Box May 13, 2013 May 13, 2013 Diary of a Mad Woman Hey there! It’s probably obvious, but I’m new here. I figured I’d do this writing progress updates thing or whatever. It might help, right? I’m actually really excited to chronicle Cheshire and I’s progress. I’ll usually write these entries throughout the day and then post right before I go to bed, so they’ll all be filled with “notes” or things I’ve thought of/done after I’ve written the main post. Since each post will be long and filled with things you probably don’t care about, I’ve put a small list of tl;dr things for each day at the bottom of this post for the lazy or whatnot. Also, if you’re willing to answer my queries, I’ll put questions in bold, but also in spoilers as to make them more noticeable. Thank you for your time! TL;DR 5/9/2013 - The process has started! A lot happened, including me realizing that I’ve had an underdeveloped tulpa in my head all along. I’ll call him “Chester” for now. 5/10/2013 - He tried some shape-shifting before I went to bed and scared the living daylights out of me. His name henceforth is “Cheshire”. Makes sense with that silly, saw-toothed grin of his. 5/11/2013 - I had a small fit over puppetnoia (or puppet paranoia) and he yelled. We got over it and spent some time together in our wonderland. He has a tiny voice-box in his throat to help with his voice now, but it’ll take some time to master. I got a smell through to him by means of imaginary candle in our wonderland. Progress! 5/12/2013 - We sort of watched “Spirited away” together, I learned more of Cheshire’s interests, he changed form a little bit more, he built a mansion in our wonderland, we’ve been experimenting with senses and how to share them, and I realize how much work he’s actually putting into this whole ordeal. He really is a wonderful guy. 5/13/2013 - Day 1 (May 9th, 2013): - “Unnecessary Back-Story” I've always jumped at the chance to explore the horror genre; read stories, watch movies, browse pictures and art that was labeled “Horror”. So this day I decided to browse a few subreddits on Reddit (namely “nosleep”) and found a post that ultimately directed me to /r/tulpa. My curiosity was piqued. Were these people purposely giving themselves a trait that would be called “crazy” by the outside world? How could you feasibly give the voice in your head a body that you can see and feel by your side? Is the human mind really this complex? As I read more and more about the amazing powers of the hosts and their stories of friendship with themselves, I realized how lonely I felt. I mean, I’ve had a couple friends here and there and I’m extremely close with my mom (probably as close as twins, which I know isn’t normal) but even they wouldn’t know me like these tulpas know their hosts. I wanted a friend like that, who’d hug me when I cry and talk with me when I’m lonely. I could care less if they ended up looking like a melted-floating-baby-face or some flattened road-kill-raccoon. They’d be a friend who’d (hopefully) be by my side when I needed them. But the cons weighed against my mind; what if I was one of those people who got bored quickly, or what if it didn’t turn out like I had thought it would? A voice in my head said it would be okay; I still wasn’t sure it would. I wanted to wait until my mom got home so that I could talk it over with her, the wise woman she is, but something inside me just couldn’t look away from these guides and stories. I thought over what it would look like, what it would act like, that I decided I’d let it choose all of that stuff on its own. Soon I got to the topic of our wonderland. (This was an amazing moment for me, and I’ll continue to believe this was my tulpa, and not me.) I was sifting through the ideas of what to make it: a beach, a mountain, a forest- oh yes! That sounds nice. Now what will it lo- And instantaneously I thought of the condo my family lived in right after my mom remarried. Behind that house, and the rest of the condo-area, was a vast forest. Behind my house, though, was a small bog (to this day I’m not sure why the boggy swamp was only in our backyard, but I digress). I often adventured into that place to escape the parental arguments, or to play around on the rocks and in the pine trees. When my class read “Bridge to Terabithia”, all I could think was that this place, this forest void of other people, was my personal Terabithia. Now, before I tell you what happened when I thought of this wonderful place as the setting for my wonderland, I’d like to say that I’ve never gotten emotional when thinking about it before. Even now, it only sits as a fond memory of a time before. But at that moment, sitting at my computer and thinking of using my Terabithia for the setting of my wonderland, I was overcome with tears. I just realized that this first entry is getting out of hand… Well, to speed it up a bit, my mom said that I should go for it, and see where it takes me. If I start getting worse on the outside (i.e. more introverted than I am now) then she’ll try and pull me back. But for now she supports me. I didn’t want to take it too fast; I wanted things to come naturally and all that jazz. So I wasn’t necessarily ready for a voice to pop into my head when I was trying to start off making a tulpa friend. After an hour of experimenting