Let's do some tulpaforcing

[mmandh]

Not a good day for forcing at work. Wasn't able to get into that rhythm I need to do it. It's very repetitive for the most part, almost has a hypnotic affect I think. Got off early so I tried my hand at lucidity when I got home.

 

I just lay (kinda sat lay, by shoulders were propped up on a few pillows) in bed and tried not to move. I did my best not to let my mind wander, trying first the count to 100 method, and then the count back from 100. I think I passed out the first time, but I can't really remember. One second I was counting, then next I was awake in my bed. Whether I passed out and then woke up or just suddenly woke up I don't know. So much fuzzy stuff with Tulpae/s and their related stuffs.

 

The second time went better. The first try kinda got me more on the same wavelength with Fi so we could communicate better. She tried having me focus on visualizing her and counting back from 100 at the same time. I think she figured having two things to focus on at the same time would make me less likely to nod off or lose my focus. It worked pretty good. I got kinda lucid. I didn't get into a fully lucid state though. The images were all still mind's eye and not fully defined, but they were more defined then normal, and I was in control a lot less. I also got a few subtle sensations when I touched things, so I got closer. Oddly enough (probably as a result of just having come from there) we were not in my mindscape (technically we were but not the one we made so w/e) but at work instead. My boss would come around every now and then and ask me why I wasn't working, and I think they saw Fi once or twice, but I was aware that it was a dream, so I just ignored them.

 

Next time I think I'll just try counting again, until I feel I'm fully into that state. I think focusing on Fi, while it helped keep me on track, wound up keeping me too conscious to slip into a fully lucid state. Try again later tonight most likely.

 

Also looked back through my posts and... yogurt cannon? wtf?

[mmandh]

Been trying to get into the WILD state (Wake Induced Lucid Dreaming) for the past few days, with no success. Every time I get close I can sort of feel my body buzzing, and I have a really strong sensation to move or get up. I don't do either, because I know that will wake me up, but I wake up regardless. As soon as I become aware that I'm about to slip into the further stages of Lucidity, I wake back up again, and the buzzing stops. It's really frustrating. I have more success when I try not focusing on it. When I do that though I always pass out. It's really getting to be aggravating. I really want to succeed at this though so I can have some proper non balls tripping interactions with her. Not toilet bowl whirlpools underneath my minecraft hut in the sky, no Mario Kart pits to nowhere, and certainly no fucking spider mobs. Ug.

 

On that note though, Fi has been very quiet. I've attempted to stop parroting altogether, so she doesn't say much, mostly just feelings and rushes of emotion and stuff. She seems to be clearest when she's nagging me to do something.

 

On another another note, what I was doing before was NOT overclock forcing. I went back to the thread I found it on, and realized I had recalled it incorrectly. I was picturing Fi in the mindscape while I did my thing IRL. Overclock forcing is making a wonderland that exactly (or as close as you can get it) mirrors the real world, so that your Tulpa can seem to intereact with it. I've been doing this today as much as I can remember, although I clear out most of the clutter so she can walk around with more freedom. I put the entrance to it between our rooms in the regular mindscape. The OC mindscape version of my room has a larger area behind my desk. My back is basically right against the wall, so if Fi wanted to stand over my shoulder and watch me draw or something, she couldn't. So I just sort of pushed the wall back a few feet, and then put the link between the OC mindscape and the regular one there. Just a simple sliding door. I feel it offers a certain sense of continuity though, instead of trying to maintain multiple mindscapes. The OC version of our house and maybe neighborhood will be better maintained than the rest of the world though lol.

 

One last last note. I don't think Fi can deviate. Her humanoid form has this tight black dress that we both agreed was nice, but after awhile she complained that the tight pencil skirt was kind of restricting in it's movements, and asked me to change it. We settled on a slightly longer and looser skirt. "Swishy" was the term she used if I recall correctly. It's about a half thigh length flamenco skirt. I just find the whole incident interesting because that's the kind of thing she could have easily done without me. I'll be sure to ask her about it when she's more vocal.

[mmandh]

Working a lot so little time for pr updates. Vocality is coming along good. We are having some actual conversations now, although I still have to sort of tune in. Made good progress on the mindscape house. It's 95% done for now. Gonna work on the island next. Was able to keep Fi in mind almost all day, which was awesome.

