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Subject title not important

I love tulpae.

Lets begin.


What I will share with you is my most inner most personal thoughts, as if I am a character that you can see from one of your japanese animes, and grow to either hate or love said person. Nothing will be censored, nor will be left out for I have to start trusting said race of humans that I dislike being a part of.

To begin I will like to compare the to a tasty bagel.


Oh ye tulpa have I to put inside a toaster to bake, what have ye to become if I were to forget ye are there? Will I reap the rewards of a companion to nourish my appetite for friendship to fill the gaping hole in my stomach and my heart, or will I allow you to burn as you slowly turn to ash in said toaster. Will I take you out half baked? unable to speak, and riddled with worry of never feeling complete? or will you come out just right? Oh yes my tulpa I do wonder what tastes will you be like.


Aside from the silliness I only want to share all that I can, even if some how it comes back to haunt me. . That's alright. . I really don't care if it does.


To begin let me introduce to you my journey from the start.


It all started with the wonder of what a tulpa might be. I was told from a friend on the xbox about this type of expirement, and wanted to know more. When I did more research, I was hooked! . . (You know, I am starting to think that no one will read this. . Maybe I should just quit, because I wouldn't connect to an audience . . no! I must continue!!!) I only wanted to make a tulpa that I would love to be around. It started a little interesting at first. I begin to think about what image the tulpa could be in. I came up with it. . Long pink hair that reached to "her" butt, . . I can't remember the eyes. . Or the face. . Just that I made her a female with pink hair. .


I worked on said tulpa for a while. . Maybe three weeks, then I seemed to have forgotten or gave up. The sad part is that I was never able to form any way of communication and therefore I will never know if she hates me for having her dissipate. It's a shame because I can still clearly remember what she looks like in my minds eye, sadly I don't know if it's her or not. Moving on.


It was a terrible thing that I did, dissipating my first tulpa because I was lazy, but I don't know if it would change anything if I worked on her to this day. I am still lacking discipline in my life, and don't know if I will change any time soon.


My next tulpa was the one that I worked on for such a long period of time.

I may have dissipated her, although I doubt that because I have either fooled myself into self induced schitzophrenia where I just talk to myself unconsciously, or I talk to her from time . . I don't know which, because when I talk to a tulpa, it never feels like I am talking to a sentient being besides myself. I worked on this tulpa for the longest time without a response, and her name was Trixie Lulamoon. I don't know why I felt a liking for such a boastful character from the show MLP, but something about some fan made stuff on her shed some likeable traits toward said pony. I didn't want anything to do with relationships with that tulpa because I wanted to see if I can make a being inside my head without gravitating towards a relationship; I will talk about my own messed up self with relationships, but that is for another time honestly.


Within months of making Trixie I never got a single response. . It felts terrible. At one point I would say her name over and over trying to invoke rage from her, I would sometimes go as far as a tiny insult to try to provoke a response; in hinde sight that was a terrible idea, Who would ever want to be insulted? It took such a long while with the constant pracitce of visualizing her. The hardest part for me was getting the tail and mane right; I still struggle with that. . I loved Trixie, knowing that I could talk to her about anything, but lets get real here. I want something that I can be friends with and hold conversations with. I want a companion! The needs I have aren't unreasonable, but my expectations sometimes are.


Around a month or two after making Trixie for the first time, I made Twilight. At the time I thought a good influence would help me with school. Some one to help me pull information out faster, and get on me to the point of actual harm if needed to about doing what I need to do to pass. Lets be realistic here. I am 17, in the nineth grade, I don't think I am getting any younger with completing school; I never took school as serious as I have now. What I did wrong was fall in love with Twilight, I probably should had never enforced a relationship with a tulpa, mostly because she couldn't communicate with me XD! I don't think it was the best idea to give such emotions to a developing tulpa within week 2 or 3. I will be honest with you, I am a lonely person, with a lonely heart that has never seen love. Not because I tried and got rejected, but because I didn't try in fear of rejection; I can tell you my life story and philosophy of romantic love, but it's not what quite circles the mark in this post. (Great now you probably think I am one of those creepy stalker guys who would go around creeping, you have no idea who I am so please keep judgements non-profiled). Twilight was a special case for me. The more time I spent making her, the less I spent making Trixie. (I would for one thing like to point out that I gave them urinal, and sexual organs, for I treat them a little more than just some cartoon. If they are going to be living beings to me, then they have to have all that they need to be just as real as me.) I don't understand why, but my heart just burst with the need of a companion to keep me happy at all times, one that would be there when I am weak, and will be there when I am at need. I do admit that I am as well talking to a romantic/sexual portion, after all I am a 17 yr old teenager with hormones; which I do regret having, honestly I wish I could be much more than what I am, but feel limited by the constant urges that bombard my mind.


