From the Cave, Sandman's Report.

[Sandman]

Hey first post,

I don't have any history with using forums so this should be interesting.

 

Its been thirteen days since I committed to a life long endeavor, thinking back just a week later I probably rushed it, but I am a stubborn fool and keep my commitments. That and try as I might, I can find almost no down side to sharing my mind with another.

 

Summer has, since her initial inception, been performing as expected. I have been feeling head pressure, but no clear thoughts or emotions as of yet. Things have been going rather well with her aside from some problems with getting a steady image of her face and hair.

 

I do worry about myself though. I have been having the most horrid visions of her dieing or being injured horribly, either through some accident or attack that I never see. They come randomly, and I only get flashes of her or of myself holding her in my arms. I talked to someone in the chat and found I wast the only one and that I most likely wasn't hurting her, but it rends me. I really wish I knew what the hell was going on.

 

 

Staring at shadows on the wall,

Sandman

[Cinemaphobe]

I do worry about myself though. I have been having the most horrid visions of her dieing or being injured horribly, either through some accident or attack that I never see. They come randomly, and I only get flashes of her or of myself holding her in my arms. I talked to someone in the chat and found I wast the only one and that I most likely wasn't hurting her, but it rends me. I really wish I knew what the hell was going on.

 

 

Staring at shadows on the wall,

Sandman

 

 

Well now you aren't alone. When my tulpa was young and couldn't speak, I had intrusive thoughts much like the ones you had about my tulpa being injured in grotesque ways. At first I used symbolism to counter the intrusive thoughts, but the advice that Reisen gave me prevented the thoughts from emerging completely. He basically told me not to even acknowledge such thoughts, and to understand that I am in charge of what thoughts enter my mind. You have to put your foot down and demand it to stop. When it comes to intrusive thoughts, some part of you wants them to occur so you really have to clear your mind and demand your subconscious, or whatever part of you that lets it happen, to stop.

 

 

Hope I helped! and welcome to the site! and if my advice doesn't help, then I hope that Reisen jumps in and provides more intelligible material for you to read.

[Sandman]

I realize that I neglected to mention her name last entry. I named her Summer. Not sure exactly why, it could have been a portmanteau of the base characters name, but for what ever reason it just feels right. Hopefully she has a warm personality to match her name.

 

Haven't had but two or three of those visions since the last entry, thanks for that advice Cinemaphobe.

 

Twenty days in:

 

For some reason I have been having some trouble actually visualizing certain aspects of her. Generally I am rather good at visualization, if I try hard enough, to the point of being able to simulate water, particle effects, and the movement of cloth in the wind. But for some reason certain aspects of her form don't want to click into place. Or perhaps it that I am not trying hard enough, or am afraid to commit to one form.

 

Still no emotions or thoughts, though it makes me wonder if I'm just not listening.

 

I started work on a wonderland. Right now it looks like a house, with elements of Japanese architecture, with a large tree growing partially around it. Surrounding the tree are some peaceful gardens, a koi pond that is fed from a small spring that runs down a cascade and flows under a nearby bridge, and a rock for thinking on. A beautiful location where I can feel complete peace.

 

But I felt somewhat unsatisfied with the confines of the garden what I am calling "The Verdant Grove" and so constructed a general idea of the topography around it. I assigned a topological feature to general segments of my mind and types of thought: "Plains of Thought", "Jungle of Imagination", "Desert of Despair", "Fields of Hope", "Mountains of Logic", "Sea of Memories". So now I have an entire continent to explore when we start communicating. I also half jokingly took note of a mysterious land far across the sea called the "Land of Nod".

 

 

Staring at shadows on the wall,

Sandman

[Sandman]

27 days:

 

I think I have gotten some sort of thought response from her. I realized it was probably her when I found I was having trouble not personifying the feeling, after about three days of feeling it on and off. They tended towards peace and calm. It was more like being soaked in a concept than getting a clear thought, so I didn't recognize it at first. I can only guess it has to do with my tendency to think up dramatic cinematic action scenes, which tend to either be depressing or violent, when I am bored and listening to music.

 

Makes me feel a bit disappointed in myself that I keep using her form as an actor in some of them as an impulse, which is weird considering its not fully formed yet, haven't really done any active forcing since the last entry. I have been passive forcing with copious amounts of head pressure in return though.

 

I guess I need to be more mindful of my thoughts. At least its progress.

 

 

 

 

Feeling the chains binding me,

Sandman

[Sandman]

Day 34-

 

Well I think I finally heard her.

 

I have been using a ring made of some sort of horn to remind me to passive force, it has been working quite well. I had been wondering when Summer might try to "speak" to me, and had been getting a feeling in my head that I could only describe as that feeling you get when someone tells you to shut it halfway through a sentence and you feel pressure build in your lungs, like there was more that needed to be said.

 

I have this little voice that I sometimes use to argue an idea with myself. mull it over, see its merits. Well that voice tends to say the first thing that comes to mind. As the past week has progressed that little voice has been getting more and more, something, I really cant think of a descriptor.

