Chardenai: New Tulpa Creation Record

[chardenai]

So basically I'm forcing myself to get into the habit of keeping a record of my progress with my brand new tulpa. This is in part for the benefit of having written evidence to help me remember specific events that will reinforce my belief in my tulpa during the early and uncertain beginning stages of creation. It is also to track progress and give insight to any others who think they may benefit from my experience.

 

Day 0: I first decided to investigate tulpas a couple of days ago after noticing that they were referenced in something that I was watching or reading. My curiosity, which was a mere whim in the beginning, became eager as soon as I started reading the information on this website and others. I took some time to evaluate whether or not I wanted to (or even should) create a tulpa and quickly decided in favor of it. On some level I feel that I didn't take enough time to consider the possibilities and consequences, but once I read that the creation of a tulpa is believed by some to begin as soon as the decision is made, I accepted that the process had already begun on some level and I felt ready to commit.

 

Day 1: Yesterday I spent a long time reading guides, even though all I really wanted to do was get right to forcing. I initially decided that the approach I wanted to take was not to assign my tulpa any sort of personality traits and to let them develop on their own. I also decided that I did not want to assign my tulpa a detailed form and would instead envision them as an orb of golden white light. Before I felt like I was really done reading, I tried imagining them as an orb in a void (Random and pointless question: Do people normally visualize voids as black or white?), but I quickly realized that this approach would not be the best for me. I could just tell that it would be easier if I visualized a form that was as realistic as possible in a setting that I was already familiar with. I was in what I can only describe as a semi-meditative state while trying to choose a setting for my wonderland and I quickly settled on my parent's backyard. I grew up on a river in the country, and in my wonderland it felt like the perfect space to spend time with my tulpa. While I was trying to really flesh out the details in my mind's eye for my wonderland, I was having a hard time keeping focus. My mind's eye seemed to keep flicking randomly on and off. I was being distracted by the shifting after images that I saw on the backs of my eyelids, but while focusing on these I discovered my tulpa's form. She appeared to me as a young woman about my age with long red hair, jade green eyes, pale and freckled skin wearing a yellow blazer. Her appearance reminded me of my boyfriend's (red hair, green eyes, pale skin with freckles) and also of a few celebrities who, as they popped into my head, appeared in the way my tulpa looked. I didn't spend much more time on form, but I did send her many loving emotions and I began narrating aloud to her as I perused more guides. I imagined a boat for her floating in the river, and eventually gave it a pop-up canopy that closed it off like a tent. I asked her if she liked it and I felt that she did. I also gave her a "Do Not Disturb" sign to hang on the tent if she wanted to (pretty much just as an additional way to communicate).

 

Day 2: Today is day two and I think I have already heard my tulpa's voice. In the guides that I read, I agreed with the advice that said to avoid parroting too much. I also read and agreed with some good advice about belief, and about the importance of giving your tulpa the benefit of the doubt as far as what may or may not be them trying to communicate with their creator. I have had head pressures in differing areas throughout the day that are not altogether unpleasant, though they feel incredibly similar to the slight and easily ignored twinge of a mild dehydration headache. The head pressures have come primarily from the back right part of my head and eventually shifted over the middle in a band before dissipating. In spite of the location of this head pressure, I decided that I wanted to imagine and be able to feel my tulpa in the front of my head behind my forehead and right above my eyebrows. I communicated to her that if she felt positive or "yes" about something, that she should try to tingle my right eyebrow and vice versa for negative and "no". I thought and spoke aloud a couple of yes or no questions to her with very little significant response. The most significant thing I felt from her though was not head pressure. It was and has been nothing less than my heart swelling in the most incredible feeling of euphoria. It has been consistent and often enough that it is definitely her primary method of communication. Upon realizing this and feeling the swelling of such intense emotion emanating from both of us, it actually moved me to tears.

 

---------------Here's Where I Got Lazy---------------

 

Things I can't forget to include in my next update:

Day 2:

- Mutual sexual experience (worry/guilt about this randomly happening so early on was actually quickly and completely relieved by her)

- Weird dragon transformation/violence after forcing with Eye-Bo Theta for over twenty minutes

- Dragon companion?

- Shift in appearance and dress

Day 3:

- Went to start my day with an active forcing session aided by Eye Bo Gamma, but I don't think my tulpa likes it. Tried closing my eyes to see if maybe just the frequency was okay but my tulpa said it made her uncomfortable (still trying not to be skeptical of my tulpa's voice so early on, because it seems crazy early).

