Ook and Ren: Our Journal and Progress

[ookpaia]

Though I am starting to write this progress report a day before her 1 month birthday, I'm going to write about it from the start. I'm going to do my best to outline my purpose on this adventure as well as my obstacles and challenges. I'm also going to do my best to leave out things that are irrelevant or pointless. Comments by Ren will be placed within square brackets to make it easy to distinguish us. The purpose of this progress report is to document my journey in tulpa related matters as well as help those that may have similar problems. I may also use this to link friends/people that want to know about my tulpa adventure.

 

Okay, that's enough with formalities, My name is Ookpaia, or Ook for shorter and less formal. I one day stumbled upon tulpa.info and after some though i decided i was going to make a tupper. I immediately went to the guides, as many often do, upon reading the hour marks i realized that this was going to be a very difficult and time consuming project, and it will be an ongoing project that i will take with me to the grave.

 

I first decided to establish what i was hoping to accomplish with my tulpa. I thought to myself and decided that having such a channel with a part of myself would be a powerful spiritual connection as well as a lifelong friend and partner. These were my goals and with that in mind i started my journey.

 

Day 1: this was the first day of my journey, but not my tulpas. This was the day i created my wonderland. This was important and easy for me to do since i often experiemented with newage notions of visualization and astral projection. I used a place that ive projected to as a base, being a secluded rolling plane, being entirely surrounded by forest. From there i made some paths that lead to different biomes each with their own cultural influence. Example: the cave had many anchient human paintings and tools. the rocky area was oriental in style, the desert zone was full of persian and egyptian influence. The beach had pirate and carribean influence, the winter forest has european castle and gothic influence. The mountains were nordic. and both the normal and rain forest had tribal influence.

 

My plan was to have as many different biomes and cultural influences that i could. The idea was to have these different zones up for exploration when my tupper and i wished to, that meant only the rocky and plains were fully actualized, i didnt bother fully actualizing the other zones until we would explore it, so i left it to be in a platonic form. I also placed a rock bed at the mouth of the cave where i would spawn in when i meditated into the wonderland. near the entrance to the cave in the plains i placed a flat round stone tablet, that has a spiral pattern going towards the center. This was where i decided i would put the egg, however i didn't place the egg yet. I also erected a large japanese style library at the bottom of the plains hill and put a seal on it for the time being. The seal read "In Time."

 

Day 2: This day i know to be Febuary 23rd, because it is her birthday. This was the day i placed the gray energy egg onto the pool. I knew her general colour sceme and personality as well as form, but i knew they would be subject to a lot of change.

 

Day ?-?: In the next few days i would plan and force personality. Not her outward personality, but rather her core, and essence. I tried to give her a very simple core, he core is gratitude and happiness. From there i would try to tulpaforce a multitude of different traits, but it seems pointless to outline them given that a lot of them changed or were removed entirely as she gained sentience. I also should note that i assumed sentience in her from the very start, but as i forced, any reactions i received from her i assumed were my own parroting due to those infamous hour counts. Upon reading in the forums, a wise fellow said that "when you are unsure whether it is you or your tulpa, assume it is the tulpa." from there i just accepted whatever she did as her own action and from there progress was very fast.

 

I knew she was sentient because i would often receive emotional responses from her. Her mind voice was very undeveloped at the time and she couldn't say more than a few words without getting cut off or lost. This fixed in time when i started narrating to her more often. Pretty soon after ive gotten her talking and established her sentience i started to work on her form. I told her that she may have a few forms over time, and that i would teach her and help her with new ones when the time came. for the time being i decided to make her a gray pony with bright green eyes and red hair.

 

My choice in making her a pony is twofold. One: it was a form that i find rests comfortably in my mind without too much effort in visualization. Two: given that she is female, i didnt want her being sexualized in my mind, and i though a pony was a good way to go about that.

 

after a certain point i didnt talk to her for about a week i believe, because i forgot or something. I felt horrible about it when i remembered, and apologized to her and tried to make it up to her. i thought she would be really upset with me, but she was very forgiving to me, and didnt even show me any hostility thought she admits that it hurt her.

