Ao's Ramble Report

[Ao]

I decided to make an account here so I could create a progress report; I usually post in the tulpa subreddit's weekly threads but I figure having a personal thread over here could be better for not only reminding myself to spend time with my tulpa, but I'm a little less restricted on how long my posts can be and their content. Course, they can't be too long, I'd rather not scare off people with walls of boring text. :P

 

Short introduction: I'm Ao (or Zero, I suppose), ao-zero on reddit. I'm quite the novice tulpamancer, I've only been doing this for about a month and a week. My tulpa's name is Yuuki, though he's known as "Ari" on the subreddit due to me originally freaking out about him getting confused with someone else's tulpa who is also male and also named Yuuki. After a while I kind of realized that being worried about such a thing is really silly, because after all, there's plenty of people named the same thing in the world.

 

As of this writing, Yuuki himself is sentient, to an extent. He doesn't seem to do much on his own. However, I'm still in a small parrotnoia stage where I can't really tell if I'm parroting, puppeting, both, or neither, though I'm not too worried either way. He'll come around on his own eventually, I have no doubt there.

 

I'll write a post more about him later, probably tomorrow.

For in the future: if Yuuki wishes to speak, the text will be colored navy.

 

Since I didn't start up this log right as I started creating Yuuki, I'll just sum up everything leading up to now.

 

A few days in, I started getting head pressures from him. However, I think I may have overdone it a bit, because getting responses this way is very, very unreliable now. I can still feel the pressures, though they seem to bounce all over the place, from left to right to front to back and everywhere in-between. I recently moved over to a possession-based system for yes/no questions, one I came up with that works rather well and I suppose could support up to five answers instead of just the two standard ones of yes and no.

 

Most forcing I do is passive. At night, I try to force actively for an hour or so before getting tired and going to sleep. During the day, I call out to him, imagine his presence, etc. If I do call his name I don't get a vocal response back unless my intention is to ask him something (in those cases, he'll usually say "Yes?" before I go on, but does not answer the question) though I do get a very specific sensation on my lower back. This happens nearly every time, and I really cannot pin down any sort of description to that sensation at all. It's very odd, though in a way, it's... nice, for the lack of a better term.

 

I've been interested in lucid dreaming for years, though I've never had much luck with it. However, since starting off a WILD by willing your body to basically go into sleep paralysis is pretty similar to disassociating with it so your tulpa can take over, I kinda figured out how to disassociate from there. It's not exactly the same thing, and I wasn't the greatest at the former anyway, but it's something I can do, though weakly. It's enough that Yuuki can control one of my hands if I let him, but I can easily take the control back (and have done on accident on occasion, which I usually apologize for).

 

As for how I do it, it's pretty much symbolically... I lay down in bed and rest one of my arms in a neutral position, palm down. I focus on that arm and after a while the feeling of it being there just sort of fades, but doesn't entirely go away most of the time. Sometimes I imagine the arm turning into sand and crumbling away. When that's done, I face Yuuki in the wonderland and create a glove of sorts, using my "free" arm to touch the other one, making motions as if I were taking an actual glove off. The symbolic glove forms as I do this; it's a translucent shimmery thing. I instruct him to put it on, letting him know its function, and that's it. There's also a failsafe built in: the moment I move the controlled hand on my own accord, the glove immediately shatters into a crystalline dust.

Like I stated above, I use possession to get responses from him, since he can't really talk. I'll ask him something, and assign finger movement to different responses. For yes/no questions, movement of the index finger signifies yes, and any other finger signifies no. Sometimes I get him to do simple math as practice moving my fingers around, though it's kinda difficult since he pretty much knows what the answer will be before I even finish asking the question.

 

So after figuring out that system, I got to work asking him stupidly specific yes/no questions. He seems content with me and everything else so far. And apparently he is capable of speaking, but according to him I just can't hear it, other than those automatic "yes"es I get from asking for him. Not quite sure how to work on that one...

 

And for the record, I have no interest in currently exploring possession further than my hands/arms. I just wanted to see if I could do it, and it gave me a workaround for the garbled head pressure issue. When I'm better able to communicate with Yuuki, I can talk to him further on the subject.