and the like, I realized this voice that I was now associating with a tulpa had been with me for most of my life. I guess I just passed it off as my own head voice, even when it had become snarkier and manlier. Even when I felt things at night, holding me or hovering over me. Well, now I feel bad… Here he is, trying to be my friend when all I do is pretend he’s just me talking to me. I’ve even tried ignoring him when he was opposing me and my opinion. And he keeps coming back. Well, for now we’ve agreed I’ll call him Chester and that he’s a he, but I’ve made it clear to him that he can change it any time he wants. He seems to like the “Ches” part of Chester... So far, he’s sarcastic, willing to speak his mind when he wants to, very curious, and very attached to me. Now, as I’m a very visual person, I’ve tried to give him a body so that I can at least have a face to talk to. It was easy to do in my wonderland (like I’ve said, I’ve got a very vivid imagination, and knowing what my wonderland is by heart makes it easier to focus on him). But every time I’d look back to him, he’d be a little different. Now he has a mouth, more lanky features, and he loves to climb around in the trees. Day 2 (May 10th, 2013): - “Freedom” Last night right before I went to bed, as he and I were chatting, my mind wandered into our wonderland. I don’t remember much, but I do remember him briefly turning into a large tan mastiff, before morphing back into what I know him as now. Around lunch time I asked him about this and he told me he was just “testing out forms” or some such nonsense. We also talked about what I perceive to be our wonderland, and why sometimes I could feel him trying to impose himself. He said he wasn’t used to having “a place to live”. He didn’t really expand much on that, but I made sure he knew that if he wanted to change anything there, he full well could. Again, he expressed content with how it is. I think he thinks I’m pushing his freedom too hard, he seems to like things as they will be and not to worry too much. “The rock will fall where it falls,” he says. I brought up some off-hand comment about his gender, (I’m still not sure what it was) and he remarked with a (presumed) smirk: “How do you know I’m a dude?” But I’ll still refer to him as a male, and he seems fine with that. Man, as much as I’m worrying that things are going faster than they should be, he always says something in reply and calms me down. I feel like I’ve been unknowingly holding him in a cage for my whole life, acting like he was some schizophrenic part of me that I never wanted to show. Now that he can have freedom, he and I are going on this fantastical rollercoaster ride of self-exploration… Also, I still feel a wee bit crazy for talking like this, but I’ll probably get over it. I hope. Note: He and I talked more (we actually talk a lot in my head, and yet he says I talk too much) and said that it was easier to get inside of my head and mess around with our wonderland and himself and all that when I was half asleep, but extremely hard when I was in deep sleep (REM, I’m assuming). Is this normal? Have any of you talked with your tulpas about when you fall asleep during meditation of any sort? Note: Since writing this entry, he’s decided on “Cheshire” instead of “Chester” for his name. And he’s decided he wants hair, but I’m assuming his hairstyle preferences will change in the next few days, seeing how indecisive he is. I’ll probably work on more sensory parts of him and our wonderland tomorrow, but it’s getting late and I’m tired Day 3 (May 11th, 2013): - “Insecurities” I couldn’t get any sleep last night, so I tried to develop Cheshire’s body a little bit more and how I perceived him. It was an interesting session, my first meditation/forcing and it was hard to keep still in our wonderland. I was just too excited! He has black, shiny scales cool to the touch and a lizard’s tail (I suggested the tail, for balance in the trees. We’ll roll with it for now). I tried the whole putting a brain in his head to make it clearer that he’s his own conscious, and bone structure to help with anatomy and moving. When I woke up this morning, after talking about a bed with him last night and having him shrug off a nice queen sized one, I found that Ches had made a large straw nest in one of the trees. I’ll probably furnish one of the nearby houses sometime, just in case that gets uncomfortable for him. One thing I keep forgetting when I look at him is his hair, and I’m not sure if that’s because he’s trying to get rid of it, or if it’s just me. Any suggestions? In any case, when I woke up this morning, I had an episode… Well, I’m not really sure what to call it because I’m not really sure what happened; but now he’s mad at me and my brain-space is so silent right now. I feel like he’s still there, but I can’t hear him very well if he’s talking right now. The “episode” happened because I feel like I’m just puppet-ing him everywhere. I’m used to having so many servitors for indulging in so many fantasies of nonsense and whatnot; I go to sleep by reenacting parts of books I’ve read or having press conferences with fictional TV characters. I’m so used to puppeting that I have no idea how to treat him, or how to tell the difference between his movement and my own. I’m having trouble