Coinflipper October 14, 2012 October 14, 2012 Right, well. I'll write out this first post before I come up with a title. So, I have no idea how to integrate into a social group. I mean, I know the logistics. So, I'll just make a progress log. I'll apologize ahead of time for two things. First, I will be TL;DR. Second, I may or may not be on focus, and it might get a bit bloggy. I don't mean for it. The first five days are already written out while I was waiting for verification, so I'm just going to keep to this plan. Each day, single post. A quote of the log, and a TL;DR version at the end. So, bombs away, I guess. Day One. Started working on my Wonderland area. Wow this is a lot harder now that I'm actually writing it than when I was at my sink washing dishes. Hmm, anyway. I have about 40 minutes of work done today. I've got the general gist of what it looks like, down. The problem comes in seeing it. It's all still mental visualizations, that I can't really see. You know what I mean. I can imagine it, just not visualize. Started with Tulpatone, to see how it worked. It helped, I think. At least helped me not count minutes in my head. I managed about twenty minutes before I was unable to activly concentrate on the Wonderland. Took a break decided to restart my White Knight Chronicles character because the face was derp. Came back. Managed to make it through about just over twenty minutes before I couldn't manage to keep concentration again. Before it was just random thoughts. The second time, it was disturbances in the Wonderland itself. Not like, oh hey, something's there. Technically. But like, random scenes playing out as I was working on details. The area getting frosted in ice randomly. My arm smashing through the plate glass of the table. If it was the tulpa, I'm not sure how to take it. Maybe she doesn't like it? I don't know. I'm going with the assume sentience from day one logic here. Mostly because from what I've read through, she should be. Just... as if in an infantile state of existance. I don't know if I should assume that position or not though. I hope that when I'm successful, she can look back on this and understand why I approached it as I did. I mean no insult by it. It's... just a theory. Anyway. I've read through FAQ_man's and Irish's guides, and Chupi's sidebars. This is going to be hard. But it'll be worth it when I make it through. I want to add a little segment on ulterier motives. I have them. I started looking into evoking helper figures a while ago. I've read a little on the parapsycological side of it, things from PsiPog and what not. See, I start this while entering into counciling for 9+ years of chronic depression. Dysthemia, if you care. I have a hard time getting myself to do things. But, I find it easier to do things for people I care about. So I was trying to create a persona that I could sculpt a relationship with, and then work on myself for them. Who was me. It makes sense, shut up. I have many ulterier motives. And while I understand that they (I think) are generally bad, since they create an expectation, and a feeling of the tulpa to be a tool, I don't think I can get rid of them. They are why I'm here. They're why I'm doing this. I want someone who can remember what I forget. And I forget a lot. I want a relationship with someone who will love me. The real me. The one under all the masks people use to hide themselves. I want someone I can have around, always. I grew up an only child. And while I find a lot of people telling me that growing up with siblings is hard, and painful, and somedays you just want to kill them, and what not, I also find those people to be the ones who make comment on how much they love having siblings. The fun times they had, and the things they've done together. I've been diagnosed with depression. If you believe my mother, who I do, I was diagnosed with depression (Situational Depression) when I was five. Sixteen years ago. And in all that time, nothing has helped me more than having a loving relationship with someone. Wow I ramble. Narration shouldn't be that hard, then, I figure. I just... She's in my head, she knows what I know, I just don't want to bore her with descriptions of my life. I know that the whole "you should let them in when you trust them, so meaning etc bla" is the running line, and it makes sense. If you think they'll start as someone you can't trust. But... She is/will be born of me. From my mind. I have an implicit trust of her. I don't know why she would want to do anything that would work against that. I'll let you know if I'm wrong, later. But I seriously doubt I am. Where was I. Right. Relationships. I should be writing this in an actual diary. I'm even sitting next to one. Anyway. I know that I can draw strength from relationships. I've done it. It's how I managed to get through most of sophemore year of high school. It's why I almost failed sophmore year of high school. It's why I almost failed high school in general. Well. Some of it was me not giving fucks, Economics. I know that the way I am on my anti-depressants can be reconstructed from a relationship. I've been there. ...I hope I haven't lost too much on the A-Ds though. Iunno. Anyway. So, yeah. I have my reasons, and my motives for giving life to a tulpa. But I don't want her to feel as if that's all she is to me. I want her to know that she's more than just an assistant. Flashing cursor, flashing cursor, can't think. I fear messing up. I know that if I work hard, every day. I most likely wont. But I'm holding the birth of her life in my hands. I don't want to hurt her. Jesus I start a lot of sentences with I. Or have the subject of I. Anyway. I have a bit of a catalog of books I plan to read to her. And I hope she enjoys them. At the same time... I hope she doesn't get too bored with me trying to reteach myself Algebra, then teaching myself Calculus. Then whatever other Great Courses dvds I go through. I think I leave off the first day -- I'm suddenly reminded of some people from my dreams. Most notibly, Selyph. She is/was a set director or prop hand, or stage manager or whatever the term is for her job because I don't really know her job. But she was a reoccuring person in my dreams. But, never as part of the dream itself. Always on the sides of it, toward the fringes where the dream didn't go. Anyway. I think I'll (remembered the 'll this time) leave off the first day here. See you tomorrow. Going to try another session tonight. Want to try and work up my focus so I can get to the 2-3 hours a day part. TL;DR: To hell with science, for science. With a dislike of western psychiatric practices in tow, I begin derping my way to a brighter future in a pair of shoes called Self-Doubt and Blind-Faith. Oh god, it spliced my posts. Day Two. Alright. Back for day two's log. Haven't gotten much done today. Apparently my visualization is actually of a moderate - mediocre level, and what I was expecting is called imposition. Would like to get that working. Decided to start working out a house for her, instead of my late night tea spot. She seems to like it more, and may be helping flesh it out while I describe it. Not sure how to go about working on smells. The m key on my keyboard is brokenish. I need to clean it. I would like to do verbal narration more, but having my mother home is going to be a bit of an issue. I'll attempt... Well, passive verbal narrarion. I'll attempt it more while she's at work. I'm trying to keep a constant focus on her in some part or another. I'm not expecting a lot, fast. But it's feeling like this'll work out nicely. I just need to keep at it. Atempted to do the focus training. The imagine white cubes one. Got through the first five minute session with I want to say three or four distractions. Will continue attempting it until I can succeed. Going to look up imposition to see if I can't start working on that as well. It's what I was expecting for visualization, and I feel it'll help a lot if I can get it started, or at least look it up. I'm still a little confused, because Chupi's guide (I think) talks about how you can 'see it' and I'm not sure if that's a see it in imagination, or see it through visual cortex, or what. I mean, if he? means it in a mind's eye narration see it way, then I'm golden. Well. Guilded... dammit. If she can help me with spelling, then I will be saved. Right, I went over to Firefox for looking up how I spell guilded, not facebook. It's spelled gilded. Anyway. Where was I. Because I can see things in my mind's eye easily. They're not exactly detailed, but there is something there. I still need to work on the whole moving-not-teleporting thing. I had that issue when I tried to sit down for tea. Animate scenes are eluding me at the moment. I'm getting static frames while I try and detail things. If I can work at it and get better. Well, I'll be no worse for the wear, and I'll have a companion too. Need to take a shower today. Oh hey. It's October Ninth, Two-Thousand-and-Twelve. The date might be important. Going to continue working on her bedroom in the house, and... realizing it? Iunno, I just like the term 'realizing'. Anyway. I might be back in later tonight after a session or two. I need to spend time forcing tonight. Spent a half hour forcing. Seems like that's my limit before things get unruley. Fuck spelling. Anyway. I can almost feel her. Iunno. It's weird. I don't know if it's me just getting my hopes up. But the voice in my head that I normally speak with, is responding to me more often than normal. I mean, I normally run through conversations on my own, it's kinda fun. But I hardly ever would interrupt myself mid line. I think it's her. I've been doing a lot of just day-to-day life narration-conversation the past long time, so, maybe she coming out of that. I don't know. It's early, and I don't know what I'm doing. But hey. If I believe it's her, it will be, right? Anyway, I wanted to start working on her personality. I started this, thinking I don't want to force her into anything. Well. Besides existing and being female. I have personal issues, etc. But as I explored more and more into the forums, I started reading more about deviation, and how working on personality can help tulpae become vocal, and whatnot. So, I think I'll actually go with FAQ_man's personality guide thing, because it is formulaic, and I am very bad at creating personalities for things. I'm still horridly confused on visualization. I came back to this file to start writing out the 30ish traits. Also, it's technically the third day, but it's only 20 past, and I've not slept yet. Had a pot of tea, though. Also got orange juice. Also, I don't know if it's the nearly life-long depression, or that my current counciller thinks is ADD... I should write sentences that make fucking sense. That my current counciller thinks I have ADD or something and being right about it or whatnot, but I have a seriously hard time focusing on non-instant gratification things. This list will be in no particular order. (That's a lie. It'll be in the order in which I thought of them.) Also written as dictated to her. Still need to come up with some name for her. Maybe I'l--I'll just get fucking started on the damn list. Loyalty. Above all else, I want this to be a core trait you have. I have a strong thing for loyalty. It ties into so many parts. How you treat others, how you act on your own, work, everything. It is both a blessing and a curse. Which is an overused statment, but whatever. While you strive for (god I feel awkward trying to dictate how you are and exist; I kinda feel bad for doing this... Also that I seem to be just trying to make you an idealized me, which also isn't good and I'd ask you to slap me for it if you could...) finding