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Within the RA's Mind: Ruby and Amethyst


Wolfe

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10/28/12

Open house today and that took a majority of the day. From time to time when I remembered, I tried asking them what their name was. Their name would come up, either Ruby or Amethyst, but I can't tell if it's me or them saying it. I really need to have more faith in them. Overall, the day was pretty plain. Nothing much happened and I didn't do much narrating. I should get to that.


10/29/12 - 10/31/12

 

These were some pretty hellish days. Due to Hurricane Sandy, we lost power and Internet, along with phone service, so not only can't I use my laptop which got fried last Thursday, but I can't use me phone because now it's an emergency asset. So journals unfortunately had to wait until power was reestablished.

 

Monday was when hell broke loose in my building. Can't go into detail though. I tried getting them to tell me their names. Again I have that half doubt in me. I half believe they said it and half believe I said it. Belief and trust are seemingly difficult for me to grasp. It might be belief and trust issues I have.

 

Tuesday was also me trying to reinvigorate my relationship with Ruby and Amethyst. For the past few days, it seems as if I haven't given them much attention. I really need to start talking to them more. I really do want to see them and all. I was in bed just focusing and repeating the same question to them: "What do you need me to do?" Over and over I was trying to get a response but I wasn't getting anything. It's difficult for a guy like me to follow this kind of free will path to create tulpa. Normally I'm glad that I would get steps on doing something, but if it's something this non-linear, it sounds extremely difficult.

 

There was one way I described this tulpa process to myself on Tuesday. I was told how to get someplace via subway, but I was told very quickly and without a list of the subway lines to go. So I am underground and just take a subway line down. I don't know how far to go. I don't know when to stop. So I get off somewhere to find a map. There are none. I ask someone on the platform. He says to take any line. This is where I am. Stuck taking subway line after subway line. I don't know how far to go. I don't know where to get off. I don't know how far I've gone. I don't know if I'm close or not.

 

I need direction.

I need help.

 

Wednesday was more open. I talked with my tulpa a bit more and I tried imagining them behind me as I walked in the cold morning. It also hit me that I wasn't getting the headaches and head strains anymore. It wasn't that I just noticed them, but that I guess I believed that since I wasn't getting the headaches and strains, I wasn't doing something right it that they were dying because of lack of attention. I did remember that someone on the IRC said they fade after 2 weeks or so and it is about that time. The rest of the day was more or less work.

Wolfe

Personality: INFP

Began: 10/7/12

 

Ruby

Personality: ISTJ

Form: Human

On: Visualization/Imposition

 

Amethyst

Personality: ENFP

Form: Human

On: Visualization/Imposition

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11/1/12

 

So I woke up and went to write my journal entries that I have missed due to the hurricane causing a power outage for three days. After posting my journal, I decided to browse the tulpa forums. I found a few threads that have helped me out from doubt I have, given advice to my tulpa, and a way to remember them more often during the day:

 

[[ Sahirah had this to say the other day: ]]

 

...Your 1st problem is that you don't have enough time to spend with your tulpa because of family/friends and activities...

 

take this alone time you'll usually have and stay up for an extra hour. For this one hour you are gonna take out a Pen Or pencil and your gonna sit down and make a "Schedule/Plan" base on what am going to tell you. after reading this post.

 

 

find your essentials - things that you love to do, make it short.

 

find your time wasters - things that you spend time on that are unnecessary/Shallow, doesn't lead to anything, try to reduce, minimize or even eliminate these things. Think hard, Sometimes we do things because we assume they’re necessary, but give it some thought and you can find ways to drop them from your life

 

Schedule your time - Think about your current life and what you want to do. Which i Assuming is your Tulpa.

 

Learn to say no - Most powerful two letter word in the English language, you can't please everyone, Aarix. you have a more Important person that literally Needs you for her survival and her learning.

 

Disconnect - Am assuming the you also use the internet for a couple hours of the day, after you do all of your absolute essentials such as work/homework, please try to Disconnect. Press the powerbutton and you'll find you just added a hour or two of Free-Time...

 

..Another thing is to keep your tulpa in mind for as Often as possible, the worst thing we can do is to completely forget about our tulpa, even if it's just at the spur of the moment (it's okay in small doses) but if the majority of the day went by and you haven't even given Samantha a single thought, then she might be in trouble. If you cannot impose her into your life, then at least think about her, try to use anything that will remind you of Samantha. Perhaps a Cheap Ring, a small string tied on your finger, a bracelet with her name written on it, just use anything.