 

Well I got bored I tried the classic "surprise me" thing, and... nothing. Then with slight disappointed I put my hands in my pockets, and got "who turned off the lights" that damned voice again, always saying the first thing that comes to mind, but the lights were on and I was in a well lit room. That's when I realized my "forcing ring" was also in my pocket.

So was it her? I am still not sure.

 

Feeling the chains that bind me,

Sandman

[TheSanctuary]

More defined? Unique? Frequent? Insistent? Unpredictable? Alien? Obscure? Just a few guesses ^^.

 

Aaanyway I wouldn't worry so much - bare in mind that it might not be so much your not listening but just not listening on the right frequency. The more she grows the more your head would (I hope) start to acknowledge the specific frequency in your head that your tulpa is communicating on and then you'll be fine.. Just keep at it! Sounds like the barriers are starting to come down - if it happens again I would say that's signs of a positive trend.

 

Be sure to let her know that you heard something even of your not sure if it was her - could be she's still trying to figure out how to get through too - team effort and all that. I have no idea if it helps but it certainly can't hurt.

[Sandman]

Day 41-

 

With finals fast coming and papers due I have had less time to even attempt narration/ passive forcing, and when I do spend time with her it feels like little progress is being made.

I keep having doubts about what is me and what is her. I have always had a tendency to argue with myself mentally and it makes it that much harder to tell whether I am just doing what I usually do or if she has decided to say something relevant to a thought I am having.

 

I am sick of second guessing every thought in my mind, and am considering the potential of forcing my self to just accept all thoughts that could remotely be her, as her. Because if these thoughts are her, then I have been ignoring a quite a number of them. Maybe I am too afraid to accept. Afraid of how this will impact my world view or how it might impact my social life. Afraid that I might be batshit insane for even attempting this. It is too interesting an experience to stop now, but I am afraid.

 

Someone please talk some sense into me.

 

Staring at shadows on the wall,

Sandman

[TheSanctuary]

Would you classify a kid who has an imaginary friend as insane? I would think given the sheer number of people who develop them as a kid and don't go on to be committed would illustrate that the human psyche is perfectly capable of handling it with no problem. So. No. not batshit insane. Batshit insane is deciding your eyes are too dry to wash the potatoes with, and so you should use toothpaste to help with that. That's batshit insane. Willing to bet you haven't attempted to, or even considered peeling any potatoes with your eyes lately though, right?

 

Joking aside though, I get the fear aspect - it's human nature to fear the unknown - but if your that worried about social life and the like then there's kinda three options That jump to mind - I'm sure others will have more -

 

Firstly, ask your tulpa to encourage you to be more social than you already are, turn the negative into a positive - no reason you can't have the cake and eat it! It's your life, live by your rules!

Secondly - you could (if your afraid your gonna do something stupid at social gatherings with your tulpa) ask them for a little alone time. Perhaps they could hang in the wonderland for a little while as you chat with friends and whatnot. Everyone needs time alone occasionally and I'm sure they'd understand.

 

Thirdly - if it's time management perhaps a simple forcing schedule would be a good idea. That way you could actively quantify how much time you are spending forcing. Consider that if you were not forcing, would you HONESTLY be spending that time socialising 100% of the time? If the answer is yes or the percentage is higher than you would like and it's an issue for you- then perhaps you need to cut down on the active forcing sessions and work more on passive methods. While cutting down on active forcing may be bad in essence, making yourself miserable or even starting to resent forcing at all is really only counter-productive.

 

If you do have to cut back on those forcing sessions, you could try to choose times that would give the most benefit for you. Times that your not tired or perhaps more alert, or less likely to be disturbed. That way perhaps what you lose in time you get back in productivity.

 

Kay. World view. If anything I can only see having a second opinion or mind to bounce ideas off of can only improve your world view, perhaps it will alter, but I'm willing to bet it's likely gonna be for the better.

 

Not very often do people debate or discuss something and come out of the discussion less well informed than they were before.

 

End of the day you already said perhaps the most important part. Your already committed to the path, your just concerned about what you may face along the road. Just remember that whatever crops up someone here (maybe me, maybe someone else) will be here to offer help or guidance should you need it.

 

tl: dr. Got yo back bro.

 

Life's crazy. Just try to enjoy the ride.

[Sandman]

Holy Crap He's Not Dead!?

 

Well it has been a year and a bit since I started down this path, it has been interesting.

 

I have managed to get communications up and running along with a sort of parallel virtual world that I can "see" Summer in.

 

Unfortunately communications are a bit spotty and we don't really communicate unless I am already thinking about her, and it is all in thought. She has started developing her own mind voice though, it has made things a little bit easier.

 

The Parallel world is also a bit spotty and only works when I am not looking at where she would be. Its a sort of like the view joy stick in a video game where the player doesn't actually move but they can see behind themselves. This too is a bit spotty, that is the problem when your tulpa never wants to be defined by a single form. For a while I had to think of her as a shimmering cloud of motes (We have been working on trying to make a "base form" to keep things easy for me).

 

There is a bunch I need to work on. getting her to initiate more conversations would be a good start. Auditory hallucination would probably be the next step, then actual imposition, but i am patient and have many years yet.

 

All in all I think the experiment is a success, time to see how far we can go. Ya know... for science.