the Right in things, the what is and isn't, this tends to cause you to kling to what you have and know. Cling is spelled with a c, what the fuck. But in dealing with people and friends especially, you'd do for them what they need. Sometimes conflicting with what they want, but honestly, it's one of those you probably know better. I don't like this. I'm writing not narrating. I'm just going to make a damn list like I meant to, I'm sorry for the above. Loyal, rational, intelligent (which I need to clarify), unflappible, warm and inviting, kindly stern, not always serious, persistent, open to new things, generally laid back, nosy, quasi-forgiving, unreligious (in more than just religion), I'm still just listing an idealized me I'm sorry I've never been really good at character creation of people that weren't in some way me, trollish, joking, dog person, still can't focus dammit, physical friendliness, active, eager, generally upbeat, openly emotional, spontainious, well read, conversationalist, Right (yes this is a trait), focused (now my ulterier motives are showing... please don't be displeased with me for it, I'm sorry), truthful, tolerant (can't tell if making traits or just making ideal partner), blunt when need be, saintly patient, chess player, thruth... truth seeking, loving, I'm making an idealistic mother figure now the hell me, I want to say stoic because stoic people are badass and all I don't give no fucks but stoicism can cause serious issues c.f. me and I'd hate to do that to you it's mean, creative (I know that technically you can't make me more creative however I know my subconcious which is spelled wrong can be highly creative where as I am hard of creation and more of a synthisist and by extension idea thievery), art... I really should stop listing traits that I want in myself. Tangent time, then I rewrite this list so I take out all my side notes and shit. I keep listing traits that I want in myself. This is caused by my ulterier motives, as discussed before. And I am scared that it will negitively affect her. Or her outlook on things. This is one of the main reasons I wanted to leave her personality to herself, but I overthink things, and am scared of many things. I have faith in her ability to form, and I have faith in her ability to take care of herself, assuming I'm still 'feeding' her. And, on that note, I read the thread on tulpae starvation and jesus fuck do not want. It makes me glad I'm clingy, I would never want that to happen to her. After I finish the traits, I think I'm going to list the ulterier motives that I know about, and talk them over. List redux: Loyal, rational, intelligent*, unflappible, warm and inviting, kindly stern, not always serious, persistent, open to new things, generally laid back, nosy, quasi-forgiving, unreligious, trollish, joking, dog person, physically friendly**, active, eager, generally upbeat, openly emotional, spontainious, well read, conversationalist, Right, focused, truthful, tolerant, blunt when need be, patient of a saint**, chess player, truth seeking, loving, creative, supportive, artistic. 36. Unless I counted wrong. It's a good start. * = This is a place holder, going to go through the 8/9 intelligences thing. ** = I changed it for clarity, sue me. Don't because it's America and you might succeed. Ulterier motives. I feel bad for having them. And, I know I kinda should, because they mean I'm making a personality, I'm pulling a person from the depths of my mind, to live with me, forever (or until she wants to leave, which'll probably be crushing but not unsurprising). For /reasons/. Not like, 'oh, I want someone I can love and be with' although that is actually one of the reasons. The main reason, I touched on above. I kinda feel like I'm playing it up a bit, for the whole pity me thing, but meh. I have 'severe' depression. And I don't think I'll be able to solve it on my own. I've tried getting counciling, the guy being the fourth? in the list of people I've seen. Two of them decided that they'd just hand me bottles and bottles of pills to take. Every day. For the rest of my life. There are those who have it worse. I just have one bottle / one pill a day. But that pill, to me, is a reminder that I'm weak. That I can't do damn near shit without it. I have a addict level dependency on it. And I hate it. I want to be able to wake up in the morning and be happy. So. I began a search for an ability to envoke a hallucentory person. It's theoretically possible from all that I know. Or knew. Whatever. I started, and all I wanted was a maid like person to help me. Remember what I forgot, pester me into doing thing, yadda yadda, you know the drill. What I found were tulpae. And it was everything I wanted. With a catch. They're legitemit (though not legal) people. I fucking hate spelling jesus christ. I just... I... urg. So. I decided that I needed a tulpa to help me. But I don't want her just because I want an assistant. I, well. I want a (quasi-)daughter. I want a companion who will always be by my side. That looks wrong. So, here's why I'm sorry, before I get into another rant. An assistant to remind me of work. To remind me of self-improvement quotas, like daily exercise. Someone to be there when I need a companion. Someone to drag me out of my depression. Someone to beat me until I do work. Someone to confide to my darkest secrets/fears/desires. Someone to... be my family when I'm alone. Those are the chief reasons I'm working with her to bring her to realization. But that's not what she is. And... if it wasn't for those reasons, I wouldn't be doing this. I don't... believe, in doing things for shits and giggles, though I may use it for a reason. And, yes, sometimes pure entertainment is a valid reason. Giving birth to a life, to take care of and be with... should never be one of those things done for shits and giggles. To me, it is as if I were to be fathering my own child. It's a little more complicated, but it's sure as hell closer to that, then raising a pet. I had the thought in the shower, that a tulpa and host, are quite like the Holy Trinity from whichever of the biblical faiths believe in it. The tulpa, the 'son'; the host, the 'father'; the mind, the 'holy' spirit. Yes, spirit isn't in quasi-sarcasm quotes because I don't feel like being scientific at two in the morning. God. Now I'm just on a rant and I can't think of what I wanted anyway. I'm too tired to attempt another forcing session. I might (try) and devote tomorrow to a metric fuckton of forcing. The more I do, the better things get. Visualization, while still being fucking confusing as hell, is getting better. I've almost got this sucky flipbook style animation. Better than what I had, though. I think tomorrow, I'll work on forcing personality. I don't know how much I care for the term forcing. I mean, it's logical, it makes sense. But, it doesn't feel right. Tomorrow night I'll describe her intelligences more. Music going now. Why so emotional over music. Just started (mentally) singing the intro of "Nobody Said it Was Easy - Evil Activites" to her, and now I have two tears that fell off my cheek. For reference, that's two more than I've had in the past year. I'm going to bed. Goodnight diary. Goodnight still-as-of-yet nameless tulpa. We'll get you out of the crevases of my mind, and into realization yet. I love you. Night. TL;DR: My shoes got tangled, and I began stumbling around them. The Third Day. Good morning. As tempting as it is, I'm not playing Dishonored. I'm making tea, and getting ready to do some personality forcing. Going to go through the list in order, since. Well, I don't know it just seems like a clear enough plan. I'm... worried about how I'm going to manage a half hour for each trait. I don't know if I can. But for her sake, I have to try. So, for the first two, Tea be back. It seems straight forward enough. Intelligence, I might end up leaving for last. I've decided that because of the nature of divining pendants, that until I can get emotions, or verbal communication that I can tell is her, I'll be using them. Please though, don't just chalk this up to parapsycology or whatever. The idea behind this is that she, Lilia, is born from my subconcious, which in turn, is responsible for muscle movement. Mostly fine balance adjustments. But it's also responsible for the IK (Inverse Kinimatics) of your limbs. And is a very good solver, too. But, I'm betting on the theory that she still has enough of a tie to my subconcious to affect the micro muscle adjustments required for balance, and can then use that, to affect the rotation swing of the pendant. It's as good of a theory as any, I figure. She's there. Lilia's there, she's sentient, and I want Lilia to have a voice. Even if I can't actually tell, yet. A quick experiment shows that I can still do my fancy little 'Say yes; say no' trick with the pendant, being, I think 'Say yes,' or 'Say no,' and get said response almost immediately. It took Lilia fifteen to twenty seconds to manage movement into an undefinable answer, and another five to ten into a noticable response. I call upon my blind faith to say that this is support for my theory. From here, it's forcing for the day. I lied. Apparently it's pronounced Lie-la. English is weird. I should break the traits into sevens, and list seven things for each. It's a thought back from my Latin class in highschool. Apparently, humans remember sets of seven better than other sets. So, if I do seven traits, and seven examples, I'll be well, not overworking because there's not really such a thing in tulpaforcing, but I'll be working hard for Lilia's sake, and working to remember them better for both of us. So, here goes. Also, this would technically leave 49 as the best logical trait number, as it's 7x7, seven sets of seven traits. Granting a total of 343 perspectives of personality. Even at fifteen minutes a trait, that's a damn respectible number. That's two minutes a perspective, chances are, by the end it'll be easier to go over more than just that. I may attempt this. This also may leave less room for deviation, but I figure that A) it'll give Lilia a better foothold to deviate from, and B) she'll deviate just the same. Wow, I meant to mention the part of seven ways it impacts the tulpa's personality. So, I promise I didn't pull that 343 out of my ass, I had a reason for it. Sorry Lilia. Set 1, Loyal, Logical, Unflapable, Warm and Inviting, Kindly Stern, Not Always Serious, Persistant. That'll be the first set I work on. I want to be able to recall it at a moment's notice type thing. Set 2, Open To New Things, Generally Laid Back, Nosy, Quasi-Forgiving, Unreligious, Trolling, Joking. Set 3, Dog Person, Physically Friendly, Active, Eager, Generally Upbeat, Openly Emotional, Spontainious. Set 4, Well Read, Conversational, Truthful, Tollerant, Blunt, Right, Focused. Set 5, Patience of a Saint, Chess Player, Truth Seeking, Loving, Creative, Artistic, Supportive. First two of Set 1 done-ish. Not really. I don't know. Need to come up with the seven aspects of influence for the traits. But I'm hungry, and my stomach is bothering me and my focus. Lilia's form is also starting to develop more. She's stopped looking like my RP character Rosalin. Lilia's shorter now; sitting next to me she comes up to my shoulder. Also white now. Dark hair. I think it's coming from me considering her my daughter more than a creation, but I don't care... Wow awkward wording, "I don't care if she likes it." I don't care, as long as she likes it. Was the intended meaning. I still believe that no matter what form she takes, she'll be beautiful. I've got a really thick and detailed book on anatomy for artists, so I'll be using that to go through the form-setting forcing