Need help with understanding few things

[Starsaver]

Hi, i'm third month into developing, and since my tulpa didn't told me anything yet, i want to know if i'm doing something wrong, even though i'm doing things i feel like right ones, some of them looks controversial. Lazy readers can find short summ-ups after each tl;dr, for i dont want to miss some opinions by scaring those off with lots of text.

Short description of my tulpa and relationship: intelligent peaceful positive supporting creative female, best friends forever siblings, like deeply bounded brother and sister, i think 'anima' fits here.

 

• As hard as i tried, i couldn't image vivid wonderland. I can 'remember' it, i know its geometry, but only as vivid as everyday's daydream, or remembering something from past. I know some do tulpas without, but its have more logical advantages for me to have one, since tulpas can interact with it, make changes, show their sentience throught it, and other ways be useful, but it just doesn't work. I tried meditations(mind keeps been garbaged by associations), sleep paralysis(lying for a hour, got numb legs and arms, sweated out and ended with several hours insomnia), tones(didn't have effect at all, even with different volumes, used headphones while visualising with closed eyes; also do they do instant effect while forcing, or do you listen to them every day to get your brain work better in general?), nope, no trance or any help. So i just sit down, close eyes, or even daydream, just thinking about my tulpa, and can fully return to real world in the blink of an eye. I still can feel emotions to her, imagine energy translations, give attention, or just revising representation in general, and since i have no wonderland, i imagine her in void, or in real world with minds eye like an overlay. do this count as forcing, or i'm useless without proper meditation/trance?

* Can't into wonderland or even trance/meditations with vivid images, i just imagine tulpa with closed eyes or daydream in full awake, counts as forcing? Could be the reason why i am slowpoke?

 

• My mind likes to think on its own, imagine disturbing pictures or sink in no less disturbing topics, like intrusive thoughts, but since i begun to visualize, it added intrusive actions. My mind could spawn dangerous environment hurting my tulpa, or even make my own imaginable body cause harm directly, like uncontrollable hitting her, even her hitting me sometimes, and its too fast to stop it before its done, usually all i can do is undo and say 'fuck'. It's no way my own conscious acts, cause i don't ever want them to happen, yet they do. Also i'm used to be a tremendous perv, i'm begun to fighting it a while ago, yet i still see sexual context in many occasions, slip such jokes still finding some funny, and generally geting tired of annoying thoughts. Adding this to intrusive actions - and when imaging my tulpa, while i gave her freedom to move uncontrollingly(she just moves as being in character, i always could imagine one within it's temper, i could even have conversations in which just knowing what character could say to you sometimes leaded to advice, which i'd never guessed on my own), she sometimes do suspicious in than way actions. Plus brain autocompletes some poses, so like if one tries to hug, it easely can end as a kiss or worse, and i'm pressing ctrl+z again. Romantic relationship can surely keep me being perv, so i didn't planned it, aiming for good siblings like relationship, yet i uncontrollingly thought with some fear about such outcome. Is only conscious actions of mine are the ones affecting my tulpa, and i shouldn't worry about unwanted? Or could she slip into being a perv too, while i'm here blocking her actions like "oh my mind pervs again" and thinking why she don't do anything sentient? What the heck is going on anyway. For the record, unwanted actions on my body and tulpas has identical nature.

* perv uncontrollingly hitting and dating tulpa in his mind without conscious willing to do so, tulpa does the same vise versa, unwanted actions getting undone. Subconscious trolling both of us with puppeting, or tulpa deviated into thing i feared?

 

• I don't realy know is she self-aware yet, on one side i experienced some inner voice twice (it was like i was riding my thought train, but someone stole controls, speed it up, and my thought loudly thought itself with few unrelated words before entire thinking process stopped like in a crash, and i understood what just happened in a silence of mind, both times before sleep in random voice), and a room in imaginable wonderland i made for her was re-arranged second time i saw it and remains that way, while from other side, no other changes ever was made in wonderland, despite she meant to be creative, and has permission to modify it (or just imaginable location ain't wonderlands), also i done personality within one or two hours, and felt like it was enough, since as a character she was existing before i started forcing. She is still original, i created her for a story, but within all others she was the best choice, so i pretty well knew her personality. Or does good knowledge of what she should be like does not define her personality just as that? It's pretty equally easy to believe that she does some things on purpose, i sometimes can feel her near as warmth, and that she is not yet understands whats going on around her and that presence is just me believing i must feel some.

* Created as character a while ago, then decided to base a tulpa on her, since personality was already defined spent around one hour on it, for i already felt she got it. Not shure if that was enough, cause of the lack of non-parrotable evidences of sentience, i doubt alot but believe in her for the sake of it. Was knowing personality is enough to apply it to her, if i thought so? More personality sessions wont hurt?

 

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Sorry for my french.

