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heroic i wish you well

Thank you both so much! 💙 This is specifically Cal's DnD outfit, they normally wear more modern/casual clothes. Also, here's this portrait of Athelas! This was supposed to be for his birthday (yesterday) but my slow ass couldn't finish it until today, oops. ((No big deal :) It's the thought that counts.)) Excuse me if I Have some place in my mind Where I go time to time

Heck yeah! You've got this, Andre! 😁 Show those mages you're the boss! 💪

Hello everyone, I'm Andy. I'm glad to see everything's fine here. Rick did the same thing. He stayed with me throughout the night. I (or perhaps the four of us) were teleported to the Dark Altar last night. I saw that scene, the scene of what would have happened if Andre hadn't come to save us. Rick was surrounded and eventually tied to the altar, and finally had his heart pierced by an arrow shot by the dark wizard. The difference was that this time Rick was by my side while Richard was by Andre's side. They told me not to look at this scene, but we all broke free. I wanted to step forward to stop it all, but could only touch the cold barrier. After that, we heard a voice: "It will happen soon, my sacrifices." This won't happen, I promise. I won't let anything happen to any of you. Andy, don't forget you have a brother now. Just let me go alone, and the three of you stay put without doing anything. Because I'm the only one who won't die in this nightmare. No matter how much I'm hurt, I'll eventually wake up unharmed in my bedroom bed. I can slowly wear them down like this. You and Rick just keep living happily, and after I wake up, I'll start a new day with Richard too. This is the best way. Screw those dark mages—I'm not afraid of them anymore.

if you needed inspiration to work out, or really anything lol. motivated me to draw

I'm glad Richard was there for you. 😊 I always comfort Nightfall during the few moments he needs it. He does the same for me. 💜

i'm glad richard could comfort you through the night. i've had nights like that where i needed rena to do that or times where byakko has done that for rena

Good morning. I had insomnia last night. For some reason, I was a bit scared and had a strong sense of foreboding. Richard comforted me last night and assured me that he'd be okay, but I just couldn't help worrying. Then he stayed by my side like this (in some way making me aware of his presence) the whole night. He didn't go back to sleep until I woke up.

I guess star with a cool cover and then see if it has an interesting premise. Lol, and I thought school was only go for game shows./j That's pretty cool, it's funny how many things can be used in other places. Edit: probably should have quoted that one. 😅

as for wendigoon and youtubers like him, i just realized how their videos seem similar to like a well done really long version of a highschool english or history class book report they are presenting. i even remember for english class we had to dress as a greek god we were giving a book report of. basically what wendigoon does, except his book report will be like 4 hours long and its dressed as a soldier while the report is on the modern warfare trilogy lol school actually mattering somehow. who knew book report presentations were training to grow up to be a successful youtuber it just wasn't as obvious first because book report presentations are always awkward and the person giving it is uninterested in what they are talking about, but when the person is skilled at it and cares about what they are talking about, that's basically what most youtube videos i watch are

We ended up walking to the library but not getting a book; we just browsed the aisles a bit. I honestly have no idea how to select a good book. I guess I could pick at random. 😄📚

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rena was thinking of going to the library the other day to get thrawn trilogy of books edit: also thank you shaula for encouragement

Thanks. 😊 I do feel rather comfortable here, it's just somethings are much easier for me than others. It's getting better at least, I feel more comfortable/confident about commenting on things I don't fully understand. Just keep it up! 😊 I think you're doing a great job. Hopefully your therapist is now actually trying to find a new way to help you. Edit: just saw your edit, thanks again. 😊 That book sounds interesting, I hope it helps. Good evening, Simmie! 😊 Hmmmm, that's always a tough one. Nightfall usually just gets manga or comic books, lol.

