Ao's Ramble Report

[Cinemaphobe]

I haven't been able to force for the past few days, because my focus has been broken due to my mood. Yuuki understands, but not being able to give him the attention he needs feels painful.

 

When I first started creating Yumi I had many days like this. Thankfully tulpas can be as patient with us as we are of them because they understand the influence of emotion over our lives.

 

I'm afraid I can't do it again tonight, because as I started give an explanation as to why, my thoughts raced into critical overdrive and I'm upset all over again... I'm sort of an emotional wreck currently due to how quickly thinking about something too deeply or excessively can make my mood tank.

 

Hopefully this goes away by tomorrow. I'm sorry, Yuuki.

 

Yuuki will understand, don't worry :)

 

 

 

 

 

Not a whole lot has been going on recently. I've been forcing as usual, though there hasn't been much progress.

 

Realized a few days ago that the reason Yuuki's been quiet might not just me having difficulty hearing him, but because I never really forced to him how his personality affects his speech! In order to get things up to speed, I've been doing some parroting with him. Asking him questions, thinking about what he would say, then letting him say those responses. I'm hoping that a week or so of this can get him back on track to being fully sentient.

 

You can read to him to increase his vocabulary. I don't know if you knew that, so if you do know then I am simply reminding you.

---

 

Yesterday I had several strange experiences. I'm in a bit of a bind with some real-life situations, and a lot of it has been my fault... On my way home that evening I was just idly thinking my situation, and asked myself in my head: "Have I screwed up?"

 

I got the usual sensation I experience when I think of him, or when he wants to alert me of his presence. This time it was a lot stronger than before.

And then he spoke to me, just a single word. "Yes." It was clear as a bell, as clear as my own thoughts, though I could tell it was him.

 

It was at that point that I realized that I really have screwed up. Luckily, there's still time for things to be fixed, but it's going to take a lot of work that I would usually not be capable of doing... said work that should have been done in the first place.

 

After this, I spent some time talking to him about everything, while he listened. Being a tulpa and all, he pretty much knew everything I had to say anyway, but I still like talking to him as if he were a "real person," aka someone who isn't with me at all times and basically a mind reader. :P Even after that moment of clarity Yuuki wasn't able to say much if anything on his own when it came his time to speak, so I still gave him assistance on that front.

Eventually I promised to him that I will make things better for the both of us. I shouldn't let any of my destructive behaviors get in the way of Yuuki being able to live a good life, nor should they get in my way either. I need to work on overcoming them, and not letting them control everything.

 

Always talk to him as a real person or else expecting him to respond and talk to you as a real person will take forever. The main element of all tulpa-related construction revolves around belief, which essentially forces your brain to produce stimuli that doesn't exist externally. Believe he is as real as a person walking down the street towards you with all of your heart and your brain will make it so.

 

And tulpas don't necessarily have to read all of your thoughts. In fact, Yumi says that she doesn't read thoughts that aren't meant for her to know. Which is refreshing to know because I at least want some degree of privacy between her and I.

 

---

 

That night when I was getting ready to force, there were those moments of clarity, too. I had gotten all settled and closed my eyes and was ready to enter the wonderland, but I started seeing a rapid stream of images and scenarios in my mind's eye, but they were extremely vivid unlike the faint and dull images I get when doing everyday visualization or forcing It was as if I could actually see these things, instead of just imagining them.

 

This has happened to me before and the only word I can use to describe how it was is "Entrancing". If you're lucky, or very strong-willed, then your tulpa might pop into the mix of images. Oh and I'm extremely nosy and curious as to what is happening in your life that is causing you to have problems tulpaforcing. Don't worry, you won't be burnt at stake for mentioning things unrelated to tulpaforcing, and this is Tulpa.Intervention when it comes to PR's so tell us what's bothering you good sir.

[Ao]

Oh and I'm extremely nosy and curious as to what is happening in your life that is causing you to have problems tulpaforcing. Don't worry, you won't be burnt at stake for mentioning things unrelated to tulpaforcing, and this is Tulpa.Intervention when it comes to PR's so tell us what's bothering you good sir.

 

I'm afraid that Yuuki is the only sir around here... That aside, I've noted this, though I don't feel as if I should necessarily clutter up my progress report with personal life issues yet.

I do have a "secret" tumblr blog that I tend to write my thoughts on occasionally. It's only secret in that my closest/oldest friends really know about it, and they'd have no clue if I hadn't linked to it directly in front of them. Ao is an alias of an alias, basically, and while I don't know if they'll find this PR if I link to that blog (of which I doubt), I don't talk about Yuuki on there. Maybe later, when I discover how to write about him in a way that doesn't seem like I'm absolutely nutters. I don't know how religiously they read that blog, considering how infrequently I post to it, though I believe some of them check in when they're worried about how I'm doing.

