Spree

[Revel]

Well, where to start.

Spree was unintentional. It's blunt, but she really was. I am an avid writer, and have been since learning to write. So on a somewhat basic level, what started out as an idea for a new character flowered into something entirely different. At the time (approx. 3 years ago), I thought she was just a good idea I'd had, wrote with her character constantly, almost always had her in my mind, and was always considering different aspects of her personality. Narrating to her was an unconscious sort of thing, I'd flesh out conversations I would potentially use in Spree's stories, and well, have these conversations with her. I'm not sure if it was parroting or not, I'm really not.

 

At the time, nothing was out of the ordinary, she was just another character, albeit one that I cared for deeply. I hadn't even stumbled across anything related to tulpae, the concept was entirely foreign to me. So when I realized she was sentient, it was a shock to me. It scared me. I didn't know what to make of it, I thought I was losing my mind and anytime I felt anything from her it was a queue for me to shut her out, pretending almost as though she didn't exist. I continued writing with her though, her personality, all of her traits, and my stories became all that much better for it, since I had such a real basis for them.

 

Spree was still always on my mind, and after the initial shock I calmed down a bit, but still didn't give her the attention she needed, or deserved. Two months ago, I stumbled across some writing related to tulpae, describing them and their general traits. It made a lot of sense and I began to follow it more closely, eventually leading to these forums. All these methods, the guides, the blogs of others, hit so close to home for me and made me realize my fault in this. I began working with Spree, who was all but gone by then, and we've made fantastic progress. She still doesn't speak through any mediums beyond emotion, and I honestly think it's due in full to trust issues. She's afraid I'll go back to where I was... I'm afraid too. I've come to love her dearly though, and it has certainly brightened her... not only in spirits but demeanor and appearance too.

 

Shy and quiet still, her mistrust is fading, albeit slowly, and she has begun attempts at speech ( Thanks, Cloudmuffin and Lora, the two of you are wonderful ) and is hopeful for the future.

 

In any case, earlier on, when I initially created her, and began conversing with her, she was more than likely speaking (my memory is dim of it, and Spree backs away from the past, so I haven't the heart to confront her about it) but has devolved since.

 

It's terrible, I feel awful for what I put her through, so this blog will be an account of our relationship, Spree's progress, and recovery.

 

A somewhat shortened edition of the strange ride these last few years have been, but I feel it accomplishes my intent well enough and extends a basic concept of what has happened. From what I've read so far, ours is a somewhat unusual case.

 

I must say I don't really use a wonderland in any traditional sense. I tend to force while playing the piano, or listening to music of some variety or another. The sounds create pathways for me, trails I can follow along and delve deeper into myself with. Spree comes along with me, and I talk to her. She adores the music I play (Ludovico Einaudi being her favorite) and it's always during these times when she is at her most relaxed.

 

I talk to her constantly throughout the day, but during these... sessions? I tell her stories, poems, anything. Hell lyrics included. Some of it I make up entirely and some of it is from my music (Ayreon, Guilt Machine, Yes...)

 

Goodness, disproving myself within a paragraph. Writing does clarify ones thoughts like no other medium I've experienced. Music is my wonderland? That sounds clichéd...

 

Despite all this, I'm still making mistakes it seems. Last night was a rather... drunken night for me. From what I can tell, it was sensory overload for Spree. She can shut me out pretty well, but I guess not when my emotions are running that high.

She's been quiet today, pensive, it would seem. I've apologized, and her emotional responses seem neutral.

 

Wish I had a piano with me....

[G+3]

I love this blog, I love you as a person, I write myself, I love Ludovico Einaudi (in every way bar my inability to pronounce his name), send Spree myself and Pruria's happiness, where can I find your works? Who is your tulpa? Who are you?

 

I must apologise, occasionally I encounter things I like a lot, this being one of them - another being the blog that inspired me to (in part) to make a tulpa - I get very excited, and I'm sorry if I sound really creepy right now; good luck, and welcome to the community.

