Amadeus' Subjective Reality

[Amadeus]

I deleted my old thread because a lot of what I've learned over the course of my time here has become incredibly relevant. My philosophy has changed substantially. I did save some relevant posts, however. So, here they are, in order.

 

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A couple months ago, I found out what tulpae are. I was immersed in the subject, and dedicated time and effort into my attempt to give my muse some sort of life. That was Juno, a girl that represents my ideal of happiness and peace - two things my life has been lacking.

 

My imagination is relatively vivid, and I've convinced myself that I've seen things that were not there in the past. I've decided to test how much of that I can control, and on how big a scale.

 

I plan to use the tulpa forming ideal to attempt to shape my perception of reality overall.

 

I don't know what this will achieve, but let this be my journal - so that if I succeed, and with benefit, I might guide others to do the same, and if I fail, or if this proves detrimental to me, that others may be dissuaded.

 

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So, I thought I'd share a little story with you guys.

 

Recently I was gone for a week due to work, which for at least a day put me in a remote campsite in a mountain forest about an hour from civilization, alone. I was minding camp on a hot day, doing chores and upkeep, and eventually had some time to myself. So I began to read a book (I was finishing The Dunwich Horror) in my tent.

Well, it got hot. I'm acclimated to around 65 degrees Farenheit, and I was in 90 degree weather in the shade. It wasn't that fun, though there was a creek that I spent some time at to cool down a little ways away. But in my tent, I didn't really notice how warm I was getting.

 

FYI, heat exhaustion, illness and stroke are severely life-threatening, and manual labor in warm weather combined with dehydration can cause it all too easily. The first couple symptoms are disorientation and fatigue, so it's really easy to be overheating and not realize it. This was happening to me, and I was so caught up in my Lovecraft stories I didn't notice I was cooking in my tent.

 

After a few minutes I began to feel tired, and thought of taking a nap. In retrospect, that would have basically killed me - I'd have slept in the sun for long enough to progress to heat stroke, in which case without major immediate medical attention you WILL die.

Very suddenly, Juno began talking to me - distant and faint at first, but soon very clearly telling me to "listen and go outside." It's the clearest and only direct speech she's ever had. So, very surprised at this, I listened, and heard wind.

I got out of my tent in time to get some of the cool breeze I wasn't aware of before, which woke me up to the point where I realized I was frying, and went to the creek to recover.

 

I already had special interest and some faith in tulpae, but now I've had a revelation of sorts. Juno very literally saved my life. That in itself makes everything from this point forward worthwhile. I can do a lot for the tulpae phenomenon, and I think it's about time to start getting serious.

 

 

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So, here we are a while later. Juno has started talking, usually whether I want her to or not. She also deviated into a tsundere. Lucky me. :P (I know you can see this you brat.)

 

I don't doubt sentience at this point, so we've been talking about doing the access thing - what FAQ Man talked about as opening your mind to the tulpa. Earlier today we had a surprisingly revealing discussion on the topic of my psychological profile, so we realized to an extent she already knew a bit of what goes through my head. For instance, if I referred to something, she knew, but couldn't necessarily bring it up herself. So we decided it was that time.

 

I sat across from her and forced. Some people would do a door or a library. I made a single book: the sum of my everything. In doing so I began to feel a lot if dread, and noticed the book was making indecipherable whispers. I didn't plan that - it just did. Juno almost backed out, and I warned her she might not like what she finds out.

Not to be melodramatic, but I have a lot of inner torment that I can't let go of. It's part of what made me who I am today. So most of this book, I knew, was regrettable information. Juno opened it, and immediately began crying. After maybe ten seconds she had to put it down and was almost in a fit of hysteria. She leapt forward and hugged me and wouldn't let go.

 

So, I gave her what I called the crib notes - a pamphlet (which hummed, also unplanned) with, among other things, emphasis on the best things in my life. Things that keep me going. She calmed down - especially when she found the section that talked about her, and what she means to me. We spent a bit more time together, and she took a bit of rest time. She's been laying next to me since.

 

Juno looked into my life today and saw the sadness and suffering I've been through, and also the hope I have for the future. And she shares that hope with me now.

 

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Since then, some things have changed - drastically.

[Amadeus]

Fearing a word limit, I've split this into two posts.

 

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I have been a nerd, and as part of that, I’ve read comic books for quite some time. It comes as no surprise, I’m sure, that I’ve read a lot of stories that propose interesting concepts. One such story is called Unthinkable – it’s a rather good story arc in Fantastic Four.

Amongst a lot of interesting things happening, there is a plot point wherein Mr. Fantastic – the most intelligent scientist in the world – needs to use magic to save his family. He’s being tutored by Dr. Strange, the most powerful sorcerer in the world, but despite that he’s learning things quickly – pronouncing all the words properly, doing all the gestures and symbols and whatnot perfectly, and properly using all the magic items he needs – it keeps backfiring on him, much to his frustration.