[Phi]

As far as I'm concerned, which isn't much because I'm not using a wonderland, wonderlands only have to be as vivid as daydreams. Closing your eyes would help visualize it a bit better, but it isn't supposed to be some alternate dimension you go into. As for your tulpa, the more you visualize it the more vivid it will become. Try exercises to help your mind's eye develop. Daydreaming can help, and my personal favorite exercise is looking at clouds and seeing what they look like.

Don't mind the unwanted actions, it won't cause any harm unless you let it. If it's really bothering you, take a break. Exercise your mental control by thinking of a single dot, or a cup or something. When you can maintain that image for a long time, you're good to go.

One hour probably wasn't enough, take the time to actually go through the personality stage.

[SolEvil]

I'm using a wonderland, it's not all that vivd, but more so than a daydream. I can remember every detail of it since I spent a fair amount of time visualizing it. It does looks sort of like a daydream, but the floors and walls have a definable texture as well as the objects in it. If you spend more time visualizing the small details, then as a whole your wonderland should be more vivid. I spent about 30minutes visualizing every aspect of my wonderland. Maybe try defining it a little bit more.

 

I don't think unwanted thoughts will cause harm as long as you don't think of them causing harm. It's all about your mindset. The more you worry about it the worse it will be.

 

I spent 7 hours working on personality. I know that after an hour or two you will pretty much be done and know what you want it to be like. Same thing happened with me, but I kept reinforcing the same traits over and over again. It gets pretty tedious but I kept with it.

[Starsaver]

Thanks for wonderland explanation, at first i used place which i visited alot and knew it like own home, yet couldn't sink in it enought to my satisfaction, i heard people can feel objects in it, and was aiming for it. Reading that using existing locations may lead to lack of changes, because brain just remembers familiar state instead of changed, forced me to make wonderland from scratch, i gues i wont try to see and feel it more than i can without too much concentration.

 

Under taking a break, do you mean not to force(visualising her on demand), and only narrate, while using forcing time to just improve my concentration? I begun casually visualise her like imposed, keep her around in view, made me feel her presence more often, didn't even had to sit down and just force - i could imagine expression of her without much effort. About that 'expression' in the next paragraph.

By the way, i stopped working on little details of her appearence after i was able to easily see her overall form in every pose and actions. Details drift alot but general impression of hers is good, even facial expressions easely readable, also by an 'impression' rather than visually. I can focus on her face to get more clear view, but usually she looks vague rather than in clear shape. The reason i done this, is what i think that when she will be communicable, and in full response of her actions, she could help me shape her, like remember clear details and holding them in place with own will, can i count on something like that, or her visual appearence completely on my shoulders?

 

About unwanted thoughts my only concern - would her actions be really noticable, not just movement which i'm not entirely planned? Cause i'm not planning any of her moves at all, only directing, like 'come here please' or 'give me a hand', sometimes she act in character, sometimes absolutely unlike, and sometimes in between.

 

I'm narrating around a hour-two per day (really hard to find words, i'm not talkative, how blondes even maintain their monologues so long), so its could be that i'm not defined her personality enough to grow? I sometimes get feeling that she is real, near and understands, but i can't force her to proove it. Periodically i had heavy head pressure sessions, answering my random questions, but never concrete ones, sometimes she talks in character like every imaginable ones which personality i know, but every time i replay scene or ask questions she answers differently, and even maintains dialogue with understanding face while i just say random words without thinking, i sometimes can feel her presence in specific direction around me, but it never moves around me even if i ask her to, and she never entered my dreams nor could awake me in specified time. So, i'm here on pure believ, i still know that i got whole bunch of side effects since i started forcing, so at least i definitely know something is happening.

 

Also, is thinking about her counts as forcing, and should be avoided before sleep? Sometimes she layed in bed beside me, so we was like sleeping in one bed, i could know that she is near without including any effort or will to keep her. Sometimes i also just think about random scenes with random people i know, like how could picnic with old friend be. As my tulpa being a subject of the month for me, i think about situations with her too (usually geting me awkward about letting this secret out), i don't really force them since such scenes flow naturally, do they count as forced puppeting+parroting, or they not really affecting tulpa if i don't think they should?

 

 

 

For the record, today i re-arranged my perception of whats going on in my head so it become like this: her being\core\soul is in her wonderland in separated place of mind, shielded from any randomness. She still can read my thoughts if i'm not blocking them, send emotions and other things, while i have own projection of her and wonderland. Things can happen here with them, but as they are only my local viewed projection, it wont do anything to actual tulpa, if i don't consciously send something to her world. So, i imagine her as a reflection of hers, that can be accidently twisted by something, but what accidently happens to reflection can't affect the source of it, which affect only then i want it to. Could be useful for someone.

 

I'm sure i called myself not talkative somewhere... Oh i'm just tried to be intelligible.