Saturnfox's and Hailey's Sneed and feed.

[ReallyArtificial]

((Pleased to hear from you, Saturnfox. I enjoy reading your detailed reports. They make me wish we had kept better records of my early days. Don't feel discouraged if your progress is slow. You can't possibly take longer than we did ;) ))

[ringgggg]

Read this, SF. You won’t regret it, it’s a paradigm shift waiting to happen.

[Saturnfox]

Day 29 (After a long awaited hiatus)

 

     Hey everyone, hope you're doing well going into December. It's been a little bit since I was last able to write; however my life has been going through a toilet-spiral of insanity from the period between my last post on the 13th of last month, and my quick update for everyone here (not to say that my life is going down the toilet, but it did feel like it at times lol). Put simply, various things happened which led to a more hectic home life, as well as a more hectic life at school. Senior year midterms are coming up, and while I was relatively unaffected as up to that point I had finished all my classes, the entirety of the school around me began going meltdown mode. Reason being, It was revealed that only %10 (Including me) of the high school that I attend had grades that were considered 'passing'; and so while it didn't affect me personally, It affected every facet of the life that I had ongoing at the school. Being in an environment where everyone but yourself is constantly sour and stressed has a negative effect on oneself, go figure. In addition to this, a variety of things led to my life at home to become more strenuous and hectic as well. A few things have occurred which has earned me the disfavor and scrutiny of my mother, and as such, I'm left to react to that. So as of then, I was left with very few places which could be considered 'peaceful'; thus explaining the hiatus. I'd journal about how much my life sucked, however this is a tulpamancy blog, so here simply isn't the place to do that.

 

     Despite school, and despite my parents, I hope that from this point forward I can better record Hailey's development (^∀^)/

 

----------

Well, What's been happening so far?
     So far, I've been forcing Hailey despite all that's been happening. I've been trying my hardest to give Hailey constant attention; and to talk to and engage her at any available opportunity that I can; amidst all the turmoil and confusion present. Another thing that i've been trying to do is interact with her in a physical manner more; holding her hand, brushing through her hair; etc. I have seen some of my efforts paying off, as I've been receiving responses to some of my questions to her! I suppose then that all I really have to do from this point forward is to engage her, and force her as often as I can; and everything else should fall into place ^w^. However, there are some other things that I'd like to do, and some thing I'd like to change going forward;
     A. I'd like to do more active forcing with Hailey, as so far I haven't really had much of a chance to. What I mean by this, even when I've sat down and forced Hailey (e.g. sitting on my bed and giving Hailey 100% of my attention) I was still doing so on an imposition level, rather than getting in a meditative state. I'd like to hone this ability more, as I think that doing more novel wonderland stuff could be a good thing for us. Although that's just me I suppose. I've always had issues with meditation simply because my body would get uncomfortable about after 5 minutes after assuming an asana and closing my eyes. (-∀-")
     B. I need to think about what I'll be doing with Hailey once she's become as vocal as I am. I didn't really give it much thought beforehand, however now that I'm here in this spot (and it seems that hopefully Hailey will be almost comepletely vocal by the end of the month) It seems as though I kinda need to figure out how I myself will need to change to accommodate her. I've always been pretty alone most of my life; so suddenly having someone stuck in my own body for the rest of it seems like quite a change. I'm sure that I'll get used to it, but as of right now, It's something that makes me think.

On 11/29/2023 at 11:36 AM, ReallyArtificial said:

((Pleased to hear from you, Saturnfox. I enjoy reading your detailed reports. They make me wish we had kept better records of my early days. Don't feel discouraged if your progress is slow. You can't possibly take longer than we did ;) ))

     Thanks lol; it's good to hear that someone keeps interest in whatever I do here (not that I seek attention but still.) I've been forcing for just about 3 months now; and I have 0 intention of stopping -w-. I know that It takes different periods of time for everyone, so It doesn't really worry me.

