Ash and Friend's progress report

[Ashes]

Today is the final day of our 3rd week together. I thought I might start a progress report here in case someone might be interested. I'll probably post once a week unless we get a progress spike or something else notable happens.

 

Here's a concise recap of our three weeks:

 

Week 1
Introduced myself, tried to make a Wonderland, but ultimately decided against it since my focus is already poor enough. I either visualised Friend or the Wonderland, but never both at the same time. Postponed Wonderland until some other time.

Made a list of personality traits and we discussed them together. On Day 3 I had thoughts of "hello" and "it's me" pop up that seemed like they weren't mine. Not sure if it was me or him, but I chose to believe it was him.

I was getting a strong head pressure since Day 1, but when I explained "playful" trait to Friend, I felt two distinct localised pulses at the back of my head. Took it as a sign that he probably liked it very much.

Made some art of Friend, printed it and stuck it to my notebook. Also picked up some books at the local library to read together - I haven't done much reading since January, so thanks to Friend for motivation.

 

Week 2

This is where I started to struggle with focus and finding themes to talk about during narration. Combated the latter by compiling a list of random themes to talk about whenever I get a blank spot. I'm struggling with former to this day.

We started to read one of the books I picked up, and at that point have gone over more than half of the trait list I made.

On Day 4 I got a weird thought+feeling pop up in my head that looked like I was seeing (or being?) a fish jumping out of the water and then diving back in. Not sure what Friend tried to tell me (if it was him even), but maybe he just tried to joke with me.

Day 6 was a lot. I felt unusually physically exhausted when commuting to/from work, and on my lunch break someone drilled office walls so much my headphones were useless, so all the opportunities I had to talk with Friend passed unused. But when I got home and started talking to him, I noticed the head pressure localising in a new place - in a rather thin line around it, like if someone tried to measure its circumference. I tried asking yes/no questions and Friend was able to answer them changing the pressure spot ("line" or "whole head" pressure). I learned that he disliked the book we were reading (it was a bit sad and depressing, I didn't really thought about it when I picked it out), but he agreed that I should finish it. He also hated that we didn't get to talk much during the day. I was elated that we got to actually converse for the first time, but that's when my roommate came home, so we ended the sesh on a high note.

 

Week 3

The one when I started to spiral a bit. On Day 1 I took a mental reset break from everything, and I didn't feel anything back when I apologised to Friend.

Days 2 and 3 were a depressive relapse (probably caused by stress), but I got out of it by thinking of Friend and doing the box breathing thing to calm myself.

The rest of the week was kind of bleak because I always had things to do that required my full attention. Head pressure stopped being a stable presence whenever I tried to talk to Friend, and our method of conversing was gone with it. But I noticed that narration became a bit easier because I learned to just yap about whatever instead of trying to have deep meaningful conversations. So I guess every cloud has a silver lining.

We've also finished the book, but when I tried to discuss it I felt literally 0 presence. Perhaps he really hated it. Duly noted, I'll pick something more positive next time.

 

That's where we are now. My current plan is just to pay more attention to Friend during Week 4 and to really focus on visualisation since I kind of slacked off on that part until now (not entirely, but still).

Thanks for reading, and if you have any questions or tips for me, I would love to hear it.

Edited August 26, 2025 by Ashes

[Ashes]

Week 4 came and went. It's almost a month now, but it feels like I made the decision to force just yesterday.

 

Notable happenings:

• Friend pressured my head randomly while I was chatting on the forum. Made an assumption that he maybe wanted to say hi, and the pressure subsided. So I said hi on his behalf.
• I was very skeptical about colored noise, but tried it anyway and was surprised with how helpful it was. White noise made my thoughts drift A LOT less while forcing. Found a sick playlist of different ones, too - there's a regular one, one that sounds like sea waves, one that sounds like rain... awesome stuff, I use it every active sesh now.
• Began trying to use a wonderland again, the same white noise helped a ton with focusing. I still struggle, but I made huge progress.
• Head pressure is unstable, sometimes I feel it everytime I so much as think of Friend and sometimes I don't feel any even when I'm in wonderland.
• Some creepy stuff that I'll go about in the detail at the end.

