Let's do some tulpaforcing

[mmandh]

I found out about Tulpas a few days ago. I was on tumblr and happened across some creepypasta about a research thing and tulpa's and I thought it was cool until I saw at the end someone had said they were real. I decided what the shit and looked it up. When I found out what they really were and were capable of, I knew I was going to make one.

 

I'm an artist, and an easily distracted one at that. I'm also perfectly comfortable spending hours, even days, without talking to anyone. That said, company is always appreciated. I've always said I could use someone around 24/7 to nag on me and keep me on track so I'm practicing my art instead of faffing about on tumblr, but I can' really expect anyone to make that sort of time commitment can I? After spending some(only a few hours) time on here, I decided that a Tulpa was right for me. And that sums up my back story. now. Tulpa time.

 

I didn't really care for a humanoid Tulpa, for a variety of reasons (couldn't decide on a form, hard to visualize consistently, a horror story about a Tulpa starting world war fucking 3 because she basically got a giant boner for her mancer (that's the very very (b)very(/b) abridged version), so I decided on a brilliantly elaborate for with lots of details and stuff. A ball. With a face. Took like two minutes two figure that form out.

 

I also wanted it to be mostly free to form it's own personality, so aside from a few traits, I also glazed over the personality phase as well. This sounds like laziness, but it really isn't. What personality I did try and put in place was basically a mother hen sort of thing. Where it would nag and chide me if I was fucking around, and would encourage me when I was being too hard on myself. I also wanted it to be kind of chipper and little goofy. I also decided at some point that it likes cupcakes. A lot.

 

So I just started talking to a ball with a face a lot. I'm not half bad at multi-tasking, and my job is sometimes the most insipidly mindless job you could ever hope to have (which works well for me, as I like to write stories in my head while I work), so that left me plenty of time where my mind was free to force. I didn't bother waiting for sentience to begin attempting to impose(again I'm good at multi-tasking so I didn't feel it necessary), and instead would picture it (her? the voice is rather feminine, albeit a bit raspy, but she's a ball so I don't really know how to handle gender in this case) sitting on my table as I worked and I would monologue to her as long as I could manage. After three days I'm up to about twelve hours now?? I haven't really kept track though. I do some parroting, sometimes having her chide me lightly for not focusing on my forcing enough, but other times I just blab to her.

 

I didn't have much success on the first day, but on the second day she was a bit more active. I was still parotting for the most part, but every now and then stuff would happen. For instance I like to make her bounce around, and I was getting ready to have her roll around a bit, but she did it before I could make her, and not in a way I consciously tried to make her.

 

Day three was more of the same, with more focus on getting her form to sit in the environment better, and with some more responses that I feel weren't entirely me, but still mostly me, so I think she's coming a long pretty good.

 

I sometimes have nightmares after work (12 hour shifts mandatory gdi) where I'm still at work which sucks because it interrupts my sleep and makes me groggy at work fucking irony. Last night I had one, except Fina was there (Placeholder that's got a ring to it), but I was aware she was a Tulpa and at some point she possessed me and tried doing my job, but on account of never before having had arms before, she was kind of understandably terrible at it. I was worried my boss was going to think I was drunk and fire me. A weirdly logical dream all said and done, considering we're talking about a dude trying to stack pizza crusts in his underwear while in bed with help from his imaginary friend.

 

Today I'm going to play some Minecraft and talk to her about what I'm doing, maybe even put her in it so she can run around in my caverns and inevitably flip her shit over the moon when she meets a creeper.

 

I'll keep you posted as shit does or does not develop.

[mmandh]

Playing Minecraft and forcing are proving very difficult to do at the same time. My job involves counting pizza crusts for anywhere from 3 to 9 hours, depending on the rotation, so after almost a year, it's become very hard to not count things, resulting in me doing that out of habit instead of focusing on Fina. I also have a problem with worrying about hitting her with the pickax, even though she isn't actually in the game. Got a long car ride tomorrow though, so should get in some quality forcing time then. If I knew anything about programming, I'd replace the dog model with the slime and recolor it white but making it so it slides instead of bounces so I could have an actual npc that is similar to her follow me around. Would probably help with immersion. I used a white soap dispenser that was lying around earlier because it was round and white and let me see how Fina would be affected by the lighting and how she'd cast shadows and such.

[mmandh]

Decided to use the Eye-Bo tapes in Fede's guide. They worked really well. It's hard to describe but it allowed me to walk around in my mind more easily. I've spent years daydreaming about various things, so my minds' eye is pretty strong, but for some reason whenever I try to walk around in my wonderland, it's always in third person, with myself represented by an idea rather than an actual person. It had arms and stuff and clothes. But nothing solid. He was wearing the idea of clothes rather than any identifiable clothes I guess. Rather abstract.