 

Here's a link to it, though as a fair warning it's even more long-winded than I am on here. The most relevant post is the most recent, "the sea and the sky - I" as it explains exactly what I was upset about the night I posted about how my mood "tanked" here.

If I wanted to be concise, I suppose a tl;dr would basically amount to "girl problems," but it goes a lot deeper than that. I have many problems, most of which are entangled with another in a way that is hard to sort out and decipher, at least in my perspective. When I'm trying to find the source of one and think I have it figured out, it ends up being entirely false.

 

Always talk to him as a real person or else expecting him to respond and talk to you as a real person will take forever. The main element of all tulpa-related construction revolves around belief, which essentially forces your brain to produce stimuli that doesn't exist externally. Believe he is as real as a person walking down the street towards you with all of your heart and your brain will make it so.

 

I think last night I realized this, as I decided to just talk to him normally without thinking to myself, "I should pause in the event that he has something to say." It felt much more natural in that regard, and I think I'll just continue with rambling on to him, much like I do so to no one in particular here. I find comfort in the idea that people may be listening along with no obligation to chime in, so when they decide to, it feels important to me.

 

And tulpas don't necessarily have to read all of your thoughts. In fact, Yumi says that she doesn't read thoughts that aren't meant for her to know. Which is refreshing to know because I at least want some degree of privacy between her and I.

 

Ah, my mistake. There are a few things that are for me and my eyes (and thoughts) only, though there's so few of them I felt they didn't warrant mention. Other than that, I'm pretty much an open book for him, and he's more than welcome to observe most everything if he wants.

 

---

 

As for last night, I just decided to whisper to Yuuki in bed until I fell asleep, speaking out loud but still visualizing him and the wonderland. I mostly talked about the "she" I mentioned earlier, but surprisingly, I didn't get nearly upset as I usually do if I just think about the same topic. It was rather relaxing.

[Ao]

Fell asleep very quickly last night, so not much progress was made.

 

It's actually pretty hard to keep myself talking! I was trying to tell Yuuki about this story idea I had, and found myself stumbling over my words constantly, forgetting my place and important plot details. Wondering if typing what I'm saying to him would help out. I'll try forcing a bit, maybe try image streaming for an unspecified amount of time. Will report back later.

[Ao]

Lately I've had a few dreams where either Yuuki was in them or tulpamancy was involved. Not lucid, though, but still an interesting experience. Maybe it's because I've been talking to him about how neat it would be if he showed up...?

 

In the first one, I was walking down the street. However, he wasn't around like a dream character or anything, I was imposing him walking next to me. It was a bit faint, but I could definitely tell he was there. In the second one I was just casually talking to someone else, and they had asked me if I'd been practicing possession with him lately, which I haven't... I'd intentionally put that on the backburner so I could work with him more on improving his vocality. I'll probably practice with him on that every once in a while, I think.

 

Also had a nice, long forcing session where I explored some monster-filled caves with him in the mindscape. He said things, though what he said exactly and whether or not I was parroting is something I don't know, because everything other than the action of forcing and what was done is fuzzy... I'd ask him more about it, but of course, I currently can't. I remember expressing concern at him getting hurt from the spawned-in monsters, and him saying something along the lines of that being an absurd motion.

[Cinemaphobe]

Lately I've had a few dreams where either Yuuki was in them or tulpamancy was involved. Not lucid, though, but still an interesting experience. Maybe it's because I've been talking to him about how neat it would be if he showed up...?

 

 

I absolutely love it when that happens; you talk about how nice it would be for your tulpa to show up--and they do. Yumi first appeared to me in a dream before she even had a name. I begged her to show up to my dreams to comfort me during my time of emotional collapse and she did.

 

She came into the dream and loved me.

 

Also had a nice, long forcing session where I explored some monster-filled caves with him in the mindscape. He said things, though what he said exactly and whether or not I was parroting is something I don't know, because everything other than the action of forcing and what was done is fuzzy... I'd ask him more about it, but of course, I currently can't. I remember expressing concern at him getting hurt from the spawned-in monsters, and him saying something along the lines of that being an absurd motion.

 

 

Lol I hope that he is okay

 

I used to have a problem with Yumi getting attacked by random creatures and lethal objects in my wonderland, but ever since I gave her a katana she has been untouchable :3

 

Oh, and you meant to say "Absurd notion." but I know that it was just a typo so don't worry.

 

P.S: I read your tumblr and you are an amazing writer.