Mel Overload

[Missy]

My name is Melissa, or just Missy. With me as she has been for the majority of my life is Melody. Most of our posting (actually, all of it) on these forums so far has been by Melody, but I'll be the one writing this report, for the most part. That being said, if either one of us is here, it's very likely the other is as well.

 

A creation process isn't something we'll be talking about here, at least not for a while. Eventually we do plan to create at least one additional tulpa, but after discussing the prospect, we've decided not to do so until Melody feels she is fully ready to help and instruct.

 

For now, we're just going to try and focus on areas in which we're lacking. Imposition is a big priority at the moment. Likewise our parallel processing is awkward and unwieldy and could use improvement. More effort put into active forcing in addition to our usual near-constant passive forcing is also planned.

 

General Information:

 

Melody is a female and human tulpa. She's technically 15-and-a-bit years old, but identifies as being 24. She's around 6'1" or 6'2", but we're not sure of her exact height. I've tried visualizing a tape measure once, but it turns out I have an awful sense of measurement, and so my only accurate comparison has been that she seems to be about two or three inches taller than me. Melody looks Caucasian, is blue-eyed and blue-haired, and usually keeps her hair medium-short. Her natural hair colour is blonde, but she mostly keeps it all blue, or at the very least partially-blue.

 

In terms of personality, Melody tends to be somewhat headstrong and blunt, is usually cheerful, and gets emotional easily. She's someone who is quick to push me out of my comfort zone, and admonish me if I try to avoid being social. I'd say that thanks to her I actually am a lot better with other people than I was when I was younger. I'm still far from perfect, but her emotional support and sometimes-forceful 'encouragement' has done a lot for me, and I'm lucky to have her with me.

 

I believe there's still plenty of growing left to do for both of us, and I look forward to it wholeheartedly.

 

-Missy

[Missy]

March 3, 2015.

 

After spending hours on this survey here it was a bit too 6AM-ish to do anything but sleep. As-such this is our report for yesterday.

 

First of all, that survey: While long, it asked some interesting questions, some of which neither of us had ever stopped to consider before. I would say that we both learned some interesting new things about Melody from this, particularly her moral views on certain topics that we've never otherwise discussed.

 

I must say, some of her answers surprised me. Not all, or even most, but some.

 

Active Forcing:

 

...Is a lot more tiring than I remember it being. I guess I've gotten too used to passive forcing, and it seems this is something I'm going to have to work my way back into at a gradual pace. On this occasion we met in our wonderland and spent about 10 minutes discussing our current goals in regards to Melody's progress. Imposition is Melody's greatest interest at the moment, but we know it's not going to be easy. The temptation to fall reflexively back into mindspace to meet her where we can communicate easily instead of giving her a chance to try and and impose into... well, I guess 'meatspace' would be accurate... is high, and I'm going to have to figure out how to break that reflex.

 

For now Melody has taken to quietly poking me when something else grabs my attention. I'm noticing little itches and tingles that seem to stop whenever I pay attention to her, so I believe we're making at least some headway with tactile imposition. So far though, progress has been slow, and it's the only sort of imposition we've had even the smallest little bit of luck with.

 

Multitasking:

 

In more ways than one, I believe that parallel processing should be our top priority right now. We've had more success with it than with imposition (even if that success has been awkward and unwieldy so far), and I am quite sure that improved parallel processing would make it easier to practice things like imposition. It is probably going to be the easier of those two skills to learn, though I mean 'easier' comparatively in regards to imposition, not in a sense that it will actually be easy.

 

If only.

 

For now, the day was mostly discussion, and light practice. I couldn't maintain our active forcing long enough to do much more, sadly. After that short forcing session we decided to try something that would hopefully be fun as well as helpful, and played Guitar Hero. Specifically: I played, and Melody sang. For the most part this was to help our parallel processing, by doing things that were different, but not too different as to be overly difficult when we're not very good at this yet. Additionally, since the game also anchors my attention to the physical world, it makes it harder for me to respond to potential imposition by inadvertently slipping back into mindspace. We hoped that maybe, if we were lucky, this might facilitate some auditory imposition.