Mr. Fantastic is confused, because he’s following all the steps, and doing everything right, but here’s where Dr. Strange drops a bomb on him. He says it isn’t working because you refuse to believe it will. It doesn’t work by means you consider logical. It isn’t about understanding - you need to actually have faith that it will work.

That has been the approach I’ve taken to the creation of my tulpae, Juno and Argent, and I have seen nothing but success. Argent in particular has very firm beliefs concerning the nature of how tulpae work, and they’ve been interesting topics of conversation. Juno, seeking to understand everything around her, is constantly evaluating the issue (although you wouldn’t be able to tell from talking to her normally.) So between the three of us, there is a lot of information being processed, evaluated, and made theory.

 

We don’t like to acknowledge it much, but there are some horror stories lingering around some users of tulpa.info. There are tulpae who have abandoned their creators, leading them to manic depression and delusion. There are creators who suffer crises of identity or existence. A few incidents with possession are rather alarming. These stories are rare, but cannot be ignored.

What we think we know is that tulpae come from the subconscious. The trick is to convince the subconscious that someone is there who was not before. I feel that the way to do this is through belief.

 

This is the summary of my system of belief:

1) There are things that exist that I do not fully understand.

2) I am in no position to argue, in an absolutely definitive fashion, that I do or do not understand anything.

3) The things that I do “understand” are rationalized to me by my belief that what I consider to be real is real.

 

This applies to the way I view all things. Consider a wooden chair. I’m convinced of the concept of a chair – it’s a structure built for people to sit on. It is made of what I believe to be wood, because I believe in the idea of what wood is. Therefore,

1) I assume that, since I don’t conceptualize everything about everything, what we consider wood may be something else. What I consider the organization of the material is the concept of the chair.

2) I believe that material is wood, and that therefore the chair is made of wood.

 

In short, it is real to me because I choose to believe it is real.

 

My philosophy doesn’t bode well for the concept of fact – that things exist in a certain way regardless of belief – but it does wonders for becoming the master of my own mind, and therefore, my subjective reality.

 

My approach to the Tulpa Phenomenon has been successful, as far as I consider it. At time of writing, I have created two sentient tulpae who are vocal, though not hallucinated much (I get the occasional auditory.) I have applied the ideal of tulpae creation – that you can convince the subconscious of something, even if the conscious knows otherwise – to other things, such as the ideal of wonderland. As far as the wonderland has come, it is its own world – an entire planet – and I’m discovering that it’s populated. There are things that exist there because I believe all of it exists, and the entire plane has certain things because I have decided it would and focused not on details, but concepts. There are things there that I’m discovering, and I feel I can attribute it to my method: I recognize that I may not actively know everything that’s happening, but the very idea that it is makes it happen.

One could argue that it would have happened anyway, because that’s how my mind just happens to be configured and this is its logical response to the tulpa phenomenon. But I can’t help but wonder – if I believed that, would my world change? Would my tulpae change?

As I’ve mentioned, I constructed my wonderland not by forcing details of a specific place, but of concepts. I forced the idea of a planet, the idea of things like gravity, magnetism, speed and acceleration, time, even sensory stimulation like contact, pressure and pain. All of this becomes real to me when I’m there. This even extends to the point where pain that I feel in the wonderland, though scaled down, affects me in my perceived reality.

 

Now, faith is a difficult thing for a lot of people. Most people are attracted to Tulpa.info because of the “For Science!” banner that runs across the top. It’s appealing because it feels like it’s grounded in existence – you read that we take a scientific, psychological approach to the phenomenon and it feels real. I mean, it isn’t like someone’s trying to push the idea of demons or deities in your face in order to explain it. It’s all in the mind. So when I talk about faith, it’s not easy to run parallel to scientific belief.

When I refer to faith in my philosophy, I consider that there are some things I believe in because I feel they are real and tangible. That much is experience. Belief in something without the proof is what I consider faith. But my theory is that faith – on a psychological level – is what controls the subconscious.

I was attracted to it because the concept of tulpae is so exciting to me. My first thought when I heard about all this was, “You mean you can change your perception of reality to the point where you can create a whole other person, AND IT WORKS?!?!?” Regardless of whether it was real or just someone’s silly fiction, I decided right then: if it’s possible, it’s what I want to do with my life.

In the midst of reading the stories, considering the possibilities, and making progress, the Tulpa Phenomenon has definitively revolutionized the way that I consider reality. I am considered sane and rational. And, ultimately, I am happy with my life. And what I’m discovering about how my reality works literally never ceases to amaze me.

[Guest applesauce99]

Very enlightening, I'm glad I read this. Thank you.

