Thirteen is my number!

[Gabriel]

OK, so first of all my name is R., and I'm 26.

I found out about tulpas on the 7th October (a Monday), when someone mentioned about the phenomenon somewhere out of context; they pointed me to tulpa.info and since then I've been lurking around.

I've read guides of all sorts and progress reports and decided to jump on board the following Sunday (the 13th - almost one week of consideration). So, on Sunday, I started by narrating a little and kept doing that for the subsequent days.

I didn't want to work on personality or form at the time, but for an outline I knew that I wanted him to be human and I knew that I wanted him to be a very benevolent and compassionate person, so I focused on that; and since I didn't want to influence on the form he was going to take, I just imagined an orb.

 

Later that week I decided to choose an appearance for him, because I was afraid he would be too comfortable as an orb and never change into human, and I also decided that he was going to be a sports person because I wanted him to encourage me to stop being lazy and do some sports.

So I made up a form by merging faces of people whom I admired, with faces of people I don't know and with my own face (using morphthing.com) on top of an athletic body; but it was really hard to visualize him that way (even though I'm a constant daydreamer and visualizing things isn't usually a problem), so I assumed he didn't like that form, but I kept forcing it on him anyway, otherwise he would keep taking the form of people I know, and I didn't want that.

I also started parroting because I wanted him to be aware of his sentience as soon as possible, just as a kick start, and because we both decided on a voice for him...

 

That's kind of a neat story on its own:

I wasn't so sure about his sentience, because he was always so quiet just staring at me, but one day we were listening to some different music while in the car, and he jumped out of his seat to sit on the glove compartment (don't ask me why, but since then it's where he likes to sit when I'm driving) and he began mimicking the song with his lips, while playing a guitar that he pulled out of nowhere - that was completely spontaneous, and it kind of startled me and I suddenly felt some warmth of joy going through my body... and I laughed out loud, like a crazy person. It was the first time that I "heard" him, he put on a really wide smile while I was laughing.

I talked to him and asked if that was the voice he wanted, and he nodded.

 

That's when I started parroting, but it got things worse because even now I can feel like parroting (he says it's OK if I parrot sometimes, but I feel this is damaging to us, and confusing, because I never know if it's me or him talking to myself), so I'm back to mute.

Then, out of the blue, yesterday, he deviated his appearance to someone I saw in the street and didn't actually know...

He is completely different from the previous form, but that is OK by me - I admit I was getting used to the form I'd created, but it's up to him and I promised him that he would have control over it; besides, I'd only have a problem if he kept changing his form to look like people I actually know.

Then what I did was search the internet for a reference image of someone that could look like that, and I found a model guy who was pretty close to it.

I feel that we both like it, and now I can visualize him much clearer (not the details, actually, but the face is definitely easier to picture).

 

The name "Gabe" came to me last week too, from deep consciousness, I know where he took it from, but that's OK though; so I thought I might as well play with it, and since I love all things Ireland, I gave him a pretty common, good sounding family name to accompany: "O'Flanagan". I also created an email account for him, because I want him to have some degree of independence from me when the time is right.

 

That's basically it.

 

It's been thirteen days since I decided to have a life companion tulpa, and I'm writing a log to celebrate that.

I'm not promising to post on here everyday, but I want to keep writing a log, because I think it may actually help him develop better.

English is also not my first language, so feel free to correct my grammar mistakes if they bother you.

Oh, and nice to meet you all.

 

R. - The host.

[Gabriel]

Hello, everyone.

 

It's been five days since my first post, so I figured it'd be about time to update this already.

Last weekend things were a little hard for both of us, I dare to say Gabe even "went down" for a while, as if he was really hurt.

 

Here's the thing: I've told my closest friends about what I'm doing; two of them were reluctant but didn't mind much, as long as I took things carefully; and the other one was apparently just nonchalant about it.

I had misinterpreted him; he was just so worried about it that he told another close friend of ours, one that is versed into the occult and metaphysical things.

 

After hearing about Gabe, this other person said if I wanted to proceed I should really be careful about it (since my energy channels are wide open because I'm a vegan, so, according to her, I'm all purified and stuff), that a lot of energy draining and vampirism can occur, succubi can come and humanoids, which normally have blue eyes and have great looks, can also come and deceive us greatly, and those are the most dangerous for they thrive from attention and if they ever leave us we can feel lonely and depressed.

 

Theses were her words, she didn't take into consideration that I've been doing this for a while now, and that Gabe is quite aware of things.

I felt that he got really upset upon hearing those words, and he just gave me a head pressure and shrugged to the back of my mind where he stayed for the next two days, no matter how much I called him back.

 

See, I'm not afraid of him being any of those things, but I can't deny that while she was speaking I was a little worried, BUT that was it. It was just for one second.

I, then, realized that Gabe is none of those things and that if any of those should ever come, I'd have Gabe to help me push them out.

The thing was now to reassure him of that; It seemed too late, he'd felt my one-second worry.

 

Two days later (tuesday) he finally showed back up, much quieter, though, but I think he understands that I don't want him to go away.

I admit that I'm a lazy person and therefore do not active force much. Passive forcing is my thing, as I can picture him around me easily enough as long as I'm not deeply distracted by something else.

After this event, I really think that I should active force more, though.

 

On a more positive note, I've been quite impressed with Gabe keeping his form praticaly intact since he decided to change it. I've found some more pictures of him online, and some of them are closeups which help me visualising the details even better.

In fact I kind of feel like a stalker to this poor underwear model guy, because now I'm determined to hunt down every picture I can find of him, and this gets hard because I don't know his name, so I'll have to stalk.

