Sneks & Ladders (or, Sneks on a Plane)

[star.dust]

Back to work. Driving long distances on sparsely-traveled roads gives us plenty of time to study our thoughts. This week we've made huge strides in dissolving the mental constructs I'd taken for granted, all of the special tags I'd attached to experiences and concepts.

 

He didn't believe me when I told him that all of his reactions to physical stimuli are psychological in nature, she said, rolling her eyes. Obviously there's a physical component, but that's a red herring as far as figuring out his inner workings. To dismantle his entire galaxy of obsessions, hang-ups, and aversions, we have to look at what happens beyond the actual scenarios. Now that he's finally doing that, progress has been swift.

 

I feel pretty thick for not listening to her sooner, but then I guess it's natural for an ego to have an aversion to examining its own inner workings, or working to unravel itself. This is why she's so important here, I would never have the willpower to do this all by myself. It was a real shock to see the degree to which my life is driven by obsessions and aversions, firsthand. Everything I think I want isn't as satisfactory as I tell myself it'll be, and nothing that I cower and hide from is ever as bad as my mind makes it out to be.

 

I've been able to give him glimpses of this freedom before, but since he's the default neural network in our brain, once we return to everyday living he always reverts to his holding pattern of eventual "someday" happiness and putting off the inevitable misfortunes by avoiding any and all risks of loss.

 

Right. All of the projects I want to pursue are within my grasp with some effort and perhaps some expenditure, and yet because of fear of failure or fear of going broke, I always, always kick the can down the road, year after year. Simultaneously, the desires themselves are also illusory. Not only would it be less fun than I expect (it always is), but I'd probably be consumed with worries over what might go wrong.

 

I'm glad that he's seeing that. After so much time spent chasing after unfeasible or elusive dreams, he really is powering through these realizations that his fantasies are all just lies that he tells himself. If he's always chasing after distant dreams that seem to perpetually be on the horizon, how can he ever be at peace?

 

I'll be honest, it is rather hard to accept that everything that drives me to go on, as an ego, is a lie. But really, what's the point in fooling myself any longer? As long as I'm operating as an ego frantically seeking pleasure and avoiding pain at all costs, this organism really isn't in control of its own life. All of the things that I think I want won't bring me peace, no matter how much I convince myself that they will. Even if I let go of individual desires, there will always be a new one feeding this ego, until I say enough is enough and put a stop to the entire cycle.

 

I figure the best thing I can do while I'm aware of this is to start weaning myself from these foolish desires. I figure for starters I'll try to reduce my dependency to the desire for Snek's affection, since at least that one's a constant. (Oh? Is that so? Hehe, kidding.) Everything else should go ASAP, at least as an attachment in my mind. It's all temporary so I'll lose it sooner or later anyhow, whether I choose to let go or not. Can't let that spoil the fun I could be having with the objects of my attachment, in the meantime.

 

Today's exercise: Live entirely in the present moment and don't make any predictions about what's around the corner! Live through direct experiences without referring to the index of emotionally-charged memories to judge and react to situations. Consider this a test flight of sorts. We've done so much work, now it's time to see what happens when all of it is put into practice.

[star.dust]

Oh boy, busy weekend. Things went very well on Friday. It seems that that was life's cue to turn up the pressure. Yesterday I tackled a household project that I've needed to get to for some time. I'd done it before and expected it to take a couple of hours. Well, after seven hours attempting to make headway and getting nowhere, a very heated half-hour was wasted panicking and getting fed up.

 

If you never stress someone to their limit then they can never transcend. It's important for one to get pushed to their tolerance limits now and then, so that their faults are exposed and can be analyzed and remedied. Yesterday gave us a great chance to do that.

 

When my frustration subsided a little, she finally coaxed me into sitting down and trying again to solve the problem, and with a little applied effort it all went together as it should've initially. I don't think there was really any reason for it to go so badly initially, except to work me up and expose my glaring faults as a functioning ego. This isn't the first time this sort of thing has happened, but it always feels difficult to accept it when that "here we go" feeling washes over me during a project.

 

After this grueling experience, we had a good long shower and discussed the faults that showed during this stress test. She pointed out my tendency to throw myself at the first opportunity to resolve a problem instead of hanging back and waiting to see how things pan out. In this case I got so fed up I wasted an entire trip to the store trying and failing to find a miracle solution to the problem, instead of calming down and centering myself.

 

He's very proactive about fixing things that gnaw at him, but being proactive isn't necessarily a good thing when it borders on outright impatience. If he would just take it easy and not treat everything as an urgent situation, then perhaps things would generally work out better for him. In all of the cases where he curbs those desires to immediately "scratch an itch" that's really bothering him, it usually winds up working out in some beneficial way, sometimes even better than it would have if everything had gone perfectly according to his initial plan.

