Melete attempts to hallucinate

[Melete]

Yesterday I made another attempt at continuously tulpaforcing for an entire day and narrate continuously, using Fede's methods. I managed it for a significant portion of the day but I have such linear concentration that when I am painting, carrying out a conversation or watching a film it is difficult to tulpaforce at the same time. I feel that I have made real progress today.

 

However, when I was tulpaforcing whilst tired and lying in bed, I began explaining what was on my mind to Arete as though he had asked. I have a number of concerns in my life right now: I'm applying for university and working hard at school, for one, and I was discontent with myself for procrastinating and only keeping up with homework rather than getting ahead as I should. More concerning is that my boyfriend is leaving for university in a couple of weeks, and we have decided to separate, which is, quite naturally, distressing to both of us.

 

More complicated, however, is this: I've recently entered a new group of friends, all of whom happen to be male (there's a 3:1 ratio of males to females at my school, and they are the group that plays games), and I've noticed that one or two of them seem to possibly be interested in me. One of them has been talking to me at every opportunity, and yesterday, with the other, we had an incident in which he basically grabbed my hand (there was context that justified it as within the social norm, trust me) and I could feel myself blushing as he held it briefly. I'm wondering whether it's right to consider developing feelings for him when my boyfriend is leaving soon, or whether it's even a good idea for me to enter another relationship at the moment regardless of whether I develop any feelings. I told myself some time ago that it would be best if I remained single for a while. I don't really know.

 

So whilst I was discussing these problems with Arete, I found that the focus of my visualisation shifted from Arete to my boyfriend and also to the guys at my school. One of these guys, incidentally, has a (purely accidental) resemblance to Arete, and I found myself confused as my memories and visualisation began to blend. Although I decided to make Arete male in order to avoid modelling him after myself, I increasingly find that I am accidentally modelling him after my boyfriend, because I believe that my boyfriend, in his own way, embodies the very virtues that I gave to Arete to aspire to. I keep having to make changes to ensure that they do not end up too similar, but still I struggle.

[Melete]

I was just attempting to force when I felt an overwhelming feeling of despair and decided to stop.

 

It could be the first sign of Arete projecting his emotions onto me, but it would surprise me. My guess is that I'm simply feeling under stress and entering a state of pure thought and concentration is just too much to handle right now. I've been trying to distract myself because I'm afraid to be left alone with these thoughts right now.

[Melete]

Using Fede's method, Arete is beginning to talk. I'm not yet at the phase where I'm having auditory hallucinations; indeed it's rare for me to imagine him speaking in his own voice rather than my (or someone else's) voice. Most of the time I am 'puppeting', but I have moments where I think, "Wait, did he actually come out with that himself?"

 

However, whilst my forcing has been more sustained generally, today I didn't even think of Arete once. I'm going through a difficult time, and a lot of other stuff is on my mind. Friday will be the last time I see my boyfriend before we separate and he leaves for university. It's difficult to tulpaforce under such stressful circumstances.

[Melete]

Arete is gradually making progress, though in a slightly uncomfortable way.

 

Whenever I'm doing something wrong or stupid, he embodies my conscience. Previously my conscience was an innate sense, rather than an 'internal voice'. He simply tells me, "Stop doing that," or "You should be doing this." In a way it's puppeted, but part of it seems to come out of the blue. His 'words' (if you call it that, because he doesn't really speak for himself) aren't quite a surprise yet - but it's heading in that direction. I do not need to premeditate what he is going to say quite so much anymore. I'm hoping that he'll take more of a supportive role than a disciplinary one, although his guidance is appreciated. After all, he's meant to be my equal.

 

However, at the same time, he's become a lot more quiet over the past few days because I've had so much on my mind. On the other hand, whilst I was crying after separating from my boyfriend, I called on him for comfort and he kind of helped me. It's difficult to explain, but essentially I projected my own understanding of what I should be doing to calm down and Arete kind of 'said' it instead. He's not vocal, he's still puppeted, but I perceive him as an active presence - I listen to him as though he were another individual, rather than just a part of my own mind, and it motivated me to act and calm down where I would previously have passively endured my tears until they exhausted.

 

So, I think progress is evident these days.

[Melete]

Wow, it's been a while since I last posted. Still, I haven't forgotten about Arete. I talk to him for a little bit every day, but it's probably not enough. I think I've lost a bit of progress. I have a lot of distractions.

 

I'm really sorry, Arete. ):

[Melete]

I've been doing a little bit of narration and visualisation every day, though not for prolonged periods. Recently I attempted the "Surprise me" thing and nothing came of it. I suppose I just need to keep trying. I might start planning in order to set aside time to tulpaforce if I keep forgetting to do it.