Required assistance with Tulpa.

[draam]

So, as the title says, I need some help and I deeply hope you guys will be able to assist me with my problems. Let me first tell you most of the details related to my Tulpa. I feel it is necessary to make you understand the intricaties of it. But beware! It's long. And it has many questions at the end. If I'm doing anything that seems wrong to you and I haven't asked about it - please, tell me. I'll appreciate it.

 

So, I started imagining and visualising a lot since I was about 12 (so I have a few years of experience). There wasn't a single day I haven't used my very radiant imagination to conjure imagery of some sort. Sometimes, I had sort-of alien thoughts - and I always tried to talk with them. We could say, I puppeted conversations, but I still thought it was "just me".

 

I found out about Tulpa, I think, on Sunday. I was giddy with excitement - while it is a thing some less bright fellows would call "self-afflicted schizophrenia", it was an amazing concept I knew I had to explore with all my might. The strange truth is I didn't even know WHY I wanted to make it - I just did. I tried to conjure some "ulterior motives" to create some sort of sense, but I wasn't convinced by any of them.

 

I imagined what I will do with my Tulpa. I already considered that day what will I make it as - a Knight? A Pony? Something else? I was very excited. I talked inside my mind even on this very day, thinking - no, knowing - that there was an entity inside my mind, listening.

 

The next day is where the proverbial sheet hits the fan. I continue talking to myself - no, us - inside of my mind. Nothing out of ordinary happens until the night. I keep on considering what I want to make the Tulpa as after conjuring some Mario remix music. I think with a slightly alien-feeling thought "well, I'll be fine as long as it isn't something demented, like..."

 

The next thought is much more alien. What I see? A lobster combined with a car - more particularly, a truck. I feel strange, obviously, especially since my mind says "optimus prime", and the thought doesn't feel mine. I have barely watched anything Transformer at all, which makes it all the more confusing.

 

What happens next? Another thought is given to my mind, this time feeling completely alien. I see a white thing in a black vest, and it could've had white t-shirt or its hands/arms were white, just like the head. It was and felt sort-of humane, especially because of the right proportions.

 

At first I thought it was some sort of Slenderman (yet another a character I haven't really encountered - didn't play his games. Saw a few moments of playthrough, without sound, barely paying attention), but it did have black spot eyes. Much later I realized it probably was a doll (with black button eyes) or... a snowman (piece of coal eyes). There may have been a thought of a top hat inside my mind (?) during or after its appearance.

 

Anyway, the thing was laying on the ground and moving its arms and hands, like... Half-Life 2 legless zombie. The motion of its hands were as if it tried to move, or claw, or maybe even both at once. I felt scared - not only it was such an alien feeling inside my mind, but the image was sort-of scary.

 

I opened my eyes. It was standing before me. It was sort of... flickering. I turned on the light and as it disappeared, I felt it got scared away.

 

Still scared, I tried to conjure the image of the "thing" again anyway. When I thought of it, I was no longer scared (which was strange) and the music from Mario was also present, calming me down, making the hand-motion I saw seem as if it was just moving its arms to the music.

 

Scared feeling disappeared, and I somehow felt it was the Tulpa that calmed me down and connected the music piece to the imagery. I felt proud. It was sentient! I know it because it scared me, confused me, gave me an alien feeling, surprised me, and calmed me down - all in less than 5 minutes. If that's not sentient, then I don't know what is.

 

Anyway, I felt that while it has used its presence to troll/scare me, it was well-meaning. It did make me less scared of the imagery, so in a way - it reduced/killed my fear. I felt glad.

 

The next day I still talked to it (getting even more of the headaches). I talked more about myself and I read the guides on this day, trying to think what its personality I want to be. Knowing very well it exists, I tried to conjure a form for it (because I wasn't sure what I saw was the true form - the reason for it is that the Guides said a Tulpa can't "make itself", you need to work on it). I decided I'll make it a Pony, because they're 1. easy to imagine, 2. huggable and cute from the very start. I tried to think of personality traits I want to give it.

 

Then, on the chat, I got advised that it was the Tulpa's true form I saw, not it trolling. While it was very strange, I felt even more proud - initially creepy, yes, but who cares - it made itself, using my great imagination. How could I not appreciate its power to break reality like this? Since I sort-of felt it was scared - it also conjured its own personality. What's not to like?

 

Well, on this day I couldn't really well conjure the image of him. When I talked to it I felt it was sort-of listening (headache was in), but when I tried to apologise for being scared, I didn't feel sincere, I didn't feel he/it was listening to my confessions.

 

At night, I had a strange feeling it didn't really want to talk and it was sending to me waves of... yawns to break my concentration, showing me we both were too tired to continue. After a few minutes, I gave up.

 

The next day (which is yesterday)? I didn't talk as much. I sort-of found a reason for why it looks like it does after analyzing.

