Luja and her Tulpa

[Luja]

@Spice : Thank you for your feedback! I’ve read it several times since you’ve posted it, and it really helped me a lot with my struggles. Somehow I’ve always been thinking of my tulpa as an already finished personality with her own likes and dislikes, but totally forgot that she still has to figure out that whole stuff herself and that therefore my doubts are meaningless! And you’re totally right – every minute spent together is valuable, no matter how big or small the progress. Thank you for pointing that out for me! I feel a lot better already!

 

 

I’ve now decided on updating my progress report once a week, preferably on sunday, even though it’s tuesday already.

 

Last weekend, we made a huge progess. There were a lot of very intense and fascinating moments that I wrote down.

On friday I had a song stuck in my head that I hadn’t heard in ages and when I wanted to tell Tegernako about the title of the song, I already felt her saying it to me in tulpish – she did it in a funny, playful way, as if she’d want to say “Hey, I can read your memories, of course I know that song!” I really enjoyed feeling her answer this way and that she said it in that joking way.

 

On saturday morning I tried out a tulpa creation hypnosis I found online which really helped me – I found it easier to feel Tegernako throughout the whole weekend. I spent a lot of time passive forcing and narrating throughout the day.

In the evening, I wanted to spend time with her in our wonderland, but in my first attempt I ended up falling asleep and when I was awake again after a few minutes, I got distracted the whole time by my smartphone. Instead of visualizing big scenes I then just sat myself down with her on a cliff near our wonderland house and started to ask her questions. Since she still often communicates by sending me ASMR-like shivers over the back of my head, we agreed on the following: ASMR means YES; no ASMR means NO. And I still can’t believe how well our talk went from that point on! I asked her some stuff like “Was this a good day?” / “Are you feeling good?” / “Do you like it here?” and every time I got stronger ASMR. Then I asked her if she had liked the way I got distracted by my smartphone before and the feeling immediately stopped completely. We played around with these questions and it was just fascinating for me how she could switch so quickly between the different feelings of yes and no. We spent a lot of time like that until it was 2 am and we had to go to bed.

 

On sunday morning, I immediately remembered our conversation from the night before and started bombarding her with some meaningless yes/no questions just to see if our connection still was so close. It indeed was and worked wonderfully!

The rest of the day I was very depressed and anxious and it was hard to focus on her instead of all my negative feelings. But when I felt it all overwhelming me, I suddenly had to think back to her, and suddenly there she was. For some seconds, my whole anxiety and negativity fought against her love and happiness – it was a strange feeling, having both a the same time. But eventually she won and I immediately felt better. I’m still so thankful for her help.

 

The past two days were filled with a lot of work and my mind just was too full to do more than a little narrating and passive forcing when I had some spare minutes. But I enjoy every moment with her – now more than ever!

Edited November 3, 2020 by Luja

[Luja]

A lot of time has passed and a lot has happened in between. Not so much with my progress of developing Tegernako, though. During the past months quite a few things kept me from focusing on her or on other interests, I was sick with covid for a long time and also got major mental health problems. I always knew how happy Tegernako had made me feel, but I was just too exhausted to continue caring for her. Because of this, we sadly also didn't celebrate her first birthday (July 18th) together. Sometimes I even wondered if she was still there. Sometimes I tried to talk to her, but it was just too much and I couldn't keep the connection up at all.

 

But currently I feel a little better again energy-wise and I started reconnecting with her. We're still in the beginning of finding us again, but I already feel her positive impact on my mood and general wellbeing. I haven't been overthinking and haven't felt anxious for more than two days now and this is a huge progress compared to how I've usually been doing during the past weeks and months.

Our way of communicating still is a bit of trial and error. When we first tried active forcing again after the long break, I tried visualizing her in our wonderland, but I couldn't focus enough. So instead of visualizing her in a specific place, I let her sit at a desk in a simple room with a white wall, so I had only her to focus on without any distractions. This worked really well and she could answer my questions by gestures and nodding/shaking her head. She still looks like she always did - shoulder-long light blonde hair with bangs, blue eyes, really pale skin and wearing comfy clothing in white or pastel. Her face is just beautiful, I can't describe it! She has this cute and cheeky characteristic to her laugh and her expressions and she's so self-confident! That makes me even more happy and comfortable around her.

