Looking after old wounds

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My name's Mihaela, I'm 17, I'm from Croatia and my tulpa's name's Ivan. He's either my age or a few years older. Also, just for future reference, comments and advices are encouraged, it'd help me a lot to see if I'm doing anything wrong and if I should improve or stop something.


I stared creating him a lot of months ago but I lost track of how many, I never really counted.


I found tulpas by that famous creepypasta and it evoked skepticism and fear you're not supposed to feel.


And then I started researching. A lot. From guide to guide, page to page and finally this forum, I tried to read as much as I could and memorize everything I reread, combining different tactics. After a few weeks i finally got bored and decided that I read enough.


I thinked about if I wanted a tulpa.


Most of my early life I was alone except for teachers and tutors I was constantly surrounded by. I won't go into any details, but until high school, I never realized how much I missed in social aspect of life because I kept polishing my skills for when I'm older. Even now I have a few awesome friends but they wouldn't be here for me when I needed them the most. And when school year started, I had at least 7-8 mental breakdowns because I couldn't keep up with everything I did.


So I needed a close friend I could count on.


I started creating Ivan with intense dedication. I wrote everything I wanted to remember, drew my wonderland, forced in every way I could and then BAM, school's on it again and I had to stop. I was so locked up in it that I forgot most of the things I researched and I just couldn't passively force because things I do in school require intense concentration and no sulking would be tolerated.


When school loosened up a bit, I tried again. I redid some things I didn't like and I felt his presence in my mind and received a few emotional responses from him but when I tried to talk, I usually never got responses. He literally seemed as a zombified human with no emotions but I knew that it was just me and I probably didn't hear him well enough to make proper conversations.


And then school again so I had to stop and finally, summer vacation.


I was so used to being alone that I rarely talked to Ivan. Then, out of nowhere, I remembered him and felt him and got so much will do to everything again. And this time, I was so determined and released so much negative thoughts about him and changed some views in my life that I finally saw him as who he was. I saw his physical looks and felt his personality as he chose for himself plus those I gave him before.


Even once, he went to show me something in wonderland I never saw before. When I was on the seaside with my parents, I used that to explore with him and that lead to me meeting new people he knew and being told everything I missed, I learnt that a brand new culture was developed in my wonderland and it wasn't something I imagined before.


This may sound like parroting but when I did all of this, I just felt responses. I can kind of feel the difference between when i parrot Ivan and when I don't. In any case, I'm not trying to parrot, I'm just letting myself being shown everything.


I wanted to prove to myself that Ivan was sentient enough but I just didn't hear him. And we tried some small possession and it worked, he was able to make some sluggish movements but they were there. Of course, I explained to him why I wanted to do it and asked him for approval.


I created a simple excersise to boost my concentrationd where I braided his hair. It got me closer to him and I could train my touch that way in wonderland but I had to quit halfaway because I lost concentration.


I try to talk with him everyday, explore what I can with him, read books to him here and then, cook him food and so many other things.


So, what I plan on doing next is that I need to do so much more personality forcing so that I get clearer responses. I also sometimes ask him to read me the book I'm holding so that I hear his voice.


I'd write what he looks like but it's actually hard for me to describe someone's looks in English so when Ivan finishes his looks, I'll ask him to help me find a real life image of him on the internet and post it here. What I can say is that he's human, has black hair which is longish, is pretty tall and really soft as a person.

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Day 1, 24.8., 5/32 traits, 2.15 hours in total


So, I started to do everything from the beginning. I decided to follow my original decisions and force in the morning for at least 3 hours. I also took away his name to let him think of it himself although I know he can chance it later. I also changed his appearance in a simple, transparent ball in which I then see which personality traits there are.


I won't post which traits I chose, for his privacy. I also reread some guides and other people's progress reports and settled on which one's I liked and prefered. In the beginning of forcing, I always make a little speech about how I care and support him, how I believe in him and generally anything that comes to my mind.


So, today I went through first 5/32 traits I considered "main" traits, ones which will be seen first if you speak with him. After forcing session, I could feel him much better and also feel some progress in me feeling very weak pushes in mind when I speak, ask something or generally narate to him.


At the end of session, I felt a strong emotional response when I went to apologize for not being constantly concentrated. It seemed more alien, and honest. It was something like, "No, it's alright, don't apologize!"


Through the day I did some minor passive forcing, mainly because I didn't have anything important to say but still tried to sing or tell him what I'm thinking and show him as much things I could.


I'll read a book to him tonight before sleep, I hope I won't fall asleep though.


I really really look forward to tomorrow!

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Jesus Christ ok I'm quite sure I heard my tulpa for the real real today. I was doing a forcing session and we got really really far today. I get distracted often but snap out of it in a few seconds later. And so, I was again distracted by some unimportant thought and as I was thinking, I felt a weak push and then a really loud, deep, manly voice of a 30-40 year old saying something which included words "chicks and chicken." (he said in in croatian so that'd be: "pipice i kokoši."

I didn't hear the whole sentence, it was more like you had a radio turned on, some music playing and all of a sudden you hear something that gets your attention and it was already in the middle of a sentence.