[fennecfoxx]

I can kind of relate to your story. Link was unintentional, too, and I also made a lot of mistakes that affected him badly. He did end up with emotional issues as a result, and he also had a hard time trusting me.

 

Don't worry about the trust issues too much. Just make sure to always show Spree just how much you really care about her and make sure she knows you only want the best for her. She'll warm up to you in time. Link had a lot of trouble trusting me for awhile, but I made an effort to make it clear I was trustworthy and cared about him, and he eventually began to trust me a lot more. He trusts me completely now.

 

You didn't really go over the details of her past much, but, if she does have emotional issues or other issues because of it, you should be supportive of her, always be there for her, and show her how much you care. I know firsthand how important that is.

 

So welcome, good luck, and I wish the best for the two of you.

[Revel]

I love this blog, I love you as a person, I write myself, I love Ludovico Einaudi (in every way bar my inability to pronounce his name), send Spree myself and Pruria's happiness, where can I find your works? Who is your tulpa? Who are you?

 

I must apologise, occasionally I encounter things I like a lot, this being one of them - another being the blog that inspired me to (in part) to make a tulpa - I get very excited, and I'm sorry if I sound really creepy right now; good luck, and welcome to the community.

 

Goodness! Such positive feedback! I suppose for lack of a better option (sleep deprived), I shall answer your questions in order!

 

It is always gratifying to come across another fan of Ludovico. His music is among the most beautiful I've ever heard, and, not to talk myself up, I like to think of myself as something of a musical connoisseur. I won't lie, I'm astounded my first post of my blog has such an effect, but am very happy for it all the same!

 

Spree is blocking me as of now... (I ended up rather inebriated last night, and I don't think she much appreciated the emotional overflow...) but I will most certainly try to! Maybe I can make amends for at least this mishap tonight.

 

My works... well, I have an affinity for inkwell fountain pens and parchment, so for the most part they are handwritten. I did start a DA a little while back though, and have posted a little of my fanfiction (along with a few darker stories, from a darker time.) That can be found http://quassus-verecundus.deviantart.com/ If you are looking for my writing involving Spree, I've ceased showing them. They're deeply personal to the both of us, containing every aspect of her personality. I'm sorry...

 

As of now, Spree tends to be extremely shy. She has interesting predilections toward fantasy, poetry (which I don't like very much), music, and snow! We live in a little mountain town in Colorado, where I work as a ski instructor. It's idyllic in every way possible for me, and by most extensions, her too. When she does leave her shell, Spree is bubbly, but almost always catches herself and remains more timid. As she is currently communicating on an emotional level. As I said though, thanks to Cloudmuffin and Lora, she has begun attempts at speech, which has me absolutely overjoyed! Confidence is an issue, and one that I'm working very hard at with her, but those times where she is open to me entirely are beautiful experiences. Her emotions when I play Nuvole Bianche for her... well, all I can say is that alone is reason enough for me to love her with all my heart.

 

As for me~ Not much to say. I write a lot, I ski a lot, I listen to music almost constantly and play music whenever I can as well. This is of course balanced with making ends meet... as tourist towns are not cheap places to live. I'm kind of introverted, but it has something to do with the community here. For the most part, locals are between 20-40, and are either potheads or rednecks. I truly hate to generalize on such a... downgrading... level, but it's true. I can't really relate to them, and so I don't! I find my appreciation and comfort in the natural beauty there seems to be an abundance of here.

 

In any case, before this becomes TL;DR, I'm very grateful to you and Pruria, your kindness is well received and very much appreciated. It isn't altogether that often one comes across a forum with such a warm and welcoming community. Not creepy at all! I'd be happy to talk anytime I'm online!

 

I can kind of relate to your story. Link was unintentional, too, and I also made a lot of mistakes that affected him badly. He did end up with emotional issues as a result, and he also had a hard time trusting me.