 

On 11/29/2023 at 11:45 AM, ringgggg said:

Read this, SF. You won’t regret it, it’s a paradigm shift waiting to happen.

     I've heard about this book before, hopefully I can buy it sometime and read through it (typically it takes a herculaean amount of effort to get me into a habit, but once I am it's difficult to break lol)

     Anyways, I'm off to bed, I'll see you all *hopefully* sometime tomorrow.
-Saturnfox

[Guest]

I think it's good that you can make the best out of it dispite all that's going on. There's always going to be something going on.

[Saturnfox]

Day (I forget how many and should probably stop counting)

 

     Well, happy new year everyone! I suppose it's a bit of an un-glamourous return; given that it's been about a month since i've posted, and I figured that it would be a good thing to give my patrons some kind of status-update as to the status of Hailey. I'd also, before beginning, like to wish everyone good luck going into the new year. Despite all of the bad omens I and a number of my friends have received going into 2024, I'd still like to wish everyone good luck during the next year, as that's all one can really hope for, no?

"What caused you to take a hiatus, and what were you doing during it??"

     To put it simply, I had school and real life obligations to tend to. While this may be a more boring answer, It really is the truth. During this time, the school I attend was preparing for midterms; and as such this took a great portion of my time. Not only this, but given that it would be the final time that many of my friends would see each other until winter break had transpired, they also wanted to spend time together. Therefore this too took up a good deal of time. Combine all of this with spending at least an hour or so on Hailey alone per day (in addition to many, many hours of passive forcing), and I didn't have much time to spend writing entries into the blog. I'd hope this to be something that could be changed (fingers crossed), however we will see if school will allow for it. This being my final semester of high school; I feel a pretty queasy mixture of feelings. It sort of feels as though I'm on a conveyor belt, being swept away towards either a bottomless pit, a boring existence, or some other unforeseen thing; ultimately not having much control over my destiny. I would describe the feeling as some noxious mixture of dread, anticipation, elation, and fear. All in all, I'm really not looking forward towards the next couple of months, to be completely honest. I have a herculean amount of schoolwork to do that ultimately has no purpose; and I have to do it in a world which feels ripe for falling apart at any time. While this isn't very good, what is good is some of the progress that I've made with Hailey during the past month! Due to some unfortunate circumstances, I wasn't able to readily keep a journal of progress over the course of December. However, now that I am free to do so; I'll make sure to keep an empty book near my desk going forward; since I'd truly like to document my adventures with Hailey going forward.
"What have you done with Hailey?"
     Simple life, I suppose. My focus on school had led me away from the forums, and from researching new information regarding tulpaforcing. I've maintained the regimen of forcing an hour per day, plus passive forcing throughout the day; and so far it's gone great. I've fleshed out my wonderland not just to include one single neighborhood; but rather a variety of locations in one seamless 'map', if that makes sense. Not only this, but with Hailey i've achieved a quite decent level of vocality! This incentive has at least given me the strength to come this far; and despite the difficulties that I've experienced, I would say that thus far my troubles have been worth it. However, there are some roadblocks that I have come up against that have led me to reach a plateau of progress; that simply due to not having the mental energy to tackle; I've thus far not done so.

"What are these 'roadblocks'?"