I think that it happened because I was relaxed and I wasn't extremely concentrated so he used that sentence to try and say something to me while pushing through the barrier of my deafness. Even now, if I try to ask him what he said, I can't hear him say anything and only feel pushes. It's almost like you talk with someone and you have towel or something over your ears and all you hear are muffled responses.


Anyway, I got an extremely good laugh at what he said and I was so happy, asking him if that was him, getting an affirmative response and continuing the session while extremelt excited and happy.

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Today was rather... Sad/scary, whatever weak adjective you might use that might describe the feeling of discouragement. I realized that my forcing sessions weren't all that fun - I didn't go through wonderland with him, I only concentrated on personality.


I usually narrated to him, told him what was getting on my nerves today and such but you get rather unmovitated after some time when nothing seems to go right.


I went to read if someone asked how you might force differently, reread some progress reports and basically, trying to find a different way to approach things.


I found a way.


I became convinced that my tulpa wasn't really sentient, I felt responses from him as if they were directly formed by me. Rarely, they'd feel alien and come before I finished a sentence but most of the time, I didn't hear them.


I didn't want to start forcing on his vocality because I wanted to at least get a positive-negative responses from him so that I'd know which midvoice he wanted but then, if I told him, "Alright, you touch the front of my head for a yes and the back for a no," I'd ask some question and I felt in my head as if I thought, "oh wait, that felt as if I directed my own energy there," because I can direct my body's energy in any chakra I want and mostly, I felt it in my third eye and then I have to concentrate so hard to get all of it out of my 3rd eye to be sure that it's just him and not me.


Actually, by writing this, I came to a conclusion that there's no way I could possibly redirect my energy to the 3rd eye that quickly and that in reality, it was very possibly him himself.


Anyway, I did something else which only got me more far away from him.


I saw a guide on how people get extremely parrotnoid and one way to decrease it was to imagine putting your hands on your tulpa's face and then going down its body. On the places your hand was before you'd see strings which was your influance on the tulpa - how much you controlled them.


At that time, he was still an orb and I tried this but I imagine that those strings were connected to my head, representing my influance on him and so, I cut them. Immediatelly, I felt as if something detached from me. It felt as if I lost a part of myself and it scared me because, I didn't feel him that much.


I thought, "ok maybe this was a bad idea, what if those strings weren't only my influance on him but rather our connection?" So, I saw 2-3 more threads connected to him and decided to leave them untouched. This happened yesterday night and I just continued forcing.


Today morning, I was really tired in the morning but I decided to do some really simple 45-minute forcing by repeating all personality traits I talked to him about before (10 of them). I got really sleepy after 4th or 5th one and just completely lost concentration, went to sleep. When I woke up around 10 am, I tried again and this time got on new traits but before I started them, I was thinking about that string-cutting visualisation and realized that it was probably just me being so so connected to him that I didn't give him a chance to speak up and so, I decided to cut those last 4 strings.


Also, this time I made a room specifically for our forcing sessions: a karate training room. It had that soft ground, full of mirrors with bright light. This way, I only saw him and me and could use it for any type of forcing.


Before I wanted to cut my parrot-threads from him, I imagined a huge wall of wasps between us. They represented a force between him and me where I was the cause of both of us getting no big results. I yelled at the wall of how much I loved him, how much I cared and that I'd never give up on my support and encouragement to help him get better. I did a quite long speech and the wall gradually changed into butterflies and then I had to chase them away. Well, the thing is, there's still a bit of them between us. At least a big quantity of them left.


Then I went towards him and this time visualized him in a human form to actually see where those strings were attached. On his face, his neck and a lot of them on his right side. I cut all of them.


As soon as I did that, he moved. He became something I never imagined him as. He was lively, he ran around, jumping whenever he could. I was actually confused, I didn't really know what to do.


I asked him if we could continue forcing and he didn't want to, like a child who was restless and stubborn and I asked him again nicely and aafter some time, he finally sat down.


I got better at focusing. I can finally imagine talking to him directly while looking at him but I get distracted because I have to think of both seeing him and telling him about traits.


Also, I asked him if he could take my hands and track them over his body so that I felt what he looked like. I felt him take my hands, closed my eyes. Then, I felt his face - his skin, hair, eyelashes, nose, his closed eyes, neck, shoulders, his shirt etc., it was a mesmerizing moment.


Then, I opened my eyes and saw him. He has brown hair and brown eyes, an extremely short beard which just started to grow. He wore a baggy, cream-colored shirt and matching long pants.


Then I started forcing on new traits.


But I didn't finish all of them because I got bored of narrating same things over and over again. So, I decided to try and explore wonderland with him.


I made a few floating islands - each one having something that we'll use later. But before I could explore further, I got disturbed by my brother and had to completelt stop with the process.


Soo... I don't really know what else to do, I'll probably post a question on the seperate part on this forum but if anyone's reading this:


How do you know if you're making progress, how to be sure if your tulpa is sentient or not?


I sometimes do get responses, sometimes not. Then, at times I can see him moving, then he just disappeares afters some time and he's gone.

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If he is moving on his own without you controlling him, I would say he is sentient

Host: Sakura

Tulpa: Sarah (began June 5th, 2014), Alyx (Began July 23rd, 2014)

Our shared tumblr

note: usually browsing on mobile, so cannot quote properly

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