Burning Magyk

Burning Magyk's Progress Report

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Posted (edited)

Day 0

4/11/2020

 

Tomorrow is the day I attempt to tulpaforce.

 

I've been a lurker on this site and/or the subreddit for about 6 years now. I didn't want to make a tulpa previously because I thought I lacked the maturity and it seemed dangerous due to a certain mental condition I had at the time. Sometime in late 2019 I decided to deal with my condition so that it would no longer be an issue and then set Easter of 2020 to be a hard deadline for starting tulpamancy.

 

Wish me luck

Edited by Burning Magyk

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Day 1

4/12/2020

 

I started with trying to make a wonderland.

I've tried making wonderlands before but it was difficult for me to keep intrusive thoughts from influencing them. For example, around 6 years ago, I tried making a wonderland that's a forest with a small meadow and wooden cabin. Craters kept forming in the ground. Salsa music would play out of nowhere. The trees wiggled as though they were dancing. My avatar in the wonderland was wearing heels and I could not get rid of them. The more I tried to suppress the chaos, the worse it got.

 

I thought it would be easier to avoid that scenario if I made this wonderland more simple. I made an infinite plane that's completely flat with the floor being made of a marble-like material that was reflective like a mirror. Nothing in the sky except clouds. Similar chaos ensued in this wonderland like in the forest, but as expected, it was easier to suppress this time because this wonderland was structurally simpler. My avatar moved chaotically and I had trouble staying in 1st-person view, easily falling into 3rd-person view. To try fixing this issue, I moved around slowly in my living room with my eyes closed and just forced my avatar to match its movements to my physical movements in real life. This helped a lot.

 

When I finally got around to introducing myself to the tulpa for the first time, I felt a trembling and teary-eyed sensation, and I don't know why. It happened again part way through the forcing session.

After a few minutes of speaking to her, the chaos in the wonderland declined even more.

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Day 2

4/13/2020

 

I tried forcing personality by explaining a desired trait and then forming an orb that I push into her body to absorb. Most of the traits I gave were ones that I believe constitute a "good person" that any sensible person would want to have in general. These were:
Humility, fairness, honesty, wisdom, intelligence, understanding, cleverness, strength, self-control, patience, and empathy.
I figure many of these traits won't develop strongly because they take effort and practice to have (otherwise everybody would be wise and intelligent, for example).
The last 3 traits I explained were not meant for making her a good person, but rather to make it easier for us to tolerate each other. These were:
Caution, agreeableness, gentleness
I explained to her that it's fine if she rejects any of these traits. I trust she is benevolent regardless.

 


Day 3
4/14/2020

 

Didn't have a plan this time for the active forcing session. Couldn't think much of what to do and didn't want to improvise on the spot, so I cut the forcing session short to 30 mins. Throughout session, personality became more bubbly and voice higher pitched. There was a small episode where behavior and movements were very erratic, like she was broken? I'll be sure to have a solid plan before doing a forcing session next time.
Before the session, I was worried that the music I was listening to for leisure was disturbing the tulpa. Out of selfishness, I kept on listening because I was really enjoying it. Maybe it did disturb her, maybe she enjoyed it, maybe she wasn't listening. I should've done the right thing and not taken the risk.

 


Day 4
4/15/2020

 

I figured it's silly to assume a tulpa wouldn't differentiate art and fiction from reality. I'm convinced the music I listen to is not an issue.
I took some time to think of a voice to replace the high-pitched one that her form started with. We read poems from Charles Baudelaire's Flowers of Evil to practice using another voice. The voice would usually change slowly over the course of a few minutes until I forgot what it originally sounded like, so I would come up with another one that was close enough to what I wanted. Sometimes it would just return to the original high-pitched voice. I'll keep trying a new voice for a while to see if it's just a matter of getting use to, but if it turns out the tulpa prefers the high-pitched one, that's cool with me.
I did not get in an hour of active forcing. Planned on doing it in bed before falling asleep, but my imagination was much more chaotic than usual (which is normally a sign that I'm about to fall asleep).

 


Day 5
4/16/2020

 

Procrastinated like crazy today so I didn't get around to the active forcing session until really late.
This time in the wonderland, when I tried making the sky bright and sunnier, it actually stayed that way instead of going back to the plain dark blue.
Tried parroting the tulpa by having her respond to questions I ask. The responses that I parroted came out more naturally than I would expect. It actually felt like I was having a conversation with someone. A simple wooden bench appeared when I wanted us to sit down together. Also, her height was fluctuating a lot this session, and I think I know why.

 


Day 6
4/17/2020

 

Experimented a bit more with changes in height and voice pitch. Generally, if the pitch is high, the tulpa's height becomes shorter and looks young like a pre-teen. If the pitch is low, her height becomes taller and looks like an adult. As you can guess, medium pitch yields medium height with teenage appearance. This correlation exists regardless of whether I forced it or whether it was the tulpa or an intrusive thought. Other features such as clothing and hair remain constant (size of clothing adjusts accordingly though). Among these forms she can take, she has a natural inclination towards the pre-teen one.
In the wonderland, I was able to force her and myself to make our movements more calm.

