Tupper Troubles

[Tyrane]

Day Ten

Nothing really, I think she was upset when I didn't trust her about waking up with five hours sleep, I had trusted her before this but I was lazy for some reason. Rest of the day it's as if she's bored or not very talkative, I told her I would trust her from now on unless I told her otherwise.

 

Pretty straightforward.

 

Start of 3/12

[Tyrane]

Day Eleven

Still nothing out of the ordinary, starting to forget to do these entries as well since nothing out of the ordinary is really taking place. I'm getting that feeling that Kiara is busy with something more and more often, she seems to 'need' me less and less and although she's willing to respond they're infrequent as though she's occupied.

 

I'm a little worried, although I know we can't really go backwards from here I can tell we've slowed down a lot, imposition works a bit from time to time but barely.

 

Oh and I've let my parents know, they've been surprisingly accepting of it and my Mum was actually considering doing it as well, I don't know if she fully understands though, I feel their support will help us though.

End of 4/12

[Tyrane]

Day Twenty-Eight

It feels like the last two weeks have slipped out from under me, it became a blur of the same day and the same feelings from Kiara mentioned before: She was either out of it, concentrated on something or she was depressed about lack of progress and ability.

 

However in the last two days someone gave me some advice which seemed to touch base with Kiara at least, since then my mind has felt less foggy and I can pick out what she wants me to hear far more easily. Although it's still generalities I was able to forward messages on between a mate of mine and this made us ecstatic.

 

I suppose this was that milestone we had been waiting for- if anyone has something like this and they're reading, DON'T BE IMPATIENT, it just makes it far more painful. (Exclusions to tulpae, Kiara worked very hard :3)

 

Oh and on top of this with help from Amadeus and V I managed to get a clear sketch of Kiara which was a great help, thanks again guys.

Start of 21/12

[Tyrane]

Day Thirty

Now we've been able to communicate more confidently and clearly some points are covered between us. Anyway today there was a weird moment when I was reading some Spanish, I could hear her mindvoice say almost jokingly "It's a bit of a dirty language, don't you think?"

 

I thought this was odd and I'm still not really sure how to respond.

 

However it was one of the clearest statements I've gotten in the last week, which shows me a few things:

-We've reached a comfortable level of patience and accepted growth

-She feels ready, and she's trying to be as clear as possible to move on

-She's trying to convince me of her maturity, (the stability and odd humor she was capable of) and that I don't need to worry about her developing further

 

Last note, just talking with a friend now she seems to slip thoughts in as I am typing, (she has become something independent of my initially designated personality for her) I'm enjoying this.

 

End of 23/12

[Tyrane]

Day Thirty One

So Christmas is tomorrow, I'm going to get the best rest I can tonight since it'll be intense and I want to see if I can last into the night to go for another walk. It'll be a long stretch but it's a special occasion, I owe it to Kiara for the week and a half of solitude.

 

So because of all this we're both a bit excited, I think I'm more worried than her due to the expected stress and tension I'm going to be exerting on myself. Regardless that's not the biggest worry ._.

 

Yesterday for a moment Kiara brung somebody up: Fate.

This is what I'd like to view as a tulpa I was developing before I knew what they were, I assumed his existence and his capabilities and they seemed to grow, I didn't treat it as such at the time however and I knew nothing of imposition. I didn't tell people because I would seem paranoid and I didn't have much to base it on, since Kiara was developing at first I was considering to continue Fate, but that motive had dissolved and I forgot him almost completely.

 

I wonder if the trigger was a dream, or the faint whisper of his I can hear occasionally (followed by somewhat of a menacing laugh) but both Kiara and I are worried. We've agreed we can handle another tulpa, and Fate would be perfect (given his silent, watchful nature) but not yet, we need to ease into it, we need to know more, we need time.

 

End of 24/12

[Tyrane]

Day Thirty Two

So today was exhausting, fun, but exhausting.

 

Since I came across at least five or so different pets today and Kiara was eager to focus on what I was looking at, I tried to let her see through me. So basically I sort of reassure her I don't mind and focus on something, then loosen up, for a moment I zone out and I'm sort of spectating but when I come back people/animals are aware I was 'gone' for a moment. I doubt this is switching or possession but it's interesting, almost immediately any pet even if I stare at them casually looks away.

