Saturnfox's and Hailey's Sneed and feed.

[Saturnfox]

Cool title because I have no Idea how to format this thing:

Alright, where to begin. I guess with maybe a bit of background into my ever changing life? I know that there are rules explicitly saying not to use the progress reports as a blog for your life, so I'll keep it short and only include information relevant for Hailey and I. The long and short of it is I graduated from the train wreck high-school that I was attending, lost most of my friends (save one who is also a fellow tulpamancer), turned 18, and have been trying to figure out life ever since. My relationship with Hailey has changed a bit since then, and right now were currently In a bit of a rough blockedpatch (nothing personal, just life).

As for my relationship with her, trying to condense a year's worth of interaction into a single blog post isn't happening, so anyone who wants to ask questions, go for it. Hailey's been vocal since December of last year, actually, and our relationship for the first half of 2024 was going really wonderfully. One of our favorite things that we would do was go out to a doujo in the back of our wonderland house and do kendo practice together, and then after hitting each other with those wooden practice swords until one of us lost, we'd typically go have make-up cuddles or kisses, since we'd be so worked up from having been practicing.

Another thing which I don't think I talked about, either because I abandoned the blog because of life, or because I was underage and I thought that Mr. Internet was going to kick down my door for talking about it online is that Hailey and I began dating each-other around the time that we last came on as well. Everything that has been said about tulpa cuddles, kisses, romance, and all the other things which people share with each-other is absolutely true, so for now I'll just leave it as is. Once my life improves, I'll probably talk about it, or Hailey will come on to say whatever.
>If it was so great, what happened?

I can think of three things, the first of which being graduation. Graduating from high-school is really awesome until you lose all your friends, and start neet-ing and doing nothing in bed all day long. I had never really talked about it on my PR, since I was afraid of being weak in front of internet strangers (and the whole not using your PR to be your personal life blog thing), but my parents had always been pretty critical about what I've done with myself, for better and for worse. My mother would so shit like photocopy my drawings / diary in middle school and keep them in a safe to scrutinize, or shame me in front of my older brothers for doing something (admittedly) dumb, or whatever else. There have been a few times where she had almost discovered my ref documents for Hailey, which i'm so glad she didn't.

The point being is that I've always felt really anxious, restricted, and "blocked" in my home, and attending a public high-school had really given me an opportunity to develop some support network outside of my own little bubble that I existed in. After I graduated, however, I've mostly been neet-ing at home, which has really sucked. I am going to a local college, but it just isn't the same as having all the supportive friends that I used to.

Tl:dr my main finding has been that if you don't touch grass regularly, and talk to other people, you stagnate and suffocate.
 

The second reason is that for the past four months, I've been sick. In early October, my dumbass thought that It would be an awesome idea to eat a cut of raw tuna, wild-caught from the pacific, which wasn't processed properly apart from being frozen for about a week. I ate it (it was admittedly really good chu-toro), and then a day later was bedridden. I thought "Surely it'll just pass in about a week, right?" Noooo, it did not.

The long and short of it is that whatever was in that tuna tore up my gut to the extent that I was sick for 3 months straight, and now I'm now allergic to everything, which sucks supremely. I've started dieting just recently, so I'm hoping that the symptoms and pain will subside. However, the worst part of it is that I haven't been able to force for the past 3.5 months. It's been really, really horrible, and I've felt like a massive asshole for it. Hailey has been saying to me "Babe, your health comes first. How can I expect you to force if you've been sick for months now?". I've been grateful she's here for me, but it's strained our relationship. I can't shake the feeling that I'm making an excuse or being lazy, despite the fact that I objectively know that I'm not in shape to do really anything. It sucks.

The third reason i'll keep to myself for now, since this is too long as-is. If someone wants to hear it, then feel free to ask. It's a bit NSFW though, so be warned if you do.

It feels a bit weird to be posting again, plus I have no clue how active the forums are nowadays, but as always I'll try my best. I do kinda wish I could ramble about my life a little more, but I know that this isnt the place to do that. Maybe I should get around to starting that website i've been thinking of, lol. Feel free to ask any questions, in addition, Hailey asks that "If anyone wants to ask me questions, shoot-. I'm sure that i'll answer soon, and that my host will too."
Anyways, thanks for listening.