 

...Well, no, it didn't. We've still had no success with auditory imposition. It was still fun though.

 

Parallel processing is still difficult, but I've noticed from our hour or-so of playing that certain things do make it easier. Songs with difficult rhythm that demanded more from me seemed more likely to shift Melody's attention to what I was doing, and songs with difficult lyrics that we weren't entirely sure if seemed more likely to shift my attention to what Melody was doing. Put another way, we focused best on our separate tasks when both tasks were things we were good at, and there was no urge to stop what either of us was doing to help the other.

 

Perhaps the most surprising moment was while playing When You Were Young, by The Killers. That's one of the songs Melody and I both knew well, and so we were getting very immersed in it. Towards the end though, I lost focus on the fact that I was supposed to just be playing, and leaving the singing to Melody, and I started joining in on the singing. Normally that's the point where we'd have lost it, and would need to stop and re-focus on our separate tasks, or else we'd just end up working on one thing and losing track of the other.

 

Instead, without missing a beat, Melody compensated for my mistake and shifted to backup vocals (fortunately we were right at the one point in the song that has very distinct backup vocals), and by doing so kept our focus apart long enough that we didn't get stuck on the same task. Instead I was able to realize to stop singing myself and let her handle it, and we were able to continue on and finish the song successfully.

 

Not a perfect attempt by any means, but it was something.

 

-Missy

[Missy]

March 4, 2015.

 

An uneventful(-ish) report today (which is technically 'yesterday' at this point, but we haven't gone to bed yet) as we opted to work on our problem from last time, and simply spend some time getting back into the groove of active forcing. That meant grabbing a good pillow to sit on, turning on some

(which I picked at random without knowing what it would be like, and found that it really matched the feel of our wonderland, though perhaps was a bit too fast-paced at moments to properly suit a meditative mindset), and doing some simple meditation and meeting Melody on her terms rather than trying to impose her into the physical world.

 

We did nothing fancy during this time. I found that I still focus rather easily and am not easily distracted, and was only shaken from my concentration once, when a lady outside angrily screamed something at somebody. Save for that, today was just walking in the wonderland and exploring the nature we've created.

 

With that in mind, I guess I should go into some detail on our wonderland itself. I started (as I always do) in what I would consider the central point of it all: the clifftop. Our wonderland used to consist of just a few meters of cliff and some trees close to the edge, with the rest dropping off into a nothingness and white fog. Now there is usually no more fog, the clifftop has become a mountain, and the small number of trees on the cliff's edge have become a proper forest on and around the mountain, stretching off as far as we've ever explored. It seems a little bit more natural every time, but it is at its core the same wonderland we've been working with since before we knew what a wonderland is, or that we were spending time together in one. It's got a sensation to it: a soothing sensation that evokes years of familiarity. Going here is second-nature.

 

Melody wasn't on the cliffs when I arrived, so I wandered backwards a bit. Directly back through the trees a short distance from where I always first bring myself to arrive is the entrance to the home Melody built: a sort-of steel crater, the center of which rises up and opens on-approach. Entering the rising, opening bit causes it to close behind you, swallowing you up. A year or two ago when this thing first appeared in the wonderland, it baffled me. Now I recognize it for what it is: an elevator. It descends into the rock of the mountain, accessing the underground complex Melody built beneath the cliffs. It enters into a hallway with a few rooms branching off, and the main room of her home at the far end. The main room is roughly circular, with a sort-of shallow pit shape. Couches form a semicircle around the point at the lowest spot, and a single large window dominates one wall, looking out through the cliffside.

 

The whole place is very white, including the walls, ceiling, and much of the furniture, with red carpeting lending colour to it. Often I find Melody relaxing or resting here. She seems to sleep here more often than in the bedroom she made for herself. Today was no exception, and since we'd already prepared for this session, she jumped up to head out immediately. We took the elevator back outside, and from there we walked.

 

There's nothing much to report about the walk. We descended the mountain, zigzagged across a shallow creek once or twice, and stopped on occasion to sit and rest. I'd set a timer to hopefully keep the session going for 20 minutes, but after 15 I was worn out, and needed to excuse myself and end it. Shortly after doing so, a school bus dropped a mob of screeching children off at the stop near my window, so my concentration likely would have been broken anyways.