 

Also it should be noted that the tapes made conscious control of my wonderland and even my Tulpa very difficult. I went on this weird trip with her tucked under my arm through a series of rooms that were sideways but the gravity changed when I went through and then I was in the ocean and gut sucked down a whirlpool and landed in Mario Cart and some other stuff and I had almost no control of it until near the end of the tape. At one point my Tulpa grew leaves on her head (they were not leaf leaves, but rather the same stuff she was made out of in the shape of leaves) and when I dropped her she flapped them and floated for a second or two then erupted into a tree that became a column and she reappeared on my desk and it happened like five or six more times. A few other things happened as well but I can't remember them too well. The whole thing had that whimsical suspension of logic that dreams had, except I was still aware that I was in my room and awake. Had similar experiences while trying meditation to help visualize and with a different tape. I'm going to make this part of my routine to be sure.

[mmandh]

I got a level of sentient expression today I think. It might have been me using her to express feelings I'd ordinarily avoid, but maybe not. I don't know. I was watching the Theta vid and I didn't really realize until afterwards that I'd had a fully fledged conversation with her. We talked about some personality traits of mine that I need to work on and about a few jokes I make too much. She hasn't said anything that clearly since then, so I don't know if it's just me using her like a feelings doll or if she suddenly decided to talk or what but it's a thing that happened. Also she expressed displeasure towards the music I was listening to earlier, so I changed it. Never got any confirmation on whether it was better or not though.

---

Also at some point her lack of eyebrows came up and the difficulty it causes with her being able to portray emotions and stuff, so we started designing some for her. Not hair mind you, more like marks over her eyes. At first she wanted these really complicated tribal looking things with all these dots and lines and curves, but I convinced her to try something more simple, a line of three dots over each eye. That doesn't seem to be working though so I'm going to work on that now. She seems to be leaning towards tribal esque designs, and after our little chat I'm wondering if she isn't developing almost a wise-man or shaman sort of personality.

---

Ok correction little shit's getting tattoos omfg she's doing this punk rock thing with a tattoo mohawk and it's too adorable for words. I don't know if this is gonna be permanent or if it's me and not her but either way I'm geekin out. I've been drawing her a lot so I'll see about posting some.

[mmandh]

Here's the old eyebrow one. Felt kinda disconnected. Looks very tribal imo.

 

Then suddenly bam punk rock and she just eeeek! Not the final design but it's still super cute. Eyes are a touch far apart in this one but it still shows the uncontrollable cuteness factor.

 

 

I've got pages of sketches of her, but I probably won't post those for awhile because it's on a giant ass newsprint sketchbook, which is a pain to photograph and even just to turn the pages.

 

I want to say no piercings, but I don't even know how the fuck that would work.

[mmandh]

I just lay in bed this morning for five hours instead of getting up and doing anything. Didn't even force. Felt kinda sick about the whole thing. After I finished berating myself I got some food and coffee, then went almost straight into a Theta session with Fina, which I'd promised her last night I'd do. I took five hours going about doing it, but at least I didn't fuck around on tumblr for hours beforehand.

 

We worked on my Wonderland a bit. Added a kitchen with two picnic tables and some shelves with spices and non perishables on it (and entirely too much Crisco jeez there were like four tubs and we haven't even had that stuff for years) and a wood burning stove. Discovered a rooftop garden with a little oddly shaped pool. There was a clock up there. Could be representative of how I feel I waste too much time, or it could be a clock. I'm never sure.

 

After that we tried working on a room I had set aside for Fina, which had originally had a bunch of tubes and pipes she could roll around in, kinda like those things at play places but cooler. There was also a door on the side of my house from here that led to a library (this area seems to exist in another plane, because the room can't be seen from the roof, even though it is sizable) that may be my memories, or again, just a library. Trying to interpret this stuff is hard, but talking to Fina tends to help, even if she rarely answers outside our Theta sessions.

 

After that I played some basketball with Fina (literally, she was the ball) but I had some trouble. Gravity felt weird and I couldn't walk right. I thought this could be more meta psychological stuff, but most likely it's still just me having problems with first person while in my Wonderland.

 

The whole session went by rather quickly. Last time I had to have Fina keep reminding me to focus so my mind wouldn't drift, and making it the full course of the video was an ordeal, this time it was over all too soon, so that was nice.