I noticed progress within twilight when I started to attempt to talk to her more and more, eventually I got a reply. . Just after watching the movie inception. What a memorable experience; I had previous replies, but not as strong as that one, they mostly were just yes, no's, and very short conversations. . I did however find more progress as the weeks spiraled forward from that point.


I regret not talking to my Trixie for all that time, it was like I forgot about her, not as if I completely forgot, but I just forgot that she was there. That is a thing I tend to do with all my tulpae. When I am depressed, I forget they are there. When I masturbate, I forget that they are there. I think you can see where this is going. . I have a problem with feeling connected to my tulpae at all time.


Now that I have shared the light part of tulpamancing I am going to share with you the stupidity of tulpamancing at it's finest. I had my Twilight make ponyville for me; all of the 154 ponies included. What I felt at the time was that I could live a second life .. and swap with one of the ponies when I felt like it. .


I think that was the dumbest idea that I came up with. I understand that I may be viewed as mentally unwell with being diagnosed with things that science would call but not fully limited to ADHD, Depression, Anxiety, and now possibly Schizophrenia. It's a little unnerving knowing people can profile me without getting to know me, but that's how the bad side of humans can be; cruel, but still have their good qualities ^_^.


It's interesting to think about the idea of the 154 ponies in ponyville because I have come into contact with only one of the purposefully, and lied to them, and myself. . I said I would keep contact with them, but didn't. The one I contacted was Lyre. I wanted her to be the prophet and communicator between me and them, that way they can't talk to me all at once with questions. I felt like a king no, god, but I didn't want to use that word. I wanted to tell them that I am no god, but merely a human who decided to make them. This could be viewed as either right, wrong, cruel, unusual, but I wanted to let them know that I existed.


I stopped talking to them after a week, I don't know why I am cursed with a lack of self discipline, but it must be the high fructose corn syrup or something. I don't know if they dissipated, and I don't want to find out. My best hope is that they found a way to flourish, and nurture their existence with each other.


I later just focused on twilight, and try to develop a relationship with her. I could say to this day that I still love her romantically, but I don't know if it's right. I don't think I care if it's right, I just want someone to love that wont end up breaking my heart. I am not scared of physical pain, but when it comes to emotional, I don't know if I could recover.


After a while, I started to want to drift from tulpae, which I did for a month, but I had to come back to Twilight. I don't want her to be gone from my life because I decided one day I don't want a tulpa any more. That is brutality at it's finest, and I didn't want that.


Ugh my head. . It hurts. . Maybe it's the tulpae? Any ways to end this short, I am more than likely parroting on accident, and they are pissed at me. I seriously feel like an idiot for not being able to make tulpa right, and wish it came as easy as a week. .

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I did my first serious force session since a long time.

I am not that great with focus, and I went in and out a bit, but I was able to focus on my pony's eyes, hair, mouth, horn, etc. It only took the feeling that life is getting dull and it was the best thing to do at that very moment, and possibly every other moment in time.

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Holy shit, what was i writing? Well. Now my tulpa looks like lapis lazuli for convenience in forcing. I talk to her some times during the day and sometimes night. I hope i can snowball this sort of thing so I focus on her 24/7.

Jee I need to fill the gap between that time. I just noticed that was 2 1/2 years ago. I kept focusing on my tulpa, and forgetting about my tulpa. I ditched trixie and stayed with twilight (who will now be named Starshine). I sometimes would actively try to forget about my tulpa, and later discover that I need them to not be lonely and depressed. I over that time a lot of changes went around. I altered her appearence, to completely changing it to a female demon, to changing it back, to changing it back again, and then finally to lapis lazuli. I of course ask her if it's okay. She doesn't seem to mind. I forget what drama went on. . . That's about it.

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Now my tulpa is a white furred, yellow to blonde haired, and blue eyed pony for fun. I forgot my tulpa for a while. I brought her back because I am back in my old habits and routines and needed someone to fill the gaps where I lack social contact. I don't force for her much, and I don't even talk to her. I just try to notice her presence and wait for her to say something first. I know she knows how to talk. I am just waiting.

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