 

15 minutes isn't as good as I'd hoped, but it's still a step up from the 10 minutes last time. I suppose I've always been the sort of person to make gradual progress rather than big leaps with things. We intended to do a second forcing session in the evening following essentially the same plan of simply walking and lightly forcing, but a slow work shift in the afternoon did nothing to restore my energy, and by the end of the shift I felt more like sleeping than doing much else. Melody insisted that one session for today was enough, since I was still getting back into doing such things. I heeded her advice, napped for a bit, awoke and decided to write this report before properly going to bed.

 

Will try for another 15 minutes tomorrow, avoiding getting too ambitious. With any luck tomorrow afternoon's work won't be a dead shift that lulls me towards sleep, and we'll be able to do a second session in the evening.

 

For now, we retire to bed.

 

-Missy

[Missy]

March 5, 2015 (Extra update)

 

Today has been surprising, with two focusing sessions planned, one for the morning and one for the evening. The evening one has yet to come, but I felt the events of this morning were significant enough to warrant their own update.

 

Melody and I have been intending to make a second tulpa. We'd already decided not to go forwards with that process until Melody and I both felt fully prepared to do so, but perhaps we'd gotten a bit too excited by the prospect. Thought on it in a bit more detail than we'd intended. To put it simply, we sat down to do some active forcing, and she was there. Not a faint thought, or future plan, but very distinctly present, and matching in appearance what vague details Melody and I had already agreed on.

 

Thus, as of now, we would like to officially welcome Caramel to our system. I didn't expect to be doing so quite so soon, but I will do my best nonetheless. A proper update will follow later this evening.

 

-Missy

[Cinemaphobe]

Eventually I plan on creating a second tulpa too :)

Good luck on it! and I wish I could see your wonderland :0

[Missy]

I'm going to try and draw the wonderland at some point. Or at least the parts I know well (it's kinda really big, after all). I do live here, so I'd say I know it a bit better than even Missy does!

 

-Melody

 

 

 

 

 

March 5, 2015.

 

Today continues to be interesting. Work was that perfect mix of not-too-fast and not-too-slow, and neither tired me out, nor lulled me to sleep, and I came home with the energy to do some more active forcing, with the plan now shifting from miscellaneous work with Melody to some early creation with Caramel. I quickly reviewed some creation guides, and then went ahead and found some nice music to work to before sitting down and heading into the wonderland.

 

Melody and Caramel were on the cliffs close to where I arrived. There was a small stone table a short distance away that wasn't there last time, with three chairs around it. A fresh addition, courtesy of Melody. We sat.

 

For most of the rest of this session, both tulpas were silent, though Melody is more than capable of speech, and in this case was just keeping herself from intruding into the early work.

 

We started with Caramel's form, since she already appeared with one semi-established. I noticed she looked somewhat two-dimensional in certain aspects at this early stage, so we made that an early priority. I worked by putting my hands on hers, then guiding her hands slowly over her body parts in a somewhat traditional self-awareness method; toes-to-head, establishing each little bit of her body as three-dimensional and solid, and giving us both a feel for what that entailed. We went over her entire body twice, and by the end her form was looking quite a bit clearer and (for lack of a better term) more 'real'.

 

Caramel is short (I think somewhere around 4'7" or 4'8"), particularly in comparison to Melody and I, who are both quite tall. She is clearly young, though I'm not good at guessing ages, and I know from Melody that tulpa ages work oddly. I'm estimating at the moment that she looks to be around 10 years old, but I really won't be able to say for sure until she becomes vocal and identifies her own age. Her hair is very long (nearly at her ankles) and straight, and varied several times between brown, burgundy, and pink (sometimes with two of those colours at once) during the session, and seemed to be the most notable part of her form that is still very fluid. Her eyes varied between silver, sky blue, and minty green, but were not as fluid as her hair. She wore a green dress with white trim and straps, and was initially barefoot, though at some point during the session I felt the urge to give her flip-flops, and by the end of it she had a pair that matched her dress.

