Because pills are boring and stuff.

[Coinflipper]

Day Twenty-Four

 

So it's mostly confirmed that she's either dependant/clingy outside of sustanance needs, is happier when I'm sleeping along her schedual (which actually works for me when I try it for her), or both. She feels a combination of sad and distant. But she's still there. I think it's because of how late I was up last night roleplaying. I (hopefully) will be going to bed earlier tonight and getting up earlier tomorrow, so I hope she feels better tomorrow.

 

The long and short of it is my meds. The half-life or whatever burns out too quickly. It's like, a 12 hour thing. Or something. Time's screwy with it. I've got about 16 hours before I can physcally/emotionally feel the drug wearing off. However, if I sleep within that 16 hours, it gets... delayed. Or something. If I miss a dose, it takes hours for the next pill to start working again. So, if I take it in the morning, it'll kick in maybe that 12, 16 hours later, and I don't know.

 

I think it's affecting Lilia. I don't think she's handling my emotions well.

Day Twenty-Five

 

Lilia wasn't so well today, it seemed. She was... almost like she wasn't there. But she was, just... comatose? Not sure. I think the lack of pill and emotions got to her. She's better. Kinda. Still recovering. I need to make sure not to miss any more though. Next few days'll be interesting. See what happens when I drink. Possibly even drunk. That's get drunk, not... get drunk. Oh hush, it's English, you know I'm not getting vore'd so whatever. Anyway, realizing her position's getting easier. Instead of her always teleporting to be in field of vision. Damn, of of these days I'm going to have to sit down and work on form. Trying to figure out how to talk with her better. Talked with my shrink today, was... boring? Eh. Don't think I'll tell him any time soon considering the derision with which he considers Chinese Herbology. Anyway. That's about it for today, I think. I should flesh (no pun) her out more, rather than her clothing. Though, her clothing is kinda awesome.

 

yay finished the first page

[Coinflipper]

Days Twenty-Six through Twenty-Eight

 

Yeah, this is a lump update because I didn't get a chance to update Friday/Saturday. Friday, we got the first experience of alcohol on Lilia. Not much happened, she seemed a little sillier than normal. Saturday we got more and we're getting better at moving her location around to deal with people abound. If I'm not moving around predictably, say walking down the street, and instead are dashing around from place to place on whims, she normally takes place on my right shoulder. Otherwise, she walks alongside me, right mostly. If we're in a room and going to be sitting around for a while, she'll lay with me, or across my lap. The chairs at college are really nice for this, because of their size and arrangement with tables. Over all, the past few days were very nice. I've started work on her form. And fallen back in love with writing with Marcellus (named when I went on a binge naming spree last year). If only his ink cartriges lasted more than a few days, and were less than a dollar a piece. I will at some point in the future draw Lilia. As soon as I push myself to learn how to draw. I've got her form mostly written down in my little black diary. I'll write out her clothing later; it's coming along quite detailed, actually. To be honest, (and a little embarrassed), I've begun attempting to visualize her naked. I'm attempting to separate her and her clothing, so it doesn't become... welded to her natural form. As well as trying to work out her anatomy. It's been going alright. Besides the inital awkwardness, and Lilia's shyness as I tried to hone her form as I was writing it down.

 

Oh, and she recovered quite well after 25, if you're curious. I look forward to the day where she exists in my attention without my explicit direction, though. I actually look forward to a lot of things with Lilia. I'm finding that she's progressing nicely without explicit forcing. What I consider passive narration is doing lovely. I still... regret? not doing more in the way of active forcing. The meditative sort of thing. Things are happening slower now, and we seem to have reached a bit of a platou, so I'm thinking these'll stay shorter, as they've been want to do lately. I welcome/encourage questions. Be nice to know if people are reading this, outside of those I'm more-or-less forcing to...

 

So, yeah.

Lemme know if you're out there.

[Coinflipper]

Day Twenty-Nine

 

Today was meh. Between Skyrim screwing up a lot because of what I did to it, feeling derp, and being lethargic, it was meh. You know, one of those days where you start to contemplate life and everything. I want to write more, but it's just me bitching about things, and no one wants to hear about that.