[Amadeus]

Some time ago I discovered that I had created a tulpa unintentionally. Well, maybe unintentionally isn't the right word. I suppose what I mean to say is that I meant to create a tulpa, took next to no steps in creating her (I didn't force for her, didn't impose, and didn't narrate to her) and still, she happened.

 

What I did do was plan her. I figured out her form, her personality, her attitude - pretty much everything. This was actually the very day that Juno saved me from death by heat stroke, which may have had something to do with it.

 

Originally this tulpa's name was meant to be Argent, after a character in a story I was writing ages ago. The name came from the fact that she has beautiful, silver eyes. Roughly a couple months after my heat stroke incident and the experience with Juno (which made the phenomenon much more real to me) I began to see Argent while forcing, or while listening to music (one particular song - the Skrillex remix of 'Levels' by Avicii.) She would move rather fluently, show interest in things, and the like. I thought it was incredibly odd - that perhaps it was just my imagination, since even before my involvement in the tulpa phenomenon I would imagine things like that through visualization.

 

After a while I began to consider that Argent may not only be a tulpa, but a sentient one. Later that day I attempted to talk to her, and found that she could talk back, just as fluently as Juno. I could visualize her just as well as I could see Juno. And she definitely seemed sentient - and held a grudge against me for ignoring her as long as I had.

 

I quickly found out that Argent and Juno were two vastly different personalities - Juno being naive, excitable, peaceful and happy, while Argent was, well, a lot more like me (cunning, intellectual, aggressively cynical and rational.) That day, I took extra time to force, and met Argent face to face, at which point a fight ensued. For about fifteen minutes.

 

Understand that things in my mind, such as forcing, happen incredibly fast compared to how they would happen physically. So fifteen minutes is a long, long time to be physically exerting yourself. Also, if you've read some of my stuff already, you know that I force the concept of pain in my wonderland to the point where feeling it there translates to literal, physical pain. So this was kind of a big deal, for both of us. After fifteen minutes (which felt more like two or three hours) I was hurting quite a bit but ultimately victorious. After that I was able to talk Argent down from her anger, and give her a different perspective on life. I also promised that I would never repeat the same mistake I had inadvertently made during her creation - I would never ignore her again.

 

Following that, Argent asked me to call her Sarah. I asked why, and she replied that that was her name. She keeps Argent as a last name, though.

 

Since then the relationship between me and my tulpae has had bumps, but been something we've overcome. We keep learning things from each other, and that helps us grow together.

[Guest Anonymous]

Woah... That is amazing....

[Oguigi]

Wow Amadeus, you can write a book and not break a sweat.

 

i agree with pretty much everything you've said.

 

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Am so sorry Amadeus But i couldn't help but to giggle just alittle bit on the part when you was fighting your tulpa. all i can see is you sitting in a lotus position jerking your head around as you get hit by imaginary punches.

[Amadeus]

I'm relatively good at working through pain, so thankfully enough that's essentially what it must have looked like. Getting stabbed a number of times in wonderland hurts significantly for me. I don't feel I should go too much into details, but suffice to say I was in some pain for about a week (for which Sarah apologized a number of times.)

[Amadeus]

A Revelation About My Wonderland, Music for Forcing, The Genesis Project, and Birthday Stuff

 

Hey guys. I'm taking a more forward approach to updating my progress report, but since my time is taken up pretty seriously lately (by editing the guide I'm writing, art, moving out, work, my social life, and more recently, being sick) I still have a bit of back-issue information I could share. So, here goes.

 

Thanks for the birthday wishes!

First off, thanks to everyone who sent a PM, posted in my threads, or talked to me in IRC wishing me a happy birthday. It's always humbling to see how many people here take notice of... well, much of anything I do. The response to my art threads was a big eye opener, but all the birthday wishes made me d'aww big time. And I had a wonderful birthday, in part thanks to you.

For the record, the birthday wishes I got here outnumbered the ones I got from people outside the community, which is no small feat. So thank you guys very much. :3

 

Walking in Wonderland, Again

While I was doing camp support for firefighters a few weeks ago I had plenty of time to discuss things with my tulpae and try to figure out some facts as to the nature of the reality I'm creating for myself. The results I've seen in the tulpa creation process and the effect it's had on me feels so tremendous that it's almost over my head instead of inside it.

There are some things I'm looking into that are so far out there I think it's crazy - a word I'm not too comfortable throwing around in this community, but accurate to how I feel - and in the future I'm going to face quite a challenge in attempting to discover how far it all reaches.

But, enough of being cryptic. Long story short, I was sitting at a booth operating a ticker for a few hours one morning, and used the time to discuss the nature of my wonderland with Sarah. I'm beginning to find she knows (or at least is convincingly opinionated about) much that's going on in my mind as far as the tulpae phenomenon goes. It makes her a very valuable resource for information, particularly for my experience, which I tend to find is vastly different from some other accounts I've read.