[Ao]

I didn't spend a lot of time forcing last night. I was pretty tired that day, and fell asleep nearly immediately after turning my lights off so I could focus. :\ Light bothers me when I try to force, so I usually do better when it's dark. Unfortunately, I tend to also fall asleep... Maybe I should prop myself up in bed, and maybe turn on some music?

 

I also got woken up a lot last night. Around 5 in the morning due to my cat, and again at 8 because I forgot to shut my phone's alarm off. I don't have classes on Fridays, but I have an alarm on for them anyway... I've been trying off and on with hypnagogic hallucinations. Not a whole lot of luck so far, as usual.

 

I said I was going to make a post describing Yuuki, so why not do it now? It could be nice to have a reference right here near the top of my progress report, for me and for anyone else paying a visit. Gives me a chance to force a little too, since I've got to recall all those details. :P

 

Yuuki is an interesting fellow, to say the least. I suppose that in a way he could be considered a representation of my anima, but also not.

In form and partially in personality, he's based off of the Persona 3 protagonist. I figured that would be a good starting off point, since that's a character I adore and can visualize very well. While the character himself is mainly silent, allowing the player to "make up" their own personality for him, he does have a bit of a more prominent personality in a spin-off game, the manga adaption (where he has the name Minato Arisato, which I attempted to call my tulpa originally), and the movie adaptions (where he's named Makoto Yuuki, the name that actually stuck). His personality is based around some of those, with my own interpretation of the character mixed in, as well as some ideal traits that I wanted in a tulpa on top of that. He's fully aware he's not the character he's based off of (of which I had no expectation for him to adhere to, of course), and his form has deviated slightly as if to show that -- sometimes he boasts a pair of large, smoke-colored wings, but only when the need arises. Which I suppose is often enough, considering my wonderland... but that's something for another post.

 

Personality wise, he's rather rather aloof at a first glance, with a certain coldness about him. Though he seems apathetic to most things, he's actually very different around the people he opens up to: a warm, kind individual who enjoys the company of friends. He's also incredibly loyal and protective, usually wanting nothing more than to keep those he trusts safe and happy.

Of course, he has his number of flaws like any other person. For example, he can be very impulsive. If he has no reason to not do something ("Because why not," I'm sure he'd say), he'll jump at it, and takes on any challenges set in front of him with reckless abandon. He can also be brutally honest at times and might say something very inconsiderate on accident, though he usually apologizes afterward.

Other traits in no particular order: analytical, quick minded, strategic, quiet, brave, stubborn, calm. More to be added as I think of them or as they appear.

Likes video games, honing his skills to perfection, listening to music, really bad puns, nighttime, quiet places (either to hear his music better, or to just think about things). Dislikes physical contact/people intruding in his "personal space," with some exceptions.

 

--

 

As for why I've created him, hmm... Maybe at first it was out of skepticism, or to see if I could. I think now though, it's to have a helping hand with the large number of obstacles in my life, I think. While I have plenty of external support from a decently large network of friends, I think I need internal support more -- someone to help me get over my cripplingly low self-esteem, even if that someone is more or less an independently-acting extension of myself. I think he can help me through some of my problems in the ways that other people cannot, especially since I have difficulty telling others about them. He's able to see the problems for what they are, without me having to relay them to him, usually misinterpreting them in the process. And if he can't help me with that, maybe he can help me find out more about myself.

Other good reasons would be to have a constant companion, maybe like the older brother I'll never have. Different perspectives on things. Someone who can show me what the world is like, while I do the same for him.

 

I think that's all I have to say for now. I think I'm going to make some symbolic items for my wonderland in attempt to get more in tune with Yuuki's voice, maybe talk to him a little, then go to bed. It's going to be morning soon; I'd rather not be awake when the sun rises.

[Ao]

This afternoon after I woke up, I spent some time idly talking to Yuuki. Mostly trying to get him to speak. It was strange though, because I felt the usual sensation I normally get when calling to him, but as I further implored for a response, the sensation strengthened, eventually gathering into a "point." That point then shot through me, piercing as if it were an arrow. It's so hard to explain, and just really weird in general.

 

Also been doing the prism test off and on all day. It's kind of entertaining to make the feather move around in all sorts of crazy ways, but after a while I lose focus of Yuuki entirely, to the point where he just disappears. Probably need to force more on his appearance.