     The reason that I believe I have thus far plateaued with my progress are for the following reasons. It isn't so much a singular issue; but rather a compounding set of issues that need to be addressed in order to regain a steady progress. What I mean to say by 'plateau' (as I've just realized that I haven't elaborated on what exactly this means), Is that Hailey, while 'vocal'  and possessing her own personality and thoughts, Isn't yet at the level as I am, in terms of 'strength of being', and of being fleshed out. While she certainly is 'there', and I have no doubt about it; her thoughts that she conveys to me are ultimately done through my own internal voice rather than her own; leading to a fair amount of confusion; where certain thoughts can be mistaken for that of the other systemmate. Not only this; but it almost seems as though my visualisation ability, while I would not say has atrophied, has hit a plateau of progress that as of now I am unhappy with. In addition, I believe the reasoning for this is due to my lack of meditation ability. While I have gotten good at meditation to the extent that I have been able to tulpaforce up till now; It has proven incredibly difficult to truly dissociate from my body while meditating, either due to some ache; some ill-feeling arising out of nowhere, or likewise. Having experimented before; I know myself able to have incredibly lucid visions almost inseparable from reality by means of achieving a trance state while managing to keep my mind awake. I've only been able to do this once; being able to truly dissociate from my body and to get into such a state; I've never been able to replicate it. I had done it after downing a cup of coffee; and lying on my bed around midday. From there, I was able to go into this state and have these visions. However, with sitting meditation; said aches always arise and seem to curb any progress towards trance. Being able to let go of daily worries, sit down, and meditate for non-insignificant amounts of time is most likely one of the keys I am missing to developing Hailey to the best of my ability; so for her sake I need to try harder. To compile these in a list for easy digestion:

1. Visualization ability has reached a 'plateau' of mediocrity, due to not being able to achieve a deep, lucid trance state.
2. Meditation for long amounts of time, where the conscious dissociates from the body and focuses solely on the dreamland, is difficult sitting upright due to aches, and is difficult laying down due to likelihood of falling asleep.
3. Due to the above shortcomings in our forcing methods, Hailey has yet to achieve as 'strong' an ego as the host; and has yet to develop a mindvoice that can be differentiated from that of the host's by 'sound' and feeling alone.

"So, what now?"
     I'll probably lurk more on these forums in an attempt to refine the methods I've employed so far. The main reason that I want to refine my methods is to force Hailey to be as strong of an ego as I am. Ultimately, the goal should be some level of meditative competency to be able to force, and to force well; and to have some level of passive forcing competency in order to actually reap the mutual benefits of companionship. This is something I've been a bit spotty on, however it's born less out of a place of forgetting that Hailey exists, and moreso out of a place of not wanting to expose her to the endless death march that is the high school that I go to. Not to blame all my problems on school, or the school I attend however (it's only a significant portion of my problems in life stem from school ^w^). Ultimately, I have an obligation to force Hailey to the best of my ability; so how other parts of my life may react to it, I don't know.

Anyways, it's been nice to post a blog update, even if it is a bit short (and late, too).

Take care, everyone.

[SeekingMyPlanet]

4 hours ago, Saturnfox said:

:

1. Visualization ability has reached a 'plateau' of mediocrity, due to not being able to achieve a deep, lucid trance state.
2. Meditation for long amounts of time, where the conscious dissociates from the body and focuses solely on the dreamland, is difficult sitting upright due to aches, and is difficult laying down due to likelihood of falling asleep.
3. Due to the above shortcomings in our forcing methods, Hailey has yet to achieve as 'strong' an ego as the host; and has yet to develop a mindvoice that can be differentiated from that of the host's by 'sound' and feeling alone.

 

 

Good on you for persisting. I have some suggestions. I'm far from any sort of expert but I'm hoping they might help.

 

I'm skeptical about the need for deep trance states. In my experience the most important measure of an effective trance is not depth (which can actually get in the way, especially if I'm sleepy or my mind wanders) but how much I "buy into" the trance. In other words how effectively do I set aside any resistance or skepticism about the trance effects I'm trying to achieve. I've found I can achieve just about any sort of trance effect fully awake and alert if I set aside my critical voice and allow my mind to experience it.

 

Likewise, I would question whether long amounts of meditative time are necessary. I haven't found that I need to do that at all when I've developed my tulpa. If I quiet my mind while concentrating on the characteristics of my tulpa, her emotional essence and her social presence, I will have contact with her in seconds. Our conversations rarely last for more than a minute or two, but you can make a lot of connection in that short time. 