 

In spite of her hair, the most notable part of Caramel was initially something I almost overlooked, but stumbled across by accident during the process of slowly establishing the feel of her body: she has wings. This is a big difference from Melody, who is entirely human in appearance, and wasn't something either of us had decided on when we had initially discussed the basic details of Caramel's form. As far as I can tell they are near-invisible, but looked relatively dragonfly-esque when I focused hard on them, and they are her only non-human feature. I'm not entirely sure how they got there. It's possible Caramel changed her form herself to include them, which would be another first for our system, since Melody doesn't shapeshift at all.

 

We then did some simple movement puppeting, to ensure Caramel was aware of each of her joints and how to move them; toes, ankles, knees, legs, hips, fingers, wrists, elbows, arms, shoulders, neck, eyes, and mouth. We ended on her wings, which I admit was a bit of curiosity on my part. I wanted to see if she could fly. She could.

 

Her wings kicked up a light breeze.

 

That's important, I must stress, because there's no notable source of air currents in my house, or at least none that might be felt. On a winter evening with the windows closed and no fans on, there are never any air currents in this house that are strong enough to feel.

 

But for a moment, which happened to be right as Caramel fluttered her wings and flew, I felt a breeze blow past my physical body. I can only assume that I have to count this as tactile imposition. While not much, it was clearly a light breeze, which is actually more distinct than efforts at tactile imposition with Melody have gone so far. Melody and I are both still a little baffled.

 

We did a little bit of vocal practice, but it was all parroting so far. Just two quick runs through the alphabet to get a very basic idea of what her voice sounds like. Her age difference makes her voice very different from mine and Melody's.

 

Finally we did some very simple personality, starting with just a few broad traits. We began with establishing that Caramel is 'Kind', 'Caring', and 'Enthusiastic', and then I talked about what each of those meant in my own words. I tried to be detailed enough to describe what Caramel is like as a person, not just as a caricature. Somehow by the end of it I had also described how Caramel is 'Intelligent' and 'Courageous', in addition to the planned traits. I didn't actually realize I'd done this until I felt a sort of energetic buzzing behind my eyes halfway through describing intelligence, and Melody told me afterwards that I'd gone through courageous (apparently entirely without realizing it) prior to that moment. Caramel was still silent and mostly-still, but I noticed her expression had brightened by the end of it and that she actually looked at me instead of staring blankly past me. To put it another way: she looked significantly less passive, less automated, and more alive.

 

By that point, I was starting to feel worn out. My alarm had not yet gone off to signal 20 minutes of forcing (my goal for the day), but Melody has very clearly emphasized that she does not want me falling asleep during the tulpa creation process. As-such we wrapped it up for the day, I said good night to Caramel, and I brought myself out of the wonderland.

 

My alarm had not gone off yet, but the music had finished playing. Odd. I checked my phone.

 

It was at that point that I realized that I'd set my alarm for 20 minutes, but had not actually remembered to turn the alarm on. I'd been forcing for AN HOUR AND A HALF! Six times as long as yesterday! So not only was today an exciting day in regards to meeting and working with Caramel, it seems I did very well myself too! I'm feeling great!

 

My feet however are numb, and feel nothing. I've been sitting on them for a while now.

 

-Missy

[Missy]

March 6, 2015.

 

The name of the game today is "Can Missy maintain the focus to force while at work?"

 

Surprisingly, in spite of the shouty bosses, clattering of cookware, chairs scraping noisily across the floor, and stompy footsteps, the answer is yes. I can't do particularly long sessions when people keep calling for me every five minutes, though.

 

Today was a double-shift day at work. On such days I wake up, get dressed and ready, and leave almost immediately, which leaves no real time for a morning forcing session. I'm not a morning person, and I can honestly say that it's Melody who gets us out of bed and presentable before noon each day while I piggyback my own body in a sleepy daze, and leave the finer motor functions to her. Today was no exception, and with no opportunity for forcing at home, it was on lunch break that we finally took some time for it.