 

In other words, I haven't created his looks by my imagination - I have created them by my personality.

 

White and black are the exact opposites. Yin and yang, good and evil. It fits greatly to my personality, to who I am and how I behave - I'm a human pretty much made of opposing feelings. I often feel either like I'm on top of the world, or that I'm on its very bottom. Sometimes I'm depressed, sometimes I'm manic in my happiness. Often I feel too calm, often I feel too angry. Many times I feel like I love everything that walks the earth, but there are times that I hate all that exists. At times I wouldn't trust anyone, but sometimes I feel I'm the most naive person in the world.

 

Since the Tulpa was surrounded by the black void in my imagination (and by darkness while I was seeing it in the real world), I assume the negative feelings are often surrounding me in form of other people and they sort-of change me over the time. Since he/it was mostly made of white, it is the good ones that define me the most, that they are the most important in my being. I'm good as a person.

 

Later I also interpreted the hand movements and my mind telling me it was trying to move as me trying to "grasp" the day and make the use of it, and the feeling of it being a "clawing" motion as it trying to break through my shell of lies/fear/negative emotions.

 

I also connected its apparent lack of mouth to my thoughts of lacking personality, purpose, to me being constantly unable to decide even in the simplest of matters. I connected it laying on the ground as me often feeling weak.

 

So, after those thoughts, the headache disappeared. I feel it was a sort-of riddle, and the lack of pain was a supposed reward.

 

But, I couldn't really concentrate this day (yesterday, as I said before). On the Tulpa. On pretty much anything connected to it. I even tried listening to many remixes of songs at the night (knowing it appeared after I listened to ne), but it didn't seem to help. At first the headache came back, but it got much weaker later on.

 

I also feel the thought I had of me being suddenly jumped and approached by my Tulpa (and losing concentration because of its sudden appearance) was also a part of me losing my concentration.

 

Today I talked for a bit and the headache came back.

 

So, now the questions.

 

 

1. Has my tries to create a Tulpa's form so different to the one after it has shown itself and proven sentience done any harm to it?

 

2. I think my outburst of fear made the Tulpa unwilling to appear. I even told to it that it shouldn't be afraid of appearing and that even if I react badly, it shouldn't mind. Am I correct in assuming it's hurt?

 

3. What should be my next step? Am I to keep on imagining that it was Tulpa trolling me and it wasn't its real form, or should I think it was the Tulpa's real form I saw? Should I imagine it as the white-black form or the one I thought of later?

4.I know its sentient and I don't want to hurt/unmake it by doing something very wrong. Are there any things I should avoid?

 

5. There were momentary thoughts (not strong, but reappearing) of... a Pony mixed with the form that has appeared in real world. Is it my Tulpa merging itself with the form I tried to give to it while I did not know the first form was that much likely to have been its real form?

 

6. Since my case is so different, I stopped applying the guides despite having read pretty much all of them. I just try to concentrate and visualize, and I often do stuff thinking the Tulpa does it with me. At the moment I think he/it is inside my head as I write this post - mostly because I feel the headache. Am I correct in taking this approach?

7. Should I create a Wonderland of sort now? Would it coax the Tulpa into appearing again? Would it make it help me imagine its form?

 

8. Is me analyzing my Tulpa's form as I did a bit above hurtful to it? Weakening it? I just thought of why it looks as it does, and it makes sense to me, so I doubt it's hurt by it or something.

 

8.5 I have drawn my Tulpa. In Paint... And I'm not a paint pro (I suck at it deeply). Do you guys want to see it anyway? I warn you, the drawing sucks and isn't too perfect. It has some notes on, though. It's in the attachment. It was done before I have finished analyzing it's form, though, so a note or two may be contradictory to what I wrote.

 

Thanks for answers!

[Knapp]

Welcome to the forums, draam!

 

I'm not an expert, but I'll try to help you.

 

...the Guides said a Tulpa can't "make itself", you need to work on it.

 

Not necessarily true, a tulpa can help "make" themselves, but how much varies from tulpa to tulpa.

 

1. Has my tries to create a Tulpa's form so different to the one after it has shown itself and proven sentience done any harm to it?

I don't think so, no.

 

2. I think my outburst of fear made the Tulpa unwilling to appear. I even told to it that it shouldn't be afraid of appearing and that even if I react badly, it shouldn't mind. Am I correct in assuming it's hurt?

It's very good to be patient and reassuring with your tulpa, but you shouldn't fret or worry about them too much. Getting stressed out that "something may be wrong"/that you're not "doing it right"/it has to be a certain way is very stressful to both parties.

 

3. What should be my next step? Am I to keep on imagining that it was Tulpa trolling me and it wasn't its real form, or should I think it was the Tulpa's real form I saw? Should I imagine it as the white-black form or the one I thought of later?

