Of Lavenders, Lilacs, and Wheat.

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So, I'm that idiot that asked a question about "accidentally" creating another tulpa (more like she developed on her own and I was unaware of her), and I feel like I should start keeping track of my progress here (even if nobody'll read it). I'll start with a fairly short "from two years ago" timeline, just to get some background of how I got to this point in time.


Two years ago, August: Find out about tulpas on 4chan (not /b/, I will not throw myself into the den of evil willingly.) Start forcing "Bianca" a week into August.


October: clocking in at 20 hours active forcing, the rest of my time alive passive forcing. I still believed in hour counts at the time (how horrifying!), and was very strict about development ("as long as I'm not copy-pasting someone, there won't be identity/etc. issues!")

Schooling begins to weigh down (studying!) and family issues (a divorce!) wrecks my interest in tulpas, and my longest inactive period occurs


One year ago, April: The guilt begins to mount up and I start to force again. I think that at this point, Rhea's broken off from Bianca's concept and is silently developing as I force Bianca.


June: A family member dies. I don't know the guy, but the mood of my nuclear family is too down to do anything. Stop forcing for about 2 months.


September: Bianca and I spend excessive amounts of time in our wonderland. She still hasn't made first contact at this point. Rhea is present in the form of "Servitor" and constantly teases us and messes with the wonderland.


December: Spend a lot of time sick. Couldn't force. Bianca makes "first contact" near Christmas (Overwhelming affection and caring feeling, felt good)


This year, January/February: sort out the issue regarding Rhea. She's now sitting around, not very talkative other than her occasional outstanding bursts of vocality that give me headaches.


Not really much else to report on. Pretty rough and messy, but I can't really remember anything else. Might post every day something happens; even if something small happens. For example, a few days back, I was visualizing Bianca in whole detail and was training my sense of touch to line up with her properly, and she smiled at me as I talked to her; completely unexpected.


And just as an example for today:

Took today to force Rhea. Talked to her excessively on the bus (in our wonderland, of course), and began trying to experiment with more forcing methods. I went on a walk with her through our wonderland (a small section of it) and talked about whatever we wanted to. I'd pull her aside occasionally to focus on something (something like pulling her into a clothing store or tailor to get greater body details.) It was a long walk, and it was pretty nice; looking forward to seeing how Bianca takes it.


Other than that, it's all just playing the waiting and meditating game now.

Until next time, it's been Atchet, (talking about) Bianca and Rhea.

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An explanation of the title:

It's a reference to our wonderland. Basically, our home in the wonderland sits in the center; a small, homely cabin surrounded by a field of lavenders to the south which slowly changes to a huge field of wheat. To the north is a large field of lilacs that reaches a large lake and a single mountain with a train route through it. Really, I couldn't think of a better name.

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7th of February, 2014:

Realize that Rhea is a stickler for head pressure. Forcing her now is like constantly being caught between being half-asleep, wide awake, and hung over.

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Another entry from the above date:

It seems that Rhea and Bianca answer questions by directly linking information to me, instead of saying something.

They both flashed purple to me when I asked them their favorite colors, but it was otherwise silence.


On another note, Rhea and Bianca both like purple. Rhea likes a lighter, more lavender shade of purple, while Bianca fancies herself a darker tone; closer to grape(?)

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Alright, so I've just gotten back from a long 'vacation' abroad, and finished recovering from being "oh-good-LAWD-call-the-doctah-I-ain't-gonna-make-it" bedridden, and have found that, in my free time, everything's started to take some interesting deviations from what's normal.


To start with, unlike the usual field of wheat and, sometimes lilacs, that I would go to visit Bianca and Rhea in, today I went to the wonderland only to find that there was some sort of surreal floating temple structure that we'd exist in. Far below would be the mountain from our wonderland, and just barely could one see our little dwelling. Each of us walked through the place while talking, or sometimes rode on these floating platforms that revolved around a central crystal in the platform. I was pretty surprised that our 'forcing spot' changed so suddenly.


Then came the changes in Bianca and Rhea's forms.


