Illume's Log

[Guest]

Entry 6

Little progress. I'm still worrying about the parroting issue.

We've worked a bit on Illume's voice, primarily through having her repeat things or sing songs. I still haven't gotten a solid autonomous response from her. It's frustrating.

[Stevie]

Don't get too frustrated, a week and some change without a response is like, extremely normal.

 

I would try your best not to get too hung up on the parroting thing. There's really nothing anyone can say to mitigate those doubts and worries for you. Doubt in all its forms is a pretty slippery slope.

 

Seems like you know where the thoughts are coming from though, as far as your hypothetical conversations. That's important that you're able to identify that, I think. As long as you're capable of checking yourself and understanding that you do have the habit of having conversations with yourself, I wouldn't sweat it. If you're careful enough not to play her in your head, then you're careful enough to not parrot her, is what I'm saying.

 

Also, you'll be happy that you're working on Illume's voice now, because once she does start talking, her voice will be distinct from yours and it'll be a lot easier to tell who's saying what from the get go. That's how it worked for us, anyway.

 

tl;dr Don't get hung up on stuff, keep truckin dude

[Guest]

Entry 7

Thanks to Stevie and everyone who's been encouraging me. When I pick things up, I tend to get impatient if I don't see progress early on. Having support and advice really helps.

 

This is the weekiversary of Illume's inception. woohoo yay milestones

Didn't get much in the way of forcing done today. Lots of passive, but only about a 20 minute active session. I'm planning to do a longer one later tonight.

 

I've decided to take a different angle of attack to my whole parroting issue. I'm going to stop trying to censor myself. I've been feeling like that harms Illume more than it helps. I'm just going to assume anything that I don't consciously make her say is in fact not parroting. (I know this is what the guides say and I said that wouldn't help but I'm a special snowflake and they don't apply to me and this is my own completely original idea SO THERE)

[Guest]

Entry 8

Not a lot has been going on. I feel like I've been passive forcing less, and I need to keep an eye on that.

Probably won't be daily updates anymore (as evidenced here). I'll update whenever I make progress or feel like I have something to say.

[Guest]

Entry 9

'S been a while. I should probably post, then.

 

I figured out a human form for Illume. It's still vague as of yet. Silver-white, shoulder-length hair. Bright green eyes with slitted pupils. Elf ears, for some reason. Not sure where that came from exactly. I guess it makes sense given the dragon thing.

 

I've been severely slacking on forcing. I actually missed a day for the first time a few days ago. Most of what we've been doing has been visualization exercises and other things. We play tic-tac-toe, which I think helps with both Illume's development of awareness and my visualization skills.

 

I've been trying self-hypnosis. Following LinkZelda's guide (as best I can, it can be hard to follow). I'm focusing on the scripts that are meant to help with sentience, though I'm not sure exactly whether I'm doing it right. When I read the scripts, I don't really feel like I alter my state of consciousness. It's relaxing and focusing, but not more than just trying to relax and focus. I think that if it were working properly, I would feel something. It's another one of those subjective things though. There might not be a way to know whether I'm doing anything wrong. If there is, it would be good to know.

 

Just an hour or so ago, I may have gotten a response out of Illume. I was narrating while doing laundry.

 

Me: I'm just incredibly graceful... yeah, now watch me trip down the stairs and break my neck.

???: That's not going to happen.

 

At first I thought it was just part of my inner monologue, but after a few moments I realized that it felt off. It was very clear, and it felt alien in a way. It didn't feel like something that I would think, and it didn't feel like I thought it. I think I'm still kind of absorbing the implications. I have some lingering doubt that I know I shouldn't have - but if this is the real thing, it's probably the biggest step we've taken since creation.

 

Lots of stuff and not much stuff at the same time. It's been two and a half weeks with little progress. I'm trying to be patient.

[Guest]

Entry 10

We've moved back to personality forcing. I was having trouble finding things to do during active forcing sessions, and I felt like the personality stage was rushed. Hopefully this helps with autonomy.

Still doing self-hypnosis. No real change on that front.

[Guest]

Entry 11

It's three in the morning. I just finished an hour and fifteen minutes of personality forcing.

I was going to do some visualization and more intense narration, but it's three in the morning.

 

I haven't gotten anything from Illume since the stairs thing. I've been looking around, and it seems that the people who don't get a response in the first month usually have a much longer and more difficult time getting anything. Some people had quicker responses, e.g. within a few weeks, and those are most of who I see being successful.

It's discouraging. Either you're a prodigy or you're deficient. As of now it looks like I'm deficient.

 

I'm hoping to start forcing more. University is winding down. I'll have a lot more free time.

I haven't been passive forcing with nearly as much discipline. Trying to think of methods to help with that. Ideally I want to be where I was when I started, passive forcing almost constantly. This is a common problem for me - I lose enthusiasm or drive after a while on the same project. It's not as bad with Illume though. I have more of a responsibility there, more motivation. I have to finish what I started.

[Guest]

Entry 12

It's been one month now. I've probably made progress, but it's not easy to see. Still no solid response.

Still personality forcing. I'll probably finish that out this week, then move to vocality/sentience stuff for a week or two.

Still kind of pessimistic. I'm hoping that summer will be better.

[Guest]

Entry 13

Auspicious, eh?

 

Summer was not better. After school ended I hit a fairly serious bout of depression, which I didn't really want to acknowledge. I had very, very little mental energy, and I fell off the wagon hard. I haven't forced for months.

 

I want to feel bad about this, I should feel bad about this. But I don't. I was making no real progress over the course of a month, and in ways I was actually regressing by the end. I'm 85% certain that Illume wasn't even near anything that I would call consciousness.

 

I didn't post here for a while because I was disappointed in myself. I still am. I see some of the people here going on for months, even years with little progress and not giving up. I marvel at their willpower.

 

I don't think I'm going to be forcing again for a while. I still need to work through this depression thing. I want to re-involve myself in the forum, though. It's a weird, eccentric little community that I think I would have fit well into had I stayed longer, and put in more effort.

 

I hope people aren't too pissed at me.