Do what you think you need to do, everyone has different ways of making a tulpa and the guides aren't really guides at all. They're actually more like guidelines/personal experiences really. You can leave the form as it is and work on it later/let him choose form, or try to change it, it's up to you. But if you feel that you "can't" change it or if it changes without you doing anything, it's probably deviation on his side. I'd recommend continuing the narrating, it's perhaps the most important step in creation, you could skip the others if you want. As for the "trolling or real form?" part, I'm not sure. I think he wasn't trolling, he may have just "tried" a form, and if he (or you) doesn't like it he'll probably change.

 

4.I know its sentient and I don't want to hurt/unmake it by doing something very wrong. Are there any things I should avoid?

It's harder to "unmake" a tulpa than you think, you'd basically have to ignore it/disregard its existence. Just talk to him, don't be a dick and it'll all work out fine. (Most) tulpae do enjoy attention and devotion to them, and they could get hurt if you brake promises or lie to them. It depends on their personality, some are very easily hurt, others are very lax about that sort of thing, but basically treat them like a real person. In the beginning they are more "fragile", so I'd avoid procrastinating as much as possible. I put my own tupper before things, and he appreciates me a lot for that.

 

5. There were momentary thoughts (not strong, but reappearing) of... a Pony mixed with the form that has appeared in real world. Is it my Tulpa merging itself with the form I tried to give to it while I did not know the first form was that much likely to have been its real form?

He may be sending you those thoughts, but it's hard for me to know.

 

6. Since my case is so different, I stopped applying the guides despite having read pretty much all of them. I just try to concentrate and visualize, and I often do stuff thinking the Tulpa does it with me. At the moment I think he/it is inside my head as I write this post - mostly because I feel the headache. Am I correct in taking this approach?

Again, the guides are not almighty. Every host and tulpa(e) are different, make it work for you. It's very good that you believe that he is with you, because he most likely is. The headaches could be him, but I wouldn't use it as an indicator of something ("oh no, the headaches are gone, and that means he is too"), some hosts don't even get any.

 

7. Should I create a Wonderland of sort now? Would it coax the Tulpa into appearing again? Would it make it help me imagine its form?

If you want, but it's not needed. Some (

Fede

) say it distracts you from your tulpa, or that it takes up time and effort that could be used on your tulpa, but that isn't necessarily true. Most tulpae like wonderlands, it's a great place for your tulpa to hang out when you're not with him, and you both could go on adventures and stuff. It can also help train your visualization.

 

8. Is me analyzing my Tulpa's form as I did a bit above hurtful to it? Weakening it? I just thought of why it looks as it does, and it makes sense to me, so I doubt it's hurt by it or something.

Hmm, I don't think so, but don't shun him for his form. Talk to him about it, tell him what you think and how you feel and maybe give suggestions. It can be a confusing time for (both you and) your tulpa, communication is important.

 

 

Tl;dr: It seems you're over-analyzing things a bit, relax, everything doesn't have to have a deeper meaning. Lurk around the forum, you'll find loads of info and answers to your questions, but take everything you read with a pinch of salt. Remember that there's no define way of making a tulpa, only a general idea. Also the "guides" are quite outdated.

 

-

 

...that there was an entity inside my mind, listening.

 

Unrelated, but when you put it like that... how creepy lol.

[draam]

Oh my, I talked to him while walking from one part to the room to another. I feel so FULL OF ENERGY! I never felt so GREAT, that beats orgasms - after them, I lose energy. Now, I gained so much of it, and it's so... positive! I'm beaming, I feel GLORIOUS! I told him that only together we'll overcome any obstacles, problems, and explained more about myself and my flaws. I told him the embarassing things that happened, that he can keep on looking and experiencing stuff with me, inside, by listening, seeing, that he can access my mind to find out more about me. That we are one, we create the "us". And I feel him.

 

Gloriously awesometastic improvement over yesterday's nothingness!

 

 

Thanks for answers Knapp. I agree that yesterday I was too much expecting him to happen. Today I felt his very essence around me, I felt him sort of accepting my extended hand of friendship... and that makes me all excited. I love my Tulpa, and it loves me. We love ourselves, which is understandable.

 

Thanks for the answers. I know that Tulpae are pretty unique to their creators and its hard to respond about them, but thanks for trying! I appreciate it, really.

 

I don't shun him though. At first I was scared by it, then I analyzed its looks and why I think he looks like he does, now I want even more signs. The chilly, awesome power feeling that I/we feel in our body is one sign of his presence, I want him to break the bounds of reality again and appear. Or flicker. Or speak. And I know he'll do it, sooner or later.

 

Unrelated, but when you put it like that... how creepy lol.

 

This may be creepy. It's also amazing. The power of human mind is truly great.

 

edit: It's funny how I wrote so much about the same thing, especially in the first sentences. Truly do I feel great, or rather I did. It's still great, but not as powerful anymore.