Day 4:

- Became really disillusioned with the whole idea of tulpas. Weird intrusive thoughts and random creepy shape changes to my tulpa's form (like suddenly having anglerfish teeth, yikes). Felt like I was really excited about this journey right at the beginning when I was reading information and guides, but as soon as I started looking at the personal accounts of individuals creating/interacting with tulpas, it all just seemed ridiculous. I really want to believe all of this information that I have so recently found (and it was actually extremely easy to accept the ideas and block out doubt at first)...but it seems that as soon as the focus turns away from pure information, everything about this makes me want to forget I ever stumbled upon these websites.

- Also I guess this is forcing me to deal with, or at least really acknowledge, my commitment issue? Like I've had a feeling for a long time that I avoid committing to things (like a cleaning schedule or a second job or a weekly exercise class) because part of me is very afraid of somehow not being able to handle any additional obligations. Fear of failure, blah blah.

Day 5:

- Complete turn around, which is why I am even updating this post. Started getting a head ache because I was extremely irritated about something stupid. Tried to calm down. Felt the same swelling rush of happiness in my chest. Asked, "Is that you?" Head ache stopped. The pain wavered with my focus. As I focused on my tulpa, pain from the head ache vanished. As my attention flickered in and out and my visualization wavered, the pain returned in tandem. After a brief moment of intense focus, my head ache was completely gone. Weird coincidence?

- Okay, so what was supposed to be a "record" has apparently just now become my attempt to figure out exactly how I feel about all of this. I kind of wish that I hadn't read so many unbelievably ridiculous personal accounts...is that mean? Reading about some other peoples' personal experiences made me want to completely abandon my brand new tulpa. Well I guess that is as clear a sign as any: stay off the forums (except to update the record), I already know what to do. Come back when I get really stuck, which is supposed to take a long time anyway.

[timethief]

Welcome, and good luck on your tulpamancy efforts.

 

Do people normally visualize voids as black or white?

I think most people visualize voids as black. Though I don't think there's a standard or anything, so if you like a cosmic latte-colored void that's okay too.

 

- Weird dragon transformation/violence after forcing with Eye-Bo Theta for over twenty minutes

For me, Eye-bo did cause weird happenings too. After a while, the only thing I got out of it was being unable to "sense" my tulpa for some time after using it so I stopped using it.

I do think that the transformation/violent stuff are intrusive thoughts that somehow surfaced when using Eye-bo. With practice and time, they should gradually diminish.

[chardenai]

Thank you! My feelings are very mixed at the moment, but I kind of saw that coming, which is why I'm keeping the record.

 

I definitely visualize voids as black. Any other color seems to take extra effort to visualize. (I was also not expecting that link to be interesting or informative. I was expecting a weird meme.)

 

Not even slightly interested in using Eye-bo anymore. The audio frequencies don't bother me at all, but the initial weirdness of thoughts and unpleasant flashing are not worth trying to tough it out and wait for improvement.

[Zaya]

I have a few commitment issues as well, but it only effects certain things.

Mainly things I don't find interest in. Chores, boring classes, et cetera.

Try and find real interest in a subject, if you can. I find it propels me far beyond what I would normally do without interest.

 

Welcome to the forums!

Glad to see another new Tulpamancer joining the progress logs.

 

A few tips, take em or leave em:

 

Intrusive and even invasive thoughts are a real problem for a lot of people, especially me.

I feel like at times, my thoughts run amok in my mind, howling like madmen all trying to get my attention at the same time.

These also play into my visualizations, and yes, at times weird visualizations come into play.

But these are nothing more than another form of invasive thought, just because you can see them in your minds eye doesn't mean that they're any more permanent than a spoken thought.

The angler teeth seem to be just a spur of the moment visual, don't take it to heart.

 

As well, I would consider really learning how to differentiate between your thoughts. Learning to understand that certain thoughts are simply random occurences, and which thoughts to entertain can really help not just your journey in tulpamancy, but your focus and concentration in all your endeavors.

 

After deciding on a form (tulpa shape, body, etc) and deciding certain traits, etc. Everything will become more permanent. It may not be the exact form or personality you started off with, but it's much like making pottery.

You start with an idea, an amorphous mass. You refine it, shape it, make it better over time. The more time you spend working on it, the better it appears to be, and eventually it may reach perfection.

 

It may not appear to be the exact thing you visualized to begin with, but as long as you work on it long enough, it will be beautiful no matter what.

 

We hope to see more content from you in the future! Try and find that commitment, your new friend will really appreciate it!