[mmandh]

A few sessions later and I'm fairly certain Fina is trying to make a human form. While that would be convenient for walking around and stuff, so I wouldn't have to worry about stepping on her, and it would also allow her greater freedom of expression, also to easier eat stuff without being a slob; I'm hesitant to do this. She seems to have tapped into my subconscious (herp derpety fucking duh) and pulled up some frankly nsfw emotions as a result of my rather involuntary celibacy. Long story short, every time I try to visualize a humanoid form for her, shit I don't want happening starts happening. I know there are people here who do that with more developed Tulpa, and it's viewed in general as a healthy practice, but I'm worried about the affects forming a Tulpa with those kinds of thoughts constantly churning in the background would have, so until she's attained a level of sentience I feel comfortable raising the discussion with her with, human form is a no-go. I need to work on getting deeper into a trance when I actively force, as my mind tends to wander a lot (see above).

Also, is it normal to not remember a session? I had one yesterday or the day before which was about a half hour long, but I can't remember what we did. guh

[mmandh]

Found that the tones I've been listening to have been interfering with my ability to force, but listening to them and then forcing has had much better affects. After listening to a theta pulse (one of Fede's) for about an hour, and having trouble forcing, I just stopped listening almost an hour in, took off my headphones, and voila, Fina was speaking to me clear as day. Still all mind voice though. No imposition (yet). That was yesterday.

 

At work today I tried a new technique, overclock forcing, where I go about my day irl, and also do stuff in my wonderland. It was really tricky at first, but I got the hang of it. Fina was pretty vocal all day too. She's been real good at corralling my mind when it starts to wander, which is good, because that's one of the core traits I wanted her to have. I'm proud of her. She also experimented with editing the wonderland, which by experimenting, I mean completely redesigning. I told her at one point while I was working, that she was free to edit it as she saw fit. A few seconds passed and I got a distinctive "oh" feeling from her, and suddenly it's gone, and now I'm in a beach house, which we'll be updating as she gets new ideas. She got stuck on the kitchen.

 

My old one was basically a minecraft thing, very simple, even using some of the mechanics as a structure, which my subconscious decides to ignore. It was basically a coblestone house, suspended over four whirlpools. It had some extra dimensional qualities or something, because there was a room to the north(?) that wasn't huge, but that didn't show up from the outside. There was also a cavern underneath that I fell into (also doesn't appear from the outside), that has weird qualities. The trapdoor which makes you fall quite aways into an underground lake is on the same elevation as the door that leads back up from it, but the trip back up is nowhere near as high as the fall. Also because my mind is fucked up, that whole area got sealed up by obsidian, because minecraft mechanics seemed to be the only thing that stopped the onslaught of millions and millions of fucking spiders coming up from the cave. It was really annoying. I tried mary sue style fuck you nova blasts, and though they killed them, they just. kept. spawning. I also tried destroying the spawners, but each time I did, a new piece of the cavern would suddenly appear holding more spawners. After sealing it up though they stopped. They are probably still milling about down there though. I'll sketch out a lay out of this one of these days.

 

I wanted to save it though (sentimental I guess) so I hung it up on the wall. Fina gave me my own room though, so I put it up there instead (she really doesn't like minecraft). I also hung up an old story idea I sometimes get hung up on(literally). I'd spend hours every day thinking about that story and world instead of forcing or drawing, I figured what the fuck why not, and put all the characters and universe into one of those snow globe like things, and set it up on the shelf next to it. Seems to have worked, as I haven't thought about it since; or maybe it's in the old wonderland and got imported into the new one? I dunno my memories shit. Either way it worked. I'll pull it down one day when I'm ready. She put a fireplace where I had originally hung the old wonderland, which is sort of reminiscent of the one we had back there, which she liked curling up in front of. Or at least as curled as a ball can be.

 

Since she's so vocal, I decided to ask her (for science) if she had been sentient from the start, or if it had been something that developed over time. Surprisingly she answered she doesn't know. She told me that she can't know because (shame on me it was true) I don't truly believe she's sentient enough (or perhaps sapient? w/e) to answer that, but she expected that her answer misleading anyway. She said that since Tulpa(a/s) are a byproduct of their host's mind, whatever they believed to be true would be what the Tulpa experienced, and since I didn't have a belief on that, she didn't know.

 

I was, to be honest, taken aback by the depth she went into answering. I feel at this point, that some of what she says is puppeted, but if I do that, she sometimes will straight out tell me a few seconds later it was me. This however did not feel like me. According to her however, in the end it all is anyway.