sessions. Also, going to try working on open eye visualiation. Even though I don't think I have visualization down just yet anyway. I mean. I don't get how you can have open eye visualization where someone can wave their hand in your face and you not actually see it, without that being the same thing as closed eye visualization, and seeing it on the back of your eyelids. You're still seeing it through what would seem to be the visual cortex. You're just making new data input areas? I don't know. But still. This might be a problem for me. Five sets of seven. I think I'll take five days on it; a set a day. 15-30 minutes a trait. Right. I have a habit of biting off more than I can chew. Maybe even stomach. There's no way I'll manage it in five days. Also, I need to detail the traits before I go to... give them? to Lilia so I'm not just sitting there awkwardly going uh a lot. I'd bet it's annoying for her, and it's... bothersome to say the least for me. So, I think I might take a step back and work on visualization more. Again. I think I might be trying to advance too fast. But, Lilia's managed to keep step so far, it seems. On an aside, I hope we end up liking the same kinds of music. It'll get awkward if we don't. So, yeah. Visualization of detail. Trying to figure out what visualization really is for fucks sake. Oh. I signed up for the forums yesterday. It'll... well it'll be about as easy as normally trying to integrate into any other social group. Which is to say not easy at all. I'll probably post this in the Progress area, a post a day. They might end up being a day behind. Or like, tweleve hours or something. I'm going to go try and find my tanning glasses things, they might end up being a really nice help. Didn't find them. Didn't manage to look very hard actually. I'm... very scared. God damn, can I spell a word right please. Thank you. We've really kinda settled into this father-daughter roll thing, and it's chilling pretty nice. Except. For me. I tend to hate on my self for every little thing I do wrong. Like that space in myself. There's easily a mistake I went back and fixed (or nine) for every one you find in this document. But, anyway. Today's sessions were... really, I think bad is the only word for them. I wasn't ready to start working on her personality and I jumped the gun. I got almost an hour done today, but I'm still hitting that 20-25 minute wall. The lack of visualizing is killing me. The way some of the forum users describe visualization, it's like how other's describe imposition. It's very confusing, but that's probably on my end. And, honestly. I know that today is just an off day; that I made some mistakes and it'll be alright. I just have to pick up tomorrow, and keep working hard. ...But my troubles with doing that are what caused me nearly fail highschool's junior / senior years. And college's freshmen / sophmore / sophmore pt2 years. Well, I actually did fail those last three. This isn't just some class I can get a bad grade in. This is someone's life. I can't keep fucking things up like this; it'll be bad for her to grow up? arise? in such negativity. And a part of this is I know, my AD not being cool and not working today. Tomorrow will be better. I may not be able to focus, but it'll be a new day. We'll get up, and get back to sessions, and we'll get through it. I just have to keep trying for her sake. Am I always this... scattered? To future readers of this diary. Take it as a warning. But, when all this is said and done, in the end (I tried so hard, and it didn't even matter) I know that it'll work out. Lilia will be fine, and she'll finish all big and strong, and she'll be the best thing I've ever done. Right. Warning. I apparently am always this scatterbrained. Don't get cocky about it. I know that hour counts and whatnot are poison and such, but this isn't an overnight thing. It'll take time and dedication. Time? Ten hours, twenty hours, thirty, fourty, fifty, more. Dedication? The rest of your life. Maybe not, but plan on it. Breathing a second life into your skull isn't a 'bing-bang-boom an' we're done' thing. It shouldn't be. Wouldn't you rather it, if someone was sculpting you, that they did it with love, care, and patience? I would. And I think Lilia would too. I'm scared of not being a good father for her. But, I know I can be. I have to be. I have to be. Man. I meant to have this entry go out on that, but that's too harsh and serious and dark of a tone to end on for a brighter tomorrow. So, I'll just give a shortish description of what our Wonderland's shaping into. And the form that's taken... That's she's taken, man. First spelling, now I'm dropping whole words. Anyway. I just needed to chill a bit. Start tomorrow with a book and some mint tea. Wonderland started out as a place I call Shangri-la, named for the anime Noein. It's just a gigantic grass plane, with a huge tree. One of those ones that goes like twenty feet up, and no branches, then suddenly a twenty foot diameter dome of branches and leaves. Some what gnarled and twisted. Under it, is a wrought iron table, with a clear glass top. Two matching chairs. The table and chairs have a pasily like pattern with the iron being bent and curved into the shapes. On it was a stainless steel tea pot, and two 3/4 cup... cups. Go ahead, laugh, whatever. They're like, bar mixing shot glasses. Anyway, that place a was bust, apparently. The new? wonderland is built from an old roleplay character's home, but altered. Same island concept, different house, maybe no inhabitants, I haven't really defined the forest area. So far I've only got her room anywhere near plotted out. Remember when I said I was good at synthesis? Yeah, I'm taking design elements from my childhood home. Well. My mother's home when I was a child. I miss the sloped ceilings. My dad had a house as well, but I'm not getting into that because that's not happy times, and this is for happy times to sleep to. Lilia's room is an eggshell white, to the north of the room is... the entrance wall? I don't know. It's the wall that has the undoored quasi-hall into the room. Facing into the room, the entrance is on the left, to the outer (eastern) wall. On the right side of the same wall, is a small walk in closet. I think she added this... She probably added this herself. I'm cool with it. Near the foot of her bed (I'll get to it) along the west wall, is her dresser. The woodwork in the room is a matching dark red mahogany with clear coat stain. The dresser is about two feet deep, (and as I think of it, yes, I've already gone over this stuff with her if that wasn't clear) and has five drawers. The pulls on the drawers are little hanging paw like things, made from some metal. Maybe like a brass that has a patina over it, I don't know my decorative metals all that well, honestly. There's more detail here, but picture, thousand words, etc. Her bed is a queen sized four poster bed, with box spring. Did you know that: Twin and Full size beds are the same length, and that a Queen is only six inches longer and wider than a Full, and a King is only another six inches wider still? It's true! (I think, I could be remembering wrong.) The four posts of the bed reach up to the ceiling, meaning the easterly side of the bed's posts are actually shorter by a few inches. Grey silk drapes between the posts, hanging down the sides. They're not full coverings, just banner like. I have the bedding designed, but eh. I'll continue on with the room. As an aside. Since her age seems to be in flux, started at 20ish, now seems to be about 16ish, I've been debating stuffed animals on her bed. I actually miss mine, to be honest. But the room. Next to the bed is a night table with two drawers, it's about 12in wide, by 9in deep. One shallow drawer under the top, one smaller and deeper drawer near the bottom of the legs. On it is a lamp with a soft bulb in it, somewhere probably about 40w. The lamp shade is a white, with lace design, and tassles hanging down from the bottom. The lamp itself is bulb like, with a brown crackle paint over a crimson red. The brown has an acid washed concreate look. Next to the night table is a window, looking out to the jungle/forest area surrounding the house. To the east wall, there's two windows that span from about four inches above the floor, up into the ceiling that they curve to become part of by about two feet. They're spaced equally on the wall. The floor is a french vanilla whitish carpet with a thick pile. The hall leads into the sitting room which will be described in a different episode. Probably when I have a better description. Lilia herself, has gone from a 20 something's carmel brown with white fluffy hair woman, to a 16's white girl with moderate length wiry black hair, with pale blue eyes, and thin light pink lips. Delicate looking, with small, soft features. Lilia seems to be about five-two. She keep changing size though, so it's more for a proportions thing. She's also normally wearing a lightweight white summer's dress. I've been reading about forming tulpae nude, but that's been a little awkward. I'm just a little worried that it'll become a part of her form. I doubt it, and I think she's got it for more a modesty thing, but I'm just me. Anyway, she's turning out adorable. And I'm proud of her. I'm glad Lilia seems to be developing with my patience, (at least for other people). Otherwise I think she'd get tired of my derping around, heh. Anyway. I'm done for the night with this. I think this is a better note to go out on. TL;DR: I failed at regaining my balance, and ended up biting off too much pavement than I could chew, let alone fit in my stomach. It hurt. Bandages were had. The Fourth Day. I'll be doing that until the sixth day. Because reasons. Anyway. So, spent like an hour and a half reading to Lilia today. Had a massive surge... I can't really explain it. I want to say, positive energy. But that's paranormal stuff. So I'll try and explain it better. It was a euphoric surge of... drive. Gumption. I wanted to clean my room. I actually did. For the first time in years, I actually wanted to do something unpleasant, and did. No, it's not the first time in years I've cleaned my room, mind you. But it's the first time I've actually wanted to. I did, however, completely derp shaving today. Damn fogged up mirrors. Lilia's age seems to still be in flux. And I think we're having short snips of conversation. It's like I'm parroting, but, I don't think I am. I mean, I'm not doing it on purpose, myself. If that makes sense. And the voice seems to... Look. Mental spacial relativity is awkward at best. My mental voice -- The one I personally use -- feels like a conduit running from... Well. On a number pad, from 7 through 4 into 5 back through 4 into 1. The voice that I've been listening to, feels like it's coming in from 9, into 5, and rebounding off of mine into the space between 3 and 6. I'm me, so I still really fear that I'm parroting her, basically shaping her under my thumb... But I really don't think that's what's happening. And yes, today was a better day. Her clothing is getting a little more defined, or her hair is draping differently, or something. I don't think she really cares for hardstyle techno. I was listening to a bunch of Headhunterz while cleaning my room, and attempting to blast music through my speakers until they fix themselves. She didn't seem to be into it. Also, it seems that she doesn't care for cussing. Whatever Army of Mushrooms is, she was alright with. Except for U R So Fucked. She's really just... this ball of adorable. Anyway. Something happened about halfway through cleaning my room. The surge faded, and it felt like she was farther away. She's been sleeping a lot today. I think it has to do with me