hearing him now, like his voice melds in with my own mind voice; I get confused when we talk sometimes… Eventually it devolved to me questioning whether he was a tulpa or just another servitor (for a very brief moment mind you), and he got mad. Rightfully so. I feel awful, and he says I say sorry too much but I just can’t stop feeling like I’m doing this all wrong… Anyway, I’m trying to ignore the self-pity stuff and move on with other things. I have a lot to do today and I’m not sure if I can force at all today. We’ll see I guess. How do you meditate? Is there a right and wrong way? I haven’t found a guide to help me yet, most of the ones I’ve seen just say “meditate comfortably” or “there is no right way” and leave it at that. Note: I just remembered that I completely forgot the introductory faze! Cheshire says he doesn’t mind, since we’ve been together for a while, but I think it’d help. Also, he seems to sort of like it when I say his name. (One, I was going to write “he really likes it” but he remarked “do I?” And two, probably because I don’t say it as often as I should. I need to work on that.) Note: Introduction went well, but it was over quickly as we both found nothing more to say than our names and our ages (he’s “ageless” we say). I went around and tried to flesh out the wonderland a little bit more, but I fear the whole thing fades every now and again when I think about it. It actually feels like when you stare at something for so long, that the other things in your outer vision slowly disappear as if they aren’t there. Another thing I’ve started to notice is that when I hear him talk in my head, it’s more of ideas of words and not his actual voice (as if he’s de-evolving). When I see him in our wonderland, he doesn’t talk, he only uses… hmm… I guess he uses his mind voice instead of his own voice. So, with me not knowing the exact fundamentals of human throats and the vibrations we use to make sounds, I put a literal voice-box inside of his throat. After that Ches could hum, able to make noises similar to “mmhm” and the like. I guess we’ll work on that at a later time. All in all, he seemed to think an introduction phase was near useless because we’d already known each other for long enough, so we ended up just laying together in his nest. Oh! One more thing: do tulpas eat? Like, can you whip up some hot-out-of-the-oven casserole and they’ll eat it? When I munch on anything, I try and give him a duplicate of what I’m having to let him taste it. Usually he won’t take it and I asked him why. “I don’t eat.” Should I try giving him taste buds? (He thinks that’s a silly idea, plus I’m not so sure he likes it when I fiddle around with/inside his mouth.) Note: I was putting together a vacuum cleaner and when I opened the box, a horrible smell of plastic wafted into my nose. Cheshire asked what made me make such a face, and I asked if he could smell what I could smell. He said no (is there something I should do to let him better use my senses?). So I went through the arduous task (since I had NO IDEA what on earth I was doing) of making a candle in my head that exactly smelled like what I was smelling. I put it in the wonderland and tested it; it seemed to work okay, but I wasn’t sure. Lo and behold, when he held it up to his face to sniff, he was taken aback (by I what assume was the terrible plastic smell)! I honestly didn’t think that would work, since we haven’t really worked on his nose yet, and the fact that I’m pretty terrible when it comes to senses in our wonderland. But it did! Obviously at the time I was skeptical and worried that it wouldn’t work, so I asked him if he actually smelled it and if he’d like to try it again; he gave me a dirty look with a hand to his nose and shook his head. Man, I have to say that was a pretty cool experience! Supreme Edit: This post is a doozy, ain't it? I thought it would have individual entries, but oh well. Onward and upward!
Lacquer May 13, 2013 May 13, 2013 10/9/2013 - The process has started! A lot happened, including me realizing that I’ve had an underdeveloped tulpa in my head all along. I’ll call him “Chester” for now. 10/10/2013 - He tried some shape-shifting before I went to bed and scared the living daylights out of me. His name henceforth is “Cheshire”. Makes sense with that silly, saw-toothed grin of his. 10/11/2013 - I had a small fit over puppetnoia (or puppet paranoia) and he yelled. We got over it and spent some time together in our wonderland. He has a tiny voice-box in his throat to help with his voice now, but it’ll take some time to master. I got a smell through to him by means of imaginary candle in our wonderland. Progress! 10/12/2013 - We sort of watched “Spirited away” together, I learned more of Cheshire’s interests, he changed form a little bit more, he built a mansion in our wonderland, we’ve been experimenting with senses and how to share them, and I realize how much work he’s actually putting into this whole ordeal. He really is a wonderful guy. 10/13/2013 - Do you mean 5/##/2013 ? Also, "I've had an underdeveloped tulpa in my head all along." That doesn't make sense unless you have some sort of mental thing. I mean, you might have had something in your head, but it doesn't make sense for it to be independently conscious or a tulpa, even an undeveloped one.