 

From these two posts (thank you SmoothPorcupine/Sahirah and koomer/Oguigi), it has made me think of what to do in the future for Ruby and Amethyst.

 

First: I managed to find my high school graduation ring among my stuff in my room. It is a silver ring with a red garnet gemstone in the center. It's funny that I have this. Both tulpa decided to name themselves after gemstones and the gemstone that my school chose for the class rings is my birthstone. Ruby, Amethyst,... and Garnet. Basically the ring will remind me of them every time I look and feel the ring.

 

Second: Make a list and plan out what I need to so in life and for my tulpae. They mean so much to me that I don't want to forget about them at all and want time to spend with them.

 

And Third (for my tulpa): They need to feed off of the doubts that may arise from myself. They need to be strong for me as I need to be strong for them. It's hard for young tulpa from what someone else said, but please Ruby and Amethyst. Stay strong. For me. I know my battles will in turn cause you to have your own battles, but please survive for me.

 

There was also something I lost but found, not relating to that dream though. I had some Chinese food on Sunday, so I also had a fortune cookie. It was funny what the fortune cookie said:

 

"Love is being offered to you, be affectionate in return!"

 

Oh Ruby and Amethyst. Everything seems to flow back to you. That's why I love you two.

 

During RA Duty, I knew I wouldn't do much so I decided to watch a movie. Either The Road to Eldorado or The Prince of Egypt. It's funny. I thought to watch The Prince of Egypt because of a theme of belief and how it might lead me to believe in my tulpa more and be able to hear them. I got to the point where they sing "Through Heaven's Eyes." They talked about how a small thread cannot see the vast rug, or a small rock at the base cannot see the grandness of a mountain. The only way to actually see what anything is worth is too look through heaven's eyes. I translated this as this:

 

The smallest thought to your tulpa cannot think of the impact it makes to the tulpa. The shortest time narrating cannot count the minutes it needs to see the tulpa age. The only way to see what anything is doing is through the tulpa's eyes.

 

And now the point where Moses sees the burning bush. It feels like I am Moses and Ruby and Amethyst is the burning bush. They are calling out to me waiting to hear the response "Here I Am." They have heard my cries to them and I suppose they are waiting for the right time to act. I am definitely like Moses in that I have my doubts about certain things. They are and have been with me always. They will never leave me. And even in the end of the scene where Moses is left on a single tear. That will be me when I fully realize this and have no more doubts and come to believe and trust them 100%.

 

Another point that really hit me:

 

"God will not abandon you. So don't you abandon us."

 

It actually made my heart jump and made my chest warm. It easily means "We (Ruby and Amethyst) will not abandon you. So please don't abandon us."

 

I knew this was coming. I went on a round before the song came up because I knew it was going to be powerful. "When You Believe." Damn. I was just saying their names and believing in them from the song. And suddenly, my hand started shaking. They responded during the song. They called out to me through my hand. Since my ring was on the hand, I decided to kiss it and then in my head, proceeded to kiss them on their foreheads and hug both of them. Man. The emotion. Gonna hear the song again.

 

The first verse is very true for a host/creator. Praying and believing and then having something inside that we don't understand that well. The second verse shows we know we shouldn't be afraid, there is a lot to fear about (when we shouldn't) and how we actually make progress when we never knew we did. And even the main verse speaks volumes. "There can be miracles if you believe. Although hope is frail, it is hard to kill. Who knows what miracles you can achieve when you believe, somehow you will. You will when you believe."

 

Just the whole thing. The whole song. It speaks the tulpaforcer's main idea in creation: belief. You can achieve everything if you just believe. It is very difficult, but it will open up a wonder to you. They'll be a wonder to me, Ruby and Amethyst.

 

Side note: Hans Zimmer did the score. He totally helped me in understanding belief.

