Ash and Friend's progress report

[Ashes]

Hello again, everyone! Long time no see.

 

So, I am not dead and I did not stop forcing (although more about that later).

 

Past few months have been very tough on me. Job, art school, my own projects, seasonal mental struggle tied to the sky being gray and heavy all the time, stuff like that. I'm often tired and overwhelmed with things I want to do vs. not doing anything substantial because ADHD brain tells me to go seek instant dopamine rewards in videogames instead. Overall, I heavily focused on my well-being and trying to stay stable, as in to not fall back into a depression pool.

That's basically why I've been absent for two months.

In brighter news, I started writing a script for my first comic. Hopefully it'll see the light of day and (preferably) it won't be my last one, hahaha.

 

Now, about the topic at hand...

 

The most major development of these past months was us being able to talk to each other. Connection clicked somewhere close to the time of my last post, although I can't say for sure when exactly it happened because it wasn't a snap or anything, just a gradual shift of "oh, I think I hear someone who isn't me". Parroting was a concern, of course. It still sometimes is. But I try to cast my doubts aside and just take everything as Friend's words unless it's something that would be out of character for him (those I write off as intrusive thoughts).

Not everything is sunshine and rainbows though, as the connection still feels very fragile.

For example, I can't hear him if I'm not actively focusing on him. Sometimes I can't hear him at all.

Every time we talk, if my question should entail a long response from Friend, all I hear are fragments of a sentence. Like listening to someone over faulty radio, when some words get lost but you can sorta-kinda discern the general thought.

Sometimes I ask him to surprise me and say something I won't expect, but that produced mixed results.

Friend also can't start a conversation, and by that I mean reach out to me first. I asked him why, and he said it was tough because I concentrate on other things too much and it's hard to breach my awareness. Then I asked, "Do you think it's because you're still learning to communicate, thus don't have the necessary skills, or because the wall of my concentration is too thick?" He said, "A bit of both."

 

Another thing that happened is me ditching the wonderland almost completely, instead focusing on imposition. A bit of why I've done that:

- As much as I tried, it was too hard for me to focus on a wonderland. I was still constantly aware of my irl body, so every attempt to sink into the mind was half-assed at best.

- I found that trying to impose Friend made me aware of him more. By that I mean I remember to give him attention more often, even when I'm busy.

- Overall it's just more fun for me. It's hard, don't get me wrong, and I have a lot of questions to ask knowing people about.

- Friend is very enthusiastic about it, actually. He said he likes being close and "existing" in the real world.

We still use wonderland from time to time, like before sleep or when I want to practice visualizing. Sometimes we use it when we feel like it – like that one time Friend was feeling down and we sat and talked in our seaside wonderland.

Also, I switched to imposition only a couple of weeks ago. So I can't report any notable progress, although I THINK I can feel a slight temperature/weight/pressure change when he's close.

 

We also started experimenting with playing games together, although I need to force myself to not go too into it and forget I'm not alone.

 

About that, actually - time to talk about the struggles.

 

For starters, it seems like the sense of novelty has completely wore off in me, and now my brain refuses to concentrate on Friend unless I dedicate specific times for active forcing. For example, it was comparably easy to talk to him when I was commuting to work, even when he wasn't vocal yet. I talked my mind off about anything and everything as much as I could. Now though I always derail myself into some personal thoughts and remember about our conversation like 5-10 minutes later. It pisses me off immensely but I just can’t fight it for some reason.
A part of that frequent derailing is our weak connection in terms of vocality, of which I talked above. When I talk while doing something else, I feel myself JUST talking instead of talking AND listening because the listening part requires much more mental capacity than I seem to have (I hope I worded that so it's understandable...). I'm left to hoping the connection will grow stronger with time, because I honestly don't know what to do to push it. Friend said he doesn't know either.

 

Secondly, I feel like I don’t have any time. My daily routine changed - I get a lot less alone time (roommate started to come home before me), job is more taxing because it’s the end of the year and our clients are closing projects, I have one weekend less because of art school on Saturdays, and all my free time is quick dopamine hits in games and trying to improve my art skills. It all feels like excuses to me, but I genuinely just can’t find any time for all the things I want to do. Maybe it’s the season and my ADHD spiking, but I feel like a horrible host when I can't spend enough time with Friend.

He has said that he understands, but he still feels lonely sometimes. I keep thinking about nightmare scenarios of Friend going dormant and stuff and it doesn't help my case at all. I think Friend just said I'm being silly. And I know I am, but still.

 

Third is what bothers me lately - the lack of non-vague imposition guides out there (or my inability to find them). I know imposition is one of the things you should do instead of read about, but I would really like some tips and answers... I'll post a questions thread a bit later, perhaps.