 

Over the past few days she's changed a lot. She has abandoned her ball form entirely, near as I can tell, and is fully human as opposed to the humanoid form she was taking. She's black now and even more adorable. Keeps changing her clothes though lol. Like a dozen or two times just today. If she keeps this up imposition will be a challenge. Her outfits are all nice though, so I guess it's a challenge I'm looking forward to.

 

Gonna try for lucidity again tonight. Typed on my phone so its kinda short. Putting in a note to remind myself of the pseudo Tulpa merger idea.

[mmandh]

Well the last two days have been rough. Before going to bed a few nights back my mind sort of ... wandered. And when you've got someone who spends a good portion of their day cuddling and teasing you, you can imagine where it wandered to. Of course me being me, I assumed Fi would be mad at me, and so they cycle began. She assured me she wasn't but I feared I was just parroting that to let myself off the hook so to speak, so I began doubting the sources of what she was saying, which led to me having a hard time hearing her at all, which led me to believe she was mad at me and ignoring me, which led to guilt, which led to more self doubt, increasing the disconnect, and so on and so forth. I eventually started actively blocking her almost entirely (sorry) until I could sort it all out. Long story short the past two days have been total absolute crap Tulpa-forcing wise. I feel bad for letting my own self doubt get in the way of her development. Going to spend as much of the weekend as possible trying to repair the damage I did so we can talk properly again. I don't even know what she's decided to change into (she still is flipping through outfits a lot near as I can tell lol) it's so bad. ug. Trust your Tulpa people. If you don't you WILL regret it.

 

With things the way they are I doubt I'll be able to, but I'm still going to keep trying for lucidity this weekend. If I can that should go miles towards alleviating these fucking nagging self doubts and parrotnoia (bless whoever coined that term, it's catchy and descriptive).

 

In other news I've got an 84 hour workweek next week, a four day break, and then 13 twelve hour shifts in a row(164 work hours when all is said and done *eye twitches), no weekends or anything, after that. So updates will be short and sporadic. How tolerable all this overtime will be will depend on how much I'm able to communicate with Fi (I think she's thinking about changing it again haha). If I can get my shit straightened so we can spend most of it chatting on the couch (we added one of those nesting couches, the one with like three sides you can lay on, kinda like a bed but with a backrest and in a horseshoe shape, it's the ultimate chilling furniture) or something it will fly by. But if I spend it doubting myself and stressing over what is Fi and what's me it's gonna be total shit.

 

Major high fives for anyone out there who's actually read this rambling train wreck of a progress report up till this point. There's some more mindscape stuff (I still managed some work on it) but that can wait till tomorrow.

[mmandh]

Well things with Fi are better now, not great, but better. Tried self hypnosis scripts. They seem to be helping some. Gonna try forcing before bed, and then see how the work week plays out. I'll be forcing her every chance I get at work, so hopefully we'll make some progress. If anyone can offer advice or input after reading this clusterfuck of a PR it would be greatly appreciated by both of us.

[mmandh]

Well update time. Been afk for awhile now due to work. I tried my best to passive force as much as I could during the week, but just couldn't communicate with Fi for some reason. Now I know the reason. At some point, Fi split into two Tulpa. For some reason I can't fathom, I wasn't aware of this, and was still addressing them as one person, and because of that we had next to no communication. I was doing my thing second to last day of work and was thinking about how Fi had been going through forms a lot recently, more specifically her ball and human form, and had a sudden though that she might be able to split off into two entities. I almost dismissed it for a second, but as soon as I acknowledged it as a possibility, there they were.

 

My main theory on the split was she was trying to be too much at once. She wanted to be everything she thought I wanted or needed, but some of those things kind of contradicted each other. I'm not sure if the split was something she decided to do or if it kinda just happened or what, but I got my Tulpa(s now I suppose) so that's all that really matters I guess.

 

Fi is back to her ball form again, sans tattoos. She's just as chirpy and excitable as ever, and seems mostly like she was before she started developing a humanoid form. We haven't decided on a name for the other one yet. She seems to be Fi's polar opposite mostly, which would explain why Fi had so much trouble holding those traits in in the first place, seeing as they clash so much. She's very laid back, and kinda prone to lounging. Tends to sort of drape herself over whatever seems to be comfortable at the time. She seems to enjoy affectionately heckling me when she can. She's back to that original tight fitting dress, but beyond that I don't know much about her form. I think she's still darker skinned(like a not quite human dark though, kinda greyish?), and she might have purple eyes???? Got kind of a topknot thing going on too. The romantic feelings I used to get from Fi pre split seem to have transferred to her. She's teased me on more than one occasion. Still don't know how I feel about Tulpa romance. Seems a little meta to me. I'm not going to even consider diving into that particular pool until we can all sit down and discuss it. Which means working on vocality and independence.