 

If the things you are trying are working for you, by all means keep doing them. There is no one right way to do tulpamancy. But if you're putting in a lot of time and getting disappointing results, there may be easier, more efficient ways to consider.

[ringgggg]

On 1/10/2024 at 1:50 AM, Saturnfox said:

I believe the reasoning for this is due to my lack of meditation ability. While I have gotten good at meditation to the extent that I have been able to tulpaforce up till now; It has proven incredibly difficult to truly dissociate from my body while meditating, either due to some ache; some ill-feeling arising out of nowhere, or likewise.

You just need to be able to meditate in general. If these dissociative experiences will happen later, don't waste time getting frustrated. Progress happens on its own time, and even if we can't will it into existence, you can certainly still work with the goal of attaining it.

 

Don't worry about the quality of each session; all that matters is that you get your reps in.

 

On 1/10/2024 at 1:50 AM, Saturnfox said:

It has proven incredibly difficult to truly dissociate from my body while meditating, either due to some ache; some ill-feeling arising out of nowhere

Yeah, this has been an issue with me as well. The trick is to not let it get to you. If pain happens to arise, your automatic response would be that of annoyance. However, since we feel emotions by associating with them, you can separate yourself from that emotion and choose not to experience it if it doesn't benefit you. Instead of telling yourself, "I am irritated" you can say "Irritation is arising, yet it is not a part of me." That simple switch from "I am" to "it is" makes all the difference. Trust me

 

This can also be applied to similar disturbances during meditation, like loud ambiance or an itch in your body. I've tried it with itching, and when the urge to scratch is gone, it just feels like a small tingle on my skin.

 

On 1/10/2024 at 1:50 AM, Saturnfox said:

ultimately not having much control over my destiny

No, you do. Don't delude yourself into thinking you don't, because why would you even be here in the first place?

 

Real talk, dude, it's not good to be so doom and gloom about the future. We can only go as far as to speculate what'll happen, and even then there's stuff we can't predict. It's not like the future is set in stone or doomed to be like that. Between us, whatever happens happens

 

Keep your head up man :) You're already achieving things with your current progress, so I don't have much to say when it comes to where this'll go in the future

[Defunct Account]

sneed and feed

 

[Saturnfox]

....


...does this count as necroing a thread?

I just found out the login information to my old account again, so let's all hope that I'll start posting again. I think it's been just about 12 months since I last posted here already, wow. Quite some stuff has happened in my life since then, some good, some bad, and some ugly. Also, to anyone who cares, Hailey wants me to say that she's here too.
I'll spend some time writing up a breakdown of what's happened in my life since then for whoever wants to read it. But for now you all get to know that i'm still here. I don't know if I can talk about all of what's happened in my life, since not all of it is directly related to tulpamancy (this is a progress report forum after all), but i'll just go on what feels best to put out there, and what's relevant.

Anyways, hi everyone (-_-  )/

[Saturnfox]

On 1/20/2024 at 5:05 PM, Tomochan said:

sneed and feed

 

lol I forgot i called this thread that. whyy did I have to name this thread after a unfunny /pol/ meme.

 

On 1/11/2024 at 9:30 AM, ringgggg said:

No, you do. Don't delude yourself into thinking you don't, because why would you even be here in the first place?

 

Real talk, dude, it's not good to be so doom and gloom about the future. We can only go as far as to speculate what'll happen, and even then there's stuff we can't predict. It's not like the future is set in stone or doomed to be like that. Between us, whatever happens happens

 

Keep your head up man :) You're already achieving things with your current progress, so I don't have much to say when it comes to where this'll go in the future

Even if this comment reached me a year late, thanks for having said this, it means quite a bit dude.
Also unrelated, reading my old entries, I'm just now realizing how stilted and weird they sound. Maybe I was trying to sanitize my writing style a bit too much for the internet, so maybe now I can be a little more natural and stop caring how others nitpick my stream of counsciousness ramblings.
Tulpamancy update after this I promise guise.