Liam/Autumn(s)' and Thy Tulpa's Fantasies

[CasualCollision]

So, it seems that my interest in tulpas has risen once more. I guess you guys have stopped using tulpae as the plural form awhile ago, huh?

 

So, before I begin writing this report, I think it's best if I introduce myself, as well as tell you of my current situation. My name is Liam/Autumn(s). Yes, that is my name. Of course, my legal name and the name that my close friends and family call me is different. Said name I wish to keep a secret to ensure that my biological sex (something that the staff may or may have not deducted already) stays ambiguous. I'm sure if you did some digging, you'd be able to uncover my biological sex with ease, something that I hope you're respectful enough to not do. As for why I want my sex to be unknown, I have my reasons. Regardless, you may refer to me as Liam, if you believe I am male, Autumn, if you believe I am female, or Casual, if you don't care. If you're confused as to what pronouns to refer to me by, I tend to use middle-English pronouns (thou, thy, thee .etc) to refer to gender-neutral individuals. For goodness sake, don't call me an *it*, for I am not an inanimate object.

 

I consider my lifestyle to be simultaneously mundane and pathetic. I am an unemployed, and undereducated person with no source of income. I am not enrolled in any school to speak of, and I lack any driver's license, so I have no mote of transportation. All that, and the fact that I live deep in the countryside, I'm pretty much trapped in my parents' house, making me an unwillful hermit at best. I sometimes even go for weeks at a time without leaving the respective property. My social life in the real world is restricted by my immediate family; minus that, I spend time with a few of my online friends, whom I've known for a good four years now. Needless to say, I have more time on my hands than any person in their right mind should have. With all this in mind, it's easy to see why I've taken up an interest in making a tulpa.

 

Another thing that I believe is relevant to talk about is my love life. If you need to know, I am bisexual. I have only had one boyfriend, and two girlfriends in my entire life. Since then, despite longing for, I have not been fond of anybody in recent years, nor have I even met anyone close to my type. Though I'm aware it is possible for many to live happily without a significant other in their life, because of my current situation, it has left me lonely, depressed, and a little detached. I'm hoping that a tulpa will fill in this metaphorical gap, at least a little, romantically or otherwise.

 

Alright, now that you know me a little, and can understand why I have a tulpa in the making, I feel now is best to tell a little bit about the tulpa I intend to flesh out. For the time being, I only intend to have one tulpa, but that may change once the first matures. Her name is Mae, and the form she currently has, and will probably always have, is a white, anthropomorphic cat (because I'm into that sort of thing). The way I picture her is very vague. Since she's drawn/animated looking, It's hard for me to picture her in a specific art style. I intend to find piece of art to reference, or commission an artist to draw her someday, to make visualizing her form easier for me. Because I don't intend to start imposing for quite awhile, I don't think this is much of an issue for now.

 

Her personality is pre-defined, set by 28 traits. I'm okay with letting her deviate a bit, so long as I approve of it. I feel as though I deserve a say in her behavior, since we're sharing the same body, after all. Likewise, if she doesn't like certain tendencies on my part, I will try to comply to her wishes as well. The personality I desire for her to have would have to be summed up as tomboyish, feisty, and a little lazy. I actually wrote her traits a year ago, when I was first starting to get to know the tulpa phenomenon. Little has been changed to the list of traits, as shown below:

• She is a listener.
  
• She has a sense of humor.
  
• She cares over scemantics.
  
• She can't help but to ask questions, even at the most inconvenient of times.
  
• She doesn't grasp the concept of being careful with things.
  
• She has an attitude.
  
• She isn't very active.
  
• She likes to sit at random places.
  
• She is easy to flatter.
  
• She is scared of thunder, and other sudden loud bangs.
  
• She is a night person.
  
• She doesn't like to pretend.
  
• She hates hot temperatures, but loves Summer.
  
• She loves the cold, as well as snow.
  
• She is not sensitive at all, and can almost always take any remark or insult.
  
• She doesn't like seeing other people.
  
• She prefers the confines of my room.
  
• She hates change.
  
• She is scared by the idea of the inevitable.
  
• She reacts negatively to things littering the floor like dishes and garbage.
  
• She is perfectionist.
  