 

Don't worry about the trust issues too much. Just make sure to always show Spree just how much you really care about her and make sure she knows you only want the best for her. She'll warm up to you in time. Link had a lot of trouble trusting me for awhile, but I made an effort to make it clear I was trustworthy and cared about him, and he eventually began to trust me a lot more. He trusts me completely now.

 

You didn't really go over the details of her past much, but, if she does have emotional issues or other issues because of it, you should be supportive of her, always be there for her, and show her how much you care. I know firsthand how important that is.

 

So welcome, good luck, and I wish the best for the two of you.

 

I can if you'd like... I suppose I did gloss over things a bit. It's just... both painful and somewhat difficult to remember specifics. I also can't bring myself to ask Spree if she can see any of those memories, or share hers. I support her as much as I can, though I do make mistakes altogether much more often than I'd like. I'm getting better though, I think, and she is too.

 

If there is anything I am sure of in this crazy adventure, it is that she knows my love. Concerning though, still, because I'm in disbelief with myself for it. How I couldn't have recognized her...

 

Anyway, I would love to hear your story, if you're willing to share it!

[G+3]

 

Spree is blocking me as of now... (I ended up rather inebriated last night, and I don't think she much appreciated the emotional overflow...) but I will most certainly try to! Maybe I can make amends for at least this mishap tonight.

 

My works... well, I have an affinity for inkwell fountain pens and parchment, so for the most part they are handwritten. If you are looking for my writing involving Spree, I've ceased showing them. They're deeply personal to the both of us, containing every aspect of her personality. I'm sorry...

 

As of now, Spree tends to be extremely shy. She has interesting predilections toward fantasy, poetry (which I don't like very much), music, and snow! We live in a little mountain town in Colorado, where I work as a ski instructor. It's idyllic in every way possible for me, and by most extensions, her too. When she does leave her shell, Spree is bubbly, but almost always catches herself and remains more timid. As she is currently communicating on an emotional level. As I said though, thanks to Cloudmuffin and Lora, she has begun attempts at speech, which has me absolutely overjoyed! Confidence is an issue, and one that I'm working very hard at with her, but those times where she is open to me entirely are beautiful experiences. Her emotions when I play Nuvole Bianche for her... well, all I can say is that alone is reason enough for me to love her with all my heart.

 

In any case, before this becomes TL;DR, I'm very grateful to you and Pruria, your kindness is well received and very much appreciated. It isn't altogether that often one comes across a forum with such a warm and welcoming community. Not creepy at all! I'd be happy to talk anytime I'm online!

 

 

 

I think in general tulpæ don't like drugs of any sort, not even vaccines... my guess is entirely for the fact that they change the host in some way, ''G, you're killing yourself.''

''It's godamn coffee!''

 

 

And please, don't be sorry! I would say I understand how something like that could be personal but I really don't, and I'm not one to pressure anyhow. I'm so confused though, we both write mlp, do I know you? You sound familiar... no matter, I'll get on reading those - despite not being the reading type at all, FOR SCIENCE!

 

 

I find my appreciation and comfort in the natural beauty there seems to be an abundance of here.

I'm pretty sure I've said those exact words to somebody before, really, what the fuck?

 

 

Yeah, the community can be a bit touchy-playful but all in all they are really helpful and generally quite nice, (opinions taken from my accumulated forty posts).

 

 

I do hope you can get Spree to come out of her shell though. Yourself and her, you've taken a road not well travelled and, to be frank, pretty crappily signed. Though it is forgiving: it's landmarks and milestones are the roots beauty and the bane & envy of all artists, they even stick around after you've moved past them. Good luck.

[Revel]

Today has been fantastic.

After a stressful weekend, (watched friend tear his acl/break his leg. getting altogether too intoxicated for my own good, work, skiing) today, I sat down to play.