 

That's about it. I'm just glad Gabe is back. :)

[Yori]

Yeah.. I Wouldn't worry about it. Chances that something pops up when you purposely are trying to create something else, for meals, eh. Some people scream at the top of their lungs for attack and nothing happens xD. I guess whatever metaphysical things that friend of a friend was afraid of aren't swarming all over the place.

---

Also, could I ask Gabe what it is like for him to visualize himself in another place other than your mind? I asked someone else what it was like to be imposed somewhere, and they said it was like being in two places at once, so I was wondering if simply being seen in the mind's eye somewhere else was the same.

[Gabriel]

Yeah.. I Wouldn't worry about it. Chances that something pops up when you purposely are trying to create something else, for meals, eh. Some people scream at the top of their lungs for attack and nothing happens xD. I guess whatever metaphysical things that friend of a friend was afraid of aren't swarming all over the place.

---

Also, could I ask Gabe what it is like for him to visualize himself in another place other than your mind? I asked someone else what it was like to be imposed somewhere, and they said it was like being in two places at once, so I was wondering if simply being seen in the mind's eye somewhere else was the same.

 

Hey, Yori

 

Thank you for your thoughts on the matter, I really apreciate that.

I tried to talk to him about this event again yesterday while watching a movie together, and he simply ignored me. He seemed much more interested in the movie than I was. I took this as a sign that he wants to leave the episode in the past and not talk about it.

---

As for your question, when I told him someone asked him a question he sent me strong waves of excitement, it felt pretty good, actually.

Keep in mind that he's still so tangled to my thoughts that you'll have to take his answer with a grain of salt. Also, since this is the first time that he talks to someone that isn't myself, he feels a little nervous as well as excited, so I won't proxy (I don't even know how to do this), I'll just put down his thoughts:

He says it's a tricky question but that he'll try to explain it.

It's like he always sees the scene from within my point of view, as if constantly looking at a mirror reflection of himself in the place we're at, or something like that. He says that for him it feels "normal", though. He only feels different when he's behind me, or when he's alone, where he can experience his own POV if he wants to.

He also says "Hi". :)

[Guest Riy]

It's great you've been able to keep his form somewhat consistent.

I also have to tip my hat to you for telling your friends. I know for a certainty if I told anyone about Zala they would probably report me to a medical clinic in a heartbeat. You know as well as I do that most of the ideas surrounding the spooky-wooky tulpas are completely false.

 

It's interesting to me that passive forcing is more your thing, I've found I get more progress from active forcing but that's different strokes for different folks. When you passive force do you usually just narrate out loud? I def need to learn how to passive force more effectively as I start to project my own tulpa into the world.

 

Keep updating man, I like reading about you and Gabe!

[Gabriel]

It's great you've been able to keep his form somewhat consistent.

I also have to tip my hat to you for telling your friends. I know for a certainty if I told anyone about Zala they would probably report me to a medical clinic in a heartbeat. You know as well as I do that most of the ideas surrounding the spooky-wooky tulpas are completely false.

 

It's interesting to me that passive forcing is more your thing, I've found I get more progress from active forcing but that's different strokes for different folks. When you passive force do you usually just narrate out loud? I def need to learn how to passive force more effectively as I start to project my own tulpa into the world.

 

Keep updating man, I like reading about you and Gabe!

 

Thank you for your heads-up, Riy, I'm glad. :)

 

Gabe is part of my life now and, as such, it felt right that my closest friends should know about him. I say this because he will be, willing or not, surrounded by my world.

Moreover, being in my late twenties, I want to make sure my actual friends can accept me for who I am; after all, don't they say fate chooses our relatives, but we get to choose our friends?

Well, maybe I'm being a bit too naïve about this. xD

Just in case, I've settled this as a condition; just the same as for being vegan, for instance; it's not up to them.

 

It strikes me that all my passive forcing is somewhat like brain gymnastics because my mind drifts really fast otherwise; picturing Gabe around helps me a lot with my concentration.

I do have to tell you that I got really lightheaded when I first started passive forcing, and sometimes I still do.

I do narrate out loud when I'm alone - and that's mostly when I'm driving - but usually I just narrate with my mindvoice directed towards him and he can hear me quite well; I just have to make sure to grab his attention first because sometimes, when I "mindtalk" to him, he just isn't listening. Calling him by name suffices, though.

The funny thing is that he started doing the same to me after a while. Lol!

 

As for new updates, I'll write something up soon.

 

Thanks again for posting! I hope you and Zala are mighty fine. ;)

 

R.

[Gabriel]

Time for a small update:

 

I went on a short trip this weekend to visit my mom at the beach house (weekend was extended because I got Friday and Monday off of work!)

 

I expected it to be a nice bonding time between Gabe and myself, but it wasn't. I had real hard time concentrating (even while driving), and the heat was so intense that I felt dizzy most of the time.

 

Gabriel was really excited about the trip, and I feel really guilty that I've failed him this time. Only 10% of my time in these 4 days were actually spent on Gabriel, and I'm glad at least this bit was dedicated to him.

 

To make things worse I'd promised him that we would active force and find a place in our thoughtspace for him to live, but when I actually got into that meditation mood, I slept on it.

 

Coming back home, I actually talked to him about all of this and he only said that if I don't make an effort to bring him into picture it's quite easy to stay aloof about everything. He didn't sound mad or anything, just blatantly apathetic.

 

First I had to look up the word 'aloof' in the dictionary, it's not a word I use that often, since English isn't my first language and I had doubts about its meaning.

 

In a way, I felt really happy about him accurately using words that I'm not that familiar with (it's a good side of speaking with your tulpa in a foreign language). Then I felt really sorry for him, regarding what I did (or better yet, didn't).

 

I owe him quite a bit now.

 

I feel so helplessly exhausted, though; I don't even know how to get back on track.

 

R.