[ringgggg]

6 hours ago, Saturnfox said:

Also unrelated, reading my old entries, I'm just now realizing how stilted and weird they sound. Maybe I was trying to sanitize my writing style a bit too much for the internet, so maybe now I can be a little more natural and stop caring how others nitpick my stream of counsciousness ramblings.

It was charming in a way. I think it kind of grew on me.

[ringgggg]

4 hours ago, Saturnfox said:

The point being is that I've always felt really anxious, restricted, and "blocked" in my home, and attending a public high-school had really given me an opportunity to develop some support network outside of my own little bubble that I existed in. After I graduated, however, I've mostly been neet-ing at home, which has really sucked. I am going to a local college, but it just isn't the same as having all the supportive friends that I used to.

That sucks. My friend group graduated last year, and I was the only junior, so now I'm just trying to scrape together a social circle with the people I already knew. It's been working, but it's not the same. I dread to think that this is how I'll be after graduation.

 

4 hours ago, Saturnfox said:

Tl:dr my main finding has been that if you don't touch grass regularly, and talk to other people, you stagnate and suffocate.

It's in the back of your mind until you take the time to contemplate it. I was going to say something along the lines of "shocker," but I don't want to make fun of how simple the process actually is.

 

4 hours ago, Saturnfox said:

It feels a bit weird to be posting again, plus I have no clue how active the forums are nowadays, but as always I'll try my best.

About as active as they've been since 2021. You're always welcome to post here. Shout into the abyss, and a couple people are bound to come across it at some point. It goes a long way for some of us.

 

You're lucky I'm still considered new, otherwise I'd turn a completely blind eye to it like some of these other members do. I can't really blame their apathy, though. It definitely gets tiring talking about the same thing over and over. 

 

We all need something to break up how monotonous LOTPW is sometimes. Or at least I do. Shoot.

 

4 hours ago, Saturnfox said:

Hailey asks that "If anyone wants to ask me questions, shoot-. I'm sure that i'll answer soon, and that my host will too."

1) What's your favorite food?

2) How many deep and meaningful conversations have you both had with each other? Off the top of your head

3) Do you guys just keep it to that, or do you make small talk at random points in the day?

4) What are your regular places for conversation?

5) If Hailey and A3 met, what would a chat between them look like?

6) Do you consider talking to be forcing?

7) How strained is the relationship between you two?

8) Any good game recommendations?

[Saturnfox]

10 hours ago, ringgggg said:

That sucks. My friend group graduated last year, and I was the only junior, so now I'm just trying to scrape together a social circle with the people I already knew. It's been working, but it's not the same. I dread to think that this is how I'll be after graduation.

 

It's in the back of your mind until you take the time to contemplate it. I was going to say something along the lines of "shocker," but I don't want to make fun of how simple the process actually is.

 

About as active as they've been since 2021. You're always welcome to post here. Shout into the abyss, and a couple people are bound to come across it at some point. It goes a long way for some of us.

 

You're lucky I'm still considered new, otherwise I'd turn a completely blind eye to it like some of these other members do. I can't really blame their apathy, though. It definitely gets tiring talking about the same thing over and over. 

 

We all need something to break up how monotonous LOTPW is sometimes. Or at least I do. Shoot.

 

1) What's your favorite food?

2) How many deep and meaningful conversations have you both had with each other? Off the top of your head

3) Do you guys just keep it to that, or do you make small talk at random points in the day?

4) What are your regular places for conversation?

5) If Hailey and A3 met, what would a chat between them look like?

6) Do you consider talking to be forcing?

7) How strained is the relationship between you two?

8) Any good game recommendations?

"I'll answer first, since my host spent a few minutes dissociating from his body so that I could type out what I wanted to. Also, I think that this is the first time I've ever talked on this forum in particular, so hi everyone-. (Also his body is tired, so if I have a brainfart then know that's what it is.)