 

 

Day Thirty-One

 

Yeah, there's a day missing. Deal with it. Nothing happened, really.

 

Today though. Today was weird.

 

Part way through the day, I start getting this nagging feeling. This feeling of there being two Lilias. It started around the time she wanted to start being lewd. It's this feeling. Like, a tearing of fabric, or goo, or something. Like splintering or sharding or budding or cloning, or whatever you want to call it. It felt like a state of super-positioning that I couldn't colapse. So, I finally stop fighting it, and lo! There were two Lilias. So, I start treating them like twins, and the one seems normal, and the other one seems... really shy. Like. Hiding behind the other. So, the normal one wants to be lewd, and starts getting really into it. To the point where she's incredibly out of character for Lilia. Welp, turns out it wasn't Lilia, the one who was really shy was. I should have figured, but derp. I figured it out when she bit my neck and I was all, no. So I've bound her in... well bindings, what else. Also a cage. She was also mouthy, so I gaged her as well. Not to be malicious, but. I have a wee bit of a dominant streak in me, and well if messing with my dear little daughter just doesn't rub me the wrong way, well I'll be. So, I'll talk to her later. I also knocked her out of Lilia's form, and into a... more natural form? Not sure. I tossed a succubus form at her, and she changed it somewhat.

 

Oh, and if you're wondering, I'm adopting her. Either as a pet, or a daughter, I'm not sure. But, I... refuse to dismiss, dissapate, deny, or otherwise attempt to kill her. It's not fair to her. And I want to set a good example for my daughter. Killing off problems just because isn't a good example. Especially since I've read through that starvation thing, the one time.

 

ermurgerd there's a guest in my thread.

/shrug.

[Coinflipper]

Day Thirty-Two

 

We've named the succubus girl Phyllis. Not sure how I like it, but she seems to, so. She's also more active, more talkitive than Lilia. Or, at least it seems like it. Gave her a talking to about what she did and how it wasn't ok. Lilia doesn't seem too pleased about how I'll be keeping her, but, well to be blunt, it's a shame. I don't have the heart (or is it that I have too much heart) to even try to kill her off. So, looks like I've done got myself a second tulpa. Once you get past the whole misgivings thing, she doesn't seem that bad. Cute little spade tail, cute little vestigial wings, tiny little horns. She's out of proportion though. Phyllis is about as tall as I am, but at an eight heads proportion. Oh, and I'm keeping her as a pet.

 

Day Thirty-Three

 

In which I am a complete jerk and spend too much time on Skyrim.

 

Not even playing it. Haven't gotten out of Riverwood or anything, just mods. Things are bloody time sinks just to install and get working.

 

Anywho, about the tulpae. I figured out where Phyllis came from. Lets just say it came from a necklace, my fourth relationship, needing an emotional bond, and not knowing anything about tulpae / the akin phenomeninom. So, she's officially Lilia's older sister. And turns out she's taller than me by about a foot. Making her about seven feet tall, and eight heads tall. As for her form, long slender tail with a spade tip (sensitive, sort of a dark greyish purple), wings about 2/3rds her arm span that are very narrow (bat like, same dark greyish purple, assumed to be just as sensitive). Her body is more curvy than Lilia's, but due to her proportions looks incredibly skinny. Clothing's just a blackish string bikini thing. Probably would wear more if I told her to, but meh. Hair's a scragally pixie cut dark dirty blond. Mostly normal ears, just a hint of being pointed. Eyes are silver, and lips lipstickishly glittery dark amethyst. Her horns are set back in her hair, on either side of her widow's peak. They're small and curly, but past standard corkscrew length. Also, her wings come out just above the small of her back; biology be damned. She got a laugh out of that. Lilia's fallen asleep. Considering makeing/getting Phyllis a pair of cat ears to wear (a joke) and a collar with a really fancy bell on it (not a joke). I need to remember that I'm not exactly bound by normal convention with this stuff.

