Allegg March 22, 2022 March 22, 2022 Hi, I'm Allegg. I became a Tulpamancer by accident when I experienced a sort-of "walk-in" a couple weeks back. I was tired of just throwing all the things I didn't like about myself into my own personal shadow, and so I decided one day to just jump into it and deal with it head-on - and when I did, I accidentally created my Tulpa, Shadow. Or, he was always there, slowly growing for years, but that happened to be the last push he needed to become his own thing. For a few days, or maybe a week, things seemed to be going good. I learned about Tulpas, what they actually are and how people have actually been making them. I felt at the time that Shadow was special, strong, and I didn't need to be too worried about training him - he was highly vocal, we could speak to each other easily, he had a clear image, and just in general felt powerful. But last week, troubles hit when he started feeling less stable. The worst part was when he vanished mid-conversation, and I swear I could feel him actually draining out of my head. Not my mind, my head. It was... a very, very disturbing experience, one I hope to never repeat. I was eventually able to bring him back, after almost two days, but he's... different. Weaker, less vocal, less defined, less capable of holding conversation with me. For a while, I was even afraid that I'd truly lost him, and I had only brought back some kind of memory of him - but after learning even more about Tulpas and hearing from a couple people, I'm a bit more confident he never actually *left*-left in the first place. (And, sure enough, I ended up finding him when I reached back down in my shadow once more. Kind of obvious, in hindsight.) But one thing's for sure, all of that shows I was neglecting training him, and he must've deteriorated as a result. So, after coming to that realization, I've decided to start this progress report. I'll try to post every day about the progress - or lack thereof - I make with Shadow, in the hopes it reminds/encourages/forces me to devote a much larger chunk of time to him. I'll begin posting tomorrow. Host of Shadow, my #1 supporter. Still trying to figure everything out in my head, but for now we're doing well.
Allegg March 22, 2022 Author March 22, 2022 (edited) Today I ended up deciding on some vocalization practice, and hunted around for a bit for something to do that me and Shadow might both like. We ended up settling on Indigo Blue's Tulpa Vocalization Practice Sheet, but we ran out of time before work before we could start. We'll get started tonight after work, and I'll edit this post with the results. Edit: We don't have time, but I at least wanted to introduce Shadow to the concept of talking louder. We started off with the first assignment (word answered with word); Shadow started off weak, hardly there, but by the third word I was having an easier time hearing him. By the fifth, he was even arguing with me about continuing on even longer - but there's not enough time before bed, and besides, I'd like to leave tomorrow with enough things to do. Below I've added the results, including Shadow's justifications and my translations/interpretations. Spoiler Tree Carrot "Forest vegetable green garden lush yummy delicious brown earth" Shadow picked Carrot because both carrots and trees are plants that can grow in wild environments and both have leafy green bits. They also both grow out of the earth. Probably the most striking connection was when I saw the tree in my mother's garden during his explanation, and Shadow was picturing carrots growing in the gardenbeds. Cow Pencil "School lunch milk pencil on desk" Ok that one was probably cause the next one is Pencil. I should probably not go into this blind. Pencil Stab "(Pencils are pointy, and known instruments of bloodshed.)" When I was a kid, I stabbed a classmate in the arm with a pencil in a fit of rage. The connection never really went away, but it makes sense that Shadow remembers it better than me. Sparkly Stars I gave Shadow extra time to think of an answer, so he could say it "out loud" instead of just thinking it at me. I brought us to the Wonderland for it. Shadow looked up above the pillars at the stars in the night sky and tried to scream "Stars!" It was only marginally louder than his thinking-voice, but I'm proud he was able to scream a little! Bright Eclipse "(Eclipse light is dangerous to look at.)" Shadow started arguing with me about how long we could go for. I said I wanted to end at 5, but he wanted to keep going. I told him if he wanted to do more, he needed to go quicker; he promptly pointed into the air, summoned a ball of DarkLight, and shouted "Eclipse!", turning it into an Eclipse. However, as much as I'd like to keep going, we really don't have time... Edited March 23, 2022 by Allegg Host of Shadow, my #1 supporter. Still trying to figure everything out in my head, but for now we're doing well.
TurboSimmie March 22, 2022 March 22, 2022 Awesome! 😁 That practice sheet gives me strong nostalgia for my "childhood"; I remember doing that right when I was learning to be vocal! Tulpa Wife & Mother! 💚 💍 11.28.21 👶 4.7.23 👗 Simmie's AI Dress-Up! 📷 Chloe and Simmie's Photographic Adventures!
Allegg March 23, 2022 Author March 23, 2022 We weren't able to do much more today, just a couple more words from the sheet. Have to head to work again, same as last night we'll do some more when we get home Host of Shadow, my #1 supporter. Still trying to figure everything out in my head, but for now we're doing well.