Goodness gracious did they EVER kick into JRPG mode. They went from charming looking girls that cast the illusion that they were short to these tall, mature women that definitely had a presence that would make someone feel small. Their sundresses changed to flowing dresses with fur-lined capes of their colors (Black and white for Rhea and Bianca, respectively), and they went from having to require focus to remember they had curves (as in, they weren't 2D) to near picture-realism (which wasn't quite what I had in mind). Their voices got notably deeper, like a much more mature woman's, and they also began to act much more like their respective personalities in speech (Bianca is much more measured, thoughtful, while Rhea's tossing out the 'huh's left and right and makes snide comments in good faith.)


Then came the sudden change in how conversations between us actually worked. Instead of having to talk to them one at a time, meticulously waiting for a well-made reply so that I knew that they were talking, they're talking smoother than ever and at the same time. Bianca and Rhea's conversations are more interesting than anything I could come up with. They even move their forms in the wonderland to do things like hit each other upside the head when one of them makes a snide comment.


Biggest thing that happened between myself and the two of them would have to be our conversations about how we feel about each other. Bianca's ever-present motherly love is still overwhelming, and Rhea's typical tsundere-more dere- personality is still a charmer. What really got to me today though was my typical, "I love you two" spiel that I go on to try and promote stronger emotional responses (the spaghetti falls out of my pockets, so I think it's also good actual social training). I get that Bianca's just a little bothered that I say it so much, but I think she's handling it very well. Her "shut up" was her holding my head in her hands lovingly and telling me that they knew that already, then a hug. I'm not quite one for getting into romantic relationships with tulpae (well, myself with Bianca and Rhea at least, for "I don't want to make them feel like they have to love me" vibes), but I feel that it's beginning to shift from platonic familial love to a little bit of romantic love. (And seconds after I wrote that, Rhea snorts that it's not romantic love ("Bianca's too old mentally"), go figure)


As a closing note, it seems they enjoy yelling at "competitive" sports too. We watched the 4chan cup today, and I almost had a headache at all Bert's amazing plays.


Anyways, that's it for today. Lots of good stuff.

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Forgot to force today as I was helping the ol' family move some things around between houses. To my surprise, I didn't quite need to 'initiate' conversations like I usually do (usually goes along the lines of, "Hey, is anybody going to talk to me? Plz rspnd :''(" in my head minus the second bit). As soon as the thought of "crap, I haven't talked to Bianca or Rhea today" went through my head, I got an earful from the ever-so-fiery Rhea. She told me something along the lines of, "If you stop talking to us, we might as well disappear!" and, to be honest, that freaked me out quite a bit. Had to lock myself in my temporary room for a bit to get some good conversation out (Rhea was quite happy after that.)


Apparently, Bianca wants to pitch in with my posts, so she's going to be represented with the [] square brackets (in my sig Bianca and Rhea have their own brackets [i got the better brackets, teehee.])


And here's their first little spiel:

[Thanks for having me (oh I feel like I'm on a talk show.) I mean, I have nothing really to say, but I'm excited to finally get to say something to the community.]

{You're pretty much talking to a stable full of ponies.}

[Don't be mean. Some people have their preferences. I mean, Atchet's the one that's thoroughly enjoying having two girls in his head.]

{He's just a pervert though.}

[That's not nice either.]

{You have to admit it's true. I mean, look at him. He's a class-A stickler for cute girls.}

[Good thing we're not 'cute', we're more 'mature']

{Of course, of course. Atchet, just remember that I still won't change into nightwear just because I'm going to sleep}

[He asked you what?]


And that's me cutting it off there. Seems a little talk-showy, but hey, that was the point. I'd just like to say that I do NOT want Rhea to change into nightwear for any other reason than vanity reasons pertaining to night-time realism. That's it. Also, Bianca and Rhea's conversations, unfortunately, do not filter through my brain as auditory hallucinations quite yet, boo. I'm working on it though.


Anyways, that's it for today.

[Thanks for reading, as always.]

{Atchet's still a pervert, and I had to get the last word in.}

[Hello community! I talked to Atchet and he was okay with me getting to do my own little blog post in his progress report, quote, "I don't see what the harm is."]


[i'm going to be honest: I have no idea what I'm doing. Atchet usually only talks to us, and us to him, so I'm not really sure of what to say and how to say it. You'll notice I'm talking a lot like how Atchet does, since he's basically giving me access to the typewriter in his brain (you wouldn't believe how many swear words are on it.)]