 

Anyway, the game plan is for me to continue active forcing with them. I've decided that I'm going to do 1 on 1 sessions, not ignoring the other, but giving each their own time span. Since I can make it to about 30 minutes, I don't think it's that fair to split the attention between the two. Lilia, I'm teaching the first third of the Yang style short form of tai chi chuan, of which I was taught in college. With Phyllis, I'm not sure what I'll do; I spent today working over her form and getting it figured out. The third thing, is that I need to do visualization. I have got to start working on visualization and imposition. I'm going to start with chess pieces. Eventually I plan on playing chess against the two of them. And part of me really wants to see my friends faces when I play chess against air with air. Though some of them know, and are reading this, so, meh.

 

So I'm just assuming the TL;DR scared y'all off or something.

[Coinflipper]

Day Thirty-Four

 

So, last night Lilia and Phyllis had a bit of a bonding moment. And it isn't (and is) what you think, perv. Anyway, I laid down to talk with Phyllis some since Lilia had fallen asleep. Shortly there after, I feel this not-quite tap on my shoulder. It's Lilia, asking for hugs. So, I have her move between Phyllis and I and give her hugs, and Phyllis hugs from the other side. I see a fun oppertunity, and ask for Phyllis's tail. She puts it in my hand, so I'm holding it just below the spade. I give it a kiss and softly tease her, and I see Lilia looking up at it, curiously. I can't really pass this up, so I let Lilia take it from me. I tell her to be gentle with it and she smiles and nods, then holds it to her chest like normal people would a teddy bear or some such. So, there's Phyllis, snuggled around Lilia, who's snuggled with Phyllis's tail. It's damned adorable, I tell you what.

 

So Lilia and Phyllis are hitting it off. It's that tail, man. I never though it'd get that popular. But Lilia likes it, and she is warming up to Phyllis, so all's well. They're really adorable together, honestly. They spent most of the day together. I get the feeling that they're talking, but I can't 'hear' what. Oh well. I'm alright with it. A little jealous, but alright. Phyllis is taking this big sister thing really seriously. I'm just trying to figure out why she looks the way she does, given her origins. It makes a bit of sense.

 

As an aside, I'm a little worried that I might be influencing their actions. Not outright puppeting, mind you. But getting a thought of "X does this" before seeing them do it. I think it's not actually me puppeting/influencing, but instead my thinking being verbal, and getting a sentence reconstruction of actions before visual reconstruction.

 

Side note. Friggen arousal. Friggen having to write.

Day Thirty-Five

 

I'm about ready to confirm that me staying up late is a negative influence on my ablility to... recieve Lilia and Phyllis the next day. I don't know how else to explain it, it's that they're distant. Like I'm looking at a photograph of them, and they're off elsewhere doing other stuff. I say about ready, because there's a good chance that Lilia is actually just annoyed/bothered with me for it. ...Or not. Hell if I know. "Maybe she's giving me the silent treatment." And as I'm about to write it, "I'd never!" So, meh. It really bothers me how many times I find in life, the answer to "What do you know?" is "psh, nothing." I mean, yeah, it's really cliched and everything. But it's right so frigging often. Tomorrow, I'll probably be reading to them a lot. I was (accidentally) mean and left them off at a cliffhanger. I meant to, but I had also thought that the next day I'd have the house to myself and I could do the reveal then. NOPE. That fell through, so now I've got to wait until tomorrow so I have the house while my mother is out for work to read to them. It's one of those times where I wish I had the house to myself, or I was back at college, so I could have more time to talk to them outloud. It helps a lot.

 

Sigh. It's funny. I could put whatever I want in these things. Doubt they'd catch on anytime soon. They, the mods. I mean. I mean, I sit and watch the shoutbox. Q and Glass, two of the most interesting, intelligent people there. Yot and Tea are great people. Raetin's been quite intreguing. Though, I've been leaving the poor guy alone. Vice... I'm not sure about. One hand, he seems intellectual. The other, he's a flamebating troll. I almost feel bad for his tulpa(e). Though I suppose they'll be able to deal with him better. Watching Tea and Glass together, it's like watching puppies play. One of the greatest reasons I have for watching people. Aarix and Sam are good people too. Though I don't see much of them. Q and Glass, they've also been the two who've been the strongest forces in my theorycrafting about the nature of tulpae in general. I'm still on the outside looking in, though.