 

Lunch-force-time's background music was, by necessity,

, and thus the only one remotely suitable for forcing. It's still a little fast and excitable for this purpose, but with the volume on low and the song set to repeat, it sufficed. I went down to the wonderland, located Melody and Caramel by the elevator, and was then left outside alone with Caramel, as Melody said she was going to take the opportunity to work on something else, and went back inside the complex.

 

The session was short. Just a little over 15 minutes, which we dedicated to reinforcing the initial personality traits from yesterday. I decided it was probably best to keep the unplanned 'courageous' and 'intelligent' traits, since they're fine traits to have, and because I'm still not quite sure if I worked them in there accidentally, or if they're there because Caramel would like to be that way. If they are what she wants, then it would only be right to help her with them. For the most part we just repeated my descriptions from the day prior, but I believe we did improvise in a little bit more detail than last time. Progress in baby steps.

 

During the rest of work, I didn't have much time to spare for them. I'm glad for Melody's help, as her very-established individuality, and capacity for continuing to exist and act without my immediate attention helped to ensure that Caramel wasn't left stagnant for those hours that I couldn't spare for her.

 

Upon getting home I read aloud to Caramel a bit. Nothing particularly exciting; just a little article someone had wrote about the Pathfinder roleplaying game, and how fun is paramount to it, especially for one running the game. It's a little bit silly, but that game is something that's very important to me, and since Melody plays it as well, I'd like Caramel to know it first and foremost as something that is fun, as it should be. Aside from that, I figured reading aloud to her might help her vocabulary.

 

This evening's session began once we were settled in, comfortable, and my post-work fatigue had worn off. The music this time was

, though the water noises proved a little more distracting than I'd expected. Once again I met Caramel in the wonderland, this time on the clifftop. Melody wasn't around, so I checked in with her by mindvoice. She'd gone to continue working on her project. She wouldn't tell me what it was, but I had a pretty good idea of what she was doing (it's generally difficult for either one of us to keep our intentions hidden from the other; side effect of her being a part of my mind, I suppose).

 

We started this time by going over Caramel's physical form again, but this time I tried a more hands-off approach; mimicking guided meditation by listing off body parts, toes to head, then flowing back down along the arms, one by one, and urging awareness of the sensation of each in turn. I focused on each part of her while doing so, as imagine she'll be a bit more stable if she has a clear awareness of her form in addition to me having an awareness of it.

 

After physical body parts we went through the same five traits once more. They're coming easier with repetition, and feel more suited to her now, and I was able to go into even more detail about some nuances of each trait compared to the last two times. The traits themselves feel more complete.

 

Finally we tried to do some work on movement, but began by establishing that we would not be relying on any puppeting this time. Caramel has already shown small movements on her own without puppeting, so I knew she was capable of it, and that having her take command of her own body and do so on her own was a natural step to take. I guided her verbally (things like "okay, try raising your arms above your head"), and devoted all my attention to making sure I wasn't puppeting.

 

I caught myself doing it once, after she delayed when I asked her to try jumping, but for the most part Caramel was capable of extensive movement on her own. She was even able to repeat the action that I accidentally puppeted: the jump, with a more impressive version that what I'd initially puppeted.

 

By the end she was clearly getting into moving and jumping about. I think that 'enthusiastic' trait is really starting to manifest. She seemed particularly excited to fly, and when she did so, I felt the same light breeze as last time. I wonder if it's something about her wings.

 

My current theory is that those unexpected wings are a part of Caramel's form by her own doing, and thus that they might be a bit more 'real' than the rest of her so far. Her form as a whole is making good progress though, so we'll see how she does with more deliberate imposition soon enough, I think.

 

At that point we were at just under 30 minutes of forcing. I didn't feel overly tired yet at that point, but with Melody not supervising, I figured it was safer to end a bit early. For the last bit of practice, I asked Caramel to surprise me; to pick a movement on her own, without my input, and then to do it. In response she tackle-hugged me, and nearly knocked me over. I felt a really big rush of happy feeling (and I'm sure at least some of it was from me, but still).

 

This was a good day.