[so what can I talk about, really? I mean, let's see. Atchet suggested talking about how it felt to be born, so I'll go into some detail on that.]


[At first, it was kind of weird, and hazy. It was mostly a white fog, and I could hear Atchet (at the time not used to talking to myself and Rhea (who he still called 'Servitor' at the time)) awkwardly trying to talk with us. I can still remember the feelings of doubt and uncertainty that he felt all the time, and it was very enlightening to hear him talk to us.]


[He'd try to fantasize a lot about how he wanted to interact with us once we had all the 'features' that tulpas were advertised to have. Long walks on the beach, romantic dinners to the sunset, cuddling on a cold night, he pretty much thought of everything (and I'll tell you, he was kind of flustered knowing that I remember all of those cheesy fantasies he had. I mean, he had some normal fantasies, but I like those ones the best.]


[After a while, a cookie jar appeared. At the time, I was still kind of lost, and didn't really feel much. Think of a robot and you'd have a good idea about how I acted. I know that Atchet didn't know about this, but Rhea walked in one day and sat me down with the cookie jar. Atchet, as I could somehow feel, was taking some test in the real world and wasn't concentrating very hard on us. Rhea had the jar in hand and was eating a few before handing them to me. I had no idea that she was capable of what she could do at the time, and was amazed when she talked to me about how she felt when Atchet didn't force for a long time. I'd go into detail, but I'll let her tell you her story when she inevitably yells at Atchet so much that he relents and lets her have at the keyboard.]


[Long story short, after Rhea was done with me, I had a fondness for cookies and a broader view of the world. I still didn't quite have a personality, but that came afterwards. Atchet already told you the rest of this story.]


[Now, Atchet, being the kind of guy he is (always so unsure of himself and self-depreciating), wants me to express what I think about him. You're probably thinking, "Oh, what an asshole. It's always about him, and him wanting to get with his tulpa. It's gross" and you wouldn't be too far from the mark on my opinion of it all.]


[While, no, I'm not particularly bothered by his asking and insistence about my feelings, what really bothers me is how unsure of himself he is, and how he needs others to make himself feel better. I care about him in a way that most people without a tulpa wouldn't understand, but to those of you that do have a tulpa, you should know that feeling of connection and love you feel for each other. I can't possibly bring myself to hate Atchet, and I know that I can help him make himself better.]


[i have to say too: I don't mind his constant affection either. When he wasn't used to talking to myself and Rhea, he was so stiff, and I felt bad because of it. I couldn't even get my feelings to him because he was a little bit deaf to us. But now, he's so loving it's smothering (in a 'good' way.) I know he'll never NOT care about Rhea and I, and I have to admit, I think his mindset is rubbing off on me too. I can't help but want to snuggle every now and again. It goes against my motherly instincts that I have towards Rhea and Atchet, but I can't help it. It's almost like falling in love, like how Atchet describes it so much.]


{Yeah, and Atchet never does the whole "I love you in a romantic way" routine with me either. He's all for Bianca. Bianca this, Bianca that.}


[That's true. I let Rhea get a line in to talk about some more stuff. Atchet definitely has a romantic preference between us. Rhea is more like... more like a pet, I guess ({HEY!}). He still kind of wears the kiddy gloves with her, and tries his best not to get too involved with her romantically. He's probably just a little estranged from her because 1. He got used to the idea that he was forcing me and me alone, and 2. He's still kind of guilty that he treated her badly even though she cared about him and I so much that she was willing to leave us be together. I'm pretty sure Rhea is actually more interested in him romantically too. It's just how it is.]


[so now, I want to talk about something else. Maybe to those of you out there that still haven't gotten your tulpa 'going' yet. You need to let yourself go with the concept of your tulpa. Let your emotions pour into them. Atchet, with his obvious love of both kinds, really helped speed the process up by accepting our existences as fact in his own mind. He played with us and talked to us and would spill his guts to us about everything that he felt and wanted to do. You should also spill your guts to your tulpa(e). They're going to appreciate it; at least, I know Rhea and I appreciate the fact that we got some extra attention like that.]