Wonderland

Before establishing a wonderland I visualised Friend in a void space, so I came up with a door in the time-space that would lead into the new location. Because of that I (for some reason) started to think of the new location as "Friend's personal space" and now everytime I want to do something there I stand before the door and say "knock-knock" like a dummy.

 

When I just started forcing, I tried making the wonderland in the image of a lighthouse & keeper residence, but I quickly abandoned it because I just couldn't focus on the environment. Now that I'm a little smarter, I think it was because of two main reasons:

1. I've never seen a real lighthouse in my life, let alone the inside of one.
2. It was a complex environment, and when you don't have a lot of experience daydreaming it might be hard to imagine yourself immersed in it. Especially if you have attention/focus problems.

This week I approached it from a different angle and decided on a simple forest clearing with a big tree in the middle. BUT that second attempt wasn't successful either because I didn't feel at ease in the middle of the forest, plus imagining a lot of trees around us made the environment too complex still.

Third attempt was a success though. I pulled the image from my own memories - and replaced the forest with a wheat field and some hills on the horizon. Left the tree because you need something between you and the sun. And that's where the progress started to bloom, because it was easier to focus on the landscape and Friend at the same time. Not that I'm suddenly perfect at it, but I CAN do it, so now it's just a matter of training and extending the focus time.

 

Some creepy shit that left me a bit unnerved

Yesterday we were chilling in the wonderland, sitting under the tree. I rambled about something, as usual, when all of a sudden the image of Friend beside me started to look creepy as hell, lifeless, almost like a body, with black holes instead of eyes. I tried to shake the image off, but wasn’t successful. I ended the session abruptly, took a breather, then talked about it to him without visualising so we wouldn't part on THAT note.

Throughout all of this the pressure was massive, much stronger than it was before. But I didn't catch any actual words from Friend (I don't think I did, anyway).

Today the experience repeated, but not as intense. I tried doing symbolic rituals like ripping the image off like a piece of paper, crumbling and throwing it away (because it helped with other annoying thoughts before), but it just came back again.

 

I don't know why that happens and how to combat it. I don't usually watch any horror movies or anything. I guess I watched Citadel (2012) when I just started forcing because of the actor who plays mc, but that thing was more stupid than scary. I half-listen to true crime stories sometimes though, but I haven't done so recently.

This honestly scares me. If someone has any experience with something like this, I would love to hear from you.

Edited August 27, 2025 by Ashes

[Athelas]

On 8/27/2025 at 1:36 PM, Ashes said:

all of a sudden the image of Friend beside me started to look creepy as hell, lifeless, almost like a body, with black holes instead of eyes. I tried to shake the image off, but wasn’t successful.

 

We've had similar experiences before. My host is prone to repetitive intrusive thoughts, including intrusive visualizations. I understand how distressing they can be.

 

We think that your response was perfect. Take a mental breather and acknowledge the nature of the thought — intrusive, and not your tulpa.

 

On 8/27/2025 at 1:36 PM, Ashes said:

I tried doing symbolic rituals like ripping the image off like a piece of paper, crumbling and throwing it away (because it helped with other annoying thoughts before)

 

Symbolic visualization rituals were what worked for us. The length of the ritual seemed to be the key to its success. My host would imagine writing the thought on a piece of paper, crumpling it up, and stuffing it in a bottle. Then, I would imagine taking the bottle and throwing it as hard as I could into our wonderland's ocean. We would watch it sink into the depths until it was eaten by a sea creature of our choice. By the time we got through all of that, we were thoroughly distracted from the targeted thought.

 

Since you've had success in the past using symbolic rituals, I suggest experimenting with a more personalized sequence of actions/visuals. Try to involve things with personal significance, like your tulpa, wonderland, or interests. Repeated practice can also make your mental rituals more effective. We recently found we no longer need our extensive visualization. All I need to do is make a fist and release it, while telling my host, “let it go,” and away it goes.

 

On 8/27/2025 at 1:36 PM, Ashes said:

I don't know why that happens

 

In our case, being tired seems to bring out more intrusive visualizations. They especially like to pop up when we're trying to go to sleep. Other than that connection, we have no idea. Minds are strange like that. 