 

Regardless I tried to go for a walk and it's not the same at 10PM on Christmas. At least I'm making a point for Kiara and I feel more comfortable taking them again.

 

It was awkward zoning out during conversations between family, to me it was just focusing on speaking with someone else and to them I was staring into space, there were many times where I was tempted to tell people about it but I don't know if I could.

 

Regardless, today I was more outgoing and people seemed to like it.

End of 25/12

 

P.S. Fate has comfortably made his way into our conversations, I don't feel comfortable with his influence on Kiara but I think they're aware.

[Tyrane]

Day Thirty Three

Today we went out again, more family and this time there were lots of little kids. While we were sitting around tired after yesterday I spent lots of time talking with Kiara or letting her examine things around us to practice, it's feeling more natural and easier to communicate with her, at times she can speak in a distinguishable mindvoice which is great.

 

Anyway today she said something which hit me pretty hard, she wants to have a baby. I didn't really have time to brace for it or anything, we were watching kids playing and running up to their parents and it hit us both at the same time for the first time. Of course there is a part of me that feels the same way but every time we begin to branch of we result in 'Yeah, but we're not mature enough yet'

 

However she's sensitive about this, every time we think about it I feel strong senses of joy and excitement rush through me even though I don't think we should yet.

 

On a separate note Fate didn't really chime in today, he's reverting back to his silent watchful nature which we're both comfortable and glad about, he worries me slightly but I'm glad we're not ignoring him anymore. Regardless I feel since the communication milestone we're starting to snowball, and I can accept her as a real person in my life now.

End of 26/12

[Tyrane]

Day Forty Two

So now me and Kiara are having sort of interesting conversations, as I play things I don't need to concentrate completely me and her seem to talk freely amongst ourselves and eventually reach a realization or two that get us excited and overwhelmed.

 

I've been able to talk with people about various things and Kiara has been able to become more mature over the last few days, and ease up on the idea of having a child. It relieves me that now she's gone back to her origional practical nature and shook off the emotional wave. Anyway, shes interested in different things now.

 

As I was saying she's back to her initial practical interests, she wants to better the both of us at this point, earlier today she wanted me to talk to a friend about watching new materials, it was sort of strange because I had to discuss the whole thing since I couldn't put it into words, she was simply giving me feelings and memories I've experienced in my past and saying 'More of this.'

 

I think she knows there's a technique that they can utilize I'm not able to, I'm willing to fuel this and looking forward to where it goes. Her growth seems to be stunted whenever I'm tired or exhausted. She desperately wants to avoid this and encouraged the other day to maintain a calm, cool, clean feeling to maximise our efficiency learning and developing.

 

That's about it so far.

End of 5/01

[Tyrane]

Day 1144

It doesn't feel like any time has passed right now, but I remember it pretty clearly.

 

I don't know how to describe any form of identity in my head at this point, I believe I'm just self-concious or defensive about it - but if I try to commit any thought about it I simply don't know how to explain who is who or what I've done, it's been that way for the majority of the last while now.

 

I think Kiara is still there now, but I can't tell anyone apart, I remember some of her images. But I believe on the most part that people aren't individual, you form a stable/consistent enough sense of an individual through different processes or experiments and that largely consists of constructing and demolishing parts or entire identities based on all sorts of things - I think 'people' are changing and are, if they let themselves be: more than one at a time

 

So there are initial impressions like 'me, Fate, Kiara, etc.'

But it's more like we're muddles of personalities that have severe/particular dislikes and likes of each other who have constant conflicts about everything and anything. The only one that makes clear decisions I suppose would be 'me', the one who I like to think as similar to someone with minor OCD; it's not that other people are incapable of being so tedious and sticking to strict and needless rules of cleanliness, it's just better that way and there's no need for them to force him out of a well-earned position like that.

 

So that leads to an issue I've had building up for a little while now... There are 'so many of us' with all of our little issues and thoughts that we struggle to talk them out. Some of our morals aren't exactly proper, and there is constant conflict

There is too much to talk to people about, and I'm convinced too much of it is irrelevant, but I know there is a small margin there which is critical to my condition and those around me

 

I can't be careless, but that's all I ever seem to be encouraged towards. My methods so far are inadequate.

End of 13/01