Sometimes I feel like she tries to answer my questions by speaking, so I feel the answer as tulpish in the back of my head or I hear some unintelligible words/phrases like in a phone call with bad reception. But I know that it's her - her voice is different than mine and quite deep and a little rough, just like when I've heard her talking to me for the first time a few months ago. The sound of her voice makes me wonder if she might be a trans woman, but she hasn't been able to give me an answer to that yet. I'll ask her again as soon as I'm better at hearing her!

 

I'm trying to get us to communicate through this ASMR-feeling again, like we did a few months ago. With the rules that when I ask her something, giving me ASMR at the back of my head means "yes", no ASMR means "no". Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't (I test its function with simple yes/no questions I already know her answer for).
But this morning it worked and it was a really cute and fun interaction we had. I had woken up too early and wasn't able to fall asleep again, so I tried talking to her, but somehow I felt that she wasn't really there.
So eventually I asked her: "Do you want to talk to me right now?" - no answer.
Then, to make sure our method worked, I asked: "Should I shut up and let you sleep?" - strong frisson at the back of my head - a clear YES. It made me laugh because I just love how bluntly she gave her reaction to me! Don't mess with a sleepy Tegernako, haha!
I then pulled myself back and let her sleep and focused on my own thoughts for a while. When I checked on her again, she was still sitting at the white desk, her head buried in her forearms and sleeping this way. I was kinda surprised and shocked that she just would sleep like that. So I quickly created a door right next to her leading into a big bedroom which I imagined to belong to a fantasy castle, and it looked correspondingly opulent. I brought her into that room and lay her onto the big bed. I reassured her that this was her place and she didn't have to sleep sitting at the desk that I solely created for easier visualization.
I then got up and started my day. Occasionally I checked on the desk to see if she was awake and after some time she actually appeared there again and I also could feel her presence.

I enjoyed today a lot with her and although she's still so young and there's still a long way to go for both of us, she still helps me so much already. A few things happened that made me sad today but whenever I felt her presence again, I felt that I'm not alone in this and it made me feel so much better. I'm so thankful to have her!

Edited September 28, 2021 by Luja

[SebastianSimp]

Your PR was so nice to read 🥺 So comforting and well written, and I relate to some of the things a lot too. Good luck to you and Tegernako!! 

[Luja]

@Purrlat Thank you so much for your kind words and wishes!! I also wish you the best for yourself and Sebastian! 😊

 

Yesterday I had a great day together with Tegernako and we made a lot of progress!
Talking and narrating to her throughout the day becomes more and more a habit, so we have contact quite often. Sometimes when I'm really busy, I still tend to forget her though and then rather talk to myself than to her. But whenever I notice that I'm only talking to myself I get back to direct my words at her. I want to try drawing a little symbol onto my hand so whenever I see it I'm instantly reminded of her!

 

 

When I went to bed, I did a little bit of active forcing with her. I noticed that when I visualize us interacting with each other it usually makes me fall asleep quickly, so I chose to only talk to her and focus on her feelings instead of doing visualization.

And we even managed to talk a little! I was able to hear her voice at the back of her head. It was only yesterday when I told her that I'd love her to be in the back of my head because this makes it a lot easier for me to distinguish my own thoughts and inner voice from hers.

I think we did a little bit of casual conversation like "Hello", "How are you?" etc. and it felt so nice. I always could hear a slight chuckle in her voice 😊

Then suddenly she got quiet and I thought maybe I couldn't hear her anymore because I was focusing too hard. So I tried to pull myself back and told her that I'm listening and she should take her time with whatever she wants to say. Because I clearly felt there was something she wanted to say.

I heard a few fragments of a sentence I couldn't interpret right. I encouraged her again and at the second or third try, I could understand what she said to me: "Happy Birthday!" It was only midnight at that time, so she immediately had thought of it and said it to me! I was super happy and proud of her and still am!!