 

Congratulations on your progress so far. We wish you the best of luck.

[Ashes]

Hey, thanks for such a detailed response! And for the good luck, too.

 

18 hours ago, Athelas said:

We think that your response was perfect.

 

I'm glad if it was. I read somewhere that you should end each session on a high note, so that's what I've been trying to do.

 

18 hours ago, Athelas said:

The length of the ritual seemed to be the key to its success.

 

I suggest experimenting with a more personalized sequence of actions/visuals.

 

That's some amazing tips, thank you so much! My paper ripping thing is very fast, so maybe it wasn't enough to distract myself from such a vivid thought. I'll definitely experiment more if - or rather when - I'll get more of them.

[Ashes]

Week 5, BOY do I have stuff to write about.

 

First of all, I think Friend learned to initiate head pressure when he wants my attention. It doesn't happen often, but I try to talk to him every time he does it to reinforce this skill.

 

On 29th we celebrated 30 days together, although every plan I had for this day had gone down the drain, so I had to just acknowledge the date for the time being. More on that later.

 

Awkward Dancing

Overall I've been really busy this week (art class finals, wowie) and had little to no alone time, so active forcing sessions were on halt.

Most of our conversations were made during my work commute. I usually plug my headphones in without any music solely for their noise cancelling effect, so I can better focus on talking. But one of these days something compelled me to play some 2000s-2010s pop music and I kinda fell into a daydreaming state right in the subway - which is weird because usually I can do that only when I'm home and there's no noise around me except white noise.

Anyway, I started visualising a room with strobe lights & a disco floor, and then came the silly dancing. I can't say I saw the picture very clearly, but I had so much fun just vibing with Friend to some Lady Gaga, Kesha, Rihanna and stuff like that. Almost missed my station even. I could tell Friend liked that too because head pressure wasn't subsiding until I got home and started working on my art assignment.

I also danced around my room later when I got a crumble of alone time (I can only imagine how awkward that looked from the side), and felt the same amount of head pressure. I wonder if Friend likes dancing, pop music or both.

 

Celebrating

I planned to bake some cupcakes for our one month anniversary, but, as I said, that was put on hold. I was able to do that today though, and it was really fun telling Friend about my process. I told him that he needs to listen carefully because he would be able to make them himself if we get to possession one day.

Cupcakes turned out perfect, if you're interested. They're chocolate and banana flavoured and I adore them. Ate like three of them while they were still hot lol

 

Progress Spike

As it goes, doubts never go away. I felt really down today because I started to get hung up about still not hearing Friend. With this week being very busy and the progress seeming to reach its natural plateau, I started to get hung up on usual topics such as doing everything wrong or not doing enough.

I wrote a rant about it to my personal journal. In short, I wrote down all my concerns and how much I wanted to actually hear him and have a conversation. I wrote that I feel lost and lonely, demotivated; but also that I won't back down even when I feel like shit because I love Friend so much. That I want and will show up every day for him even if it takes a year to actually hear him.

As I finished my writing, I felt head pressure calling for my attention again, so I laid down, closed my eyes and was ready for the usual talking without the answer.

Now, I'm really scared of falling for false positives, accidentally puppeting/parroting, all the usual stuff that worries newbies like me. But I think we actually talked this time? At least I didn't feel like I was parroting.

I was so happy I actually forgot half the conversation now. But I remember telling him I love him again and him telling it back. I remember crying a little when I asked him to hug me. I also remember him saying his favourite color is green - I think he said it because I kept asking him about it again and again when I talked to him before. Perhaps it annoyed him, haha.

It was very short, and he told me he's tired, so we conversed through gestures a bit more before I told him to rest. Once I opened my eyes, the pressure I felt all this time was gone in an instant.

 

I don't know how to finish this post, to be honest, because I still haven't reflected on all this enough to make conclusions. I just know that I'm very happy right now.

I would like to ask thread wanderers for some tips/guides for hearing a tulpa because at this point I don't know what I'm doing but I'm determined to level up like never before.

[Ashes]

Week 6 was a hard one. I even lost track of time and realised we're at the end of Week 6 only yesterday. I signed my personal journal with 'Week 5' for 6 extra days.