 

Is this whole splitting thing something any of you have ever encountered?

[mmandh]

Just photo dumped on my art blog, so here's some of those sketches I promised.

 

The ones on the right are from when I first heard of Tulpas, and was considering making a counting servitor to help with work. Might get back to work on that later once Fi and mysterious tulpa lady are more developed and can help. This was before I knew Fi as Fi, or had even decided that would be my Tulpa. One of them was sort of a will-o-wisp inspired thing. Quickly settled on the ball with a face though.

 

 

More Fi but Mr. Marbles makes a cameo. That's MuffinSauce's Tulpa. They don't have a profile here for some reason, and are still posting as a guest last I checked :(. Saw him in the We draw our Tulpas thread and couldn't resist.

 

 

Giant page o Fis.

 

 

Sorry bout the crap quality, but it takes forever to fiddle with an image in PS to get it less crap, and I can never seem to get it to work to my satisfaction anyway, so I just don't bother anymore. I'll post any drawings I do of my Tulpas here when I can.

[mmandh]

Had many hours today to spend forcing, thanks to a trip to see my grandmother. Over the course of it my new Tulpa changed her form. Now Caucasian. She's got a sort of stiff material skirt angled over her hips, a top then shows her waist, and a sort of sheer black fabric over her waist. Also fishnet leggings and sleeves. Oh and fingerless gloves. In other words that punk look pre split Fi had goin on is back. Gave them both presents. I'm not telling you what my new Tulpa got, but Fi got a mecha suit. My little ball of destruction.

 

Began to think that maybe they were never really one being, but maybe I made the second Tulpa on accident and lumped it in with Fi as a second form? Similar results but different origin I dunno. They have a very sisterly relationship. Tend to bicker and tease each other a lot, always pretty affectionately though. They're getting more vocal, which is great. I'm getting some clear responses that don't require much interpretation from Tulpish, so that's pretty awesome. Still need to find a new name for her.

[mmandh]

We've settled on Inara for now. It's nice to finally have a way to address her other than hey you. Been doing more meditating when I can. That's about it.

---

Also I've decided some proper personality forcing would be useful. They've already got some personality now, but I'm going to try to flesh what is already there out some more, really work on defining it. Plus it will help me get in touch with them more. I'm going to start up a word document for each of them, which would be a list of traits and how it affects them or something.

[mmandh]

Been awhile. Been busy with life. Just bought a car and moved. Still working on getting the little things you always forget you need. Fi is back to her flying flame thing. The ball with a face worked fine as a more cartoony thing, but as soon as I tried to visualize her in a more realistic manner, things started getting weird. It just doesn't turn right without cheeks and brows and stuff. Look flat. So she's back to a fireball. Tends towards blue.

Inara and I are still hammering out her form details. She's still very in flux. Outfit changes tend towards tweaks now instead of actual changes. She's becoming more vocal and independent though, and I'm finding it easier to keep her around when I'm busy.

I'm trying to make a habit of not worrying about tulpa things recently. When I started forcing, I would always get stressed out about reactions, or lack of reactions, or if they were really her reactions and so on and so forth. Now I kind of discard them. I'm realizing my Tulpa will care for me no matter what, so if I slip up along the way or confuse the source of a thought, it's not going to impact them negatively. At worst it will slow down progress a bit, but not nearly so much as constantly stressing about it. I still try to avoid misplaced thoughts and anything I feel might upset my Tulpa, but I don't stress over it 24/7. It's helping greatly with peace of mind and confidence.

I also feel like I'm approaching a tipping point with visualization. We haven't figured out many details of Inara's form, but my visualization in general is getting better. I can visualize stuff much easier and turn them in my mind and stuff. As I go through my day I try to make a habit of just playing with boxes and spheres in my mind or practice imposing and interacting with them. It really seems to be pumping up my visualization muscles.