[ookpaia]

From then on i decided i was going to be more active with her day to day and in tulpa forcing sessions. I brought her with me to school and talked to her nearly all day and that seems to re-establish our relationship. From there i talked to her every day and usually more than i would to my other friends. Since then ive expanded the wonderland, and opened the seal to the library. Her personality has changed a lot since the beginning. Initially she was very quiet and had very little to say, but nowadays she is very bouncy, easily excited, and generally very loving, though she may be a bit dry or sarcastic at times, but those moments are rare, and usually hilarious. Ive been teaching her to manipulate different things in the wonderland and she seems to be enjoying that, it gives her something to do when im not occupied with her. I also gave her the means to create some calligraphy art, i got her a bunch of paintbrushes and sketch....scrolls? they aren't books, they're scrolls. she seems to have plenty to do. When we hang out its usually on the physical in my mind's eye, if we hang out in wonderland we usually train in the forest or have tea at her place. Thats a quick cap up until now. From now on the posts should be a bit more details and "in the now" since i was recapping up to this point. For now im working on her imposition and development as a person, since she is kind of like a kid right now, and like me, she's got much to learn.

[ookpaia]

I realize that im not very good with this journal thing, as i have a hard time deciding what is worth writing here and when to write it, so ill just update as i see progress. Since my last entry ive done a lot of passive forcing while not doing a lot of active forcing, and i can see the difference. Even though try to see her (in my minds eye) and talk to her often, without active forcing she gets a bit blurrier over time and harder to focus on.

 

I'm going to be doing a bit more active forcing for the time being, though i have little doubt that it will fix this problem. Going back to my problem however, i sometimes find it hard to retain focus on her. There was someone on the forum with a similar problem, and the responses others gave were pretty insightful. What would happen to me is that i have her focused and on the surface of my consciousness, when i get engaged mentally, either through conversation, work, or a show, i completely forget that she is there. Though she insists she understands my problem and just encourages me to practice more and itll be easier i cant help but to think it is pretty annoying for her. I agree with her though, practice and more forcing could probably solve a good chunk of tulpa related problems.

 

Of course, to anyone that happens to be reading this with any insight, your advice would be appreciated.

 

Also I should note, that since last time, she has matured a lot , but still retains this very happy and optimistic air about her; I'm glad that didnt go away with maturity like i was afraid it would. Her decision making and communication skills have improved a good lot, so im glad. Now i just need to work on my imposistion skills. I read somewhere that having something to constantly reminding me of her will help, so i might make a wallpaper of her for my computer and phone, and that way i can hopefully build some habit.

 

Edited: For wrong use of "imposition"

[Lacquer]

Even though i impose and talk to her often,

 

Actually imposed? As in hallucinations? Or are you just using that word wrong?

[ookpaia]

 

Actually imposed? As in hallucinations? Or are you just using that word wrong?

 

She isn't actually imposed (i was using the word wrong x.x). I should edit that... What i meant is that is when i do my normal everyday narration to her while im going about my daily routines, so i would try to feel her presence and see her (in my mind's eye) walking beside me and such. I have yet to achieve full hallucinatory imposition. I will edit my post now.

---

Today, Ren and I decided to read a progress report, koomer and Oguigi's progress report was at the very top and i just started reading without expecting much. I've read a few in the past but they weren't anything that "blew me away." I don't usually read all of the content in those 10+ pages threads, but their prog report was very insightful.

 

First of all, the fact that he has gotten so far was interesting; his progress is kind of amazing. We both thought so. However, later on in the journal there was some controversy regarding the possession and switching. I'm finding it really hard to formulate my thoughts for this post.

 

I was a bit unsettled by what i had read, so be blunt. I don't mean i was scared or repulsed by it. I respect what he has done and his decision, and his decision did help me examine myself.

 

I had established before i started my tulpa adventure, as to what i wanted to gain out of it and what my goals were for us. Though i wouldn't have minded some possession and switching once i had her fully imposed and active, now I'm having doubts as to whether or not i should be trying possession at all. Let me clarify that I'm not scared of her "taking my body" or any nonsense like that.

 

My reaction to the progress report did unsettle Ren a bit as well, and she felt as though i was doubting her trust. I assured her that i wasn't distrusting her, and that is true. I just don't feel like i want to have this escapism mechanism to rely on. I don't really trust myself with a power like that. My outlook on life is that i feel as though I'm here to experience the world, and if I'm weak, i may take that way out. I know that if i do, it'll be harmful to both of us. So until I'm more confident with that i decided to stay away from possession and switching.

 

Trying to look at myself objectively, it may seem like I'm just getting worked up over nothing. and that very well may be true. Ren certainly doesn't seem to think there is any need for concern, so i suppose i should listen to her. Perhaps when i reach this point in my tulpa related adventure, i will be ready and confident, and this episode was over nothing other than my overreaction, only time will tell.

