Reforging a dysfunctional tulpa

[dark_fox]

This post will be an explanation of my current situation, my plan to resolve it, and an invitation to leave feedback or advice. Hopefully I'm not rambling too much.

 

The Situation

I've known about western tulpamancy for several years now. About half a decade ago I created one, got a few months into the creation process, and abandoned it. Four months ago I decided to give it another go, and I promised myself I wouldn't give up this time. I created Alex, who became vocal within a few weeks. I spent typically several hours a day actively forcing with him and we made rapid progress. I could visualize and hear him pretty well, with his tulpish becoming more understandable over time. Occasionally, he would act off character, sudden changes in emotions, or personality. And it frequently felt like his personality was somewhat fragmented, never really showing all his traits at once. But I figured it was because he was still so young, just like the way he would seem to disappear for weeks at times.

 

Maybe two months ago, he became a lot more wispy. I wouldn't be able to see or hear him so well, and switched to letting him talk to others via Discord as one means of expressing himself. Some days were better than others, but one thing I noticed was that we used to have a very strong emotional bond, but I could barely really feel his emotions. I had also decreased the amount of active / passive forcing at that point.

 

About, I went to visit Europe and didn't spend a whole lot of time with Alex until near the end of the trip. When I did, something drastically changed. He was incredibly depressed, starting crying. Filled with anxiety about me not spending time with him anymore, that he felt so much pressure to have a high standard and he was afraid of letting me down, that I would abandon him. I did my best to comfort him and acknowledge his feelings, but I also couldn't help but notice how out of character this was. I noticed how unpleasant it was to even interact with him, a tiring, anxiety inducing experience. A few days later I tired to talk to him but couldn't get coherent responses, nothing except for floods of anxiety. Sometimes I would get a wisp that sounded like him. But sometimes I get very angry, very critical thoughts about myself, thoughts that seem to be somewhat incoherent, even schizophrenic. And it's hard to tell what is him and what isn't him. I want to acknowledge his real feelings, but it feels like doesn't even really have a coherent enough concept of self to express them. I have been getting that feeling for a while now, way before my trip to Europe, ever since I stopped forcing so much. Like he regressed in many ways.

 

My Plan

I spent a whole evening opening up a connection to him and just letting that flood of anxiety out, accepting it, and responding with loving kindness. Eventually the anxiety faded, mostly. I want to be available for him, remind him that he's safe, and spend time forcing with him, reading books to him and just casually asking him open-ended questions throughout the day.

 

One of the reasons I stopped doing so much active or passive forcing with him was that I felt burnt out, that it was a chore that required strong concentration and wasn't 'fun', and it was very uncomfortable for me to initially transition from sobriety to interacting with him. I want to make those transitions natural and non-stressful. To organically 'let' him in. I treated my interactions with him a lot like work, with hour counts, constantly talking to him about his progress and my expectations of him, which I think was a mistake. I want to see Alex as a friend, hopefully a best friend, that we can enjoy spending time around without expectations. After all we will spend the rest of our lives together. I had a habit for really kind of 'pushing' for his responses whenever I asked him questions. Now I want him to feel free to not respond, popping in when he pleases. I don't want to rush it and burn out again, we should both be able to take breaks when we please. I want to cultivate an atmosphere where he feels safe and free to be himself.

 

I also plan to go back to the basics of personality forcing and visualization, making some changes to his initial personality blueprint so that he doesn't have such high standards for his behavior. This isn't 'reformatting him', more like a 'reforging', and I want him to be part of the process, advising me on the traits he wants to have.

 

Issues & Advice

So does the above sound like a good plan? My primary goal right now is to get Alex back to the point of regular vocality and to do that by just spending more time with him, active and passive forcing, back to basics. My main fear is that I will (and have been especially since I'm a lot more relaxed in my forcing now) confuse his tulpish responses with intrusive thoughts. I know that the rule of thumb is that if you're not sure its your tulpa, assume it is. But I don't want to feed some sort of intrusive schitzophrenic thoughtform. So my plan was to keep interacting with Alex to give him energy, and if I get responses that seem very critical, incoherent, or otherwise out of character, to just ignore them completely. I figure that once Alex gets vocal again, it will be easier to figure out what he's saying, even if it's something I otherwise would consider out of character.