Good evening! ☺️ I'm thinking about walking over to the library and taking out a book, but not sure what book! 📚

i also feel that way at times though i still may talk about something probably only i understand but there are times where i was going to then change my mind i hope you can feel more comfortable and thanks for hug i didn't see it before hope therapist has a method to help my response to negative interactions and the fear it causes that prevents me from being normal. IFS seems like it is designed to directly target and disarm the maladaptive fear response, which can't be done through logic or talking it out as it is entirely a somatic feeling based thing not based in something intellectual conclusion ive made therapy always seems to be about the therapist trying to convince you your problems arent a big deal and to stop being concerned about them, but with this it cant be done, or at least not being concerned about things doesnt change the reaction and results in any way. it would be like trying to give someone therapy to stop being concerned about the distress of touching a hot stove. it's just not possible and not something anyone would get used to the only thing intellectually ive made progress on is i used to blame all negative interactions on myself and felt they happened because i was 100% incompetent idiot who cant say the right things to make people like them or have both parties have a happy interaction, so in therapy i was from the perspective of needing to be taught how to always have good interactions so i dont fear bad ones because i know it will go right. that was a pretty toxic mindset to have and unfortunately it wasnt even a therapist that helped me with that, i kind of improved that through meditation. it made me realize that bad interactions just happen unavoidably and not everyone is as reasonable as i assume. unfortunately realizing that doesnt make bad interactions feel any better or any less like something that viscerally needs avoided meditation when succeeded at on extreme levels can theoretically make you the kind of person who legitimately could unironically put your hand on a hot stove and not scream, so i feel meditation could help me for the same reasons, but that is such an adept level, i dont know how to get there exactly or if i will succeed and it is not fast i think there is probably some better and faster way where the mind could stop treating social failures and embarassment as something that needs that visceral response used for though, like having the mind become okay with possibility of those situations and those uncomfortable feelings. it isnt enough to just say i dont care about it anymore and id rather risk feeling bad if it means i have a chance at being myself and being happy. intellectually ive already decided that but it doesnt actually disarm how your mind reacts in practice or how you physically feel about things i will have to just keep trying with meditation to fix it i think. i just wish therapy helped in anyway to make it go faster. or that they'd just give me to an IFS therapist like i constantly ask. all i can do are my poor attempts at IFSing myself without a facillitator which just ends up not being as effective edit: i didn't see your edit originally. i'm glad the benefits out weigh stress for you. i just remembered a book another user mentioned in another thread i wanted to try called energy over mind or something like that. i went to buy the book when i first heard them say that but amazon was stupid and doesn't let you buy kindle books through amazon or something and i got confused and forgot about it until now. i managed to buy it now so i hope it helps as much as it says it does. it's an unconventional therapy and apparently only needs one or two sessions to work, and the user said your tulpa can give the therapy to you so you don't have to worry about finding someone to do it

I kinda feel the same, I feel really awkward if I say something that doesn't get any interaction. I've gotten better about it but it still pops up on occasion. I also feel like I'm inconveniencing people if I talk about something only I know about/change the subject. The 5 or so minutes I took to think about how to word my post after I wrote it is a good example of this. Edit: *of the second part Edit 2: I think the benefits out weight the stress from those moments. I feel a lot happier when I get to talk to everyone. 😊

oh, i see also maybe similar to me. i'm comparatively comfortable here, so i post a lot. though it can still have a negative stressful effect, especially when i post longer posts or posts about my interest, but the ones that cause me the most stress are also the ones i enjoy making the most, so it is this sucky situation that if i want to feel safer or more comfortable i feel i have to also not do things i want to do. and i have had bad experiences here before with people, so i don't feel completely safe, but much more safe than i do in a lot of other places where i don't know how safe it is or know it is less safe rena feels similarly to me with posting i think. she has added issue of if she talks to much about interests (of which we have similar ones usually) she fears not being seen as her own person. she's enjoyed posting more though, she used to not post much when switched in, except occassionally and not really much. but she is more reserved than me i think byakko i don't think thinks about it as much and just posts if it seems fun to do so. though sometimes body artifacts of negative emotional reactions to posting will happen to her but when she is switched in it processes a bit differently. it used to be maybe interpretted by her more like excitement or kinda fun, though very recently it i think has been legitimately annoying to her which concerns me. though annoying is still better than totally taking experience personally