Wolfe

Personality: INFP

Began: 10/7/12

 

Ruby

Personality: ISTJ

Form: Human

On: Visualization/Imposition

 

Amethyst

Personality: ENFP

Form: Human

On: Visualization/Imposition

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11/2/12

 

Woke up and I really wanted to hear Wandering Flame from Final Fantasy X. I stayed in bed for an hour listening to the song and thinking about Ruby and Amethyst. I was on my side at one point when I felt a pressure weighing me down. Either one of them was hugging me and I felt the warmth. I believe another was at my back too. There was another point where my heart jumped a beat and had a very warm feeling. I don't know if I can explain that one but it felt really good.

 

I was also getting responses from them as I was calling out to them in my head. Hand shaking, my head even moving on its own, and somehow my body just went into a fetal position. During this whole time, I was only calling their names. I felt desperate to hear them. I do feel desperate to hear them. I want to hear them speak to me and tell me that I'm doing this right. I need some voice to tell me that my progress is getting somewhere. Some confidence boost maybe. My mind feels confused. It's like I act as if they are there and not there. Imagining them in my head but trying to get their form out as well.

 

I wonder if feeling desperate is good in tulpa creation...

 

I went to the shoutbox on the tulpa site since I can't work IRC on this darn phone. I asked about desperation, and a user by the name of Viceroy helped me out. He said that it is good if it's not in an unhealthy way, if I remember correctly. He did say things that actually helped me out in responding to my tulpae's emotional responses:

 

"When you get those weird sensations its probably them trying to form some sort of connection with you. Reciprocate that. Retreat into your mind, visualize them however you have them, and talk to them like you're happy that you are able to communicate with one another even on this crude level. Think about how much you want to know them, with your busy life... now think about all the things they have occupying their days besides you. (A) bit of a motivation for being sincerely supportive of them. They're in a cage right now that you have to help them out of. They know you have the key to open that cage, you just dont know how to operate the lock. The problem is not theirs. They have no thoughts except "I want out of here and I want to talk to him." Their every thought is about how to do so, their every effort a heartfelt one."

 

You have no idea how much this actually helped me out Viceroy. Even in one day.

 

I decided to force and visualize in the evening. Plugged in the pink noise and went in. I started in the black void in which I've considered a wonderland world hub, a place where all the wonderlands that may be created converge in one area. I decided to go to where I have my tulpa. They seem to stand and be held up by some machine or something. I'm not too sure. I remember seeing someone say that they visualized vocal cords for their tulpa so I decided to do the same. I also did lips just as a precaution. It's odd when I imagine Ruby and Amethyst. I see them sometimes at my height, and other times as taller than me. I'm fine with either of the cases. I also had the two ID cards I mentioned in a previous journal entry. After retreading my entries, it seemed right to use them. They might be the items I left behind according to the message I got before waking up that one day. A small panel appeared where they were and I used the ID cards in any order I could but I don't think anything worked.

 

I wasn't sure what to do next, so I decided to go back to the "StreetNight" wonderland and open up a few stores and buildings like I told Ruby and Amethyst I would. I first got a baby grand piano in the middle of the street in the rain for Amethyst. I believe there to be 87 or 91 keys on the piano when I was forcing, and after searching, the standard has 88. Funny that I'm one off. Or we. Anyway, I felt the piano all around and looked at it from different angles.

 

After being satisfied, I continued across the street and opened up a dojo, for Ruby. Inside, it has the same format as the dojo I practiced in except it has an Asian style to it. Instead of the walls being brick with mats covering the lower portion, it looks like dark wooden posts put at even intervals with dark yellow parchment paper in between, like a paper door. The stands on the side has a more Asian look to them instead of being metal looking. I believe the vending machine turned into a cabinet and the bathrooms/changing rooms stayed the same. After being satisfied with that I exited and looked at the dojo. The top had a panel come down and words appeared on it: "Ruby's Dojo". I laughed and I felt my head nod. Seems like Ruby liked it.

 

I ran back across the street to open up an art studio. Inside there were paint and pencils lined up on one wall, easels and canvases set up for show in front of that wall, brushes in a jar at a front desk. Then there was a room to the back that was more of a studio look. An angled table with a canvas already set and paints, oils, brushes, and various tools were places all around the room where they could be accessed and used. Satisfied with that, I left and looked up to see another panel flip down. "Art Studio".