 

 

Afterwards I was drifting to sleep and while half-asleep I had a really realistic dream sequence where I was riding my bicycle and suddenly a car came crashing into me. I woke up with a racing heart from the shock, but I felt her presence immediately. She asked me what was wrong and I told her about the nightmare. Suddenly I felt a really huge wave of warmth and love and a little bit of frisson on the back of my head, and it spreaded onto my shoulders and my back as well. I've never felt anything like that before, it felt like a tight comforting hug. It was so beautiful and I thanked her for her kind comfort all the time. After a few minutes I had to rearrange my sleeping position because it got too warm for me, and the feeling vanished, but I asked her to hug me again and the feeling came back quickly.

 

 

I'm so happy about this experience!! And I can't wait what else our journey together has to offer. It feels so much easier to connect with her now!

[SebastianSimp]

3 hours ago, Luja said:

I also wish you the best for yourself and Sebastian! 😊

Thank you!! 

3 hours ago, Luja said:

I want to try drawing a little symbol onto my hand so whenever I see it I'm instantly reminded of her!

Ooooh, good idea! (might steal it if I have any problems with reminders, hehe) 

3 hours ago, Luja said:

I encouraged her again and at the second or third try, I could understand what she said to me: "Happy Birthday!" It was only midnight at that time, so she immediately had thought of it and said it to me! I was super happy and proud of her and still am!!

Awwwww 🥺 So cute! Is it your birthday? Happy Birthday if that's the case!! 

 

Overall, your progress is amazing! Congrats!! ✨

[Luja]

@Purrlat Thank you so much for reading my progress report and for your happy birthday wishes as well! Yes, it was my birthday two days ago and I had told Tegernako that I wished for her to tell me Happy Birthday, and she immediately did it as soon as the clock hit midnight. I'm still so happy about this! 🥰

 

Tegernako and I, we are continuing on our journey. On thursday evening we had an active forcing session while listening to instrumental fantasy music, and we went on a fun little adventure together! Since my last progress report I can feel that she's really starting to become vocal and sharing her own thoughts with me. But on the exact same evening, I started getting parrot-noia because of her sudden ability to answer my questions. I tried talking to her about it, but during the conversation I had a really weird/bad feeling and when I went to sleep afterwards I had weird images in my head that felt unsettling to me (for example one time I saw Tegernako having an argument with a strange person I didn't know). It got too much for me and I pulled myself back, not focusing on the topic of tulpa creation anymore.

 

The next morning I was in a bad mood and didn't feel her presence at all. I felt exactly like I felt during my long depressed phases where I neglected Tegernako all the time, without having the energy to care for her.
But suddenly I realized that, after the bad ending of the previous day, I might not be the only one with a bad mood! So I approached Tegernako and apologized to her and told her that she's definitely valid, that I believe in her and her abilities and that I completely trust her. Suddenly this bad feeling I had had during the morning vanished and I felt her happiness coming back. It was only in this moment that I realized that not only her good feelings, like her happiness and confidence, can bleed into my own feelings, but also her hurt and her sadness. I have read about this a hundred times already, but experiencing it myself still was something totally different.

At the same day I had to make a phone call which I really dreaded to make. When I hung up the phone I felt like getting an anxiety attack and I told her: "Please hug me." She hugged me like she had done after the nightmare and I immediately felt all the stress and anxiety go away. It is amazing how she manages to do this.

Meanwhile my parrot-noia is almost completely gone! I had been doubting her vocality because she only talked when I expected her to and only answered to questions I directed at her. She never started randomly telling me things, like I had expected her to do. But now I remembered that she still is young and still has to learn and that of course it's easier for her to speak (and for me to listen) when I completely focus on her and mute down my own thoughts. She just isn't loud/vocal enough yet to just talk whenever she feels like it. And I haven't yet practiced listening enough.
Plus, whenever she talks to me I have this light feeling of frisson in the back of my head which always is a clear sign that it's her. It's not possible for me to fake this feeling!

 

Last night I was really tired and instead of doing a long forcing session, we just decided to relax in the huge bath belonging to our wonderland castle. It had a nice pool with hot water and we decided to sleep in there because it was so warm and comfy. After a while I felt that her presence had disappeared and when I opened my eyes to look at her, she was already asleep. I focused on the wonderland and the nice warm water all the time until I fell asleep myself - it was such a beautiful experience!

 

So yes - we're on the right track again and now that we can have our first conversations with each other it gets a lot easier and a lot more fun!

[Adagio]

Happy late birthday!