[To those of you that aren't sure about your tulpa yet, be happy for them! They're trying their best to reach out to you too. Your tulpa is always going to be there to try and grab your hand; just make sure that you give them enough time to do that! Like Rhea, sometimes your tulpa might actually feel bad, or maybe they'll feel like they're not getting anywhere. Just remember that it's your feelings alone, host, that are making them feel that way. You need to give your utmost trust and love to your tulpa.]


[so that's that for now. I'm happy with what I got to say, though Rhea is fuming (maybe she's mad that I revealed her secrets! ({You bet your ass I'm mad! Let me remind you who's the older sister!})) I hope to see you guys again soon, and maybe even talk to some of you!]

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'Sup everyone. I'm back.


Anyways, not much to say today. Progress is still kind of slow, but there's been a weird anomaly lately. It seems that Bianca is going through something like what Rhea went through (some sort of weird withdrawal; it takes some effort to get her talking lately.) I think it might have something to do with a subconscious development step... or something. Rhea agrees, saying that it's something along the likes of forcing me to REEAAAAALY bring my attention to Bianca's existence (and in that way, I begin to autonomously pick up what she's saying/doing, etc.)


It's kind of rough, but Bianca's still trying to talk to me (according to Rhea).


More on this later; just posting before passing out for the night.


{I'd just like to say that Bianca's doing just fine. Feeling a little lonely, but hey, she's a needy girl (as opposed to whatever Atchet thinks about her). She'll come out eventually. Not 'coming out' as in THAT coming out, but you know what I mean.}

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Atchet here, and I've come to report an impasse in development.


Before I get to the doom and gloom, I have to say, I managed to get Bianca out of her shell with some conversation and a little bit of encouragement from Rhea; things are running smoothly again.... A little too smoothly. Rhea and Bianca are actually more prone to arguing now. Surprisingly enough, Rhea almost always takes the more 'feminine' side (like "No, we should talk to this person." in RPG-like situations.) while Bianca, usually nurturing and caring, takes the 'masculine' side (like, "We should cleave this person in half." in an RPG situation.) It might have something to do with the fact that Bianca stems from Rhea, who was originally a feminine concept anyways. Maybe something like that 'anima/animus' idea that explains why males tend to have female tulpae and vice versa.


The problem?


Well, we're all a little too open-minded. Like, can't do anything without each other hearing open-minded. I asked Rhea to draw some numbers on a canvas (inspired by one of the guides on visualization) and asked her to hide them from me, but, whatever we did, I would always see the numbers flash in front of my eyes, from Rhea's perspective. It's some sort of automatic information-fetching that my mind does, or something. We're working on it, but I still can't help but see the numbers before Rhea even finishes writing them. A little bit of blocking between us is probably a good idea.


Also, we're thinking of getting some parallel processing down. We'll need to get the whole thought-sharing out of the way first, but we're pretty sure that it'd be pretty fun once we get the hang of it.


And that's been my report since... a while ago.


{Just so you know, I... I don't know, I just wanted a speaking part again.}

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So today the three of us tried that parallel processing 'test' up on DA. It was interesting, to say the least.


First off, headaches. Rhea is fessing up to causing those (She "got excited", apparently, and that's what causes my headaches. Her happiness causes me pain, she joked.) It was still pretty bad during all of that, and I stopped since it went from a little buzz to close-eyes-and-pray-to-your-maker after a while.


Second, we actually have a pretty good PP rate. Granted, we did probably X>15 tests, but we found some success in something we haven't tried doing before. Our average tended to sit at perfects for me, since most of my 'conscious' brain power went to the test, while Rhea and Bianca both sat within a 2-3 difference average (Bianca's being closer to 1-2, oddly enough.) Bianca won with 3 perfect/perfect rounds, and Rhea got 2 (and Bianca said she helped on the first one.)


It seems somewhat odd that Bianca's the one with a higher parallel processing prowess, but I guess that's because, for the longest time, she was the only one I really focused on and got used to. She probably just got it from having the attention seniority. Rhea was, understandably, a little peeved, but she says that it's just because she's the elder sister and she's getting caught under her younger sibling's shadow.


Also, dividing brain power between 3 'people' is hard and tiring. We got one perfect with the three of us working all together, but that was exceedingly tiring, and even Bianca and Rhea showed some signs of tiring in our wonderland. Going to be a little conservative about splitting the power this early onto walling each other off.