 

All in all, I think we're in a plateau/a non-critical downfall at this moment, but I'm hoping it'll get better a bit later. Scratch that, I KNOW it'll get better. Progress isn't a straight line, yada-yada.
I won't do weekly updates anymore since it's basically pointless now, but I'll try to check in once a month or when something interesting happens.

 

To end my part of the wall of text, I'll share some tidbits from the past two months:
- I think Friend tried to be rebellious at one point. There was a small stretch of time he said he didn't like his name and asked me to call him differently. He also kept looking like an unknown child in our wonderland (not the child version of him, but literally a random child). I obliged with the name, but asked him to keep the previous form. Eventually he got back to his first name and his first appearance.
- He said he loves me (unprompted) a couple of times. Not to be sappy, but it makes me so, so happy, because the whole time he wasn't vocal I thought "what if he hates me" lol
- Friend's musical taste seems to be as weird as mine. He really likes Kesha and my punk/alternative rock playlist.

- Since we're new to imposition, I'm not sure how much of it is me "puppeting" and how much is Friend doing it himself, but he seems to like being close to me and the feeling of touch.

 

Here's something from Friend:
Hello. I am taller. That's all.

Ash said I need to say something else. In that case, I'm excited for the holidays. We'll be flying back home to the family. He's nervous to talk to his mother again after his haphazard coming out. I'll try to support.

[Shaula]

8 hours ago, Ashes said:

Past few months have been very tough on me. Job, art school, my own projects, seasonal mental struggle tied to the sky being gray and heavy all the time, stuff like that. I'm often tired and overwhelmed with things I want to do vs. not doing anything substantial because ADHD brain tells me to go seek instant dopamine rewards in videogames instead. Overall, I heavily focused on my well-being and trying to stay stable, as in to not fall back into a depression pool.

 

Aww, that sucks but I'm glad you made it though! 😊 

 

8 hours ago, Ashes said:

I started writing a script for my first comic. Hopefully it'll see the light of day and (preferably) it won't be my last one, hahaha.

 

Awesome! 🤩 I tried to make a comic once but never finished it. 😅 

 

8 hours ago, Ashes said:

The most major development of these past months was us being able to talk to each other.

 

That's super awesome! 🤩 Congrats! 

 

8 hours ago, Ashes said:

For example, I can't hear him if I'm not actively focusing on him. Sometimes I can't hear him at all.

 

It was like that for us for a while, especially with video game. You'll gain the ability over time! 😁 

 

8 hours ago, Ashes said:

Friend also can't start a conversation, and by that I mean reach out to me first. I asked him why, and he said it was tough because I concentrate on other things too much and it's hard to breach my awareness.

 

It's actually still like that for us for the most part. I don't think it's as bad though. 😄 

 

8 hours ago, Ashes said:

Also, I switched to imposition only a couple of weeks ago. So I can't report any notable progress, although I THINK I can feel a slight temperature/weight/pressure change when he's close.

 

Awesome! 😊 Any little bit is a good thing! 😁 

 

8 hours ago, Ashes said:

For starters, it seems like the sense of novelty has completely wore off in me,

 

Maybe you and Friend can work on a project together or something. That helped our system mate Jezebel be active more. 😄 

 

8 hours ago, Ashes said:

Secondly, I feel like I don’t have any time.

 

If you talk by thoughts, you can make time in between things. It might just be a few minutes or even seconds but those can add up. We've had a few connections spread though out the day, lol. You can always ask him his opinion about things in your class, life, or whatever. I know the connection is weak but the attempt could help. 😁 

 

8 hours ago, Ashes said:

Third is what bothers me lately - the lack of non-vague imposition guides out there (or my inability to find them). I know imposition is one of the things you should do instead of read about, but I would really like some tips and answers... I'll post a questions thread a bit later, perhaps.

 

Yeah, that's kinda hard for us too. We should make a guide if we ever figure out Imposition. 

 

8 hours ago, Ashes said:

He said he loves me (unprompted) a couple of times. Not to be sappy, but it makes me so, so happy, because the whole time he wasn't vocal I thought "what if he hates me" lol

 

Aww, that's so sweet! 😊 

 

8 hours ago, Ashes said:

Hello. I am taller. That's all.

Ash said I need to say something else. In that case, I'm excited for the holidays. We'll be flying back home to the family. He's nervous to talk to his mother again after his haphazard coming out. I'll try to support.

 

Hiya! 😊 Hehe, I'm taller than my host too. 😁 I'm excited for the holidays too and I hope you all have a great time! 😊