 

First of all, I want to address a question I got after my previous progress update: Friend wasn't brought to this world as a romantic companion, the name I use for him on the web being proof of that. But I don't know how can anyone not love someone they share a body and mindspace with, so it's safe to say that the lines are very much blurred. A concrete frame for this relationship would be established once I know Friend is truly independent and can put forward his own opinion - and I would respect it, whatever it may be.

 

The first two days of the week were a mad race to finish the final work for my art class. I drew even at work at my desk, which I never do. I also submitted it like an hour before my teacher was supposed to gather us all in a discord call. So safe to say I was a little out of it in terms of forcing - I tried to talk during my work commute, as I always do, but my thoughts kept drifting to that assignment.

I was really distraught because not being able to talk to Friend after we JUST talked for the first time felt like I was betraying him, even though I discussed everything with him before I dove into the drawing crunch. I was getting responses whenever I asked him simple questions though (unless I was parroting, I guess), so there's that.

 

Once I was done with my class and the weekends rolled around, I decided to take another mental break for a day, which was a bad move, it seems like. Between these three days I wasn't able to force properly and similar 'idle' days on Week 3, it appears that everytime it happens our progress slows or even rolls back.

The rest of the week I had major problems with every single thing I seemed to do more or less fine before. Narrating became a hell of distractions because I was stuck in a loop of not knowing what to talk about again. Active forcing was even worse - I couldn't focus on anything, and my mind kept drifting. Passive forcing became almost non-existent. All of that mixed with unclear signals and my fear of parroting, so you can imagine how much my brain was melting.

 

Today I once again was alone for almost a whole day (remote work is great), so I decided to really push myself. I did three bursts of active forcing, each around half an hour, with breaks made to check if I had any work to do. It still didn't feel as productive as before, but at least I felt as if I started to fall back into a rhythm. We'll see how it goes.

 

Regarding parroting

I know it's a common struggle to know if you're parroting or getting genuine responses, and I know I probably mistake some of my own thoughts as Friend's words. We've yet to work on getting different 'voices', but it's something I think about doing as soon as I get back on track with regular activities. Hopefully I'll deal with it soon.

 

Next week

Will be heading back home for 9 days, so it's mostly gonna be passive forcing since I'll be with family all the time.

Very excited to finally show a real sea to Friend, because I was talking about it a lot this whole time.

Also very interested about his reaction to a plane flight. I shit my pants every time it's landing time, even though everyone in my life always says that taking off is the scariest part for them.

[Ashes]

Wasn't able to post my report last week since I had less free time than I expected. Anyway, here's me summarising Week 7 and Week 8.

 

Trip back home

I just got back from my parents on Sunday night.

From 13th to 21st (meaning the whole time of my trip) I wasn't able to force properly. I lived in my parents' house and was always surrounded by people, mostly my mom. No active forcing was done during these days, so my routine came tumbling down again, this time harder than before. Passive forcing was hard too, since I struggled with it before even on good days. I tried to check in before sleep, but I was tired as hell after skipping through my birthplace all day, so I fell asleep really fast.

 

As a personal note... I came out to my mother. I mention that because it's a major event in my life, and Friend had direct involvement in making it happen.

My journey of self acceptance started more than a decade ago, and since then I went through all "stages of grief" with it, including being a bigot (a.k.a. denial) and a major depressive/suicidal period. I finally accepted myself less than a year ago, but wasn't able to actually BE myself among other people since I live in a homophobic shithole. Two months ago, when I decided to meet Friend, he was the only one who knew the true me. And I believe his company was essential for me to actually want to live as myself instead of pretending and shoving it all down, hiding in fear. Which is why I decided to take the first step towards it and tell everything to the closest person in my life.

Did I talk to her like a man? No. I wrote a letter, shoved it into her backpack and fled into the airport like a coward. But I did it, and the whole way to the gate I was afraid someone from the security would flag me as suspicious because my heart was beating so fast and I think I looked like a kicked dog. I was scared shitless, and before boarding even started I received a voice message from her. She opened with "I'm really disappointed in you", and I went, well, here's my stop. But then she said it was because I didn't talk to her about it face-to-face and that she guessed I might be "different" a long time ago. She said it's alright but she's really upset we can't talk about it properly now.