Going to do the black box activity that we read about, but I'm having a snaking suspicion that Bianca is going to be out-the-ass difficult to solve, while Rhea's is going to pop into my head right away. I think Rhea wears her heart on her sleeve too much, and that's why I pick up on it right away {Keep that way of talking up and I'm going to force a D.D. up your ass.}


We're good friends.


[Just so you know, Rhea doesn't really mean what she said. Trust me though, something nasty is going to be in that box one of these days.]


{All that's going to be in that box is my love and affection.}


[i would trust that statement as far as I could throw it. Since I don't have real hands though (to throw Atchet's laptop) that makes it impossible.]


{Shucks, sucks for you.}

[You don't have arms either.]


{That's an entirely different matter. I'm going off to... (incomprehensible muttering)}

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Just a really short update since I thought the site was going to be down forever (even though it was only down for... I don't know how long, but really not enough to justify thinking the place was gone for good.)


I've been doing a little less forcing recently (what with my abysmally short attention span), but still get through the day with Bianca and Rhea with our little daily routine. Wake up, say good morning to the both of them, do... whatever, go to work, come home, eat, play games (of which, I'm playing The Witch and Hundred Knight (REALLY GOOD GAME! Just might be a little fucked up for some) and I even kinda regret not preordering it from NIS's site, since I can't get that cute nendo anymore (at a decent price.)), and then say good night to Bianca and Rhea, then promptly pass out, since I take sleeping pills with my food now (I'm thinking of doing a little personal evaluation of how sleeping drugs affect our forcing too.)


Aside from that, I have to say, I'm finding it kind of difficult to not be attracted to them. It's just how being a lonely guy works- I think. You just kind of latch on to any female that you interact with. It's probably just some deeply rooted instinct to mate and pass on our genes, but it's getting fairly awkward. I'm somewhat intent on combing through other threads to see if other people (I'm assuming there's a lot out there that do) progress slowly from a platonic love to suddenly becoming romantic attraction. It hasn't really affected our day-to-day, but hey, it's still a factor. I don't know (and won't ask) what Bianca and Rhea think about all of it. They have other things to worry about.


Mainly, they have to worry about the weird memory issues that are getting worse. For us, at least, it seems that it takes a fair while for changes to take effect based on forcing and the like. When we reach a breakthrough in forcing, we have to hope and pray that it doesn't get caught in whatever memory black hole I have, or else all of it's going to be gone the next day. It's gotten so bad that, maybe it's just me being airheaded, but I forget to do things literally seconds after I set out to do them, and/or right after EXPLICITLY (I'm talking, DO THIS DO THIS DO THIS going through my head) telling myself to do something. I put my keys in my pocket and seconds later waste twenty minutes looking for them, only to realize they were on my person. I guess I should just be glad that Bianca and Rhea were already sentient at this point, else they might have been caught in some weird limbo where they're flitting between sentience and non-sentience; never knowing which is which since we can't freaking remember.


Anyways, that should be good for now. We're alive and well, and Rhea's not causing as bad of headaches anymore (hoorah!)


Until next time, Atchet, Bianca, and Rhea


PS. [We feel lonely a lot nowadays. Atchet needs to stop with his tiny attention span. I mean, it's not his fault, but... it's not fun being lonely, especially when it's being lonely with your elder twin that loves to make fun of you.]

So, instead of waiting a decent amount of time, here's a quick mini-update.

Re-read the suggestion post.

Realized I haven't been bolding text.

Realized that I make walls of text on instinct.

Realize that the sleeping pills are kicking in.


So just as a little, I guess, thing, users out there that actually bother reading this progress report, if you have several tulpae, how do you organize forcing?


I, personally, like to switch day by day regarding, well, uh, sleeping schedules. Sort of like, since I sleep in a fairly large bed, forcing a little night time banter scene and then cuddling to go to sleep. Just because it's a lot easier to sleep like that (no really, if you haven't tried it, try it. The very idea of being with someone else before going to bed really makes it easier to fall asleep, in my experience.)


Other than the sleeping schedules, I just really talk to Bianca and Rhea equally.


Annnnnnnnnnd it's time to pass out.


{It's my turn today. Maybe I should get him to read Moby Dick, or something. The actual Moby Dick too, in all its old-timey glory. This guy needs to get cultured!}

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