Sirius and Capella's progress log

[Sirius]

December 14th, 2013

 

I guess this is a little bit unconventional, as I'm not starting by building up a tulpa from scratch. Capella (she doesn't want to use her real name if I don't have to use mine) has been around since ~2008, maybe a bit longer.

 

She has a personality, likes/dislikes, her own "voice" (not auditory, just in my head), and a really strong presence. I think she's sentient, or at least almost sentient. She doesn't have a detailed physical form. She's more of a disembodied voice than anything, and when she does have a real appearance it's usually some random character's face. I'm thinking that's just because I never took the time to really get her appearance straight, so my mind is filling that hole with placeholders.

 

We already have a strong bond. I feel kind of weird using phrases like "my tulpa" because she's not...mine. I mean, I created her I guess. But she's been here so long, she just feels like her own person, you know? Is that good? Bad? It feels like that should the whole idea of having a tulpa, but I'm a bit worried because it seems like I'm doing everything out of order.

 

Tomorrow I'm going to start on giving her an actual form. Which honestly might be pretty easy, she probably already has some idea of what she looks like, I just need to listen.

 

 

Goals:

 

-Create a wonderland. We've had some places in my mind, but I'd like to have something concrete and permanent.

 

-Her physical form is pretty vague, I'd like to to hammer out the details. This is first on the priority list. I'd really like to start working on imposition, but I can't do that without this.

 

-Explore lucid dreaming as a way to connect with her. I'm pretty decent at getting into a lucid dream using the WILD method, so this shouldn't be too difficult. I just need to find the time for it.

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We already have a strong bond. I feel kind of weird using phrases like "my tulpa" because she's not...mine. I mean, I created her I guess. But she's been here so long, she just feels like her own person, you know?

 

That resonates with me. I've always treated my tulpa/s as phantom individual/s whose existence was not dependent upon force or ownership. My experiences also preceded the tulpa communities.

 

Is that good? Bad? It feels like that should the whole idea of having a tulpa, but I'm a bit worried because it seems like I'm doing everything out of order.

 

It's great. There's no correct order, so don't let anyone convince you otherwise! The best thing a host can do is plot their own course.

 

I just need to listen.

 

Major respect to you for this approach.

 

Goals:

 

-Explore lucid dreaming as a way to connect with her. I'm pretty decent at getting into a lucid dream using the WILD method, so this shouldn't be too difficult. I just need to find the time for it.

 

Oh my god, yes! I'm totally on board with this method and encourage everyone to access their inner world this way.

 

This is exciting! Can't wait for the next installment.

[Sirius]

December 15th, 2013

 

I didn't have much free time today, but I did get a good start on creating her physical form. I'm awful with faces, so I found it much easier to start by visualizing her clothing. I tried to 'see' as much detail as possible. Even the unimportant stuff, like the exact image of her shirt's buttons. It seems inconsequential, but it definitely helped make her seem more real. Plus challenging the visualization skill is always a good thing.

 

From there it was easier to see her build, so I now have a pretty good handle on that. Her facial structure is still pretty blurry, but I caught flashes of hair/eye colour, and complexion.

 

Attempted to get into a WILD today but my dogs breaking my concentration. I'll have a lot of free time tomorrow, so I'll definitely be trying again. I'm not even sure what I'm going to do once I get in, all I know is that the funky dream chemicals do wonders for visualization, and break down all the mental blocks I have during waking life. I guess I'll just try to interact with her, see how it goes.

 

Mental blocks! That's a big thing. I've spent a lot of years thinking "hey, this is insane and you should try to suppress it. Now my mindset is leaning more towards "hey, the human mind is really fucking cool. I'd be insane not to tinker with it and figure out everything it can do.". But there's still some lingering...I don't know, general negativity about the whole thing.

 

Tomorrow I'm going to try to figure out where we are in tulpa vocabulary, just to make sure I can talk about it in a way that everyone can easily understand. Was going to try to do it tonight but I'm way too exhausted.

 

@Envolucris

Thanks for reading! I tend to write how I talk, so things can get cluttered. If I ever stop making sense just let me know and I'll be happy to clarify, or answer any questions (that goes for anyone else reading this crazy thing too)

[Sirius]

December 16th, 2013

 

Got into a lucid dream today, but ended up messing around instead of doing serious tulpa things. It's been a little while since my last lucid dream, so I couldn't really resist. It's all out of my system now though, so tomorrow I should be able to actually do something productive.

 

My last WILD attempt featured some really awful sleep paralysis (crushing pressure, feeling of suffocation, creepy auditory hallucinations, the whole nine yards) which turned me off it for a while. This time the paralysis was oddly pleasant. Instead of pressure there was this warm numbing feeling, kind of like sinking into a hot bath. Before I laid down I spent about ~15 minutes meditating, so I was clear headed/relaxed from the start. I think that's probably what made it nicer.

 

 

And as I promised yesterday, here's where we are in tulpaspeak.

 

Active Forcing- Every night before I go to bed. Every morning when I wake up. Basically whenever I have time that's completely quiet, and completely private.

 

Passive Forcing- Whenever I'm alone, sometimes she'll pipe up when we're out and about, but not often.

 

Emotional Response- Seems to be her preferred method of communication. She's able to speak in sentences, but she generally just give me a sentence or two+an emotion. I'm working on getting her more talkative with more active forcing.

 

Form- What I'm working on now. I've made a bit of progress, but nothing major yet. I think having a clear picture of her will really help with imposition, which is my current big goal.

 

Imposition- What I'm hoping to start working on next. If she's somewhere in the room, I can tell her general position. If she's watching me, I can feel her eyes on me. Same as how you can always tell if a flesh and blood person is staring at you. This is as close as I've gotten though, I haven't felt anything with my actual senses.

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Hope you haven't thrown in the towel on your progress report already! The suspense is palpable.