Alex & Me (Naomi)

[firedingo]

So this is my first tulpa. It's probably about Day 4 since I started creating Alex. I can see her quite well in my mind and when I'm with her I go over her personality all the time. Though in the last few days I've been a little slack. I still dedicate probably 30% of my brains attention to her, 40% to worrying about the subject I'm doing Over xmas of which I haven't started studying for yet, 15% on the assignment from a subject last semester that I need to redo and 15% on the new game I just started playing called FF X.

 

I think despite my poor efforts over the last few days that she's still developing. Yesterday I woke up with the whole cast of Stamp having an encore in my head and despite taking pain relief it lasted for the rest of the day. Today My brain feels like there's extra pressure in there and in my neck on the left side there seems to be some discomfort as well as my eyes hurting a little.

 

I think my lack of decent easting is contributing to my feeling of no energy which is mostly why I haven't been doing anything with Alex. Though If I juts made a little bit of an effort I might find it's not so hard. I mean it's not like I'm running a marathon or anything, I'm just spending time with Alex and helping her to grow and develop.

 

Day 1

So I mostly spent my time doing heaps of reading till I took a shower at about 2am. I got so relaxed that I spent like an hour in there and in that time I believe I created Alex. I kept imagining what I wanted Alex to look like and be like but to really help me focus I sorta imagined her body was like a doll laying on couch in our wonderland house. Then I imagined I was holding a clear glass ball and every time I though of something for her personality I imagined it went into the glass ball as like a golden light or liquid. When I felt like I was done I carried her personality over to her body and placed it on the body and watched it melt into the body. I was accutely aware by this stage that I was becoming very sleepy so I was planning to leave shortly but first I said "Welcome Alex, I am your creator and this is your home. I have to go now but I promise that I'll be back tomorrow. There is a key by the door for the house for you and I have my key here in my pocket." I then kissed her and left.

 

Day 2

I came back as promised. I spent maybe 40 minutes going over her personality with her. I explained what a trait means like Kindness means you'll be more likely to help someone who say drops their shopping by accident. I also gave one or two scenarios of how she mind apply the trait or it might affect her response to. After that I gently picked her up and carried her to a different room. I thought if she's yet to move and I'm slow coming back, I should put her in a different room so she has something new to look at. I took her from the entry lounge area to the tv room as way of putting it. Before leaving I ran upstairs and came back down with a hairbrush and I brushed her hair. I also focused on creating a season of the tv Show Blue Heelers of which I've been rewatching over the last few days (It's a great watch in case any of you are wondering).

I put a Disc in the dvd player gave her the remotes and said I'd be back and reminded her her key for the house was beside the door. Thus far I haven't gotten back.

 

Oh I almost forget while Talking about her personality, I had these odd words pop into my mind. I was a little distracted at the time and the words actually half made a sentence though they made no sense like What about the leaverturn as an example. I wasn't sure if it was my brain or Alex. From my reading I understand it's important you believe that sentience exists from creation and that you don't doubt your tulpa so I said to her I wasn't sure if it came from her or my brain but if it was her that I hope she's not afraid to talk again and that I also didn't understand her if she was trying to say something.

 

Day 3

So this is the day I had that awful headache. Spent all day laying on our lounge cause I felt terrible. Even after 1 tablet of pain relief and 2 hot showers I still felt terrible. I just did very little cause it felt better. Despite having the mother of all headaches I still spent a good chunk of the day thinking about Alex.

 

Day 4

So this is today. I've just basically finished typing this up and highlighting the important parts. I'm deffinately going to make an effort to visit Alex, and streamline the wonderland a little bit better. My results from last semester have just come out so I probably will focus on uni more today.

I will follow this up with more day entries in a few days or so. Maybe she'll be talking or at least I'll have done more on personality. I seem to spent more time just talking randomly to her about different things. Does it make a different when talking with your normal voice whether you whisper or speak normally? I know it makes a different between normal voice and mind voice.

Anyway, that's enough for now. I'll post more later.

[Oguigi]

Does it make a difference when talking with your normal voice or a whisper?

 

Yeah it does in a way, young tulpas will perfer you to speak out loud to them, as she matures mind voice might be perfered. But as long as you direct the words to her she Will hear and understand them, right now she is extremely young and will be paying very close attention to any attention/commutation you give her.

 

And good luck!

[firedingo]

So Today Is Day 16. I haven't done much with Alex at all. Not for a lack of trying though. Every time I sit down to work with her it feels like everything is going real fast and I just can't slow it down. I do think about her every day at least. Having no computer for a few days and lost of uni work to do didn't exactly help the situation either.

