Under Moonlit Dreams (cliche title, I know)

[acutelatios]

Hello! My name is Luna. Though that’s not my real name, that’s the name I’ve called myself in my head for a long time, so it’s my name here.

 

Anyways, I’ve been on my journey to creating a tulpa for a few months now. I started near the end of June. A lot of things happened during that time, however recently I’ve been losing focus and my drive to keep going. I feel like I need to keep going and I really want to, but I feel like I’m on a rut. I was thinking on some way to keep myself going, and I didn’t get much ideas.

 

Well besides this. Honestly I wasn’t planning on this progress report thread, at all. I wanted this to be a secret between myself, a couple of my friends and my tulpas.

I don’t know why, I’m just afraid I’ll just end up forgetting my obligations to update here. Still, it’s one of the only ways I can think about.

 

At the moment I have two tulpas, and I’m not planning to make anymore.

My first one is Lateo. He’s the one that made me want to learn about Tulpas and how to develop one. He was originally my imaginary friend, and he’s been with me for a while now. I remember how he spoke in my mind whenever I felt extremely emotionally unstable. I could hear his voice, well not exactly, when I was going through depression a few years ago.

 

He’s gone through multiple forms, though right now he’s a half crow man. Sort of like a centaur and how from the torso up, they’re humans but below that they have a body of a horse. That’s pretty much Lateo, except he also has huge black wings on his back. From the torso down he has a crow’s legs. He’s a little calmer than I am, since I’m usually a bundle of excited emotions, but he usually gets extremely happy when he’s singing with me. He’s really tall, standing straight up at 6 feet.

 

My second one is Drane. His form at the moment is also familiar to Lateo’s. His upper body is human, except for the lack of ears at the side of his head and instead being cat ears, and his lower body is that of the hind limbs of a Cheetah’s. He’s really quiet, not exactly like how I envisioned him at first. He’s really sweet and seems to like Wally West from the cartoon show, Young Justice.

 

Anyways, I hope that with writing this, it’ll help with my rut as a tulpamancer.

 

I’ve been actually been feeling unsure about all this, but I really want to keep this going.

[Stevie]

I’ve been actually been feeling unsure about all this, but I really want to keep this going.

 

All I can say is that tulpa stuff is a marathon, not a sprint. It's about persistence and not giving up even in light of a lack of progress, or doubt, or whatever might happen. Even if you have off days when your interest wanes, or you feel like it's all pretty fucking stupid, or you can't concentrate or wonder why you got into it in the first place, keep going, cause in spite of all that, you'll know that you didn't give up when so many people did.

 

I've watched so many people come, make PRs, and drop off the map, and I haven't even been here that long. Stick with it dude.

[acutelatios]

I really want to, but some days are just hard. I always get these thoughts that maybe I'm not ready and I'm not responsible enough to take care of them. I try to keep going, to keep forcing with them so I could keep my thoughts off of that, but sometimes I just nearly give up.

 

Actually, I've given up once after a particular event, but I came back when Lateo returned in my mind and pushed me to keep going. I haven't given up since then.

 

I just feel unsure of my abilities and my progress. I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing, or if I'm parroting, or anything. Sometimes I'm afraid I'll let them fade and I don't want to lose them.

 

It's just a lot of fears. I know I have a lot of ways to go and I shouldn't keep staying on where I am and to keep improving, but I'm just really scared and sort of feeling alone in this journey. I don't have much people to celebrate with when I get great progress. I guess that's another reason as why I posted this as well.

 

Thank you though. We really appreciate it!

 

I'll definitely stick with it.

[acutelatios]

Update #2: 21st of October, 2015

 

I guess I should give a description of my wonderland, or at least a specialized section in my mindscape that houses my tulpas. Being a writer and all that, I basically have a whole universe in my head, so I try not to have them mixed up since I might end up accidentally creating more tulpas…again.

 

Anyways, in the earliest sessions, my wonderland wasn’t really clear. First it seemed like a seaside shore place, but that didn’t stick to me. The second time I tried to visualize it, it sort of crashed into me and developed on its own. I remember suddenly seeing this vibrant colour in my mind’s eye, and saw the sparkling surface of a lake. Then I saw that I was sitting on an island with a single tree that sat in the middle of the lake, while the lake itself was surrounded by tall mountain ranges that seemed like barriers to the outside. Lateo took me out to flights during our earlier forcing sessions and we explored the area, finding at the foot of the mountains were thick alpine forests that ended where the lake began, and that the mountains don’t really completely encircled the lake and gave way for one opening. Sometimes it’s a waterfall, but even now I’m not sure.