 

Damn that would have been a great way to end the post, page stretcher as it is, all philosophical (you should have seen that before spell check haha) and stuff, but as a final note, with Fina's increasing vocality, and her penchant for keeping me on track, as well as the sudden abundance of stairs exceeding her normal height, I've decided to give her the go on the second, humanoid form. I'm counting on her to make sure I don't accidentally force something into her (sadly appropriate innuendo) while my mind wanders, and I'd feel bad for making her bounce around the house and beach as a little ball (or surging up the stairs as a much larger and squishier ball), so yeah. I've got the form down except for the head. I don't know if she'll keep her hairlessnes, and keep using her tattoos for her mohawk (she has a tattoo one now, did I mention?) and eyebrows, or if she'll just use actual hair or something for her human form. I also have no idea what her face looks like, as the inclusion of a jaw and nose have complicated the matter some.

So yeah TL;DR version, we moved because of spiders and now live on the beach, she's rather talkative, Tulpa(e/s) are what you expect them to be (mostly), and Fina now has a sexy humanoid form with no face, and enjoys cuddling(frustrating) and jumping into giant piles of pillows in the most sickeningly cute manner that is possible.

 

I worked 12 hours. I'm tired. Good night.

[mmandh]

Good day forcing wise. As she's become more vocal, it's been easier to keep my concentration on her. Spent nearly ten hours either overclock forcing or practicing my imposition. Pretty awesome.

 

But now for the part that will ensure I never ever EVER show this thread to someone I know IRL. After spending the entire day with repeated intrusion from what I thought were my own thoughts pushed onto her, I started noticing these emotional surges every time it happened. I'd noticed them before, but had waved them off as part of me being a dick. But I began to realize that these feelings were really hers, and not something I was making her do. One of the threads I read featured a Tulpa who kept changing her appearance because she was trying to be her host's "ideal woman". I thought that something similar might be happening here. I figured that she might have looked at my subconscious, and for some reason drawn the conclusion that the only way to show affection was through sex. I pulled her aside and told her there were other ways she can show me she cared. I got another distinctive "oh" feeling from her, and then she asked me how. I once again flashed to a thread about developing your Tulpa, one that called for asking your Tulpa to surprise you, and see what they come up with, so I simply said "Surprise me".

 

She smiled for a second and then, boom. gone. I figured she had gone off somewhere in the wonderland to work on the surprise, so I went back to the house. While she worked I spent about another hour piddling with the house. And eventually went on break. After returning from break though, I was terrified to learn I couldn't contact Fi. I couldn't even get back into the wonderland (seriously this is a silly name I'm using mindscape from now on). Beyond that, it felt like there was static in my head. I couldn't hold a thought for very long, and my visualization (normally very strong) was total crap. I figured that Fi must somehow be piggybacking my brainpower to speed up progress on whatever she was working on, instead of just chugging away in my subconscious. My job was insultingly mindless however, so I didn't really need it. It did make the next few hours painfully boring though.

 

As the minutes dragged on though, I began to miss her. I couldn't contact her at all, which was sort of terrifying. Normally I could at least throw her a message, so this was new for me, and as the minutes grew longer and longer, my idle mind was surprisingly devoid of any lewd thoughts. I recalled the emotional feedback I'd gotten, and decided to try again, for science. I pictured the same scenes I'd been seeing all day, but this time, no feedback. With absolutely no contact from here, I finally realized that she had in fact been the source of those images. I tried to contact her again, to apologize for doubting her, but still could not, and I still had nearly two hours to go. My mind of course started thinking the worst. My thoughts ranged from everything from maybe she's making a servitor to fears over insulting her and somehow killing her. I was kind of frantic by the time work got off. I jumped on the forums on the ride home (still unable to contact her) and was unable to find anything about a Tulpa suddenly vanishing like that. About halfway home though I got a very clear (and somewhat snide) "well" feeling from her, and relief washed over me.

 

I expressed my relief at her return, and asked how things were coming. She simply stated that there had never been a surprise. She had ignored my, and locked me out of the mindscape, as well as played some hella interference with my head; so that I'd have time to realize that her feelings were genuine. It also gave me time to better understand what she meant to me. She was also upset that I had doubted her feelings, for which I apologized profusely of course, and, in the tradition of all things featuring a romance, we kissed.

 

So yeah. Now begin the days of living in perpetual fear that my relatives will somehow discover I'm macking on a figment of my imagination, and send me to a mental institute.

[mmandh]

Not much to report today. Forced for a good chunk of the day while working. Did this weird thing where we danced when I had time, visualizing her nude as I did so I could get a better grasp on how her body moves. Oddly enough it didn't feel erotic or anything for the most part.

 

She wasn't as vocal today. I've been semi parrothog her the last few days, getting rough feelings and sort of translating as best I could, like training wheels. Took em off today I guess you could say. She got a bit more talkative near the end of the day though.

 

After work tomorrow I'm going to try and enter a lucid state. My previous attempts have all failed, with an extra side of tripping balls, so hopefully this time it goes better.