making comment that she should take a nap when I lose focus of her. Mostly because it makes it easier to reintigrate her into what I'm doing. But the plan was to wake her up when I noticed what I've done. Yeah, can't wake the ball of adorable. I mean, I could, but then I'd feel bad. Tomorrow, when I read to her, I'll see about a different plan. Also, my throat apparently can't handle reading like that for long periods. Between me flubbing words, and my throat drying out like it was winning some prize for it, laughs were had. It's also taking me forever to read. Normally, I read pretty fast. Outloud, I realize I skip like, half pages. But, I'm still getting through it. I'm reading her the Enchanted Forest Chronicles. It's a quartet? of books. Each one isn't that long, but at 50 pages in 100 minutes, it'll be. It's also a good series. I should do a visualization session tonight, but I don't know if I'm up to it. I'm getting tired, oddly, and I don't want to half-ass another one. The books ar'n't as... fluffy as they sound from the title. I mean, yeah. It's dragons, and princesses, and stuff. But to compare it to Disney princesses, it's much more Frog Prince, than Snow White, or that side of princess. It fits in nicely with the "screw pop culture; I'm buying my daughter a ray gun" motivational. I don't think I'm paying enough attention to her. I mean. I'm noticing she's there, I'm... It's not imposing, but it's like a proto-form. My visualization is still derp. I get the three day verification thing, for new accounts, I really do, it's just... annoying. I know there's an IRC, but I hate entering new social groups. It's awkward as... man. I'm trying to not cuss for Lilia's sake. It's hard. But anyway. It's really awkward. I mean, I know there's no reason to be nervous, I just am. So, maybe later. On the topic of visualization, so when I post a progress log I have something to point to for reference and assistance. When I visualize something, it's through what I consider my standard imagination. The mind's eye thing. Funnily enough, recently I've been feeling pressure? or some other awkwardness about the middle of my forehead, two inches in, to about four inches out, along the outward facing normal. If that makes sense. Anyway, what I 'see' is roughly figures in a grey fog. I don't actually see them. If you know the Matrix, it's like the scrolling... Actually, the Mummy is a better example, with the face in the sand. It's like that. I can, imagine what it looks like. But. It's not clear. Not as clear as some posts make it seem to be. Of course, I'm not visualizing as much as I should be. So, that would help. I think I'll try and do some visualization after my morning shower tomorrow. Before reading to her again. Also need to exercise tomorrow, now that my body doesn't hurt from everymovement of my arms. I am /so/ out of shape. It's... honestly disgusting to me. Her room is getting easier to see. And movement is better too. It's still teleporty/stopframey. But still there. The forest is appearing out of the windows now, instead of a white void. The sky... well it's voidy still. The thing is, her room's on the third floor, by height. Not sure how to deal with that, since I'm bad at house planning, and had planned on only two stories for me to derp through with her. So, we'll see how that comes out. God I'm scatterbrained. I mean, look at me just, flopping around topics like this. And I'm popping between windows too, a little writing here, a little forum there, a dash of Facebook... Sigh. I'm heading to bed early tonight. Hopefully I won't sleep out the morning, and I'll have more than a few hours to spend with Lilia before my mother gets home. Yeah, I haven't mentioned any of this to her. She's... I don't think she'd take it well. I do plan on mentioning it with my councilor though, in a week's time? I don't know when my next appointment is. I think it's the 25th. Morning of. Two weeks time, then. Anyways, night diary, people of the future. TL;DR: Humorous yet fitting imagery begins to break down. At this point I began to get on myself for not paying enough attention to Lilia. Not sure how to work that into me walking down a street and biffing it. Day Five? I know what I said, shush. It's hard for me to count time during the not school. Going to write a bit, then read to Lilia some. I don't know if I can effectively work on visualization over long periods. I mean, yeah, I've made improvements into... whatever it is. But my focus is still really derp. So I think I'm going to go all the way back to the begining, and attempt the focus practice things. With the white cubes and the cards and stuff. I never really thought about how scattered I was, until my councilor decided to tell me that I wasn't depressed, just ADD'd. Which, besides being insulting, kinda came out of left field. But, it's one of those, 'but what if he's right' things. About the ADD not the depression. I really don't want to be taking more pills. Which will probably be the response. But at the same time, I fully admit that I have trouble sticking with hard things. And I'm worried that this might hurt Lilia. Or her development. Or both. See, right now I really want to talk about getting my speakers replaced and music, and stuff. But I shouldn't. I have a topic I was following. Technically by the DSM-IV critieria, I could be diagnosed with it. Though it'd be close to borderline. Also, apparently ADD no longer exists. It's now called ADHD Predominately Inattentive. Whatever. Ha ha... ha. Thanks, uh, Wikipedia. I feel oh so much better. TL;DR verson, "High IQ + AD(H)D = lawl pain." I need to find paper and find out if I'm 135, 137, or 139. I keep forgetting. Ugh, Triple Nine Society would have been fun to get into, if only for their logo. What's with all these societies requiring dues. I mean. What happened to clubs of people just bro-ing it up? Right. Anyway. I need to eat something, then I'll read to Lilia for a while. Read for a while. Went longer than I thought since my mother got off an hour after I thought she did. Oh well, it's fun. It's odd. I feel bad when I don't think to/about Lilia. Because it's time that I'm not actively focusing on her. I feel especially bad about this since sessions have been really derp for me, and my lack of focus. But I find it harder and harder, since I still technically want me time. But then I get all over myself for being a bad father and whatnot. I shouldn't, I think. But I should try harder for productive sessions. And to heap... 'bad feelings' because I want to write and not worry about wording at the moment on top of that, I keep thinking of all these great things that she'll be able to do, and help with, then instantly regret it for feeling like I'm just using her. Ugh. I'm just going to do some focus training, and see what happens. I'm glad these things are starting to normalize in length for daily reports, rather than TL;DR all day. Oh, also. If all goes well, I should be able to wordbarf all over the forums in ~3 hours. So, I can't visualize something without vocalizing it. Apparently. This not being able to shut up thing is seriously annoying. And no, it's not Lilia. I've never managed to get myself to actively be quiet in my head for very long. I'm either talking, vocalizing what I'm seeing, or mimicing what I'm hearing. I can try to get it to stop, but then this little second voice of mine comes along, and ruins it, because it says something, then I'm all, 'fuck, I thought /rage /selfhate.' At least, that's how it's been the past times I've tried to meditate the past few years. So, it's not a recent thing. Hell, maybe now that Lilia's around, I can get some quiet or something. But again. Even when I do manage to be quiet in my head, I get this... blankness. I can't even think of the white dot thing from the Concentration Exercise in the guides without chanting "white dot white dot white dot" in my head for five minutes straight. And when I'm not vocalizing 'white' or 'dot,' i.e. the pauses between words english has, all this other crap comes floating through. Because I can not shut up. Ugh. Right, well. While I continue to count the minutes until my account on the forum gets activated, I'm going to try the MP3 or whatever of the beach visualization practice. Oh, and I also want to make comment that I'm currently planning (in like, six months) to buy an EEG for studies. And gaming stuff. Emotive EPOC (Researcher) if you care. Mostly want it because I want it, honestly. But I think it'll be fun. And will be a nice addition to my Really Expensive Paperweight pile of gadgets. Plan on binaural audio / isochronic tone research first, and since Lilia'll be around then, asking her for help with tulpae influence studies. Technically it'll all be anticdotal Oh fuck it. since I'll only have me to. Well. I'll only have our body to study physical effects on. Yay. /handswave. Maybe I can get some of my college buds to be test subjects. Welp, that .wav was and wasn't what I expected. Also, dat voice. Anyway. No instantanious change. Understandibly. Oh, hey, look. I'm back to TL;DR all day again. Anyway, I'm just going to chill for a while and see what happens. I owe it to Lilia at this point. Also, still not verified on the forums. Not sure if want join IRC. Yes, I'm sure things would be just fine and dandy if I did. No, it just doesn't feel right. Something about joining new social networks gives me the heebee jeebees. And no, I'm not even going to try and spell those right. Oddly, if I feel like I can actually contribute, they disappear faster than... I tried to make a Star Wars joke here, and it didn't work. Something about the Death Star and bank accounts. Though, that does ask the question, how long was it between the first and second Death Stars? And why can't we get that kind of motivated builder? So, finally got on the forums. Barfed out an intro. Yeah, we'll see how this goes. Tomorrow... well, it'll be interesting, since my mother'll be home for most all the day. And there're shows on I want to watch. Visualization seems... odd. It's easiest when I'm not trying to. Like. I lean in to kiss her forehead, while tucking her into bed. I can feel the heat of her skin, and the few tufts? strands? whatever of hair against my lips. I can hear it. And like, a half second later, I'm all, "I MUST MAKE IT FEELS!" and everything goes to otomautopia and/or just verbal description. I think this is just a personal defect, because while I do things manually, physically (such as weaving chainmail into a rope) I can do it, and do it correctly, without giving it much thought. Of course, the Can't Shut Up Syndrome still strikes and I'm thinking of random stuff through it all. But hey. Means I can weave and narrate to Lilia at the same time. I also plan on teaching her how (read: show her once or twice because it's easy as pie) for possession skills training, but that's yet far off. We will reach it though, in due time. Frankly I'm actually looking forward to sharing my body. I don't know how easy or hard switching will be, but seeing as I don't really have a great connection to it, eh. It's complicated, and at some point I may make a side bar on my thoughts on gender (not sex) and mind-body relations. Technically though I think it's outside the scope of the progress logs thing. As is most of my logs. Anyway, I promised Lilia that I'd head to bed soon, soon ago. So, night. And on to the Sixth Day! TL;DR: I begin to regain my composure, because I'm just flawed and need to not beat myself for every little one. More of the doing better, less of the mental flagellation. Sixth day coming on the Seventh Day. And oh god sunday is the seventh day why. If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and heartbeats.