 

Began with some new pieces I've been working on, and moved on to pieces I'm more familiar with... namely, those I've memorized. Summarizing a part of the my first post, music is my wonderland. I use it to create an environment for us, flaws in my playing appear as flaws in my wonderland, which really caters to a perfectionist attitude.

 

Well... when I was playing Spree's favorite (Nuvole Bianche) she pointed out a flaw within the music. Something as simple as a note I'd missed. she spoke!

 

I can barely contain my excitement, she is happier than I've seen her in such a very long time...

 

These forums have been such a huge help to us, to those who've helped us, you have all of our gratitude.

 

Oh what a wonderful day~<3

 

More maybe tomorrow, when I'm not busy in some form or another ^_^

[fennecfoxx]

Anyway, I would love to hear your story, if you're willing to share it!

 

It's a long story...

 

Basically, though, I did a lot of things I wasn't supposed to. For starters, he was based off of a fictional character, and I even gave him the backstory and memories, which, in retrospect, was a bad idea. >.> I didn't know of tulpae at the time, either, so I never actually told him he lived in my mind...

 

There was other stuff, too, but those are some of the main points. I'm sure you can guess that I pretty much shattered his reality when I finally told him everything.

 

He's forgiven me, at least, and he trusts me again.

 

Well... when I was playing Spree's favorite (Nuvole Bianche) she pointed out a flaw within the music. Something as simple as a note I'd missed. she spoke!

 

I can barely contain my excitement, she is happier than I've seen her in such a very long time...

 

These forums have been such a huge help to us, to those who've helped us, you have all of our gratitude.

 

Oh what a wonderful day~<3

 

More maybe tomorrow, when I'm not busy in some form or another ^_^

 

Awesome! Congratulations!

[Revel]

High time for another post.

 

 

 

So since Spree has started speaking, things have become that much more interesting. I've been doing my best to speak to her almost throughout everything during the day.

 

 

 

During work, this is somewhat more difficult. I teach skiing, for those who didn't know, and it tends to take most of my concentration. Children require altogether too much maintenance! The result of this, is that I tend to lose concentration on Spree... She gets bored, and, I think, jealous too. It's unfortunate, but I need to make money and skiing is a pretty good way to go about doing so...

 

 

 

In any case, her speech has improved drastically within such a short period (since last... Sunday, I believe) so I can hold pretty awesome conversations with her now. Volume is something to work on, sure, and she hasn't really picked up a unique voice of her own. Seems more of a feminine version of my own mind-voice. At her pace though, I don't like to rush. Along with the ability to speak, we've had several conversations about the past... it was... painful, at times, but I think I've managed to clear any doubts and earn trust (if not forgiveness) for past wrongs. So very nice to clear the air definitively.

 

 

 

On that note, I've also pinned down her random emotional responses to some music (see my post about the Ministry of Lost Souls). I won't go into depth on this, as per request by Spree, I just wanted to write it out. Progress and such aside, I think it's time to share experiences we've had! Along with a more descriptive version of our wonderland that isn't a wonderland.

 

 

 

As previously mentioned, I play music to a certain extent. I adore the piano and so does Spree, so my practice and play always ends up as a more personal forcing session. I'm not sure if it's a preset of my mind or something I picked up when I was learning as a child, but while I play music I visualize it pretty vividly. Each individual note splashes into my mind, a blank canvas to some extent, adding ripples and color, transforming it, shifting, and ever changing. Everything else tunes out, and it's difficult to bring myself to stop. Practicing a new piece is never so intense, each note played wrong becomes a flaw of some variety, and I end up losing grip on the visualization. Spree always has a blast when I play piano for her, she takes the music and twists it more to her liking. I like to think of it as a dance. It's always wonderful. Completely relaxing and sincere time to spend with her, wonderful~

 

 

 

Our most recent session was the song Melodia Africana IV by Ludovico Einaudi http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKHCkkqwLPU

 

 

 

