Isle of Dreams - LLGyffes and Marissa

[LLGyffes]

Background:

Hello. I'm LLGyffes. New to this whole Tulpa business. When I was ten or so I'd picture Princess Zelda sitting next to me and talking me, but she was never sentient. Recently when I've come to make decisions I've noticed that there were two voices talking by themselves about it. They're more decision-making processes than personalities though, and they're both clearly me. So that's my background. Tulpa time!

 

11 May 2013 - Day 1

I am assuming sentience from Day 1. If I am not sure if something came from me, it didn't.

 

Started working on my first tulpa today. Got a pretty good list of personality traits for her to have. It's not yet complete, but it's enough for me to get started. Her name at the moment is Marissa. She will eventually have red hair, but currently I visualize her as a ball of light.

 

I do my forcing in my wonderland. It's a gently forested area with a river flowing gently through the middle. Three smooth stepping stones allow me to cross. The area is largely unexplored.

 

I spent about twenty minutes working on personality, primarily her outgoingness and assertiveness. During the process, there was a sort-of giggle that I am attributing to Marissa. Also, at one point her form was particularly vivid, almost as if I was actually looking at it.

 

Other than that, I did a little bit of narrating. It started out really awkward. I just couldn't think of anything to say. I shut her out completely whenever I use the bathroom. I got better at it near the end of the day though. I think she likes it when I sing to her. I'm also going to try reading to her tomorrow, though I'm not sure if she'd particularly enjoy hearing about nanotechnology.

 

I'll do more personality work tomorrow, and maybe start on her human form if that goes well.

 

12 May – Day 2

Beginning to have doubts. This whole Tulpa thing is starting to seem ridiculous, but I press on. I just have to remind myself that I shouldn't expect a fully sentient tulpa on day 2.

 

I spent about ten minutes in the morning doing personality forcing. I reinforced what I did yesterday briefly, then touched on her work ethic. She very much enjoys having fun, and goes all out while doing so, but her primary motivation is to make everyone happy and alive. She values hard work and can be dead serious when needed.

 

After this, I did twenty minutes of visualization. I added a shack to my wonderland. It's reminiscent of one of the ones from Seyda Neen in Morrowind. The inside is pretty bare for now. Just a rickety table with a couple chairs and a bed. Naturally, if Marissa turns out not to like it I'll expand, but I like simple, and I think she would too.

 

As far as visualizing her, I finally figured out what her face and hair look like, which had previously been eluding me. I also decided that she wears glasses, because I was visualizing her pouring over a dusty tome, and they were just perfect. Then I decided to focus on the bottoms of her feet until I have that solid.

 

More narrating. I read her a chapter from my nanotechnology book. It's a lot slower than reading to myself, but I also get a little more out of it. Maybe tomorrow I'll read her Star Wars: Shadow Hunter. Also sang to her some more. I really need to learn some songs that aren't hymns or Disney.

 

While grocery shopping, I got a bag of Fat Pills. I ate a few in my room, but then I started thinking that Marissa would be upset at me for eating so unhealthily. I ended throwing the bag away, which never happens with me.

 

I did more visualization in the evening. I was really tired though, and I kind of drifted off to sleep while visualizing. It was like that half-sleep thingy, and then right in the middle I hear Marissa laughing at me. It was kind of dream-like, so I actually heard it, if that makes sense. It was higher and more girly than I'd expected.

 

I think I'll give her more opportunities to speak while narrating. Just in case.

 

Note to self: It's spelled 'Marissa,' not 'Marrisa,' moron.

 

13 May 2013 – Day 3

 

So I was forcing over lunch and fretting over how much visualization I'm supposed to do, how to know when I'm done, etc. Then I had a 'flash' of something. I saw her leg so clearly I could reach out and trace the outline in front of me. From there, I realized a good test of my visualization skill.