 

Though on day 4, I was having a crappy day and was telling Alex about it when I swear that she moved her arm and touched me in a comforting way. I don't want to doubt her but it seems like she might be too early to move. But then I can't shake this sense in my guts that it's really her and I've come to trust my instinct.

 

I'm gonna try real hard to spend time with her today but first I need to make myself slow down or at least I think I need to make my thoughts slow down. I bet she misses me. I'd do it before going to bed but I'm worried that I'll fall asleep while focusing on her and from what I've heard that's not good for tulpas.

 

Hopefully everything goes as I plan today and I can say tomorrow that I spent heaps of time with her.

[firedingo]

So Today is day 26. I've spent some time with Alex. I feel guilty for not spending enough time with her or much at all over the last few weeks. She seems good considering how crappy I've been at spending time with her.

 

I swear though today that I could feel her essence or presence when I was with her and I swear I can still feel it now.

 

I've promised her that I'll come back later today but since I've made promises before and not kept them she may not want to believe me.

 

I found since it's so hot here that everything feels slowed up so it was easier to relax and visit Alex. That's my main problem though is nor being able to slow things down ad relax. Also I noticed After not spending time with her for a while that things have become harder to see. She's more like a rough outline than an in focus being.

 

We're still working on personality and form but mostly I end up just talking about other things. Though I think any talking must be good for her. I keep telling her that it's ok to start talking and moving all th time. I'm hoping if I keep telling her this that she'll feel she can trust me and just do it. I wanna seem supportive of her.

 

I think another problem is most of our time is done in 30 min sessions because by that stage I seem to run out of things to talk about. Even if it's just random things about my life.

 

Hopefully I can post later or tomorrow that we had a great session.

[firedingo]

So Today is Day 55. Alex is starting to solidify more as an image to me. I think me having an idea more clearly of what I want her to look like helps rather than some general features. So far she still seems happy with the name Alex. I think despite my lack of work that her personality is devloping of its own accord. She also seems to be surprising me of lately.

 

It was about a week ago and I hadn't visited Alex in a little while and being so close to christmas I thought I should talk to her about it. Anyway we or at least she seemed to agree that celebrating it was a good idea. So we started by creating the tree and then the tinsel, baubles and lights to go on it.

When we started with the tinsel I made the first one and turned away from Alex for a few moments, when I turned back I noticed she'd created two more lots of tinsel without me even realising or thinking about it. I left before we could finish the tree since my mum was calling me for dinner. I came back a few days later to find she had finished the tree and without knowing actually moved herself from the lounge room to the kitchen. The thing that got me the most was that as I entered the house, I was hit with the smell of food that was definately not being cooked in my mum's house.

 

The fact that she'd changed rooms without my help and that she seemed to be cooking and cooking really well I might add was so surprising. I think what topped it off was while I was there I started talking to her about having another tulpa as a companion for when I'm not there since I clearly don't get back for days at a time sometimes. Well when I asked her what she thinks I felt this pressure or force pushing into my thoughts and a sense in my guts that she was saying yes. Plus as I was leaving I always say the same thing "I love you Alex. The key is on the hook by the door." We both have keys to the house. I leave hers by the door and keep mine in my pocket. Anyway just after I finished saying I love you Alex. The Key.... she seemed to jump in and say is by the door and smile at me.

I think she's starting to talk and maybe even walk/move.

 

Could she be starting to talk and walk/move?

Or maybe She's already been doing but I haven't noticed or maybe she's been too afraid to talk/move around me?

Also how much do tulpa know? I keep thinking she's like a young child who's never seen things before and I go to great lengths to explain what things are or what they look like or why things are done. I just hope I'm not insulting her or anything by treating her that way.

 

So that is where Alex and I are at, at the moment. I think I'm going to spend some time with her now and hopefully I'm right about Alex talking and we can start having conversations instead of monologues. I'm so worried that I'm screwing up that I doubt myself more than I doubt her. In fact every tiny little thing seems like a milestone at the moment. That's all for now.

[firedingo]

So it's Day 131. I've been so scattered lately with everything for uni I haven't given Alex much attention at all. I think of her but I haven't actually seen her in a few weeks maybe months. Actually I'm kinda worried I might have freaked her out or something. I said some really stupid things the last time I was with her. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing it right. Alex....I feel so alien to her....like she's a stranger or something. I feel like I should be able to feel her more. Even when I talk to her I feel like I'm talking to myself. The biggest thing was never doubting her, It's doubting myself! When I'm with her.....I just can't seem to focus and I wonder if I'm doing her more harm than good.

 

A short posting but that's where I'm at with Alex. I think last time she was just starting to move and talk but I can't be sure. Maybe I'm worrying over nothing. Maybe she's ok. I hope she's ok.......