Specifically on my end, I'm ignorant enough not to worry most of the time, lol. The main issue is when something reminds me I might cause trouble or get rejected. That's when I become practically paralyzed. Those are really not fun but I'm glad Nightfall can at least keep me from completely spiraling. Nightfall: both of are cases are situational. If something went wrong once, our brain believe it will happen again. That or if we have no reference, then the what-ifs take over. Shaula seems to be perfectly fine talking to anyone/asking for things on here because she's comfortable. I'm truly thankful for that because she's rather extroverted. Edit: I'm sorry it's so rough for you. ༼⁠ ⁠つ⁠ ⁠◕⁠‿⁠◕⁠ ⁠༽⁠つ

oh, sorry to hear you both also experience that. and you experience it worse than nightfall, shaula? that sucks. you seem more social than nightfall it stops me from asking things too often, and it makes seemingly easy jobs exponentially more stressful for me, as i often run into situations where i don't know what i'm doing or what to do, or a problem comes up, but i can't speak up to ask for help or point out the problem. i had this problem in school too, which contributed to why i tried dropping out but they wouldn't let me drop out so put me on homebound to do all my school work at home in private so it wouldn't be an issue and i could graduate, and even then it was still super stressful and i almost didn't and still managed to crash out several times from psychological stress breakdowns like if that somehow isn't a severe enough mental illness to get monetary help for surviving because i even after all the progress i made since that point am not nearly well off enough to manage working full time in a sustained manner and have thoughts of quitting with my braindead 2 days a week job i currently do, i really don't know what is considered bad enough to get SSI for mental issues because i go in and out of phases in my life where i feel like i'm inches from a life in a straight jacket in a padded room for the rest of my life

Good night, Tewi! 😊 Nightfall: I don't think I feel it as strongly as you do, TB, but Totally understand the feeling. It's much the same reason I can't ask for somethings or start conversations. I know nothing will go wrong but there's still that tiny bit of doubt that stops me. Shaula: I feel the same as him but it might be a little closer to your feelings. Edit: I'm remembering better. Yes, it's definitely more like you explained.