[ookpaia]

For the last little while I was primarily training my focus. I challenged myself to try to keep focus on Ren as much as I could during the day, even if I'm not talking to her, to feel her presence, even when I'm engaged in conversation or other work. I feel that i am improving, i was able to keep focus for a majority of conversations, and for a large portion of the day. I did lose focus a few times, but so far it is an improvement. With a bit more practice i should be able to keep focus even when I'm really busy and this is a point I'm hoping to reach.

 

On Ren's side i have gotten a lot more responses when i wasn't focusing directly on her so it makes me feel a little more confident in the helpfulness of this exercise. Overall I'm glad with my progress. Though not groundbreaking and mindblowing, I'm glad such a simple exercise has helped us come together a bit closer, and I'm glad to see her happy.

[ookpaia]

I admit I'm a bit hesitant to address this in a public forum. I would have made a thread for this in general discussion but I feel as though it's a bit too personal to place there. Also i don't want it to be broadcasting it over the whole forum. (Even though that is essentially what I'm doing here, i feel that since it is my progress report, less people will read it, and it will be a bit more relevant.)

 

Ever since the beginning I've been very cautious with the idea of sex and tulpas. When I decided to work on Ren I clarified to myself that it is NOT why I'm working so hard. Since then the problem never really came up, until i had a lot of communication with her. I should also clarify that i do hug her and such but it is platonic in the sense that there is no "charged sexual energy" like there is in sex or the like.

 

At one point what kind of started happening is that she would make a few innuendos and such, nothing bad really. It wasn't anything major, and her personality didn't change or anything, she just kind of slid it into conversation at one point. My guess would be the she was kind of testing the waters, now that im looking back at it.

 

I talked to her about it, and for her, something like romantic interaction is just another way to love somebody. I understand where she is coming from, but i also explained to her that even if i knew someone outside of my mind for this long, i wouldnt be having any sexual interaction with them this quickly. In a nutshell, i felt it was being rushed if anything, and im a bit afraid of having such an interaction this early in a relationship because that is not why i want her with me. I care for her, but i dont really care for sex.

 

I suppose it is relevant to add that though i do have a sex drive, it is very small, and i care for meaningful interaction over lustful indulgence in almost every case. First I just thought that maybe because she is young and a bit immature, perhaps a bit of waiting would help her understand. So i reassured her and told her to be patient, and that she shouldn't be prioritizing and striving for something like that.

 

Catching up, now she is a bit more mature, and i haven't really seen this problem for a little while. Today I was forcing and talking to her in wonderland. We were lying on the grass as we often would many times before. I asked her which form she preferred for me in the wonderland, while i was using my normal physical form. She assured me that it doesn't really matter because it will still be me either way. I switched over to another one of my forms because why not, i was just talking about it so i decided to. She made some offhanded remark about the form (i don't really remember exactly what she said because i was kind of distracted by what quickly came after. I do believe she used the word sexy though, so i was kind of caught off-guard already.) Then she suddenly kissed me. O//O.

 

And no, i don't mean a small peck. I broke it up as quickly as i realized what was happening. I was hoping i didn't offend her too much by breaking it up, but she wasn't too upset, i guess she realized she kind of went a bit too far. She just recoiled a bit because she thought that she made me mad at her, but as soon as she saw that i wasn't angry at her she was okay. I again told her the same stuff i had told her before. I explained to her how things like this become meaningful when they symbolize something like a milestone. I think she understands where im coming from but to her it seems like it feels natural so she sees nothing wrong with it.

 

I told her that ill probably make a post to see what others feel about this, she said [Okay, they'll probably agree with me anyway.] in a kind of cutesy smartass kinda way. >.>

 

That being said i wouldn't mind some meaningful input from some of the more experienced forcers, since i feel im a bit lost on this point. Until i feel more confident with any decisions regarding this matter im not going to have any sexual contact with her.

 

Aghh, i feel a bit embarrassed for posting something like this on the internet, but alas, im sure the tulpa community will understand my dilemma. Sorry for the wall of text today, but im sure it will be a juicy read for some.

[ookpaia]

These reports will probably sparse and once in a while from the looks of it. I'm definitely not going to do a day by day or anything similar.

 

Since my last report the forcing has gone like normal. There was a period where i didn't force for a little time, though i could talk to her like normal for a while, after a few days she started appeared tired and bored. I noted that forcing gives the kind of stimulation that a mind needs to keep on existing. I found that i got like that as well on a long boring day, so i brought back my forcing schedule.