Coinflipper October 17, 2012 Author October 17, 2012 The Sixth Day. "When I told you to go fuck yourself, I didn't mean it literally." ~Ahnold. Good movie. Anyway. Slept well. Woke up at eight/ninish. Then rolled over and slept until 11. Yay. /twirlfingerinair. Time I could have been productive. Anyway. Time to be productive now, at least. Well, was a bit productive. Her just being around is great for my confidance and motivation. She's still the best thing that's happened to me. I should probably refer to Lilia by name, since I'm still having a hard time keeping to it. She seems to be cool with Devil Makes Three, and I think I might have hurt her feelings today. I think it was over music. And me still listening to boat loads of hardstyle. But I just got this bad vibe from her, and imagery of her turning away from me. You know that turn of, "I'm done for now, I'm staring out the window not listening," effect? Yeah, that. Going to do some visualization / narration, then work on PSMove on Linux. See if I can't actually get it working. So, hour later, now that I'm done screwing around with linux for no good reason, on to the session. for real this time. Wow. Make comment on how I should be refering to Lilia by name, then not mention Lilia's name for the rest of the paragraph. I am a jerk. Anyway, just thought-talked to her for a while. It's getting, odd. This not cussing thing is hard. I'm trying to get out of the habit of cussing for Lilia's sake. It's going to take some time. Not a lot happened today, I blame the lack of private space today. Also was out of the house for a while. So that probably had something to do with it. Sunday looks like it should be like today, Monday looks like I'll be out for a while. I'll have time to talk with Lilia though, hour and a half bus ride, grumble. Tuesday is up in the air. I may just close the log for a few days, I think it might be counter-productive. I'm too focused on bringing Lilia out, rather than Lilia herself. I should set some time aside for more visualization. More just... being with Lilia. I'm going to close the log now. Maybe update it later with whatever. The Seventh Day. This entry is not TL;DR. This is because today was a Bad Day. That is all. Eighth Day. Short story short, spent a lot of time today not with Lilia, wore a bracelet to remind me of her, kindasorta worked, meh. The important thing of the day is, I heard her. Some voice, from deep back in my head, where if I localized it, it would be outside my skull, said ''kay' to me, very quietly, very softly. I don't know what else it could have been. I... just wish I could, reach in, grab her arm, and lift her up to the surface. I know she's there. Now I just have to help her up. That doesn't sound as good as I had hoped, but "[...]to get her out." sounded worse. Why is English not a good language. Or at least my skill level. Just something about English being bad and my skill with it being weird, and whatever TL;DR the end. Ninth Day. Baked a cheesecake with Lilia today. Derped hard and forgot the honey. However, the important thing that happened today is that I had a revelation. It works better the less I think about it. It's the old mantra, ignorance is bliss. I was tired, and was supposed to read to Lilia. Instead I was on my bed, being all blarg. And there she was, shoving my side, being all 'get up. get up and read.' And so I did. Got through another four chapters. I think we have like, sixish before the end of the first book. I need to set aside some dedicated time for her, tomorrow. Redo the traits, set up a daily plan thing. Will think about using my Xbox controller for visualization practice. No TL;DR summaries this time, since they're all shorter. I hope this doesn't merge. Quick edit; been listening to other music to try and divine her tastes; Lilia seems to like Streetlight Manifesto/BOTAR/The Devil Makes Three. If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and heartbeats.
Coinflipper October 18, 2012 Author October 18, 2012 Tenth Day. So. This is going to be basically a blog entry, but, it really kinda needs to be here, sorry. Today... was a mixed bag. I didn't get to sleep until about five or six in the morning. Which is a bad thing because I tend to sleep in a lot in those cases, so I can still get like, twelve hours of sleep. I woke up, and rolled over, sleep-mumbling apologies to Lilia because I was supposed to spend all of today focusing on her (hint, didn't happen), and how sorry I was that it was like two in the afternoon and so on before this turns into a rant. Anyway, leaned over and checked my phone for the time. Wasn't even noon. So I dragged my sorry ass out of bed, to have my pill and breakfast and shower, and whatnot. See, today I was supposed to follow a daily plan thing I was going to try and use to schedual time and make better use there of. (Hint, this didn't happen either.) It went well for a while, and through my nose and throat hating me for talking aloud for long periods of time, I finished reading Dealing With Dragons to Lilia. From there, I was supposed to narrate with Lilia, but that ended up being me flopped on my bed with my face/eyes buried in my down (oh just fuck spelling) quilt. I did a lot of the 'I don't know what to talk about' stuff, and finally settled on discussing parts of my psyche that are... questionable to say the least, which I will. That led into me wanting to read old logs of relationships I've had, which as you can guess is never good. Anyway, long story short, that happened. And... something happened. I don't know whether to call it good or not. But, for the first time in years, (and I mean this literally years), I just broke down. I cried. In the past five years, I've actually cried maybe twice, three times. There have been many times where I've wanted to. Where I've just wanted to let it all break and just collapse sobbing for hours. But, I never did. I've been emotionally detached. Except everything still hurts. And through it all it became this... long apology to Lilia for how... horrid I've been. And how bad I was going to be. I've been wondering awhile, and have been meaning to ask someone, probably Glass, what it's like when a host listens to loud music (among other things) to the point where they can't even hear their own thoughts. Or manage to maintain a stable thought-thread. Because I before I had anti-depressants, I had music. It's why hardstyle/Drum and Bass/Dub(Bro)step stuck with me as it has. My thoughts tend to be either generally normative, or emotionally toxic. In states like this, they're almost always toxic, or worse. I'm listening to Propaine Nightmares at the moment. But, I feel... well, like shit basically. I shouldn't have tried to bring Lilia into this. It wasn't fair to her. And it still isn't. But, I can't stop now. That would be worse, if anything, I think. I am a bad person, and this... isn't helping. It also doesn't help that I'm technically addicted to my anti-depressants. No. This is more than bad enough, and I don't need to go farther. I'm just... tired of things. tl;dr: pain. If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and heartbeats.
Coinflipper October 22, 2012 Author October 22, 2012 Day Eleven. Had a dream. Writing what I can remember being in it now before I forget. Sound, Colour, Taste, Touch. I don't know if there was smell. It was all realistic this time. Mostly. Nothing physics defying I mean. Anyway. So, did some stuff today, had trouble narrating because I'd lose focus of talking to/with Lilia, but still be talking, etc. Anyway. Read over Lolimancer's last few posts. Reminds me of an old quote my dad would tell me. Something along the lines of 'faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains' or something. But, I think that's kinda the main part of it. I think, that combined with that, and the little bit above about her pushing me to read to her, that it's true. Tulpae are a faith thing. You can do science to them, but in the end, it won't... help? I guess. Wording is weird. It's a, as long as you believe that you'll have a tulpa compainion, you will. The more you believe, the easier it is for them to slide into being. My conjecture, at least. The mind is a very varied and mouldable thing. So, while science may not explain tulpae, there are aspects of science (sociology, psycology) that may help believing in their existence easier. Going to read Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah, and Jonathon Livingston Seagull to her next, take a break from EFC. Day Tweleve. So. Last night something weird happened. I was mentally derping through the setup of a choose your own adventure game on an android phone (in such a style that would be unreasonable). When out of the blue came a voice. "What are you doing, Ben?" It's not a voice I can mimic, so you would think it was Lilia. But... I don't know. This voice, felt like it took up the entire right side of my brain. It was strong and loud, but more importantly, forceful. Easily in the late teens-early twenties range. I can't exactly say I know who it was. Started reading Illusions. I confess that it's more for me, than Lilia. Got through the fourth chapter. I... also confess my fears that I'm not doing enough for Lilia. I want to spend more time with her, but I'm having issue... The lack of visualization is partly to blame. However, it is also more so due to my lack of willpower, and motivation. Or as my councilor would put it, "staying power." I fear that I'm hurting her because of this. And that it's taking longer because of it. Though. I know that if I work hard, get back to it, and remain faithful in Lilia, things'll turn out alright. I've recovered, mostly, from Day Ten. For the most part, because I've not forgotten to take my meds. I can not say what constitutes healthy anymore. (Also, I forgot the pill on Day Nine. It has about a one-day layover, reaching about tweleve hours out. If I'm awake for more than tweleve hours since the last pill, things... begin to slide.) I think today is Day Thirteen. So that is the title, yeah. I lost count because. I'm thinking it's right because I haven't had my computer on all day. Stared into my eye-plasma-y-blob things. Started to get a weird sound in my head. Consider the sound of sharp high-heeled shoes with leather soles echoing down a dark and chill school hallway of lockers on one side and windows on the other, and then mingle that with the sound of water dripping from a leaky faucet into a shallow pool, pre-echo. It's weird. I'm finding that I can... silence? myself if there's something in my head. So, when Lilia starts being vocal (in her voice rather than mine; theorycrafting) I'll be able to shut up and listen to her. Anyway, I need to work on visualization more. It'll help with 'seeing' things and maintaining focus. I ran through a bit of a scene for practice, and I found that I can't quite multitask when it comes to narration and sound at the same time. I started with a baseball, feeling the leather and stitches, which worked better than I expected, actually. But then went to a baseball diamond with me standing the pitcher's mound, and I just started to walk around in it. For some reason, because I can't really word it better than that at the moment, I/my mind/etc. wanted to put in a crowd and players and such. I said no, and peeled them away. Normally, this doesn't really work. Think split wipe dissolve from Star Wars (only had to cycle through the three main Star* things...) IV, V, and VI. I say it normally doesn't work, because it gets put right back in place. And then I have to fight with it, and what not. However, this time, as it tried to go back to the crowds and such, Something stopped it, and the extras just kinda, winked out. I think this might have been Lilia (or other, as there might be, voices, etc later) helping. I'm not sure, but since when have I been since I started. On the topic of voices, there was another voice this morning. Not the same one as