 


Day 7
4/18/2020

 

When I went for a jog around the neighborhood, I tried to impose the tulpa jogging alongside me and converse with her.

 

Again, I didn't get around to the active forcing session until really late so I cut it to 30 mins. I need to start doing this earlier.
The tulpa told me she had a question. As usual, don't know if this was an intrusive thought or if it was her. I waited for her to ask a question with no response, so I parroted what I assumed she'd want to ask, which was just for more details about what my experience has been with tulpamancy in the past. After I gave a quick rundown, the conversation just led into her acting sad and concerned that I'm not going to follow through with her development and that I'm treating her like a project rather than a person. As usual, her movements were more controlled than the last session. Though, this is the first time I've seen her act unhappy for any more than a few seconds. I used to have trouble making her act calm and less erratic, so I'm also skeptical about how much of this was just me parroting her. That plus the fact that she acted sad has made me a bit worried for her.

 

I'm going back to the wonderland to try to comfort her.

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Good work. You seem to have your ducks in a row, so-to-speak. I am sure you are on the right track in allowing her voice as it is, and not forcing a particular one on her. I am also impressed that your wonderland is becoming less chaotic. Keep it up. Dr. Bob

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On 4/21/2020 at 11:01 PM, theholodoc said:

Good work. You seem to have your ducks in a row, so-to-speak.

I wouldn't be so sure about that, chief. There's a couple details I didn't include out of embarrassment.

Well, thanks anyway for cheering me on 🙂

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Day 8
4/19/2020

 

The tulpa doesn't seem to be sad anymore, though her demeanor is calmer now. Active forcing session cut down to 30 minutes.

 

I had an idea of how to maybe communicate better with her. I've heard of cases where tulpae show more sentience if they are encountered in a dream. On Sunday nights when I sleep, my dreams are usually more like fever dreams, so they tend to be about whatever subject I was thinking of before falling asleep. My idea was if I stayed in the wonderland with the tulpa while I fell asleep, I would remain there in the dream.
My idea didn't work since I just had normal dreams the whole night instead of the feverish ones. Oh well...

 


Day 9
4/20/2020

 

The tulpa's demeanor has become more serious and controlled. She will still smile and laugh though more appropriately like a normal person.

 

I would like to clarify that almost every word or action from the tulpa is still me parroting. It's just that it doesn't feel like it's completely me, like I generally come up with what she does or says but some of the gestures, tone of voice, and even word choice comes from something (or someone) else.

 

Decided to aim for 30 minute forcing sessions instead of 1 hour since after the first 30 minutes, I think I just run out of things to talk about so we just end up looking at each other awkwardly. This obviously would not be the case if the tulpa was able to bring up stuff in conversation on her own. Will try making up for it by forcing while I wait to fall asleep or maybe even having a second session in the same day.

 


Day 10
4/21/2020

 

The tulpa more easily appeared (poor imposition) near me more throughout the day, increasing the amount of time spent trying to parrot-converse with her since I kept remembering she was there.

 

When I wanted to listen to some of my favorite music in my bedroom, I asked her to go back to the wonderland since she probably wouldn't like it. She kept reappearing in my room, I assume out of habit, but I dunno maybe she wanted to be in my room while I jammed, maybe she liked the music after all and wanted to jam with me. So I puppeted her to do the appropriate dance and I tried dancing too. The strange thing that happened next: I felt this aggression build up in me to the point where I was breathing heavy and the skin on my hands felt fuzzy. Then partway through the third song, the aggressive energy abruptly stopped.
A bit suspicious that I was feeling the tulpa's emotion during the dance, could've just been me though.

 


Day 11
4/22/2020

 

Tried speaking to her out loud instead of just relying on my mind voice, and it seemed to cause her to fade temporarily? I wonder what this means.
I barely did any speaking out loud, was not comfortable with it. Just way too self-conscious about talking out loud to someone who isn't physically there, even if I'm all alone. Will take some getting used to.

 

Failed to do an active forcing session.

 


Day 12
4/23/2020

 

Something I did last night that I shouldn't have (which I won't disclose) I think pissed her off. Didn't talk much throughout the day in general.

 

At night while doing laundry before going to sleep, was wondering to myself if I would ever abandon the tulpa. Then it dawned on me that this would likely worry the tulpa if she heard me thinking this. After thinking about how I was going to apologize and reassure her, looking at her kind of scared me? I assumed this was because being alone at night for a few hours normally makes me easily spooked.
While I try to apologize and explain why I was thinking those thoughts, her imposed body seemed to go limp. I assumed this meant she wanted to leave so I just let her imposed body fade away. But pretty soon I got kinda worried, so I tried going into the wonderland and forced her to show up just to make sure she wasn't too hurt or anything. When the tulpa appeared, I made a more proper apology and reassured her that I would not abandon her.