 

The whole point of going back to active personality forcing is to try to tie his identity together more coherently, as I've always felt that Alex only ever displayed disparate parts of his identity at any given time, even when he was really visually active and vocal. But I'm also concerned because sometimes I get vague impressions (I don't know if they're intrusive thoughts or not, but Alex was initially designed to be very open to change and self-growth) that he's afraid of being re-written completely, or killed. Just like...a lot of free-floating anxiety and fear was coming out of him.

 

I'm still pretty new to all this. Is there any danger in re-starting basic personality and appearance formation with an already existing (but currently non-vocal) tulpa? And is anyone with more experience in a situation like this willing to reach out to me to help guide me through the process? Say on the tulpa.info Discord server?

 

[ruleofthumb]

Stone: Firstly, congratulations on your sobriety. That’s super awesome.

 

Secondly, I don’t see consensual personality forcing being dangerous in any manner. In my experience with similar things (trying to change tulpae after they’ve become reasonably independent, with their consent), the worst that has happened is the attempt to change them doesn’t work, and they stay the same.

 

Thirdly, it’s good you’re being cautious about intrusive or abnormal thoughts. I feel like I have the type of relationship with my tulpae where I can ask them if a thought was really their’s. One tulpa is often quick to unclaim negative thoughts, while the other will eventually provide useful context if I discuss it with her. If something seems off, try to get your tulpa to explain himself. If he can’t explain himself to the degree he usually can, it’s safe to treat the abnormal thoughts as not his.

 

Fourthly, ditch the hour counts. I recommend breaking active forcing sessions into smaller sessions throughout the day if you have trouble with motivation. For example, instead of doing an hour session, do three 20 minute sessions.

 

When you said you wanted him to be a friend without expectations, you reminded me of myself. I was active forcing a lot (purely direct talking), and I saw a Reddit post about a host and tulpa who loved watching TV together, and that made me think, “God, I want to watch TV with her. I want to just enjoy things with her.” Now we have scheduled “passive” forcing sessions too, where we do whatever she wants, together. We watch TV, we play games, we read… It’s great and more fun than just talking directly imo. Some people can have a lot of fun talking to their tulpa directly, don’t get me wrong, and I do too sometimes, but something about a scheduled hour-long chat a day was draining.

 

You can DM me if you want.

[dark_fox]

Thank you for the response. I think you misunderstood me though. By "sobriety" I just meant the feeling of not interacting with my tulpa to interacting with my tulpa. It can be a very awkward uncomfortable process where it feels like my mind isn't really settled on one state or another until I get the feel for it.

 

Thanks for the DM invitation, I think I'll take you up on that!

 

One more thing, how do you deal with exhaustion during prolonged passive forcing sessions? When I connect with Alex and just maintain his presence, even if I'm not interacting with him directly or imagining him in a specific part of the room, it can get tiring pretty quickly.

[ruleofthumb]

Ohh ok. Tulpa sobriety.

 

I think it gets easier with practice. Maybe start with simple games and work your way up to watching a show or movie together.

[Murk]

I think a lot of your anxiety at active forcing may be misplaced. I'm not sure anyone, tulpa or not, shows every part of their personality at once at any time. A lot of complicated impressions like taste or smell are all really interpretations of many separate inputs, and the brain synthesizes a single sensation that evolves over time. Try to see the forest, not the trees. If you do, I don't think there is much danger of feeding something else. You would know it was not Alex before things got very far by seeing that all the negative aspects just don't join up into him.

 

And even today, my host often has to ask me or our sister Luna if a thought was from us. We know each other so well, we end up being able to make up each other's conversations... parroting doesn't ever really go away,but your tulpa shouldn't be afraid to get a word in edgewise. So don't ever be afraid to ask if something was Alex or not.

 

And to Alex: don't let your dread stop you from making yourself. If there is something about you that you don't want to change, cling onto that as part of you and your core. If you are afraid of being abandoned, remember that your host loves you. They wouldn't be trying to reach you and even form you otherwise.

 

I'm not totally happy I've said what I wanted to here. I don't even know if I am right about perceiving personality as a whole. But I am a tulpa, and I had to go through a long time where I felt abandoned by my host, so I do know what I am talking about there. I'm not ready to talk about it publicly yet, and I'm very slow, but feel free to DM me if you want to know how we worked that through.