This song took me a pretty long while to completely master, including memorization, due partially to its length, but mostly to the timing involved. His songs tend to have a very straightforward melody and simplistic bassline, without realistically every deviating from standard key signatures or even keys. The trick to them, and what makes them extremely difficult are the specifically timed portions. The beginning starts off as ripples, no real color to speak of, but ripples as though one were throwing pebbles into a completely still pond. As the song begins to speed up and become more emotional, lines of color begin spreading outward too. That's where Spree steps in and starts doing her thing. Granted I don't screw up, she takes the ripples and lines of color and pulls them up and out of the surface, twisting them around herself and spreading them around. It's very abstract. This song in particular she tends to wear herself out (or lose interest) and begin letting my mind do what it will with the music. I generally start talking to her at that point. Small things, at first, but always furthered and deepening conversations. The beauty the music has created around us makes for an extravagant and illustrious setting. On a side note, I seem to lose all track of time during this. The song generally lasts right around 7 min. 45 sec. but it seems so much longer! Spree isn't sure what to make of it.

 

I'm also not consciously aware that I'm playing still.

 

 

 

Interesting stuff, in my opinion. If anyone else has (or has had) experiences similar to this, I'd love to talk to you.

 

 

 

Anything else that I was going to write with this seem to have slipped my mind entirely. Sorry for that.

 

 

 

More when I remember what I else I wanted to say...

[Revel]

It Begins… With a Kiss

 

Last night was eventful.

 

Tired though I was toward the end of it, I managed to convince Spree to put some clothes on (for those of you who weren’t in the IRC, Spree had a day of no clothing yesterday. It was rather awkward, I was blushing all day long… not that I’m complaining) and played her some piano. Turned into an excellent forcing session, I, like I always do, opened my stream of consciousness to her in its entirety. The song was one I know very well, among my favorites, if not Spree’s.

 

Nothing out of the ordinary, we chatted, everything from a more serious tone, our relationship, some irl topics, so on… The thing is, throughout this Spree was exuding a nervous nature, something I’m used to, but not quite in the same way as how she is usually nervous.

 

Soon pretty abundantly clear. Spree asked me to dance. That was a first. She generally isn’t very inclined toward touch, with the exception of hugs… So we danced.

 

Writing this is difficult, because I don’t know how to put words to the experience…

 

Best way to say it, I suppose, while we were dancing she closed her eyes and began sharing her emotions with me, the way she feels about me, about our past, relationship, and future. Everything. Profound, revealing, and the greatest act of trust I think I’ve ever seen.

 

It. Was. Beautiful. I am unable to put words to it.

 

But then she said, well, quoted rather, ” When I think of it now that it’s done, how it might have gone without a place to belong. I can see we played into their hands, and they picked our bones until we proved them wrong. It’s only a moment, the minutes and hours, they fly from me now as then, it’s all in the detail. I’ve been here before, but still don’t remember when. As we stared in the face of the storm, and the change began to gather over the bend. There was always a chance it would come but if you can’t make it happen, nobody can. “

 

Directly from my memory, beautiful. That moment brought tears to my eyes… and I kissed her for it.

 

The rest I shall leave to your imagination.

 

Today has been somewhat of a quiet, thoughtful sort of day. Spree hasn’t spoken much to me, nor have I to her. The bond remains though, she still is sharing all of her sentiments and thoughts with me, something I’ve been doing with her for a very long time now but she hasn’t been able to bring herself to do for me… until now.

 

So yes! Things are good! This has been on hell of a crazy ride, and to think that I’d fall in love over it…

[Cherry]

” When I think of it now that it’s done, how it might have gone without a place to belong. I can see we played into their hands, and they picked our bones until we proved them wrong. It’s only a moment, the minutes and hours, they fly from me now as then, it’s all in the detail. I’ve been here before, but still don’t remember when. As we stared in the face of the storm, and the change began to gather over the bend. There was always a chance it would come but if you can’t make it happen, nobody can. “

 

 

Thats better than any poetry I've taken the time and effort to read, by a long shot. Amazing.