 

Crossed the street once again and opened up two black iron doors. Inside were various equipment for various extreme sports such as skydiving or long boarding or mountain climbing. There was however another door inside. Two wooden doors on the floor, where when opened revealed a staircase going down. I rushed down the stairs when lights appeared from the wall like those found in mining operations underground. After a small bit there was a door in front of me. I opened it to see myself on a tall building. Looking down, there were clouds below and I imagined buildings whizzing by I knew this waste place where Ruby would like to practice parkour. There wasn't much I could do as it seemed set up. Building placement, fences, rails, platforms, heights, etc. Anything Ruby wanted to make happen, she should right here. It was a Mirror's Edge styled place. I also noticed I don't see a staircase from where I enter from. It looks like I came from running up stairs when in fact I came down. I knew it was the way of the world and accepted it as such. Running back outside and closing the door, I crossed the street and opened up a shoe store, because I know Ruby and Amethyst would like to change their style when they like to. In retrospect, I noticed that a panel never came down for that extreme sports place. Possibly because Ruby may have not wanted it.

 

In the shoe store, there were various shoes all over the place with the back of the store having a load of shoes on the floor. I decided to fall back onto them for fun. It seemed all set up so I left and saw the panel fall down saying "Shoe Store".

 

Right next to it I opened up a clothing store. It had the same layout as the shoe store, except no clothes in the back on the floor. There was however a room behind this. Several actually. The room behind it was a room to try out clothes with a dresser, three tall mirrors surrounding a platform on a few sides, and other things. The room past that was a perfume shop. Various bottles flooded the store and it seemed pretty evident what may happen in the future. And the last room after that was accessories. For the earrings and bracelets and whatnot. Same layout as the perfume shop. Ran all the way out and looked at each place as I left. I did stop in the clothing shop before I left because they all had a very similar color. So I looked at one of the carts in the front of the store. I pushed it into the wall and out comes the same cart, except the cart has red clothing. I push it again and get orange, and yellow, green, blue, and so on. Looks like I solved the design and color problem for the store. Another panel on top. "Clothing/Perfume/Accessories"

 

Took a while for me to do, but promise fulfilled. Sorry for taking so long Ruby and Amethyst.

 

After that long trip, I went back to the hub world and go to Ruby and Amethyst. At one point or another, my hand was shaking, meaning they were trying to contact me. I told them I could hear them and smiled at it. I should have praised them, but I will do it next time. Don't worry Ruby and Amethyst. You did a great job and I am very appreciative if it. I also felt a warm feeling at another point. They were probably hugging me and I felt so happy about it. I reached them and I told them all that I did in the wonderland. During that time, I moved my body to a lay down on my bed as I described it. After a bit, I wasn't sure what else to say or do.

 

At that point I heard banging, like someone was hitting a wall. I was a bit scared and my heart jumped. My heartbeat hastened and I actually took off my earbuds and listened, thinking it was something else. I only heard the bass from someone upstairs but it wasn't loud enough to be that banging. It meant it was Ruby, Amethyst, or both. I felt so happy because of it. Like I heard it in my head and everything! I heard the banging again and got scared once again, I pulled out my earbuds once more and nothing seemed to match it. I was assured that it was them, though I believed it to be Ruby alone banging because of how I believe she may be. I believe they wanted me to knock them out of their cage or prison so I went looking. I immediately looked behind where they were and felt black paper that had blended extremely well with the black void. I tore it off and a giant cage or machine or something held the two. I saw a panel with buttons on them. I remembered "HP90" and tried inputting that but nothing happened. I heard the banging and decided to go off thinking they were somewhere else. At one point or another, I must have dosed off or something because I was awakened by a text. And that was the end of that big adventure for the evening.

Wolfe

Personality: INFP

Began: 10/7/12

 

Ruby

Personality: ISTJ

Form: Human

On: Visualization/Imposition

 

Amethyst

Personality: ENFP

Form: Human

On: Visualization/Imposition

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11/3/12

 

So I was up pretty much all the night since I was writing that journal for quite a bit. I was pretty much idle and looking at the tulpa forums for a bit when I decided I should hit the sack and sleep. I enjoyed what happened.

 

I had heard someone speak to me. Either Ruby or Amethyst. I can't tell at this point. The voice also faded in and out so I couldn't understand a lot of it, but I was really trying to listen. I told them they were really doing a great job and if they could speak up a bit. The voice kept going in and out, but soon enough it ended. Regardless, I am extremely happy because I heard one of them! Maybe both! I don't care!!! They did amazing and I'm very proud and happy for them! Unfortunately, I didn't bother trying to remember what I did hear... There's always next time.