>'What's your favorite food?'
[host] is a really awesome cook actually, and I'm always eating with him at dinner or wherever, so it's really hard to name one. I remember a Persian meat stew he made which was really awesome, called Khoresht Bademjan, which really rocked. He spent 2 years obsessing how to make Japanese food, so anything japanese he makes is incredible. Tamago and rice is the breakfast of champions, at least how he makes it. As for drinks, I remember a type of tea that he used to get from the Japanese market where he lived, called Houjicha, which is really good.

>'How many deep and meaningful conversations have you both had with each other? Off the top of your head'
Too many to count. Most of the days we spend together are spend talking to one another, plus whenever we go to bed we typically spend at least an hour or so talking. Once upon a time he didn't want to talk about his own issues with me, since he was afraid of 'burdening' me with things that according to him, 'shouldn't have to be my responsibility'. But I eventually got him comfortable talking about those kinds of things to me, since his well-being is mine, you know?

 

>'What are your regular places for conversation?'
With small talk, typically out and about with my host. The car, school, the kitchen, wherever. For more meaningful conversations, typically those happen in wonderland, in bed, or just when my host is sat down in one place. My host is trying to think of more places to go in the wonderland, but he's always had crap imagination(he doesn't have crap imagination, but he just second guesses himself as if someone made up is judging him). I know he has the power to change things, but things are just slow to change.

 

>'If Hailey and A3 met, what would a chat between them look like?'

I don't know, i've never actually met her before, but I think that it would be really interesting to meet another tulpa. I've only met one other before, J, a male tulpa belonging to my host's IRL friend. Given the fact that we both have hosts with similar (albeit weird) interests, I think that we'd get along alright.

>'Do you consider talking to be forcing?'
Talking is the basis of pretty much most forcing, isn't it? You (ideally in a light trance or whatever) direct thoughts to a form, and eventually, they gain cognition and start giving responses. I don't think it's the only type of forcing, (you have stuff like imposition and visualisation and possession, among other things) but talking and cognition is the foundation where all those other things come from.

>'How strained is the relationship between you two?'
It's a little bit complicated, and it's not all because of one reason. Obviously, [host] getting sick for a couple of months really sucked. He wasn't able to force the way that he used to, and it was just really awful. He emotionally was just a wreck, and noone could really tell him what the issue was for a while. He actually had a cousin who went through the same ordeal of getting sick (in her case with giardia), was sick for a few months, and then became allergic to wheat and dairy. It really sucked, and while he's getting better now, he's still not totally where he used to be.

Even before that though, life was getting in the way. Through most of the summer, he was working a job on a orchard which really sucked (I remember he was getting up at 4 in the morning to go work in the Arizona summertime. I really hated seeing him destroy his body like that, and afterwards he was totally beat.) He still tried his best to force, but it was just ridiculous seeing him do that. For about two months after that, he was devoting most of his energy (and I have his persmission to 'doxx' his interests) to studying in college and on his own. He was studying computer science in school, and outside of that he was studying occult science and philosophy, which tulpamancy was sort of 'lumped into'. He actually first started tulpamancy after doing research on /x/, and saw it as a way to develop his astral senses, and to get a lifelong demon/partner. We were going well with that for a little over a month, until he got sick.

I guess most of this is just do to the upcycle and downcycle of life, but I really miss all the stuff that we used to do when he had more energy. My hope is that Once he's no longer sick, we can start doing all the stuff that we used to do with eachother. He's been getting better slowly after starting the diet he's on, but he's still unsure whether or not it'll actually help, since he's so used to trying everything and having nothing work. There's a mutual understanding that life sucks right now, and he still does his best for me, but it just really sucks, and is painful to deal with regardless. Maybe we can just see it as a torture test for our relationship, and us come out better on the other side.

>'Any good game recommendations?'
I haven't played many, but I know that I'm way better than him at Super Mario 64. That game is really fun. My host's favorite game is Castlevania Symphony of the Night on his playstation, however. Both are pretty awesome.
"
Thanks for stopping by man, I appreciate it. As for me, i'll have to find some way of getting some social circle in order. I was one of two seniors in my friends group, the only other being my tulpamancer friend. For my own sanity though, I should probably try getting back in touch, since I doubt that they're doing all too much with theirselves (given most of my friends are seniors).

Anyways, here's to getting better and being able to (actively) force once again.