 

I liken it to a skillful, well-traveled driver transporting a crazed, panicked passenger from point A to point B. The driver knows all the streets and which ones to avoid, and knows the best way to get to the destination. The panicky ego passenger needs only to let the driver do his job, yet it thinks it knows better and keeps grabbing the steering wheel and making detours, leading the car right into nightmarish construction zone traffic.

 

I get glimpses of this now and then during moments of clarity, and I understand what she's getting at, but in situations where I've placed great importance on the outcome (usually for logically justifiable but ultimately stupid reasons), I'm overcome with an intense desire to see that outcome fulfilled... And it usually bites me. 

 

Another subject that came up is fear of uncertainty. I realized in the shower just how much fear controls my life, how much "I" as a construct am made up of raw fear. I have a fear for almost every situation, keeping me in a baseline state of panic and anxiety. Many of my fears aren't apparent and just run as automatic processes, and it's destroying my life. In the shower I fear being attacked by an intruder. I fear the landlord. I fear solicitors more than I'm annoyed by them. I fear complicated projects and repairs of any sort and try to logically explain my way out of needing to fix things until it's apparent that there's a serious problem, at which point it becomes urgent. She told me I'm building up a seamless network of fears which eventually will dominate my life at all times. She asked me why I do it, and I really couldn't provide a reason.

 

How do I cope with the fears? I cover myself in armor made of logic. I rationalize that it's unlikely that someone would kill me in the shower, or that the landlord will hike my rent or evict me without good reason, etc. I'm not comfortable with the notion that it's a chaotic universe where anything can happen with or without logic's permission, no matter how many times I've been a direct victim of this very thing happening.

 

His main issue is that he always feels a need to be "in control" of a situation, which leads him to spend his time making elaborate contingency plans to temporarily mitigate the fear, which rarely (if ever) work out as designed. End result, he's only comfortable when he thinks he has everything locked down, when really he's just lulled himself into a false sense of security. He's still not in control of anything, but he thinks he is... And then when his plans and illusions shatter, he panics because it usually requires logic itself breaking down a bit to foil his silly little plans and illustrate this point to him.

 

Now that I see this, it should be pretty easy to climb out of this pit I've dug myself into. We've got some potentially stressful projects this week, so I'm expecting lots of opportunities to "let go". Here's hoping I can maintain this self-awareness when the storms roll in.

[tulpa001]

(usually for logically justifiable but ultimately stupid reasons)

This is where the odd, from a linguistic perspective, standard use of the word rationalisation comes from.

 

I'm glad that you both are learning some interesting facts about mindfulness and causality. Though, these lessons are not absolutes.

 

She told me I'm building up a seamless network of fears which eventually will dominate my life at all times. She asked me why I do it, and I really couldn't provide a reason.

That sounds unlikely. Having many fears qualifies as an anxiety disorder. Fears do not protect you from anything, so building such a seamless network would be nonsensical.

 

If you were building such a network, I'd wonder about paranoia, which sort of sounds similar to that. I think you may have to dig deeper to see what you are actually building with these thoughts. I think the fear may be the symptom, not the product.

[star.dust]

That sounds unlikely. Having many fears qualifies as an anxiety disorder. Fears do not protect you from anything, so building such a seamless network would be nonsensical.

 

If you were building such a network, I'd wonder about paranoia, which sort of sounds similar to that. I think you may have to dig deeper to see what you are actually building with these thoughts. I think the fear may be the symptom, not the product.

 

Well I didn't tell him it was a good thing. ;) I was telling him to cut it out. Could well be classified as an anxiety disorder but we find a lot of its foundations in his long-ago experiences, so he doubts it's hard-wired, just routine. I'm not sure either way, but I want to see what we can do without the interference of substances. If it does prove to be unconquerable, then for convenience's sake I'd probably nag him to go get prescribed something to help him along.

 

Ego likes to worry worry worry because from past experiences he believes that if you're not always on edge and worrying, you'll get blindsided by everything. Being on high-alert means the survival mind is "doing its job" (looking out for the body's survival). Having a bunch of fears gives the survival mind something to do, which is find or fabricate logical rationales for why we're "safe" as opposed to "endangered". The mind doesn't enjoy being afraid, that's why it considers it unthinkable to imagine the fears coming true and distracts itself with entertainment. It builds all the stories that assure us that everything's okay, rather than just being at ease and trusting that we're fine if there's no truly good reason to be concerned. It's a ridiculous habit.

 

Yeah, apparently the survival instinct thinks it's more convenient to have an entire web of sweet "you're fine" lies around me, than to live in the sensory world with all its (perceived) uncertainty and risks. That web's what we're trying to get rid of, I guess.

 

Not absolutes, but if it works... Objective absolutes are a little difficult for me to identify with, unfortunately. Too impersonal. So I guess it helps us to resort to subjective trickery to work our way up to it.