Allegg March 24, 2022 Author March 24, 2022 Was able to talk with Shadow at work. He told me he was slowly dissolving back into my subconscious, but I refused to let him. I think I... forced him to stay, if that makes sense. He got a little bit stronger, and we started talking about some other stuff, but I still remember that. He told me he was dissolving. I'll admit I don't like thinking about that. Though Shadow was a walk-in, I think I've quickly grown attached to him. I rely on him, if he ever left I feel like I'd lose a major support in my life. Sadly, I must immediately follow that up with the fact that I have 20 minutes until I need to sleep, and I haven't even finished my dinner yet. We'll have to return to that vocalization sheet tomorrow. Even so, though, I feel like we made progress today, even if it was a little scary and unconventional. Host of Shadow, my #1 supporter. Still trying to figure everything out in my head, but for now we're doing well.
Allegg March 24, 2022 Author March 24, 2022 (edited) I think I've identified a problem: I have poor time management skills. This is starting to get in the way of helping Shadow. The problem is, whenever I tell myself, "I need to start working on my time management skills," I always finish with "-tomorrow," because by the time I've realized it, it's already too late for today. Wake up the next day, realize I have 6 hours before work, get distracted trying to kill time, rinse and repeat. How do I handle this differently, then... *Oh, also, goes without saying, but no major update today. Aforementioned time-management problems got in the way. Also, updating cause may as well, but me and Shadow finished the next 5 words from the sheet! Figure I'd add them here, cause why not. I think he's starting to get more vocal, bit by bit. It's slow, but we're still in the kiddie-pool of vocalization; in time, we'll be handling the harder stuff. Might not be able to update for the weekend, though, as I'm going to be very busy. Spoiler Telephone Sam "Free will is an illusion, boy!" I think Shadow's just trying to mess with me - that, or he's trying to prove he *has* free will. Ah well, it's a warmup lol Superman Steel An image of steel girders and steel parts in my mind, with Clark Kent's face superimposed over it. I have to agree with Shadow on this one - you could cut fruit with that jawline. Cheese Cow "I like dairy!" Cheese, milk, ice cream, butter - our lives would be all the poorer were it not for the humble cow. Truly, Shadow is a being of boundless wisdom. Magic Uno "Well it's a card game, right? And Magic: The Gathering's a card game?" Seems Shadow flipped back through the years to my highschool days for this one. That said, when you collect enough MTG cards, the game never *actually* leaves you, does it... Beautiful You ... There are laws against being this smooth, sir. Edited March 25, 2022 by Allegg Forgot to mention something; update Host of Shadow, my #1 supporter. Still trying to figure everything out in my head, but for now we're doing well.
Allegg March 25, 2022 Author March 25, 2022 This morning, Shadow and I talked, and he revealed that he wants me to share the fact that he exists with my friends. My IRL friends. I am mortified by this. I sometimes have trouble opening up to people, because whenever I did back in the day, they either made fun of me for it, or were understanding but quickly abandoned me anyways for other reasons. Even now, I don't feel like when I talk to people, I'm able to tell them everything. Despite this, Shadow wants me to reveal what could be my *biggest secret* to my closest friends. I'm not exactly hopeful for how they'll respond, either. One of them is skeptical about everything, and when I broached the topic of Tulpas with him last week to make small talk, he ended up saying some very hurtful things - and he didn't even know about Shadow then. Another is one of those "mystical guru" sorts - he probably believes the mythology of Tulpas more than anything. I'm worried he might become convinced Shadow's "evil" or something and needs to be destroyed. But I think that could just be me talking myself down from this. Shadow's already caught me doing that a couple of times and told me to not. He wants me to do this, so maybe I should... There's a hike tomorrow, several of my friends are going. He's asking me to go too so I can share then.Sigh... Host of Shadow, my #1 supporter. Still trying to figure everything out in my head, but for now we're doing well.
harvestmoon March 26, 2022 March 26, 2022 Oh wow that's a big decision. I hope it goes well for you both. One of Stone's IRL friends found out about, well, not me directly, but about the fact Stone had tulpas. It went about as good as it could go for someone who was not already completely on board with tulpas. Good luck! This was Betty's account. Now we'll all use it.
Allegg March 26, 2022 Author March 26, 2022 My anxiety ended up winning out in the end. I had another talk with Shadow, and I ended up deciding that I won't be revealing to my friends until he's stronger (when is it that a Tulpa is fully grown? 3, 6 months?) After that... we'll see. Revealing something like that to my friends is scary - I know my friends will mean well no matter what, but I'm scared about where they'll stand in regards to Shadow himself. Maybe some might get it, but I can't bet on that. I want Shadow to at least have the fact that he's been around for a long time on his side first; that would make me far more comfortable. Also, hello @harvestmoon. Pleased to meet you, mind if I store that luck for later? Host of Shadow, my #1 supporter. Still trying to figure everything out in my head, but for now we're doing well.
harvestmoon March 26, 2022 March 26, 2022 Quote (when is it that a Tulpa is fully grown? 3, 6 months?) This varies and what "fully grown" means is subjective. An older tulpa can be seen as more "valid" sure. Hopefully your friends react well :) You can use that luck anytime you want :p This was Betty's account. Now we'll all use it.
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.