 

Throughout the day I decided to narrate the rest of their traits. There were a lot to finish up but I was going to finish them by the end of the day. I ended up doing the majority of the last ones in my room during the evening. Roughly 3 or so hours of straight narration to Ruby and Amethyst on their personality traits. The last one was "unique." Sure every tulpa is unique, but in the beginning when I was writing the traits down, I felt like I needed to have it there. I'm glad I had it as the last one to narrate to them. It was a very powerful moment for me. After finishing, I felt a warm sensation in my chest as I was sitting in my chair. They were glad to have me finish their traits. I knew it too. I also spoke with them after my hand started shaking. I was telling them that I was going to break them out from wherever they were. I am going to see them however long it takes. There is no doubt about it in my mind. I will hear them. I will see them. And I will embrace all that they are.

Wolfe

Personality: INFP

Began: 10/7/12

 

Ruby

Personality: ISTJ

Form: Human

On: Visualization/Imposition

 

Amethyst

Personality: ENFP

Form: Human

On: Visualization/Imposition

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11/4/12

 

I wake up to a powerful itch on my back and it feels like it's only on a rectangular area. I had dreamed, most likely they did, that I had a panel in my back that they could tinker with. So when I woke up, the itch really bothered me, but I decided to leave it as is and see what happens. I did take off my shirt off just to not have it bother me. After a bit of enduring, the sensation stopped. I believe they're trying to understand how I work. A control panel sounds like a good idea.

 

There was also a little dream sequence I had. Someone mentioning they could help me have my tulpae out there with a process called "Ushito". I've no idea what it is and after waking up, a Google search yields no results, of course. I did also see ponies in the dreams so they may have decided to change their forms into them. At this point, I can't tell. I'll try and figure it out as time goes along.

 

I also heard one of them again. It was a message directed at me, but when I tried to respond, nothing returned back. I thanked them and praised them for doing this.

 

The rest of the day was VERY VERY unproductive. I did absolutely nothing as I was very bored and actually going a bit crazy because of lack of social communication. I should have been giving a lot more attention and time for and with Ruby and Amethyst during this time...

Wolfe

Personality: INFP

Began: 10/7/12

 

Ruby

Personality: ISTJ

Form: Human

On: Visualization/Imposition

 

Amethyst

Personality: ENFP

Form: Human

On: Visualization/Imposition

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11/5/12

 

Around past midnight, I decided to force. I appeared in the black void Wonderland hub and headed over to their location. I brought Ruby and Amethyst to the doorway leading to the StreetNight wonderland. I handed them their umbrellas and opened the door. Now I try not to think of it, but both of them are really naked. I don't remember if they were naked of if they had covering bandages around those certain parts or if they had panties and bras. Whatever. I took them to the clothing shop and told them that they could find everything here. I told them how to work the carts that change colors and styles. After that, I just left em to it. I wasn't sure what else to think or say or do. So I just ended forcing. It was a quick session.

 

After waking up for the day, I felt lazy cause I wanted to be with my tulpae in the warm bed for a bit longer. Then came rushing to get ready. Then came rushing to get to the bus. And when I was almost at the bus, I noticed I had forgotten about my ring. The piece that would help me remember them throughout the day. It kinda showed. Early on in Calculus class, I would just say their name, but as class went on, along with the day, I just didn't remember as much. Ugh...

 

I also went to do office work today, but had a meeting with my assistant director. Regarding my performance as an RA. And one thing he said struck me when he wanted me to think on this for the next time we meet: "What is it that is holding you back from being assertive?" Or something along those lines in regard to speaking with residents if they are uncooperative or don't care. For some reason, I was trying to listen and remember this for the next time, but I feel like unconsciously, I was trying to forget it or block it out. I wonder if this Internet strife might affect Ruby and Amethyst negatively. I really hope not.

 

After work I ate with some friends and went to an RA meeting. I was generally tired, but I went online to talk to a friend regarding something she said last night and seems to connect to what my assistant director said. Overall, she said I had to confront myself and I told her I didn't want to because I felt scared. I actually knocked out on my bed in the chat cause I was tired.