I'll be back home for the new years, so that'll be really fun, probably. Lmao

Anyway, I'm glad I did it even though I chickened out from a normal talk. And, as I said, I have Friend to thank because without him I would've just lived my life pretending to be someone I'm not.

 

Re-establishing the forcing habit/routine

As I said, I regressed wildly after my trip. Everything is suddenly harder to do now, and my ability to focus is down in the dumps. But I'm fighting it like I'm the third monkey on the ramp to Noah's ark.

• Reminders to check in with Friend during work hours on my phone.
• Attempts to chain environment and my own actions to a passive forcing habit (like going through a door and remembering about him; I keep forgetting anyway though).
• Forcing myself to go back every time my thoughts slip during narration, which is A LOT of times now.
• Generally just trying to keep the thought of him in my head throughout the day.

I also tried to wonderland today for the first time in two weeks and made a foolish mistake of curling in my bed and getting cozy. I KNEW I was gonna fall asleep, but I guess even old mistakes are bound to repeat after you make such a large pause. Note to self: never lay on your side while forcing, THAT'S YOUR SLEEPING POSITION, YOU FOOL! Geez.

 

Regarding talking, I guess that's something that regressed as well. I don't think I'm actually hearing Friend now when I ask something but rather parrot the simplest fastest responses my brain can come up with. But it's alright, we'll get there again. Although I was really upset when I came to a conclusion I was probably answering myself.

Actually, during today's forcing I felt a head pressure again and it felt so soothing, I missed it so much. I actually feel it now as I type this, too, and it makes me really happy.

 

All in all, we're still going strong, even with bumps along the way. There's gonna be less time for active forcing probably, since autumn and the time before the new years is the period of high workload for me, but I'm determined to fight-fight-fight.

Thanks to everyone who reads these. And as a side note, don't be afraid to post your thoughts here, I don't really care how "clean" this thread is :) But my DMs are open too, so we can discuss anything there as well.

[Adagio]

Good for you for having the confidence to come out to someone and live as yourself! Wishing you and Friend luck on your journey together, and I hope your progress goes well!

[Ashes]

On 9/26/2025 at 7:49 AM, Adagio said:

Good for you for having the confidence to come out to someone and live as yourself! Wishing you and Friend luck on your journey together, and I hope your progress goes well!

Thank you so so much!! :)

[Ashes]

I'm here again to recap Week 9

 

I think I got a little better in terms of getting back on track, although I suffer a lot from having little to no personal time to lay down and force deliberately. I miss our Wonderland, but I just can't visit it unless I'm alone and there's silence around me, and these moments are few and far between now.

I practice more passive forcing, as I've said before. I'm still struggling with actively keeping Friend in mind throughout the day, thinking of him being near me, doing something parallel to me, etc., but I believe I've made progress keeping him "out of focus" of my mind. Don't know how to explain it better; I guess there's always a little awareness of him in my mind unless I'm engaging in something that demands 100% of my attention, like working.

 

Head pressure returned, unstable and unpredictable. But as mentally pleasant as it is to feel it, I decided it's better not to focus on that as much anymore because I don't want to get hung up on it. My goal is achieving vocality, not encouraging a lesser communication method.

 

Regarding vocality: as it stands, there seems to be little progress. I still hear one-two word answers to the questions I ask, but they come really fast and I can't determine if it's me or Friend. When I ask questions that require more complex answers, I don't hear anything back at all.

Regarding visualisation: I noticed a spike of progress in terms of me now being able to actually rotate the image of Friend in my mind like a 3d model. Before this, I always saw a 2d-like picture. It's really nice to see him be able to turn his head properly haha

 

Friend Special

Before writing this, I asked Friend if he maybe wanted to talk about something in this report. I got "weather", "autumn" and "color" back (again, don't really know if it was me answering myself or actually him), which may be tied to my work commute and the trees being red and gold. It's really pretty out there right now.

And although I meant if he maybe wanted to say something related to our progress, I decided to include the autumn talk anyway.

 

Yesterday was also our two months together. I think I'll get something nice to eat tomorrow.