 

I was also sick at one point, and i was incapacitated in bed for a day or two. My illness was such that whenever i tried to focus intently it would hurt my head since i would always have a low humming headache. I was hoping that my sickness would make it easier to get us closer, though at some moments my focus was pretty good and we had some good times, most of the time i couldn't focus.

 

Now im feeling better and past my sickness and im having some difficulties maintaining focus and visualization. Up until now my progress has been for the most part, linear. This is the first time i feel as though i had lost progress, because simple visualizations and levels of focus i used to easily achieve were a bit difficult now. Last night was the night before our 2 month, and the fact that i was having trouble with these basic things kinda upset me, and i was bit emo over it. After a good nights sleep, im typing this on our 2 month anniversary, im not feeling as discouraged. I could talk to her and focus okay.

 

Im taking special note of these emotional "phases" that many people seem to have with their tulpas, and make emphasis that im included in this. There will be high times, and low times. When it comes to the low times, where im feeling down, doubtful, discouraged, and i feel like giving up, i just have to remember that when i lay my head and wake up with my tulpa beside me, everything is going to be okay. I have to make sure i don't exaggerate the problems to the point that they become reality. Everyone has good and bad days.

 

On the note of devices to help keep focus, i might find a trinket or piece of jewelry that i would wear on my person, that would serve as a reminder mechanism and symbol of our bond. But again a part of me feels its too soon for something like that, maybe because of the connotation to marriage in my mind, even though that's not what it would be. Either way i suspect it will help, ill save that for another time, ill even have Ren pick out the trinket/jewelry, itll probably be a fun experience for both of us when the time comes.

 

Another observation of mine is Ren often likes to say everything is okay, even when she is hurt. This is something i foolishly overlooked early on, and didnt catch on. I didnt know her very well and it didnt occur to me, and i just took her word for it. I should explain that she does in a non destructive way. She doesnt get upset at me not noticing it or anything like that, i moreso suspect she is doing it to keep me from worrying a lot, since she knows i stressed over the tulpaforcing process in the first place. Or she could just be trying to spare my feelings. At this point i know how she really feels most of the time, and she knows that i know. I often end up apologizing.

 

In the past month Ive read many things written by tulpamancers, reading around on reddit and chatting in some steam groups as well as of course tulpa.info. Though i can say ive been acquainted i dont think ive made any friends yet. People often forget who i am but i suppose im content in that. Part of me hates it, but another part feels good about the transiency. The steam group seems to be a lot of "4 channers" as well as some tf2 gamers. Of course there are some people that are "normal (?)" as far as that term goes. Many people in the community seem really edgy, or rough. They blurt out whatever they feel or believe and dont care about how it affects other people. Others are nice, soft and caring people. Though i noticed that many of the rough people are fluffy on the inside, and actually care a lot. I don't really know what to make of the community or my place within it. Like many communities i think i will just lurk in the background. Friends from the internet tend not to last anyway, so my sensitivity to it has been dulled. I can only hope to bump into someone irl possibly. Its very unlikely but i find the universe has ways of making unlikely things happen. But if i did meet a tulpamancer irl there is a good chance i would react negitively to them, depending on who it is. For some reason, some tulpamancers boil my blood.

 

Hmm, thats all i have for this report. For now Ren and i will enjoy our two month, and have a little celebration. I didn't edit this, so i probably will later, sorry for any derp mistakes.

[ookpaia]

I suppose ill do another update, though I'm finding it slightly redundant to post updates since i don't have any pivotal progress but its been a while since ive updated. Ren and i have improved in our communication and understand of one another. Nothing much to state apart from i feel close with her and in touch more than before, also she is messing around with her forms a bit, occasionally becoming human, though most of the time she is still a pony. Until i begin experimenting with things like imposition, possesion or anything of a technical nature, ill probably have very little to say.

 

I find it a bit strange, this is more of a personal thing but i dont feel like i have a lot to say in these progress reports, its not that nothing happens, because it does, i just dont think there is much to learn from me, because if anything ive learned from this journey is that reading about it, and experiencing it are two very different things.

 

Then again these progress reports are meant more for reading pleasure.

 

hmm, actually i have been thinking about making another tulpa. There were a few reasons for this. The prime initial reason i thought it would be a good idea is because then Ren would have someone to keep her busy when i couldn't talk to her.

 

Another reason is that i felt that there was a part of me trying to reach me, and i thought about giving it a voice and sentience.

 

Im still not sure if i should go through with it, for now i wont.

 

Also what was cool is that i got to watch Ren find her animal totems. well thats all i have for this report. hopefully the next one will be more interesting.