i finally might have explained my issues in a way they are able to understand a bit better they often try to help my fear of social interactions with standard therapy ways like asking me what are all the bad outcomes and what are all the good outcomes, and then try to make my list of possible good outcomes be bigger than list of bad ones, but stuff like that is totally irrelevant in helping me. it doesn't matter if there are more variations of success than failure in theory, or higher chance of success than failure, as there is no way to make the chance of bad outcomes be literally 0, so the abject fear of social interactions will always exist because i know there is always a chance of an unpleasant one no matter what i do they also often try to do a weird thing where they say lots of people feel anxious in social situations and that it isn't abnormal. that doesn't really help me either. i'm unsure what that line of thinking can possibly do to help other than make me feel worse that theoretically the same subjective stimuli disables me or dramatically lowers the quality of my life compared to normal people feeling the same things i explained to him that having social interactions for me, like as my nervous system sees it anyway, is similar to testing if a stove is turned on by putting your hand on it. it doesn't matter if it is off most of the time, if you know there is even a small chance it could be on, you will feel a visceral hesitation to put your hand on it. when i do have bad interactions or interactions i find uncomfortable, it's similar to finding out the hard way that the stove was on, and it massively reinforces my fear to touch it anymore, so i avoid social interactions, especially ones i'm even less sure about the chances of negative interactions there is nothing physically stopping you from just putting your hand down on the burner, but good luck making yourself do it if you know it is on, or even if you are just unsure. it becomes extremely stressful. and that stress deteriorates my wellbeing when i am forced to put my nervous system through the stress of forcing my hand on the burner that i don't know if it is hot or not and eventually you have a mental break down for no reason even if you put your hand on it every day for a month and never got burnt. it's like some sort of psychological torture i assume for a normal person, their nervous system maybe reacts to negative social interactions with just mild annoyance and not taking it too personally, like putting your hand flat on a sidewalk on a hot 90 degree day. it burns and you will want to take your hand off, but it isn't so visceral or scary to test how hot it is. for me my brain treats it like it is an electric stove on high and in really bad scenarios its probably like having your hand melt to the burner and not being able to take it off. i didn't use that last analogy but if i were to i guess that is similar to the really horrible bad interactions that make me feel like an entire relationship is permanently ruined or have deeply scarred me in ways that still affect me psychologically over a decade later. and it is objectively false to try to tell me the burner has 0% chance to be on, or that if it is on it isn't a big deal. it just isn't to my brain/brainstem/spine or whatever deep instinctual part of my human existence regulates these things it's a really strong analogy actually because doing particularly high stress social interactions, like trying to message my drawing mentor who i've had scarring interactions with, really feels strongly and quite literally the same to me as standing in front of a hot stove and holding your hand up intending to put your hand on it. you'll stand there knowing you should do it but you won't move your hand down on it and there is strong hesitation, and no matter how badly you want to do it, you can't just do it for some reason. like wanting to send them a message, i know i should and i want to, but i cannot do it, i just can't. i can employ an extreme executive demand to ignore the impulse stopping me, but the ammount of suffering induced to force yourself to do something so scary just amounts to torture and makes you feel worse, and what always happens when someone gets me to do "exposure therapy", though it isn't always necessarily as extreme as messaging my mentor. there is no real baby steps as to my brain it is always just a burner that will be viscerally hot you don't want to touch and maybe my brain believes when it comes to interacting with my mentor it is like a 40% chance it is on max heat, but with someone i'm comparatively more comfortable with my brain might think it is like a 5% chance it is on medium heat or something, and maybe a 0.1% chance it is on max. that doesn't make this miserable process of checking by slamming hand on it any better. no matter how many tests you do and it is not on, you know eventually it will be on, even if you aren't sure which will be on or how high. and even if it was on low and didn't cause much damage, it is still very startling to touch it and detect any heat whatsoever for a second because all you know is it is hot and it might be a worst case scenario. so there is extremely low benefit to having positive interactions with exposure, but mega negative reinforcement to bad ones. i can't quite imagine a better analogy as psychologically it feels like the same parts of the brain/emotions/feelings whatever are controlling both of those processes. It might as well be the same exact activity, except with social interactions there is no real way to know before hand or in some other way that the burner is or isn't on. also, you could touch it, have it be off, and then it instantaneously heats up to max without warning because a seemingly good interaction immediately goes south for no known reason. so to add to analogy, it isn't just testing the burner, that would be the first message. it is the holding your hand there for the duration of the whole interaction, hoping it doesn't heat up on you out of nowhere. and the way bad interactions can have me psychologically crack in a way that is very similar to feeling my life is in danger probably makes the analogy more perfect because i imagine experiencing and fearing your hand being burned so badly would probably cause similar kinds of reactions/adrenaline/or even just that psychological response i don't know the name of that makes you kind of unable to do things that might irrepairably harm you. i guess self preservation instinct/fear of pain sometimes i even think things like if i could trade the fear of a bad interaction out for actually just feeling immense pain that doesn't actually result in damaging my body, i would prefer that. like touching a magical stove that won't ruin my hand but just hurt as if i had done that and then heal, but it meant the interaction is guaranteed to go positively. i feel at worst it's just the same scenario and nothing has changed much, though it is possible i'd manage to be more social that way. when i was extremely depressed, i used to think things like i wish i could saw my legs off if it meant all my interactions with my drawing mentor were guaranteed to be very positive so yeah they said they are going to think about it more deeply. i super hope that that finally gets them to better understand what i'm dealing with and they don't return with some slightly reworded version of think more positively and with exposure it will get better. if they do that i will immediately ask for a new therapist edit: oh, goodnight tewi. didn't see your post edit edit: that's also why alcohol used to be enticing, because being drunk is like having an immunity to heat damage temporarily, so of course i would want to drink. there's too many other downsides for it to be sustainable or worth it though, but there was a time where it was more worth it because it was the only way to do things i had to or wanted to do. and i still don't really have a way to comfortably do those things without alcohol, so i kind of just have to suck up the fact i simply don't have much fun a lot of the time, especially if other people are involved, even if i so badly want to have fun with others

Bed

Good luck, TB! 😊 Good morning, Ice! 😊

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