• She is open minded.
  
• She tends to be agreeable.
  
• She is introverted towards other people.
  
• She likes to be a tease c;
  
• She's painfully honest.
  
• She forgives easily.
  
• She is compliant, but at the same time reluctant.
  

 

Now to the part I've been looking foreword to, talking about my wonderland. The most fun I've had, apart from talking to and spending time with Mae, has been to hang around in my wonderland. My wonderland consists of a tropical island with a jungle inhabiting two-thirds of its land. On this island, is a large shed that Mae and I have taken refuge in. The shed rests against a short cliff, propped up by wooden columns. Below the cliff is the beach, and the sea. Since the wonderland's conception, I've been rewarding myself by adding onto the shed, little by little, the more time I spend with Mae. Since then, not counting furniture, two new rooms, and a small kitchen have been added. Below is a crude representation of the shed and its surroundings from a top-down perspective:

 

Apologies if it's hard to make it out.

 

I want you to keep in mind that I have not been keeping track of the time spent as to track my progress. In fact, the time spent is an intentionally inaccurate gross under-estimate. I keep track solely to reward myself on the side whilst going through with the long and arduous process of tulpa forcing.

 

I have been working on this endeavor for about two weeks, with an estimated 12 hours spent forcing. The biggest breakthrough so far happened 3 days ago. After watching the new episode of Space Dandy on the DVR, I intended to passively force, and commentate with her during the episode. I however, got too into the episode, and ended up doing the exact opposite of that. Afterwords, I decided to make it up to her, by watching netflix and commentating with her then. It was after I finished and went over to my laptop, that I began feeling this strange sensation, that I could only describe as "funky". The feeling mainly resided in my head. And then, out of nowhere, while I was reviewing Mae's personality traits, this sudden sensation of intense joy filled me, and caused me to break a huge grin out of reflex. I can only assume that this came from Mae. Since then, I've been getting these sensations in smaller doses when forcing.

[CasualCollision]

A bit of a short update. For the longest time, I've had problems with intrusive thoughts, usually involving grotesque and outlandish instances happening. Though I'm for the most part unphased by them, I was worried about it affecting Mae negatively. Even if it doesn't, it seems unfair for her to have to put up with my intrusive thoughts. I've decided to symbolically block her from sensing and perceiving any intrusive thoughts I have. The way I do this symbolically, is with a PDA-like device in my wonderland. On the PDA-like device, is a menu for accessing and denying my tulpa various realms of my consciousness; memory, subconsciousness, thoughts .etc. On intrusive thoughts, I put a lock icon over it, making it so she is unable witness them.

 

Mae and I also moved to the other side of the island to a cliff-side port town to stay at a small furnished house for a few days. There, we swam in the ocean, sat up high on a cliff to take in the view of the sea, and overall had a good time. We've since moved back to our original home.

[CasualCollision]

Third update: Yesterday, I managed to passively force longer than I have before. I walked two miles at the convenience store and back, and for the majority of that time, I talked to Mae aloud. Talking to Mae definitely made the brief journey more enjoyable, and I think I'm gonna do it again sometime. Later that night, I also tried tulpaforcing in the bathtub, whilst in complete darkness. It was an interesting experience to be able to go to my wonderland with my eyes wide open. The downside to this, unfortunately, is that the bath drain was weathered, and almost broken. The sound of it draining a little bit of water was very distracting. It also didn't help that the rest of my family were active and talkative; their voices penetrating our thin, non-sound-proof walls. Not to mention that the tub was a bit too small for me, and thus it was a bit cramped. I'm honestly not sure if I want to do it again. Maybe if I get the chance to use a bigger, newer tub, I'll try it.

[NariusV]

Thanks for sharing Casual.

 

I have considered commissioning an artist to create some reference images of my my tulpa Seph also, do to her deviations. I want to give her more time to stabilize first though, since she is not a year old yet (next month she will be).

 

Being out in the countryside sounds like it would be a great place to have privacy to talk with your tulpa. Being in a city myself at the moment, I feel awkward talking with her out loud in the presence of others. I plan to get a fake wireless earphone to wear outside so that when I'm alone by myself wandering around outside I'll feel more comfortable to start with speaking narration.