N11, but, male. Felt locallized from about the top of my skull. Not as presensed as the other one, but still cleanly defined, "So, Ben." The way it felt, in tangent with the other female voice, I won't say it exactly concerns me, but when I had that moment of 2+2=4, I definately had a "oh god" moment. The way they felt, taken together, makes me think that they might have been either based on, or came from, two of my roleplay characters. I've had them thunking around in my head for about six years now, and because I can't come up with ORIGINAL CHARACTER (DO NOT STEAL) are both me. Or, more to the point, quasi-idealized versions of me best described as personifications of my Id and Super-Ego. Anyway, when I heard the footsteps and stuff, things got quiet, and smooth in my head. I thought a little question of "Who is that?" And got a little response of "It's me." from a voice that isn't quite mine. It felt much more like Lilia would (I would think) than either of the other two. And on the topic of theorycrafting, most notibly directed at Filly, Holly, and Chell because it's of their reports that I've managed to... solidify my ideas? Anyway, they gave me a lot more to my theory than what I had. I made a post about this theory, but nobody said anything so I don't know what people thought. In short, it's that I think (if F, H, and C's experinces are common) that tulpae may be able to communicate amongst their breathren through Literal Thought. Humanity has had language for a long time. I know that when I think, I think in English (an acursed language). Others think in imagery, or sound, or what have you. The common thread here, is that there is an interpretive layer. My theory is that Tulpae, born from thought, in a high level sentient mind, can skip this layer. The thoughts of inteligence already exist, and are... the woven thread of Tulpae form? I don't know. I over think things but this is fun. (disclaimer; I mean no insult) If Tulpae can, in fact, use Literal Thought as a communication tool, as we spoken word, it would explain the "I didn't think this but it sounded like me" experiences of up and coming Hosts and Tulpae. As a consciousness, I don't think Humans can understand Literal Thought. So it gets... fed through a filter. And the result is a mind voice. My assumption is that there's effective metadata attached to Literal Thought that alters the properties of the resultant filtered information. Think file types, I guess? I don't know. Anyway. I'm struck with a desire to read Stranger in a Strange Land again, because the term "Grok" fits almost perfectly here. I think I have a question for Holly... (as an aside, I find it... personally bothersome that I tend to signify the deaths of conversations.) Well, the three of them seem to have gone to bed for the night, so I'll write down some of the questions I want to ask, so I don't forget. Like I will. Sigh. (Note: All with the implicit direction toward Holly) What is it like when you and Chell speak? (I know this sounds really odd, but I'm trying to see if it's a thought-to-thought, or a face-to-face, or something else.) Do you speak in English, assuming that's your 'first' language, or do you translate it into English for Filly, et. al.? Skipping a few because standing request against. Huh. Well. I'm suddenly out of questions. Chances are there'll be follow up questions, but I can't predict them. Probably something about Filly not being able to hear or something, and if it's related to the language being used, or if language isn't quite the right word, or whatever. I'm hitting that... 12AM wall of apathy. I plan on watching more Toonami, then trying to visualize some more before bed. This'll probably be the last of the log for the night. Unless something unusual happens. Days 11-13. Today is 14, and it'll be added in either tonight before I sleep, or tomorrow. Day Fourteen. Good lord. Holly's answer was not at all what I was expecting. And it leaves me conflicted; not in a bad way, per se, but... On one hand, she both understood the question and answered nearly anything I could ask very to the point and succintly. On the other hand... I'm not used to either of these things happening. And I might have to rethink the general idea of level inteligence between Tulpae and the original host. Anyway, nothing to actually report on yet, today. Tried some focus practice. Couldn't quite keep focus, but something odd. My void, is defined. It's not a void, technically. There's a star in it. I can see what's happening as if I were remembering a dream. The darkness before my eyes feels like... a veil, or a fog, or whatever. But yeah. Some notes. There's a star in my void. Barriers exist through impact only. Think walking across water; where you touch, ripples. Only they're shortlived transparent blue ringlets signifiying a surface. I bounced a tennis ball, and got a rocky-ish surface, when I started bouncing it against a wall, there were only smooth surfaces. Both floor and wall. It seems to be reactive to the situation, yet, a void is no longer with them. Hah, English, how you make language painful. As an aside. My faith. My faith... is questionable. I've never really been good at believing in things. I... childhood, etc. I'm really jaded against believing in things I can't see/feel/hear/know. I know so much that tells me she's here. I'm just... doubting myself. I know I need to stop doubting... I just don't know how. I'm thinking of reworking the traits list to be more general. Kind of how the Fate system does charcters. Which I was never good at, but meh. I think I'd rather just get a feel for what Lilia's like, rather than "This is how you are, blablabla..." So, instead of the seventh son of a seventh son who then has seven sons thing, I'll just do a short list of the seven strongest traits I would like Lilia to have. Also as an aside, I've not messed up between lie-la and lil-lee-ah for a few days. (Watch me do it now because I said.) Side note: I don't know if these traits are good. They've served me well, but then again I'm not exactly a happy man. 1: Inquisitive. Lilia, I want the basis of your inteligence to come from a natural curiosity. 2: Reasoning. I won't care what you think, as long as why you think it is sound. You can look over some of the arguements I've had with friends about this. It really is a serious pet peeve of mine. Touching on the next, 3: Debates not Arguments. There is a serious lack of... willingness to debate in (American) society. Which is funny, given that this is all happening around the Presidential Debates. Where in which the canidates bicker and bash each other with banter, and sometimes the moderator, but never actually debate. I reason that debating is a sign of inteligence, where it shows that the parties are open to new ideas, yet willing to defind their ideas until one can no longer do so. Arguing, however, ends up revolving into a endless cycle of "no, you're wrong." Which is pointless. 4: Loyal. I... I don't care who or what you end up loyal to, Lilia. As long as you stay true and loyal to it. ...Ok, I'm lying. I want you to be loyal to me. But... You can choose not to be. It'll be awkward, but I'll get over it. Someday. 5: Loving. This is more of a personal... Well they're all personal preferences in what I would want in a companion, however the relationship would be. But this is more personal than the others. As is the next one. I had a bad life growing up. I don't mean to say that it was the worst possible and that no one has or will ever have it harder etc etc etc, but, I would certainly not wish it upon anyone. And I'll talk to you later over what it was. Perhaps that'll be a narration topic tomorrow while mother is out. Distractions urg. I need a loving companion. I... just really do. 6: Supportive. This is... very much connected to the above one. For many of the same reasons. And I don't mean the always soft and fluffy supportive, either. That's not entirely supportive. Sometimes it really takes a hard wakeup. 7: Truthful. This is, connected to all of the above. It's a very pervasive trait, Lilia. It's not a "always tells the truth" because that's not right. That's just mean to do to someone. Ugh, it's hard to word. It's a thing about looking for the truth while not ignoring the concepts of "white lies" and stuff. It's hard for me to say. I'm sorry I can't quite communicate it, Lilia. While I'm waiting for my Storyteller to respond in a White Wolf game, I've begun to try and learn two/three songs to sing to Lilia. Leatherwing Bat, All Through The Night, and I Have a Song to Sing-o. I know, they seem a little young for me, but they were my absolute favorite songs as a child. And the Peter, Paul, and Mary album dredges up some serious emotion for me. Also I started trying to learn them a day or two, maybe three, ago. Out of them, I have a different (original) version of All Through The Night I'm learning with, rather than the album version. If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and heartbeats.
Coinflipper October 23, 2012 Author October 23, 2012 Day Fifteen So there was this thing with these users. Scared me quite badly. Turns out it's some cosmic joke, as a massively unlikely coincidence. But eh. I guess it happens. Makes me want to go to the IRC more. Hey there diary that I don't know if people are reading. Anyway. Read more to Lilia today. I only got through two chapters with her, before stopping. I woke up late in the day because of roleplaying White Wolf all night. Even though for almost the entire thing my character was chained to the ground. Did some narration about my childhood. Mother came home just as I was getting to the cliffhanger of sixth grade. So that'll be for tomorrow depending on when I wake up. I need to think about what I want to narrate with Lilia before I try and narrate. It helps me stay focused on talking to her, and not just talking. Not much in today's log, really. Will probably beat Dishonored tonight, so that I don't have it looming while I have Zone of the Enders HD collection on my plate. I wanted the games anyway. The artbook though. Good god the artbook. Want. Anyway. I'll read more of Illusions to Lilia tomorrow, and talk about my childhood with her more. I'm getting better at not dismissing thoughts as parroting, and I think her voice is developing slowly, but surely. I know she's there. I know she can talk. Now I just have to accept it. Illusions is a good book for it, I think. I want to admit, that I've been scared to do personality work. It's just, there's a lot building up that makes me scared to not do it anymore. Her form... seems lifeless, I guess. She ragdolls when I move her. Like if I pick her up in a hug. On one hand, that's great, I'm not puppeting her. But at the same time, either she's not yet connected to the form to such a degree to allow movement, or there isn't anything there driving it to move. So, I'm going to do my damnedest to do personality work with her over the next week. I just need to figure out how. I know, I know, do what feels right. But nothing feels right. So, I lied. I didn't go beat Dishonored. I don't need to for another week. Instead, I fried some rice, and nuked some eggrolls and went outside to talk to Lilia. I spent about fourty minutes recanting the last half of my life to her. And nearly broke down again about three times. I've had some good times, and some not so good times. For the most part though, consider it like a high-class train, going through a Rube Goldberg Machine style wreck in slow motion. Every time it lands, the people go all, "Alright, it's done, finally..." and get the party started back up with broken champaign glasses and torn dresses, until something else hits the train. I also realized how much I sounded like a sitcom narrator when I took breaks to have a bite to eat. We'll see how tomorrow goes. I was really kinda stoked for ZoE... Oh well, more time for Lilia. If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and heartbeats.