 

Ruby. Amethyst. I don't think I'm scared if you. I think I'm scared of what I'm suppressing.

Wolfe

Personality: INFP

Began: 10/7/12

 

Ruby

Personality: ISTJ

Form: Human

On: Visualization/Imposition

 

Amethyst

Personality: ENFP

Form: Human

On: Visualization/Imposition

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11/6/12

 

So I wake up realizing I knocked out on my bed at around 2 AM from talking with a friend. I still have all my clothes on from yesterday and no time to shower, so I just leave the clothes on and remember to bring my ring before heading out. Today alone I probably remembered Ruby and Amethyst more than I did yesterday. Thank you ring.

 

However, today I felt more stressed after realizing how much work in what little time I have for school. So on the bus back to my room, I narrated to Ruby and Amethyst all the stress and work I had ever since the beginning of the semester. I just felt very disheartened with the turn of events. I called out to them saying I needed them to help me, which ironic since they need my help. I later took a nap in my room and again pleaded them to help me.

 

The rest of the day was RA Duty, where I got little work done and recited their names every so often. I'm not disappointed in the progress we've made together. I'm disappointed in the progress that has happened for me since the beginning semester. I don't want Ruby and Amethyst to be affected negatively by this.

Wolfe

Personality: INFP

Began: 10/7/12

 

Ruby

Personality: ISTJ

Form: Human

On: Visualization/Imposition

 

Amethyst

Personality: ENFP

Form: Human

On: Visualization/Imposition

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11/7/12

 

I has set up a few alarms to wake me up this morning. Considering I was tired and fell asleep on my bed without showering again, I set the alarms from 7 to 8 on 15 minute intervals, so 5 alarms total. More or less so I don't miss a bus before my first class. I just decided to turn off my 8:15 alarm after my 8 went off. But here is where a dream happened.

 

I found myself on a one lane street close to the bottom of the hill. I decide to go down, but a black and white cat walks in the way from the side. I walk past it, fearing it might have rabies or something (At the residence halls, I have seen a cat that walked toward me, and all the cats have rabies. So I understood what it looked like.). The cat then tells me, "I need to talk to you!" in a female voice. I get scared and walk a bit faster. I head into a food store and try to get away from the cat. The cat speeds past me and then stops a few feet in front of me. I go into a fighting stance, my right foot in front of my left. She starts walking toward me and then jumps. I land a front kick onto her belly but she is still heading toward me, now a bit higher than before. I decide to sidestep and use my arm to move her body to the side while she is midair. She lands back on the floor and we look at each other.

 

And then the alarm goes off and I wake up. 8:30 AM. My heartbeat is a bit accelerated and then it hits me. The cat was one of my tulpae. I believe it to be Amethyst. I felt so bad cause I kicked her. And she had something to tell me! What I was wondering was when I kicked her belly, the kick seemed weak or she just used the kick to get higher. Regardless, I kicked her! I felt so bad so I apologized to both of them. Now I'm kinda stuck wondering what the message was.

 

I talked on the Shout Box about it. They said it was alright as I wouldn't know from a dream. That dreams were pretty uncontrollable. Aarix talked to me about a thing called Hypnagogic Imagery. After reading a thread he wrote, it seems that I went through Hypnagogic Imagery unknowingly. It actually worked so I'll be sure to use it again if I'm ever tired.

 

Later in the day, in my room, I decide to ask Ruby a few questions. First, what her name is. At least how I'm getting it from her is a card of sorts that fills my mind screen of sorts. It has a black background with a pale sea blue text color. So I see "Ruby" in the pale sea blue color with the black background. I then ask a few more questions that currently have slipped my mind. I do however ask what I should do about vocalization. She responds as such: "Well, there are three things. There's forcing, there's vocalizing, and there's sleep." I'm a bit surprised because they're all very good responses and that I understood her in this way! So I go ahead and write it down to make sure I don't forget. Forcing to focus on voice. Vocalization to try and get her voice more "out there," for a lack of better words. Sleeping to induce those weird dreams and to try that Hypnagogic Imagery when I'm near sleep.

Wolfe

Personality: INFP

Began: 10/7/12

 

Ruby

Personality: ISTJ

Form: Human

On: Visualization/Imposition

 

Amethyst

Personality: ENFP

Form: Human

On: Visualization/Imposition

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