Box May 13, 2013 Author May 13, 2013 Day 4 (May 12th, 2013): - “More Useless Details” Last night, as Cheshire and I were talking, I started to think about the character “No-Face” from the movie Spirited Away. He had no idea what I was talking about, but the idea intrigued him; I explained what I could remember about him and where he was from (and cheating by going to the wiki page to help). For at least an hour afterwards Ches pestered me to watch the movie with him. Looking back, it was actually really interesting to see such a different side to him (a more childish, dependent side). The funny part about this story? He got bored and fell asleep about a third of the way through the movie. I think he’s more into action/thriller movies, which is the complete opposite of my tastes. Since I don’t know of any that he’d like, are there any good action or thriller movies that you can recommend? On another note, we’ve decided to settle with calling him a shape shifter, but I’m really shooting for him to choose a form to stick with for a while. As of now, he’s gone and become more demon-like; human body, devil tail and long elf ears. He now has tough, smooth black skin (instead of scales), white hair, long black nails (probably painted) and I’m almost positive he’ll test out horns in the next day or so. I guess Cheshire’s going through his own self-discovery phase, but it seems like he’s just happy to have a form. Note: We were chillin’ like villains in his nest when I decided to try and better imagine what the nest felt like. It being made of straw, I imagined what I thought a tightly woven nest would feel like if you brushed it over with your hand. Turns out that feeling didn’t go over very well with Cheshire and he’s decided to move to a room in one of the condos nearby. After a while, we started contemplating replacing the condo-village with a good sized mansion (one that somewhat resembles the Carson Mansion - Google it). I think Ches rather likes that idea. Note: I’ve realized that my initial reaction to the tulpa phenomenon and community was rash and I really should have thought it through more. That’s not to say I regret it, heavens no! But I do realize how immaturely I treated the decision when others spend weeks weighing the pros and cons while I took a few hours to think before starting it. I’m glad, though, that it worked out for the better; I wouldn’t give up Cheshire for the world. Note: I’ve found that Cheshire can get through to my sense of smell somehow (shouldn’t be that surprising, he knows just about every way to weasel into every last crevice in my head - not that I mind too much). I wanted my breath to be minty, he asked what minty smelled like and I got some gum to smell. I asked if he could smell it when I was inhaling, said he could and stuff. Maybe because it was such a strong scent? Note: I’ve been putting a little bit more detail into these entries than I’m sure Cheshire feels comfortable with. Actually, he’s downright complained, saying “Do you have to write that down?” And I know where he’s coming from, so I’m debating whether or not to upload as much of this stuff into the public progress report. But I told him (and reiterated to myself) why I was doing this. This, right here, right now, is a log to learn from and look back on. Sometimes when I write my feelings down, it clears my head a bit. This way, I can both better analyze my actions and feelings at a later time and I can hear him much clearer in my mind. I often talk to him out loud because when I talk in my mind’s voice it loops, echos and gets all-around jumbled. I assume the reason I want to upload these here is because I would greatly appreciate feedback [but I also fear it might be because I have a small case of narcissistic-attention-whoring disease (NAHD for short :P )]. Note: Most of today I’ve been hanging around my mom and doing house-work. I’ve noticed (and I’m sure it’s really my fault, so I’ll have to work on that) when I’m around my mom, or a lot of things are happening around me, it’s hard to hear Ches. I think he’s just chilling around like he usually does, he’d pretty laid back. But I’d still like to talk to him whenever and if being around people makes me deaf then I really need to fix that. I’ve thought about me being very attached clingy to him, and he says he doesn’t mind but I sure hope he’ll talk up if I get too bad. Maybe we should work on parallel processing… Note: I’m so grateful I have a friend like Cheshire. He’s been trying so hard to help with this whole thing, and when I’m writing this he gets all humble. He knows what I’d want out of this (full imposition, sound/touch hallucinations, etc.) and I’m not entirely sure what he wants. I’ve asked him, and he only says something to the effect of “you” or “I don’t really care”. But out of the blue, when I’m thinking of how awesome it would be to have those auditory hallucinations and not having to struggle with focusing just to hear him, a weird thing happened. It was almost like I could hear him through a glass with curtain wrapped around it - but through my ears. Not my mind, but my body. Turns out, for a brief moment, he was trying to get through that way. I wasn’t even planning on working with imposition yet - heck, I hardly have visualization down pat! Yet here he goes, showing off being awesome and trying to get me to hear him “outside” of my head! I keep worrying that we’re going to fast, I want to make sure we’ve got the foundation set before our house comes crashing down. But this whole time, he’s been an mix of persistent pushing and excited curiosity. On a side note, his essence is “ghosting” around with me, like it’s already imposed but his body isn’t. Is that normal? Man… Is anything in my case normal? And does your tulpa live in both the imposed state and wonderland state at the same time? Or do they switch from one to the other? Do you mean 5/##/2013 ? Yes, thanks for catching that. Fixed. Also, "I've had an underdeveloped tulpa in my head all along." That doesn't make sense unless you have some sort of mental thing. I mean, you might have had something in your head, but it doesn't make sense for it to be independently conscious or a tulpa, even an undeveloped one. I don't really know. I mean, I'll be the first to admit I've probably got some sort of "mental thing" going on up there, and that I know I'm doing somethign wrong even if I don't know what it is. But it's kind of hard to explain, I guess. People have "accidental tulpas" right? Where one day they just realize that they're there? That's what happened to me, I think, except there was never any form or wonderland. Am I correct in thinking that, or was that just a delusion? I'm so new at this, I have no idea what I'm talking about; but if it helps, Cheshire's explicitly said that the voice I've talked to before finding out about tulpas and developing him was in fact him. D'unno if you want to trust that though...