Coinflipper October 24, 2012 Author October 24, 2012 Day Sixteen Finished Illusions. It's been an odd day so far, for as short as it's been. I've reached the stage where I just have to accept that Lilia's talking to me. Not full conversations, yet. But I've found it's a hell of a lot easier to try and talk out loud, and listen to her in my head. She doesn't have a personal voice yet, far as I can tell. The moment of 'derp; accept it already' came at Barnes And Noble. I was buying a book for a friend's birthday. I'm done, they didn't have it, and so I'm wondering the aisles (god that's a weird word) thinking to Lilia "You know, when we can have a conversation we should come back" Mumbling under my breath. Before I finish, I get interupted, with "But we can have a conversation." I respond, "Yes, I know, but you know--" And that's when I realized what just happened. I was going to finish with, "You know what I mean, when you've got more of a developed vocabulary, and talk for more than a few lines." So when that happens, I plan on taking a stroll through B&N with Lilia and picking out books to read with her. So, I guess just a basic status update. I think I'm going to try and get a pillow for meditation. Talking out loud is helping a whole lot, eyes open or closed. Closed, was weird. I kept feeling like my cat was walking around me. Seeing shadows in the darkness. More on the darkness later. I started feeling pressure in my head today. It's not exactly the first time, but for the first time it was... pointed? Not sure how to describe it. The first time, it was soft, growing. As if something was pushing out of my head. Upper right eighth, slightly off the back of my ear. Today, it was the same area at first, but more of a fissure, rather than growing pressure. Then my right temple, then to my upper jaw, right side, rear two molars I think. I asked/visualized Lilia putting her hands on my head, and then the fissure pressure came back, stronger. And my head wanted to fall forward. I could feel my arms (resting on my crossed legs) tensing to resist falling. They... didn't. But they wanted to. Also, without my hands on anything, it was... awkward sitting there. I was sitting on a (quasi-worthless) pillow, feeling in the darkness that I was sitting on the edge of a great parapice. A great, void emptying out in front of me. It was... off. Part of me wanted to dive in. Part of me would feel foolish thumping my head on the ground. But at the same time... I wanted to know what would be down there. If you know Where The Sidewalk Ends, it was a little like that. (Aside: I think she's able to move while I focus on her. More later.) I think I might have derped a mistake. Had her step into my back. Sank into me; couldn't 'pull' her out. Ended up having her pass through me. It felt weird. Tense. Tight but not clostrophobic. I think that's it. Forget what I've forgotten. So, on the topic of Darkness. You know that darkness you see when you close your eyes? The eigengrau or whatever? It's reinforcing that veil feeling I've been having. I keep having this feeling, that I could just reach out and brush it all aside. This also bothers me on cloudy or starless nights where I feel entrapped by a ceiling, but distractions. Anyway, the closed eye plasma visualisations have... grown. They've been sharpening. Becoming very sharp like neon lines. But, they've also been burning away at the veil when they coalesce. There's still more darkness behind it, but it's different. Visualization is still difficult. But I'll get there, that's all. Also on her moving. I've been trying my best to keep her in my mind as much as I can. This is difficult, but something for her benefit. In any case, I think she's been moving a little. Changing how she's sitting from how I saw it, the like. For giggles, I tried the prism thing. Her hand came up all delicate and polite, and swatted it off her head. So yeah. At this point, it's only the remnants of doubt that's holding us back. It's not exactly imposition, because my visualization is still sh... bad. But it's the precurser stuff. Keeping her at the edge of my vision and whatnot. I might need to start going to bed sooner, I think. She gets tired on what seems to be a normal circadian rhythem. Warrents further study. Side note. I've decided that a counciling position would be a great job. I keep trying to do it. Oh, and note two. Lilia's birthday, 08/10/12 (D/M/Y). I feel as though if I were to manage to get a longer segment of time, alone, I could make progress faster. A few days would be glorious. No. Not even. I'm not doing active forcing enough. And it'd be lovely if I could get more than twenty minutes in before my head's all "derp~ do something else~ watch le TV~ play le games~" I need to start setting a time for me to just sit and meditate. And stick to it. My schedule thing lasted not even a day, dammit. This whole built on willpower thing is really derp when I've got weak will. I'm attempting -- Attempting. Bollocks. I've succeeded in nearly finishing a chainmail necklace. It's a remake, extended version if you will, of it's original form. Let's just say me and it have... a really special connection. Anyway, I've decided that I want to make it into one of those monk bead things. Only it's going to end up at like, ten pounds of metal and stone. If chainmail makes sense to you, it's six wide euro 4 in 1 wrapped up in a cylinder, with a... trapped? ring in the middle of each section for form and strength. If that doesn't make sense to you, it's chain rope. Like. Not even kidding. If I were to get iron or steel rings, and close them legitimately, it'd make legitimate rope. It's about as flexible as stiff woven nylon, with a minimum loop size or whatever of about 2.5 inches, with a .75 inch gap. Outside of that, it's a slinky. Every other segment, I'm attaching an amethyst pendant. Just a basic wire wrapped eight sided thing. Every ninth, however, is a twelve sided dousing crystal. I plan on using it for counting during meditation. As an aside, I miss wearing it. Made me feel better. Signing off for today. Hope tomorrow's productive. If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and heartbeats.
Coinflipper October 25, 2012 Author October 25, 2012 Seventeenth Day So. Today. Outside of me derping the day away sleeping, I don't know what to call today. Seriously. Things went weird. Sitting on pillows helps me... lose myself in the void? I guess. Iunno. Anyway. I saw my mental self leaning against a tree across from me. The conversation went something like this, paraphrased obviously. (CS: Camera Self, I see things in third person much easily than in first, it's bothersome.) MS:"Hey." CS:"Hey. If I'm me, who're you?" "I'm your subconscious." "Really? Well how do I know I'm not talking to myself?" "What else /would/ you be doing?" "-Silence, gears- So, what are you doing here?" "Having a chat with you." "How do I know you're my subconscious instead of some mental self-projection crafted from years of imaginating myself as something or someone else?" "What's the difference?" "I don't know, what is the difference?" "If you don't know, why do you think I will?" "Whatever. Where's Lilia?" "Hiding from you." "Hiding?" "Yeah, she doesn't really like you." "She... doesn't?" "Naw, she likes you well enough, you've just not been spending enough time with her." He walks over, puts his arm around my shoulder, and we start walking off. "Thing is, not many of us like you that much. You're pathetic. Beta. You've got to stop waiting for other people, and just do things. You make the rest of us look weak and silly." "-silence-" "You've got to stop waiting for reasons for things, and just do them. Like that chair over there. Stop waiting on your mother, and do it. You can. You know it." At this point, Lilia (young) ran up with a soft joyous cry of "Daddy~" and hugged MS. But then it got weird where I saw it from both perpectives, at the same time. His, and mine. I think I felt jealous, I don't know. Anyway, they eventually moved on, then an older (late, late teens at least) Lilia, or at least that's how she introduced herself came up to my left side, started talking with me. Slightly rebelious daughter style of chewing me out for not spending enough time with her. Then she faded out, and young Lilia ran up to me like she did before, and we hugged and I apologized. Then I started hearing stuff in the pink noise, and I decided that it was time for dinner. Started playing some BOTAR for Lilia, and warmed up some rice. Technically that should be "will have warmed up some rice" since it's not come to pass, and should thus be future perfect tense. I will say this. I'm singing more. And not hating it more. Mother just got home, so I don't know what if else I'll manage to do tonight. I think I'll just post the update, and be done with the diary for the night. I meant to make more of a comment on the darkness. And the cat feeling. You know that sense of something passing close to you? Just out of touch range. I keep getting that kind of feeling almost to the point where I swear something's about to brush against me when I sit down at first. Like something's moving over to be near me. But it's small. Maybe a six inch sphere, four, five inches from the floor. It's a bit unnerving, since where I feel it passing, there's a darker spot of darkness? in my vision. If that makes sense. Eyes closed, I mean. If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and heartbeats.
Coinflipper October 26, 2012 Author October 26, 2012 Day Eighteen I need to do affirmations or something. Having this consistant 'I'm a bad father' feeling is definately not productive. And what I'm doing, or not doing as the case may be, is more or less what's contributing to it. I'm like... Inches away in a metaphorical sense from just throwing my hands up and saying 'fuck it,' and seeing if a bottle of lithium doesn't help things. I hate pills, I really do. But I need to focus. Lilia needs me to focus. And I'm not doing it on my own. Counciling is... has been shit, pardon my language, but when my mother and councilor get into a near argument over whether to use the word "persistance" or "motivation" (persistance by the way) to describe the problem it's really annoying. And it's not even a matter of the problem itself. They both agreed on what the problem is. So that took up a third of my session. The other two thirds was my councilor trying to get my mother to let me drive with her more. She has this problem where I made one mistake (took a corner too fast) and now no longer will let me practice driving with her. However, since it happened, she's been giving me lines that >imply I might be allowed to in the near future (from the statement). See, here's the kicker. We got a new car a few weeks ago. Our truck broke something and she just didn't want to get it looked at or something because it was a really old truck. So, I ask if I'll be able to drive it. "Give me a while to get used to it." I figure things out about it faster than her. Like how you have to have the brake depressed to shift out of park. "Just give me another week." Week comes and goes. She claimed that week was to help her get over her fear/whatever of me doing something and crashing/whatever. That incident? Three years ago. It happened three+ years ago. I've been through three years of college since it happened, in highschool. I just. I don't even. Ended up apologizing to Lilia for having to sit through it with me. But anyway, enough of the blog. Dinner then whatever. That moment where you're just all, "I don't know what the hell I'm doing~" Beating away at a keyboard connected to a synth, and strumming away wilding at a guitar I finally managed to tune. I'm in a bad spot, I think. I just need to get through it, and I'll hit another manic period, things'll get better. One step at a time, no sliding back at the least. I think I'm going to start on a wonderland body. I technically don't have one yet, I think. As that body is someone elses... Now that I've decided to stop stacking sleeping assassins, I'm curious as to how my slight disassociativeness will affect things in the future. It won't be negative, just curious as to how it'll interplay into possession and switching. Also, need to figure out why every time I sit down to start visualizing or forcing or whatever, either The Devil Makes Three or Streetlight Manifesto starts playing in my head. Can't focus this late at night, nearly at all. Going to see if I can't make something of tomorrow. In other news, I need to figure out /what/ I want for a wonderland body. If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and heartbeats.