 

I have a sufficiently developed image of her if I can draw her from any angle and in any position I choose merely by tracing out what I see. Note that I have absolutely no artistic talent. However, on my first try I was able to get a not unrecognizable foot onto my paper. Every weekend, I'll upload some of my sketches so you can see her progress.

 

And now when I visualize I have to try really hard to prevent her from looking like a line drawing. Guess I should've seen that coming.

 

Narrating continues to be hard. I'm just not a terribly talkative person. Sung to her some more. I also played some minimalist music for her. She seemed to like Grand Pianola Music by John Adams. I'm fairly confident it was her, because the wave of pleasure occurred during a part near the end that I don't particularly care for. Anyway, it's kind of disappointing that she's into minimalism. It's a cool genre and all, but I'm not singing her Einstein on the Beach. Ever.

 

Also, I'm beginning to suspect that she draws heavily from Marin from Link's Awakening.

 

Random observation: outlining my fanfic has gotten a lot easier since I've started tulpaforcing. Hey, maybe I could bounce ideas off her for narration.

[Lacquer]

Keep in mind the difference between "sentient" and "sapient". Any mammal is sentient, but only humans are sapient. You should probably assume sentience from beginning, but not sapience.

---

So I was forcing over lunch and fretting over how much visualization I'm supposed to do, how to know when I'm done, etc. Then I had a 'flash' of something. I saw her leg so clearly I could reach out and trace the outline in front of me. From there, I realized a good test of my visualization skill.

 

Hah, I also get "flashes" of things when I think about tulpas.

[LLGyffes]

Why do you say that?

[LLGyffes]

14 May 2013 - Day 4

Signed up for night classes today. Less time for forcing, but there's a heav on team projects, so I'll have a lot more to narrate about. Narration is becoming much less awkward. I still find myself without anything to say a lot of the time, but that's occurring less often. I just need to focus on narrating more to the point where it's constant.

 

She was looking much less like a line drawing today. I spent a couple hours drawing feet and toes, and I finally got something I'm happy with. From a purely technical standpoint, it's horrible in relation to other attempts, but I can say with 100% certainty that that is her toe.

 

I find myself much less averse to running errands now that I'm forcing. I used to view it as a waste of time to be avoided, but now I see it as an opportunity to work with Marissa. Which means I'll be able to cook myself a nice dinner and not feel guilty at all.

 

I'm starting to feel a little stifled. Before she's vocal, there's only so much I can do. Maybe I'll build some more in my dreamscape, or bring in objects and show them to her.

 

I was about to start wasting time in some way earlier, and I felt an uncharacteristic displeasure. I guess I can call that her, but feeling bad about wasting time is still something that I'm always doing. I'd feel much better if I got a reaction that I would never naturally feel.

 

'Marissa' is starting to sound wrong. I'll leave it though. If she wants to change it once she's vocal, that's her call.

 

Update: For the past two days, whenever I get into a really deep session, I start to feel a deep sorrow centered just below my ribcage. It is the same sort of sorrow that I get when I contemplate that in the end entropy will always win and the impossible flame of humanity be extinguished forever. No hypothesis about it, just think it's weird. I really hope it's not coming from her....

[LLGyffes]

15 May 2013 - Day 5

I slacked off today and did nothing save a few scant minutes of narration. I will make up for it tomorrow.

[LLGyffes]

16 May 2013 - Day 6

Woke up at 2:30 this morning. Wanted to go back to bed, but it felt as if Marissa were pulling on my arm to get me to do some work while I was awake. Managed to reorganize some things which will be useful.

 

This morning I formally apologized for neglecting her yesterday. I took her to a beach in wonderland, and basically did the initial greeting all over again. I promised that I believed in her, that I was excited to get to know her, and that we'd work together every day.

 

I did do much better today. Part of that was that I was finally back at work, where I mostly have absolutely nothing to do but narrate. I've noticed that narration has caused me to become much more aware of the beauty of my surroundings. I also enjoy music more deeply when narrating. Not much forcing today though because Star Trek.