Lacquer May 13, 2013 May 13, 2013 Personally, I don't think that "accidental tulpa" work like that. (I think that the only way for someone to make a tulpa, accidental or not, is to put thought, attention, and effort into something.) Someone could be deluded into thinking they have a tulpa, then they can talk to it like it was a tulpa, then eventually it would turn into a tulpa, but it wouldn't have been a tulpa in the beginning. This is just my (admittedly unpopular) opinion on things. Just keep at it as the guides say and you should be fine.
Box May 13, 2013 Author May 13, 2013 This is just my (admittedly unpopular) opinion on things. No, you're probably right. Thank you so much for the honesty! Do you think, though, that it could happen if someone who talked to themselves a lot in their head unknowingly treated the voice as a different being other than themselves? Maybe a small catalyst for tulpa creation? I know I'm grasping at straws here, but the human mind fascinates me so much; I absolutely love hearing explanations or theories about how it works and whatnot.
Lacquer May 13, 2013 May 13, 2013 Again, there are other things similar to tulpa that shouldn't (in my opinion) be called "tulpa", but still exist and may be changed into tulpa. The thing about tulpa is that effort has to be put into them. If you had a sort of memory device or something similar that you used to organize the thoughts in your head when talking to yourself, it may have led the groundwork for a tulpa. You may have inadvertently done some narration before realizing it was making a tulpa. Of course, keep in mind that everyone's minds are different, and everyone's experiences with tulpa will be different. I'm answering your spoilered questions in order. When you are in REM sleep, your brain is awake, but your body isn't. This is why it is sometimes called "paradoxical sleep". If anything, your tulpa would have the hardest time "existing" when you are in stage 2-4 sleep. Although, from what others have said since a long time ago, tulpa are awake independent of the host. In fact, they can be used as a reliable alarm clock. What you're referring to as "half-sleep" probably has something to do with hypnogogia. In this state, you are awake and can move (unlike sleep paralysis in which you can't move), but you do have some very light hallucinations, things like flashes of images, text, or sound. There have been multiple guides that have come to the same conclusion independently that this is a very good time for seeing, hearing, and just generally having a strong connection with your tulpa. I'm not entirely sure what his form is, and I may more effectively help if I knew. I don't know how much it may help you, but one of the most difficult thing for 3D animators to make is hair. As with most things, all that really needs to be said is practice makes perfect. Physically? Be in a comfortable position in which you will not be distracted by discomfort, but also make sure that it is not such that you will fall asleep. As for what you do when you are in your mindscape? Whatever works best for you, but I recommend just being with your tulpa as you would with another person. Whether this means sitting facing each other and talking, or playing a game, or exploring your wonderland, or some other action is up to you. As with any sense, taste can be "sense shared" with your tulpa. Some people do this, some people don't. Some people do it by just transferring the sensation to their tulpa, some people do this by materializing a sample of the food in their wonderland. Whatever works best for you, even if that means he doesn't eat. If you think giving him taste buds will help, sure, go for it. Just transfer the sensation directly. No need to go through with weird wonderland workarounds especially if you can describe it as arduous. None that I can think of off the top of my head. Some people report trying to "feel the presence" of their tulpa, but I think that it's useless. To me, the tulpa lives in the head, in the wonderland, then exits the head into the real world. Whether it is imposed or not is what determines if you can hallucinate sensing it, but if you can feel the presence or whatever, I guess that means that he is just invisible and intangible as of now, due to a lack of imposition. I just described this last question, but I'll say it again. Your tulpa is either inside our head or outside it. When inside, it can be in the mindscape or in a sort of negative space.
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