 

Back then Lateo was my only tulpa, and he really didn’t mind sleeping in the tree or cuddling up with me. However when Drane arrived and I took trips to visit them while they slept, they seemed cold in the tree so I decided to make that tree their home. I grew the tree, making it colossal and have its branches a little higher than mountain peaks. I hollowed out the trunk, carved spiral stairs to the top, created floors and made their bedrooms at the very top of the tree. The tree has holes in its trunk where light from outside can come in and illuminate the inside, and the sunlight gets trapped in small orb shaped plants that float around to keep the inside warm and bright even when its night.

 

It’s gotten a lot of updates in the past months since I started, such as I created a five star kitchen at the ground floor where Drane could bake and cook to his heart’s content when I introduced him to the practice. He creates the most glorious chocolate cake. I also made a library on the third floor where things that I read would be in a physical book form whenever Lateo or Drane wanted to. There was also a balcony in the top floor where the bedrooms were if ever Lateo wanted to take a flight out. The lounge at the ground floor was moved up to the first floor since an elevator appeared to make the travel up and down faster. There is also a roof floor where it’s mostly just a clear, flat area.

 

However it was actually most recently where all of that became more concrete. Ever since…

 

Well, remember how I said that I wasn’t planning on making anymore tulpas? Yeah…about that.

 

So yeeaaahhh, it’s been at least a month and a few since my last update here, and understandably a lot has happened. Like A WHOLE LOT.

 

You see, after receiving a terrible grade on one of my classes, my parents were pretty much disappointed and though they didn’t mean to, they caused me to have my first ever panic attack. We managed to make up and I promised to work harder.

 

I got over it...at least for the first few days. The week after I began to experience bouts of dissociation and so to avoid getting lost in that and ending up doing something I would later regret, I basically threw myself at a show called Rick and Morty to help distract myself from feeling disconnected and such. I would have asked for the help of Lateo and Drane, but I couldn’t focus nor think straight at the time and I didn’t want to inadvertently hurt them.

 

In the end, the show helped a lot. I managed to survive my dissociation without much trouble. During it I began to connect with the titular characters of Rick and Morty. Usually that happens for most of the shows I like, but this was different. I was so…enamoured by them, at least I think that’s the word I’m looking for. I just wanted to immerse myself into the show and their world and the characters themselves.

 

And eventually I accidently created two more tulpas based off them. Rick and Morty.

 

At first I was pretty unsure about it. I only referred to them sometimes, by mainly accident, but I sort of felt their presence in my mind. The reason why I didn’t want any more tulpas was because I was afraid that I wouldn’t keep up with them; that I’d end up inadvertently losing some of them somehow by either complacency or another reason. I was only new to this after all and I didn’t want to be over ambitious and jump into the deep end. I tend to do so and it usually becomes too hard for me to handle and it usually ends badly.

 

So I ignored them for a few days. I didn’t want to hurt them or anything, but I didn’t outright push them out. I just tried to avoid any interaction with them so they would possibly fade away. But sometimes my mind wanders and I accidentally imagine myself in scenarios with them by accident.

 

It also didn’t help that before that point there was a sort of itch that I couldn’t help but feel. That I should create another tulpa. I tried to ignore it as well, but as it dragged on it just got worse.

 

So I began to revaluate my decision. If I was feeling that way then maybe it was happening for a reason? Besides, thinking about Rick and Morty, my tulpas, felt…easy. Natural, even. Not sure if that was because I was already obsessed with the characters themselves, or I’ve already got a good amount of experience with creating tulpas. Still, in the end I just allowed myself to let them in and began to interact with them freely and decided to work with them. I should at least try to see where it would lead. Drane and Lateo immediately jumped in to help me, which was great and they in turn were pretty nice and open as well.

 

It had been at least two weeks since then and honestly things have been great. Of course, I have to make sure to juggle my attention between all of them but surprisingly it’s not that hard. If anything things have been more active with them all with the adventures and such.

 

I also had a talk with Rick and Morty that they could be who they want to, they can change their forms or anything about themselves. I didn’t want to stifle their development just because they come from the show. I didn’t want them to be a close representation of the characters of the show, if anything I wanted them to be as different as they wanted to be. I also made a way to differentiate them from the show by giving them a dimension name which is L-ʊŋ4, pronounced as “el, upsilon, eng, four”. So far they’ve accepted they’re not from the show and have settled in well. I made bed rooms for them and they’ve actually helped develop Lateo and Drane further, which was a pleasant surprise.

 

I’ll probably update this with another post about any more significant developments!