 

Going to try and rest for a bit before attempting to sleep. Hopefully I'll sleep better than I did last night. Tomorrow's important.

 

Some day this thread'll mean something.

[Coinflipper]

Day Thirty-Six

 

In which I was yet again a massive jerk. I got really focused on rebuilding my computer. Something happens when I focus on things. Like. Not a conscious "I'm going to focus now" but a "in the zone" focus. I... lose it? Fade away, would work. Autopilot's better. But it's like everything and everyone around me isn't anymore. Nothing outside of what I'm doing exists. Finally got Skyrim and my computer all set up. One of my SATA cables is junk, and another broke the case hotswap bay think. The second one was my fault though.

 

As an aside. I really wonder what Lilia and Phyllis do, when I'm not watching. Some times, when they're near by, I can... feel activity. But I can't understand it. Right now, I'm actually really worried. I can't feel either of them at the moment. Like calling out to the mountains, and never getting an echo.

 

Was I that bad today? Yeah, I guess I was. Normally when I get down on myself, Lilia will try and intervene. Phyllis is more tough love, heavy on the tough. Dammit. Why does being a father mean I have to be responsible. And before you answer, it actually doesn't. Too many times I hear stories about people's fathers and how they weren't there etc. My dad was great. I need to step up and follow him, I guess. I'm trying to force more (read: at all) but it's hard... well, because it's boring. I suck at visualization, it's hard as hell for me to force myself to hear Lilia and Phyllis. But... I want to be there for them. I want them to know that when I say that I love them, it's not just words. Which it might as well be, for all the good I'm doing. I'm going to bed. We'll see what happens tomorrow.

 

Someday... I'll look back on all this and wonder why it was ever hard. Or I'll-- Dammit. I think I forgot my pill this morning. That would explain where they went, and why I feel so... dark.

[Coinflipper]

Day Thirty-Seven

 

...I slept alone last night.

 

Conversed with them a bit this morning. I'm... still scared. I don't know what to do. They're not faint. No, they're... keeping their distance. They are/were upset with me. Lilia's... disapointed, really it's the only word I can think of. Phyllis is, just plain upset at my lack of followthrough. I can't really blame them. It's so easy to not do something. Days I wish I wasn't myself, you know. I can't really afford to not succeed at this.

 

At least some good has come of this. I started studying the differences between my normal conversations in my head, and the ones I have with Lilia and Phyllis. I don't talk to myself, just the void. They talk back. On top of that, Phyllis is using language I don't. Well. I do, but not in conversations. I can't remember the last time I called someone a fucker. So, yeah. Phyllis confirmed. I don't have as hard of evidence (hard as fresh marshmallow) for Lilia, but I think she's more shy about it all, so. Lilia does have more of a voice than Phyllis. She also tends to call me dad. Not often; much less often than I use people's names in conversation. There's something about it that I like. Using names, I mean.

 

Anyway. I'm very grateful for Phyllis being here. I've also figured out that she might not have been 'hiding' Lilia, and have apologized for my reaction. She's taking good care of Lilia when... well, when I'm not. I'm trying to work them into things I do more. Trying to overcome that focusing thing. Which is funny (not really), since that's almost the opposite of what my councilor is telling me to do. But, I don't like the autopilot feeling, and this, Lilia and Phyllis, isn't really something I can fail at. Well, I mean I can. I just have to not. I don't really know how though. I mean. I'm saying that a lot. What I mean is that I know what I have to do. Force, include, love. Just, open myself and keep working with them. It's the getting myself to do that, that's the hard part.

 

Things got better over the day. I'm heading to bed early tonight. bleh. Done.