 

During the past week or so I've been musing on the subject of imposition, mostly what it is, how it is used, and how far it can be taken. I mean, I've read about people imposing all manner of things into reality: objects, tulpas (obviously), augmentation of vision usually via a servitor, even partially imposing their wonderlands into their surroundings. There's even that thread of people using imposition to mentally augment their bodies to intentionally give themselves phantom tails, wings, ears, etc. As someone who has experienced feeling phantom wings for several years, it's interesting to read. (Note: these wings usually don't manifest unless I think about them, but... as it turns out, I guess they must be a nearly persistent passing thought.)

While the ideas are absolutely fascinating, it makes me wonder: is there a point where imposition could be taken too far? Could a master theoretically find themselves living in a strange amalgamation of reality and fantasy? Could they eventually forget what's real, and become lost? Further, as long as they know the difference, is taking things that far acceptable so long as it doesn't hurt anyone?

Feel free to share your thoughts on what I will call "extreme imposition."

[Guest amber5885]

I don't think you could really forget what's real and what not since keeping a tulpa imposed takes constant effort, it gets easier with time but you still have to at least passively think of them for it to work.

 

(note Toby is not visually imposed but even with passive forcing that doesn't require much effort for him to dance for me or steal food from my plate I'm still quite aware that I'm forcing)

 

I would think though that of you're tulpa was realistic and you imposed all of the time then for the right person with the right kind of psychosis you could loose yourself and forsake friends, family or lovers for your tulpas company. To me that would be the extreme of imposition gone too far.

[Ao]

Yeah, that was what I was thinking. I'm sure that it could be possible, but the chances of it happening would be incredibly unlikely or near impossible, just due to the upkeep having things imposed takes. It's not something I would ever want to take to an extreme, though it seems like something that would lose any novelty it had very quickly. Plus that whole risk of psychosis thing.

 

Though if I ever do nail down visual imposition well enough, I think exploring a temporarily-imposed-on-reality wonderland would be neat, or just good practice.

[Luminesce]

Though if I ever do nail down visual imposition well enough, I think exploring a temporarily-imposed-on-reality wonderland would be neat, or just good practice.

 

Thinking about this actually makes me a little sad. You know what we called that when we were kids? Imagination. Have you ever seen or read Bridge to Terabithia?

I totally agree though, it's just, that's effectively just allowing your imagination to function the hard way. It's really no different except, this time, we've brought logic with us..

 

Sorry, that quote just made me think.

[Ao]

Thinking about this actually makes me a little sad. You know what we called that when we were kids? Imagination. Have you ever seen or read Bridge to Terabithia?

I totally agree though, it's just, that's effectively just allowing your imagination to function the hard way. It's really no different except, this time, we've brought logic with us..

 

Sorry, that quote just made me think.

 

Ah, Bridge to Terabithia. Such a touching and beautiful story... I think it's good that a story like that can bridge generations and tell people that it's okay to be imaginative. Like you said, what we do is pretty much just accepting that and allowing ourselves to indulge in our imaginations, once all the jargon is stripped away.

 

It is pretty sad that as we age and mature, we lose that sort of childlike wonder and the belief that goes with it. Though I suppose tulpamancy is just doing the same thing again, with suspension of disbelief in place, all the while applying our better knowledge of how the world works in order to take it steps further than it was before. However, no matter how far we can take it, I don't think it can ever feel the same as it was back then...

 

As for making you think, that's completely fine. I enjoy discussion that requires thought, mostly because I do a lot of thinking myself... Though I find if I spend too much time on something, my thoughts tend to get heavy rather quickly. That's just how things are, I suppose.

[Ao]

I haven't been able to force for the past few days, because my focus has been broken due to my mood. Yuuki understands, but not being able to give him the attention he needs feels painful. I'm afraid I can't do it again tonight, because as I started give an explanation as to why, my thoughts raced into critical overdrive and I'm upset all over again... I'm sort of an emotional wreck currently due to how quickly thinking about something too deeply or excessively can make my mood tank.

 

Hopefully this goes away by tomorrow. I'm sorry, Yuuki.

[Ao]

Not a whole lot has been going on recently. I've been forcing as usual, though there hasn't been much progress.