 

As for Melody's project: As I'd expected, there's another room in her home now. Branching off of the hallway between the elevator and the main room used to be three rooms: a kitchen, a bathroom, and Melody's bedroom. Now there are four. Caramel's got a room too.

 

-Missy

[Missy]

March 7, 2015.

 

Caramel has been getting a lot of focus the past couple of days, as is necessary, so I gave the morning session to Melody this time. She chose to spend it possessing and drawing rather than asking to work on forcing, parallel processing, or imposition. It was sort of like getting the morning off, which was nice. I think we might schedule at least one day off each week from now on, to keep ourselves rested without spending too much time getting out of practice.

 

We didn't take the evening off today, though it wasn't much of a forcing session. Melody went off to some far part of the wonderland for much of the day, so I was a bit fatigued (after years with her, I'm not really used to fronting alone any more; it's tiring). I set

to play quietly, since it has some voice-like sounds in the background that gets distracting on anything above minimum volume, and went down to the wonderland to meet Caramel.

 

I found her in the room Melody had made for her. She's moving about a lot more since the practice yesterday, and seems quite energetic.

 

Since we didn't work on vocals at all yesterday, we started with that, firstly with an attempt to speak, by Caramel. She's proven that she's not mute, and can speak without parroting, but she isn't quite all the way to being vocal yet. This is unfamiliar for me, as Melody didn't learn how to speak until after she was fluent in language, but I assume this is part of tulpish. It's... odd. She 'speaks' in what sound like words, and the pronunciation and syntax sound English, but the words themselves are gibberish. They also sound distorted, as though they're coming from all around instead of her mouth, and as though they're close, almost right in my ears. It feels very alien.

 

Her speech is frustratingly close to being words, but not quite there yet.

 

Since she's doing some talking, but is not quite fluent yet, we did a refresher of the alphabet. We started with one run through parroting, as she seemed unsure of it initially, and then again without it. She can copy the sounds of the letters (or most of them anyways) without parroting, but she struggled through the first half or so of the practice. It's also VERY hard to resist parroting and 'helping' her when she's so clearly struggling with this. We had to go back and repeat several letters that I'd parroted.

 

After the speech practice we left the complex, went outside, and walked for a bit, since she seems to be getting the hang of moving on her own. While inside and among the trees she stayed on the ground, but in open areas she seems to prefer short bursts of flight. At any rate, we didn't keep at it for very long, and ended the session after a little less than 15 minutes.

 

I noticed her room is a bit spartan, and she's been wearing the same outfit three days in a row now, unlike Melody, who changes daily. I suppose we'll have to set aside some time to create some furnishings and changes of clothes for her, though I'm not sure I'm suited to designing. Since getting that idea, I've only been able to think of one change of clothes for Caramel, and that's a white dress with green trim; a colour-swap of her current green dress with white trim.

 

Ah well. She's got the one change of clothing set for tomorrow, and we can worry more about that then. For now, sleep. We should have more success tomorrow, with Melody helping out.

 

-Missy

[Missy]

March 8, 2015.

 

Slow Sunday, and not much energy for active forcing, but we had some good narration going today. I chatted with Melody and Caramel near-constantly, and Caramel spoke back.

 

She said "Hi". That was it, but we're pretty giddy about it.

 

Other than that we've just been relaxing. Got an urge to watch Pacific Rim and some RWBY. There's not really much to report, but Caramel's first word seemed significant enough to make a post out of it.

 

-Missy

[Cinemaphobe]

March 8, 2015.

 

Slow Sunday, and not much energy for active forcing, but we had some good narration going today. I chatted with Melody and Caramel near-constantly, and Caramel spoke back.

 

She said "Hi". That was it, but we're pretty giddy about it.

 

Other than that we've just been relaxing. Got an urge to watch Pacific Rim and some RWBY. There's not really much to report, but Caramel's first word seemed significant enough to make a post out of it.

 

-Missy

 

 

When my tulpa said her first words I... (excuse my vulgar use of English. I have no other way of expressing this)

 

I flipped shit.

 

I hope that your tulpa says more to you :) though. My tulpa started out with texting, and then talking.