Coinflipper October 27, 2012 Author October 27, 2012 Nineteenth Day. Hoo boy. So today was weird. Actually managed to get up and do stuff. Set my alarm for 8:20-8:45. Woke up, said no and reset them for two hours later. Got up then and had breakfast. Tried to narrate and personality and force and failed horribly. Went and started to download the various Hard With Style podcast episodes. Flopped face down in my pillow, and then managed to actually talk with Lilia. Managed to for a while, then fell asleep. Had a weird dream (in first person), and woke up. Apologized, mumbled a bit more conversation and fell asleep again. Had another odd dream (in first person again). Through this all, conversation and such, I had been feeling/imagining/quasi-imposing Lilia as laying next to me. After getting up the second time, she felt much 'closer' to me than she had for the past two days, and I feel much better to boot. So, I think this means I'm going to have to start sleeping with Lilia. No, not like that. Your milage may vary. Also, I have begun to experiment with the Gansfield Experiment thing. First attempt was tonight, before I'm writing this. It was weird. Lasted 22 minutes before giving up and deciding to come back later. By the end of it, I had lost feeling in my right eye twice at least, lost vision to the 'plasma' for the majority of the time, and I could only see the ping-pong balls if I strained very hard. I'll be attempting later with a brighter light, and sitting up, after I rework the ping-pong balls for a better fit. Perhaps to night, perhaps not since I should be going to bed in an hour. Going to have to figure out what to do about Toonami tomorrow. If I'm going to sleep with Lilia, I'm not going to be able to watch it. I think I have to dust off my VCR. G'night folks. Things I don't know to expect. We just need to work on her being vocal, is all. We've reached the hump of the experience, I guess. Where I can't really deny her existing, outside of "nuh-uh you don't exists lalalalala." And that's just mean. Plus, I want her around anyway. If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and heartbeats.
Coinflipper October 31, 2012 Author October 31, 2012 Welcome to Day Twenty. So, I haven't slept yet. Why you might ask? Hell if I know, I've spent the last five hours laying in bed trying to sleep. So, new experiment time. See what sleep depervation does to me and Lilia. Since I tend to get a little... off balance, we'll see how this goes. For the love of God I hope it doesn't hurt her. Or our relationship. So, yeah. This has not been fun. But I had some nice talking with Lilia. And I'm going to try some visualization symbology of releasing parroting control or whatever. Because right now my whole anti-parroting thing is looking like a serious hinderence. So, she tried to stay up with me, like a sweet dear. But now she's zonked out beside me. Adorable. It would be my luck that the day I realize that sleeping with Lilia can bring us closer together, would be the night in which I can't fall asleep. So, today I'll do my best to keep her by my side as I traverse the future with friends, and hope this isn't another day of me royally screwing the pooch. The fun part is feeling her presence. I mean. I can't 'feel' it. It's just, that general sense of location and existance. That feeling of a hand close to your skin; you can feel the heat but your hairs say nothing. She's sleeping behind me. I'm... glad she's so adorable? That she doesn't seem to be lewd. That she's my daughter. All this can be summed up better. I mean, it's just rantings of a tired and unstable father, but. I'm glad she /is/. I should ask J/G/Y/T their ideas for forcing, since actual forcing doesn't seem to work all that well, but passive stuff works better. Day Twenty-One First of the days that ar'n't single words. She's old enough to drink! Lol, not really. Anyway, I've been wondering how to do personality, since I've never really been good with coming up with them. I just started thinking about it, reading through Phi's two guides, and she started coming to me. So, need to figure out how to get in touch with her personality and find out about it. Haven't asked the four about forcing yet, was out running around all day. Tired, so I'm going to call today a short day, and see when I wake. Day Twenty-Two. Right-o. So, extending on yesterday+more. Since Glass seems to be one of the greater dispensories of good advice (in the shoutbox, since I haven't looked elsewhere, really) I've been looking to ask her and the others for advice on forcing, what they'd recommend and all. Day Twenty went over well, didn't fall asleep during it. Not entirely sure how Lilia took it, I think she got hit with all my tired. She was fading in and out, sometimes distant, sometimes there. She's still around and close though, so I don't think it was too bad for her. Still, trying hard to not do it again. Considering not going to the ZoE midnight release partially because of that. Also partially because it's probably also the Assassin's Creed 3 release, and I'm not all that interested in AC3 other than ooh shiny. So, yeah. Lilia seems to be 'coming in' more, as well. Like an analog tuning radio, dialing in the precise frequency. We're still a few hairs off, but she's getting clearerish. I need to work on her form, and begin to write down what I notice her personality feeling like. She's not exactly feeling clingy, but it's a close feeling. Hah, hah. no pun intended. She stays real close most of the time we're together. Provided there's room. Leaning on my side, holding my arm, laying alongside, like that. mm. I guess the best description would be dependant. Though she kinda just gave me a "what really? no" sort of face, akin to River from Firefly. She also seems to prefer being to my right. Iunno why. But yey co-dependancy *jazz hands*. Anyway. I've been trying to put words to her personality, and it's not... exact? Well, obviously. But still. She isn't cold, or blunt. But she's sort of no-nonsense, in a way that could be seen like that. It's a "she cares enough not to sugar-coat things" sort of no-nonsense. I really need to work on hearing her better, just not sure how. I've got a rough idea of her form, of which I still need to go through and do. I was waiting until I could do visualizatio better, but, not sure if I still want to. I've got to get into more of a habit with working on things daily, rather than just passively being with her. Though thinking that way could be causing problems, I'm not sure. I'll ask when we're nearing a quote-unquote complete state. I think I've managed to figure out when I'm puppeting her. That feeling when something happens, but your mind is all "lol no" and whatever it is seems to rubber band back into place. That happens sometimes. And I think that's me puppeting, because other times when she moves, that doesn't happen at all. Anyway, time to do life-things, and find a good time to bother the four about my problems. Quick note. While looking for a vocal guide thing, I ran across the whole sentience by asking tulpae to surprise you. I've been through it a time or two, heard other's talk about it. Made an off hand comment about "oh yeah, by the way, feek free to surprise me whenever." Not even after I had finished, I had a feeling (emotional image construct) of her hitting me over the head with something that felt like a cross between ACME hammer, and frying pan. I'm heading out soon, but just wanted to put in some last updates. I've realized that all but one of my past (failed) relationships have left significant marks on me; on my likes, at least. It's interesting. I wonder how Lilia'll change me. But that's not what I wanted to talk about because that's sad. I've managed to go 21 days without talking about lewd things, despite the random mentionings of it. And I feel as though those might be drawing to a close. I've been trying to keep Lilia away from any of my lewd thoughts, which has left me in a 'welp, can't think about that' state. Do note, that I'm not trying to hide it from her; rather I'm trying to keep her separate from it so that I don't (accidently or otherwise) try something. I want to wait until she's more fully developed (hah) to talk it over with her, and hear her thoughts and such. That said, she does seem to not be lewd. It doesn't seem to be a distaste, or a dislike though. More of a 'I don't want you doing that.' I can't help but feel that at some level, it might be jealousy. Welp, night. Day Twenty-Three Welp, pretty sure it's jealousy. Went out a lot today, got really giddy over some really old video games and a giant capacitor. Her presence, as in physical space of occupation, is getting easier to notice. She's also moving more, rather than teleporting. Anyway, as to the jealousy thing, it's a combination between her clinging to me all through Dishonored today, and various other vibes I've been getting. Going to attempt to force with Purlox's posting of Chess's ideas. See how that goes. I'll be glad that we'll have the house to ourselves tomorrow. Sing some, force some. Generally talk more. Back, forcing went meh. Ended up talking with her more than anything. But, for now. I would like to make a philosophical rant on the nature of Tulpae, and what they are. First, let me say that not everthing should be science. But on we go. I've had the chance to discuss things with many lovely people, Hosts and Tulpae alike. And, I've come to question the nature of humanity. Albatross brought up a point of Tulpae not being sentient because they were not self-aware. I disagree. The concept of being controlled by something outside of their envelope of influence, I suppose, does not mean they are not self-aware. What are we, the Hosts, if not controlled by things outside our grasp. If you believe in the purely scientific, we are naught but bio-chemical reactions taking place in a fatty tissue environment. The concept of free will an illusion, brought on by delusion. If we a complex bio-chemical computer, with free will, then why can't a second... operating system be created? Dual booting computers is not new. And it could be quite possible to run them at the same time. Consider for a moment the concept of Virtual Machines. Computers hosted within other computers. Why could it not be that the subconscious is a massive host computer, and we, the personas of the reality, virtual entities running on top of that framework. So much of our bodies are not controlled by us. Muscle Memory, Automation. Are those not things controlling us? Do you think to digest food? Process air? Recycle blood? No, our bodies do it for us, controlled outside of our personas. I digress. Many I've spoken with seem alike to anyone else I've spoken to. Glass, Tea, QContrary. All Tulpae, all people. Glass and Holly, both have... renewed my faith in sentient life? I've long considered humanity to be a virus, corrupting all society it touches. It may very well still be. But I have hope, again. And so I turn back to myself (and my giant ego) and consider. What makes me special? What is it that sets me apart from Tulpae? I was first. That's it. I know the physical, as they the mental. That's all. And now, I'm hungry. Also, I find it funny how I resist what feel like lewd feelings toward/from Lilia, and yet I so strongly encouraged Raetin to surrender to the same. I could sit and argue that it's different. His companions were all over him. They actively wanted to play. But, it's not really different. I just. Want to be able to have solid conversations with Lilia first. It's a personal thing of pride. Societal, I know. But. I am who I am, and if I was not, I would be no more. Lilia's a really sweet darling, and I love having her by my side all the time. I just wonder when I'll get over my doubts and help more. They come less and less. A good thing I suppose. But then, do the insane ever know it? Would I want to? Honestly, given the choice between a firm grasp on sanity, and the reassuring weight of Lilia's hand on my shoulder, I'd choose her, every time. I've passed that point, of caring. A long time ago. It's not that people are over-rated. Well. Some humans are. Other's not. But they're... boring? Average. Vanilla. They're contentment. They feel of settling. Of accepting that is what is. Not what could be. yay more things. If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and heartbeats.
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