 

Realized a few days ago that the reason Yuuki's been quiet might not just me having difficulty hearing him, but because I never really forced to him how his personality affects his speech! In order to get things up to speed, I've been doing some parroting with him. Asking him questions, thinking about what he would say, then letting him say those responses. I'm hoping that a week or so of this can get him back on track to being fully sentient.

 

---

 

Yesterday I had several strange experiences. I'm in a bit of a bind with some real-life situations, and a lot of it has been my fault... On my way home that evening I was just idly thinking my situation, and asked myself in my head: "Have I screwed up?"

 

I got the usual sensation I experience when I think of him, or when he wants to alert me of his presence. This time it was a lot stronger than before.

And then he spoke to me, just a single word. "Yes." It was clear as a bell, as clear as my own thoughts, though I could tell it was him.

 

It was at that point that I realized that I really have screwed up. Luckily, there's still time for things to be fixed, but it's going to take a lot of work that I would usually not be capable of doing... said work that should have been done in the first place.

 

After this, I spent some time talking to him about everything, while he listened. Being a tulpa and all, he pretty much knew everything I had to say anyway, but I still like talking to him as if he were a "real person," aka someone who isn't with me at all times and basically a mind reader. :P Even after that moment of clarity Yuuki wasn't able to say much if anything on his own when it came his time to speak, so I still gave him assistance on that front.

Eventually I promised to him that I will make things better for the both of us. I shouldn't let any of my destructive behaviors get in the way of Yuuki being able to live a good life, nor should they get in my way either. I need to work on overcoming them, and not letting them control everything.

 

---

 

That night when I was getting ready to force, there were those moments of clarity, too. I had gotten all settled and closed my eyes and was ready to enter the wonderland, but I started seeing a rapid stream of images and scenarios in my mind's eye, but they were extremely vivid unlike the faint and dull images I get when doing everyday visualization or forcing It was as if I could actually see these things, instead of just imagining them. Unfortunately, I had no control over the vivid imagery, and I couldn't get them to stop, either. It entirely broke my focus, and I couldn't talk to Yuuki at all. I wonder if I could experience that level of clarity again, because it was very neat, and if I could control it and be able to see Yuuki and my wonderland like that.

[Ao]

Whenever I visit Yuuki in the wonderland, he's always in the same spot and position. He just sits on the edge of one of the floating islands (the first island made, if I recall correctly) and just looks off into the distant sea. I wonder what the deal is? He's been quiet as ever, though calling to him still gives me that same sensation as usual.

 

Been trying to get better at meditation, too, but it's proving difficult. I know it's done to clear the mind entirely, but I dunno. Whenever I do it I don't really feel any different.

 

I also took a little time to draw Yuuki, though it's a quick doodle and nothing really special. I'm working on something more detailed, I suppose, but this is just a reference for this PR, anyway. As a note: His wings aren't really that small, and are semi-realistic. They're also not always there, usually only whenever he needs them to navigate the wonderland or whatever other reason he has. Sometimes he has his holster on like in the picture, sometimes he doesn't; sometimes there's a sheathed sword in its place, or nothing at all.

I've also seen him with a red lanyard occasionally poking out of one pocket, though I have no idea what's on the end of it. Keys to something, maybe? I suppose I could ask him about it sometime.

 

--

 

I also realize that I never did write a description of what the wonderland looks like. It's really a disconnected series of locales with a central main area, though there's no way into other places. If I needed to be somewhere else, I'll start walking forward with the place in mind, and the scenery smoothly transitions into the destination.

 

As for the main and largest area, it's a huge, expansive ocean occasionally broken by towering mountains that are shaped like spires and mostly uninhabitable, though there's a few rocky beaches with some cave entrances. Above at varying elevations are large numbers of floating islands which can range from about the size of a pond to being able to contain an entire forest.

 

On the seafloor exists a trench, and at the bottom of that, a palace; it's extravagant in nature, gilded with gold. The interior is the same, with gold and silver decorations, and floor tiles made of turquoise and lapis lazuli. A few levels under the palace exists an underwater ravine, and at the edge sits a judge's bench. In the sky, there's a large island that's a hollowed-out inactive volcano, once a small town but sits empty. The entire world is inhabited in the story it's from, but in the wonderland, its residents aren't present unless I summon them as NPCs as needed.

 

Usually Yuuki and I sit on that first island, looking out below at the ocean or above at the night sky.