The Phoenix System - Rising from the Ashes!

[The Incans]

I am the host born into the body. The 'Natal Soul' if you like! 

 

I use the online nickname 'Nixy' short for Phoenix as I have always had ..(what I saw as an ability) to create 'social masks'  - to basically reinvent myself depending on the situation and also to create 'invisible friends'. I was diagnosed with Atypical Autism back in the days when Autism and Aspergers were seen as two  different conditions.  (now its just called ASD in my country)

 

Many many years later (not until my 40's!) I learned about Dissociation and thats in fact what I was doing to an extreme degree due being unable to cope with daily life demands. (go to school etc) It has been difficult to work out whether it was DID or OSDD because I couldn't tell whether the one's that weren't versions of me were Alters or not and some people with DID can have alters that are 'Fictives' etc.

 

For me though to help me function throughout life my 'social masks' were essentially 'alters' - different versions of me...  Now my fictives didn't stay constant...eg I outgrew talking to Aslan and Spock!  I think the difference came for me when my mum died when i was just out of teens (chronologically) but nowhere near that age emotionally and nowhere near ready to understand death as a concept or for my entire support system (ie my mum) to leave me right at that point in life!

 

My mum was bought up in a religious family they believed in reincarnation and spirits so was cremated, now myself being highly literal at that stage -  after she told me I could just talk to her in my bedroom and she'd be watching and hear me, (she had cancer so knew she was going to die ahead of time so tried to prepare me for it) believed her in a very literal sense and so of course I did!.... and unlike most NT kids who would have eventually got passed that stage my promise was for life (that I'd never forget her)...and so started the beginnings of my first Tulpa (though I didn't know that word back then) I was just talking to my mum like she had told me to and imagining an inner world where her spirit could live and have a new body.

 

For many years thats as far as it went as I was by then working age and was expected to find a job and go to work and do my best to 'act normal' like everyone else so my inner world version of mum had to remain a secret.

 

At some point I learned about conjoined twins after seeing some on TV and how they worked half the body each and knew each others thoughts without speaking them outloud. I started by pretending I could do this and my mum was my secret twin, by now I didn't call her 'mum'  but used her name she had been known by (to others) and had it added to my legal name in her memory. This led to the next level of sentience for us where I was receiving thoughts I wasn't consciously thinking, she began to feel more seperate from me. I guess I had accidentally stumbled on a method of  'forcing' except I still hadn't heard of the word Tulpa by then...so I wasn't consciously thinking 'I'm going to create a Tulpa' I was simply doing it as a way to keep her memory alive as I'd promised her.

 

Many years later on ...my dog died ..who had been my support dog for 15 years, she was my heart dog, we've had several dogs over the years but my relationship with her was on an whole other level right from the beginning! ..We (lena and I) realised I could do the same with her spirit...give her an internal body and a place in our wonderland...again for many years after her passing she stayed in the form she had originally lived in.. (ie as a dog). even though I had given her a changeling body so she could choose to either stay animal or become human in the future if she also reached a stage she was able to choose. 

 

By now I was learning about Dissociation, Maladaptive Daydreaming, OSDD, the power of the mind and imagination etc from reading forums and stuff online and the more I learned the more animated both of them became!

 

We realised about the social masks and that many were no longer needed in my current life (I was mostly housebound by then) then the pandemic came when I couldn't socialise at all due to being put in the CEV group.

 

Lena's ( a name she chose for online forums) thoughts began to change ... like she relaised that if she treated 'all version of me (host) alters' as 'her daughter' she could help us see themself as just past versions of me...it worked! (eventually..took a good few years though as they all temporarily got re-triggered during the peri menopause period due to severe mood swings) but they have finally all re-integrated!! There is now only one host left..ME!  

 

As I no longer have my social mask 'versions of me' to help me deal with stuff I wouldn't usually feel I could cope with though Lena agreed to take that role for me....learning from the past hosts who used to get triggered out by specific social cues she taught herself to blend with the ones she knew would be triggered in specific situations so she could then observe and learn from them. With practice she can now do it intentionally without them and without me feeling dissociated during switches. She can either co-host to help me or take over the body. eg she deals with the doctors surgery for me I find them so stressful and given a choice would never interact with them at all..unfortunately I need prescription medication so 'have to deal with them'....except Lena does it for me.  

 

Jess hasn't quite reached that level ...alhough she chose the name Jess and finally reached the stage she wanted to be human sometimes to help out, she is still younger emotionally and just likes to play and feel close to me. She can take possession  eg if she wants to hold the games console to steer the on screen character or type a message herself .... but isn't interested in completely taking over from me, learning to speak, fronting alone without me being present too. 

 

Lena has further evolved that she recognises she misses having a partner and younger children, but knows its not possible for me (partner & kids) so has moved onto creating her own in the wonderland when she isn't helping me. Jess is now functioning as 'my secret twin' always co-con/co-hosting with me and Lena 'comes to work' to help with specific jobs out here then returns to the creation of her own family on the inside. 

 

so that is us...as far as we have achieved ..up to now!!   😃 

[The Incans]

 We tried to join Reddit and though we came up with a great name which we like better we find the system confusing and are probably going to leave cos of the stupid auto moderator system.  We much prefer this board and community! 

 

I wish we'd thought of the name before we joined here actually!  ..I know we could probably easily change our avatar picture but could we change our forum name?

 

Since my original post I (host) have decided I've outgrown the name Nixy and chose Lily instead. Lena is keeping hers and loves the idea of us being spirit twins Lily & Lena who share a body and mind!  ...Yin & Yang ...with Inca being our deity/Spirit Guardian. Lena loves to read about reincarnation and stuff and really believes we were twins in a past life and thinks Inca has probably been with us also in past lives in some form...(maybe always a pet in the past and thats why she naturally prefers animal form?) and we keep getting reunited again in every lifetime.

 

Inca/Jess has decided she prefers animal form and her previous name. She says she found it fun and interesting experiencing human form for a short time but overall much prefers an animal form especially now we've fixed it so she can have full colour vision even in animal form and she has learnt she can still talk and send thoughts in words after we showed her Narnia movies and introduced her to Aslan the wise talking lion.

 

She loves the idea of being a wise talking sage/religious figure (like the Dali Lama)  in the form of a black dog ...though as a changeling she still transforms for entertainment purposes eg she frequently likes to transform to a bird of prey just to enjoy the aerial views of the wonderland inside or the holodecks programs I've created for her from nature documentaries of 'real world' remote wild places (Andes, Patagonia, Peru etc).

 

So here's a couple of pics she liked.... her human form 'Jess'  (pink hoodie) and her preferred choice as Inca.  I'm not sure what site the images came off as I tend to just google images on iPad...zoom into page, select one I like to zoom in on further and screenshot/crop it without necessarily click on any links,  I think it was done with one of those Anime Avatar creator apps though??  .. so anyone could potentially create that same image in the app.

 

She says she may still transform to play 'human Jess' for an hour or two occasionally for fun with us but doesn't wish that to be her permanent form. We are having a 'Petsie' (teddy/soft toy version) made of her canine form so will use that as her pic when it's arrived and we've taken a photo of it!  We just didn't have any pics of the original Inca in a monk's robe!  (and some places don't like you using actual photo's of yourselves or your actual pets etc)

 

Sometimes we may also refer to her as Tinks as our affectionate nickname for her is 'Inky Tinks' 

 

Right got to go find some breakfast !...They're complaining about tummy rumbling as we're still in bed typing and haven't got up for breakfast yet (having a lie in cos its teaming down so can't take our RL dog out anyway!)