 

When I imposed her back in my bedroom, her personality had become overly energetic and talkative. It made me skeptical that this was the same person as the tulpa. I kept telling her this and asking why she was acting this way. After a few minutes, her imposed body went limp and then faded. A few seconds later, the tulpa appeared again, this time with her usual personality.

Hopefully that fiasco is over now.

 


Days 13, 14
4/24/2020 - 4/25/2020

 

--nothing worth noting--

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Day 15 - 17
4/26/2020 - 4/28/2020

 

--nothing worth noting--

 


Day 18
4/29/2020

 

At this point I really wanted to feel those head pressures that everyone else feels as soon as Day 1. I had become worried that I was just making no more than an imaginary friend and that would be as far as I get. So I tried out an idea based on an experience I had about 2 years ago.

 

Yeah, 2 years ago, when I first really got into Reddit and looked at the tulpa subreddit. I was suspecting if a recurring character in my dreams was some tulpa-like thoughtform. The character was just some portrait I had seen at night and would appear somewhere in the dream when it was turning into a nightmare (or the character was the one turning it into a nightmare, I dunno). So I post on the subreddit explaining the situation and ask my fellow redditors what they think of this character. The general consensus was that it was not a tulpa at all, just a representation of fear and nothing more. During the days that people were responding and a few days after, I'd carefully reread what I had posted. Then at night, I was more disturbed by the idea of seeing portraits at night, keeping in mind that it was feeding the nightmare character. I was living with my parents at the time and my mom liked hanging religious pictures all around the house. My heart would race while I lied in bed, scared to fall asleep. I took down the portrait of Mary hanging over my bed and turned around any books in my shelf that had a face on the spine. This let me sleep in peace for the next few nights, but then I would have an intrusive thought of the really large portrait in the living room. I kept imagining the lady in that painting crawl out of the canvas, climb up the stairs, and enter my bedroom. This thought would feed my fear and my fear would cause me to picture it again. It seems I was stuck in a loop. I then imagined it talking, hoping that it would make it appear less hostile to me, but that didn't really help solve the underlying issue. Then that's when it happened. I got head pressures, and they felt clear as day, but it wasn't exactly how you guys describe it. Instead of it being like a mini-headache in a concentrated spot, this felt uniform across most of my skull. Yes, I feared that I unintentionally tulpaforced a nightmare character. It lasted for about a minute before fading away. Ever since that night, I've taken measures to put a stop to the issue which I won't get into.

 

The reason I bring up that story is because I wondered if I could replicate the scenario but with my own tulpa that I'm trying to develop now. I had already kinda tried this on Day 17, but the fact that I wasn't really afraid of the tulpa, I don't think it was working.

 

Tonight though, I started the active forcing session earlier at night so I had more time before going to sleep. That extra time was spent doing an exercise that another person described in his/her progress report (I forgot who it was and I couldn't find them to give them credit, sorry!). The exercise was to have their voice alternate with my mind voice when reading poetry or singing a song.
When I got in bed with the lights off, I had the tulpa (imposed) walk in and out of the room repeatedly. Then I'd do something unexpected like jump out of bed or stick my arm out and have her react (like she would stop to grab my arm when I stuck it out). Instead of shutting my eyes right away to dose off, I sat up for a while just to watch her do this pacing thing. Turns out that it's much easier to do imposition when it's almost completely dark because you don't have to get all the details right. She mostly just looked like a black silhouette. As for inducing fear, watching her do this while conversing gave the opposite effect. It reminded me of when I was a little kid scared of the dark and my parents would enter the room to comfort me.
After enough time passed, it happened. I got 2 head pressures, and they were the kind that are typically described by other tulpaforcers, not like with the nightmare character. And during the first pressure, my heart was racing, though I'm not sure why since I didn't feel afraid or even nervous.

 

Yay I finally did it! I got them long-awaited head pressures. I feel like Dillon the Hacker in his "Something Came (It Was Me)" video.

 

 

Day 19 - 21
4/30/2020 - 5/2/2020

 

--nothing worth noting--

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Posted (edited)

Day 22
5/3/2020

 

--nothing worth noting--

 


Day 23
5/4/2020

 

Did not do an active forcing session.

 


Day 24
5/5/2020

 

Tried to do an active forcing session while in bed waiting to fall asleep. Was difficult to focus.
The tulpa acted angry at me for most of it, so I cut the session short. I suspect her behavior is a reaction to something I've been doing the past few days that bothers her. I'll try to stop and see if her mood improves.

 


Day 25
5/6/2020

 

--nothing worth noting--

 


Day 26
5/7/2020

 

Did not do an active forcing session.

 


Day 27
5/8/2020 - 5/10/2020

 

--nothing worth noting--

 

 

Day 28
5/11/2020

 

Did not do an active forcing session.

Edited by Burning Magyk

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