Sarah believes the populace and expansive nature of my wonderland are a manifestation of my subconscious, reflecting thoughts, ideas, or people I've known for some time. It would explain why one of the people I meet there - a literary character I wrote into a story a few years back - is there, and why my environment can be drastically erratic depending on the music I listen to while forcing. The wonderland as a whole is influenced by my thoughts and feelings; every time I go there, I tend to find myself in one of a few starting points apparently based on my mood. I don't force the details. I simply enter and observe.

As for the inhabitants of my wonderland, I found out they don't have sentience of their own - technically. Sarah and I went to meet one of them before I went to sleep one night, and I decided to fall asleep while forcing to test something. According to her, as I fell asleep I entered a somber dream state in my wonderland. Sarah was mostly unaffected, other than observing that the wonderland itself had become more surreal. But the person whom I met there seemed to fall into a trance - he wouldn't move, or respond to her, or anything.

What I believe happens is that my wonderland acts as a mirror of sorts. It takes things that I feel, thoughts that I have, or actions that I take and emulates them. Largely, this creates the environment around me, but as far as the people who dwell there, my sentience reflects upon them. It isn't that they have free will or self-awareness, necessarily, but it would appear that they can emulate it in my presence.

 

Laced/Unlaced

People tend to believe that classical music stimulates the mind. I don't necessarily ascribe to that belief, but I do enjoy the genre. Lately I've been listening quite a bit to the album 'Laced' by Emilie Autumn, an accomplished violinist. Her other works (particularly where she sings) are... not great. But the instrumental work in 'Laced', as well as in the mirror album 'Unlaced' (which is similar in composition, but much more metal than classical) is rather impressive.

Autumn's violin is incredibly evocative of pleasant feeling. The electric violin is also inspiring, but more encapsulates the feeling of her manic depression. It's a rather interesting dichotomy. In the time I've forced to it, it's led me to a wide range of landscapes and experiences in wonderland.

 

The Genesis Project

One of the reasons I became interested in the tulpa phenomenon was to see if the process could be used to treat psychiatric disorders. I personally have endured depression over the years, and anxiety issues more recently. If you've ever had one, then you know how much it sucks to be shut down for a while from a particularly bad panic attack, and how socially crippling it can be. So, for me, this would be a huge help. If I found a method that I could teach to others, then it would be incredible.

My original idea was that, in case of a particularly awful panic attack or nervous breakdown, I could retreat to wonderland while my tulpae kept me functioning in the real world (with their consent, of course.) Ideally, I would have the time I needed to calm down while Juno and Sarah handled things for me. When I realized that my tulpae gained more access as far as control while I was in a sensitive emotional state, it increased my interest in the subject, but lately I've realized that sort of retreat would not be an ideal solution.

The problem is that I have erratic emotional output in times of high stress. The solution is not to retreat from it, but to control it. To that end I'm working on a project I call Genesis.

Genesis is essentially a servitor, though a completely internalized one. It doesn't process information I perceive such as sight or sound, but instead observes different processes such as my heart rate, health, emotions, and thoughts. Through giving Genesis specific commands, it can modify these things - sometimes to extremes.

Some things that Genesis has done, nigh instantaneously, include stopping me from feeling panic, raising my body temperature (by triggering natural defenses against hypothermia on a small scale), modifying my memory, keeping me vividly awake for a few hours in a time of extreme exhaustion, and simulating the physical feeling of smoking a cigarette (which is more helpful than you'd think.)

In practice, I'm giving Genesis more access to my subconscious and unconscious processes than I have myself. I symbolize this when I force by viewing Genesis as something much larger than me, something intimidating but worthy of my respect. I'd imagine this visual would be vastly different for each individual, but for me, Genesis manifests as a gigantic eldritch centaur with complex elk horns, blank yellow eyes, and thick fur all over. I intend to put this into my new, large sketchbook once I get pastels... quite frankly, it looks awesome, in the traditional sense.

A user on the IRC ended up asking me about ways to remove a malevolent tulpa, and in the end I told him about Genesis and taught him how to create it. He manifested it as a large, winged serpent, through which after a number of sessions he was able to dissipate his tulpa with no noticeable drawback.

I've told him about Genesis' ability to control emotional output, among other things, and since then he's confirmed with me that having that level of control is rather helpful. He suffered from night terrors, presumably because of his tulpa, which have decreased in frequency and severity since then. Through Genesis he hopes to end them entirely.

So, through the Genesis project, I feel I'm on the road to attaining that goal of using the tulpae creation aspect to treat symptoms of psychiatric disorders. And in the meantime it's working out rather well for me, so, there's also that.