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Oh boy!

 

After a long period of absolutely jack, something finally seems to have happened. Today I felt something I had no reason to.

 

The other day I was forcing extra hard, looking for just anything from F. Not in a frustrated way, just in a really intense, sit-down-for-an-hour-using-all-your-meditation-experience-to-focus way. There wasn't much then, other than just me feeling funny for a bit during and afterwards. I was pleading F to give me a sign she's actively there, if she can manage that. But, nothing came that I could perceive. I wasn't very upset about it, though. Some other time is fine too.

 

About an hour ago, though... You know that feeling when you're waiting on the news that could go either good or bad and there's this feeling of anticipation and uneasiness in your chest? Well, I just got that absolutely out of nowhere. It was pretty intense and there was absolutely no reason for me to feel it at the time. Took me by surprise.

Well, after a bit of putting two and two together, I rushed to do some forcing. This *had* to be F. I couldn't focus very well since I was still being sent that emotion, and at that intensity it was getting my heart rate up. It also changed from a more anguished vibe to a happier one as we sat down, like seeing a friend approaching you from across the street. I did feel something that wasn't "mine", and this is the most excited I've been since day 1.

It's still a vague way to communicate, but I'll take that as my sign I was asking for. Thanks! Let's keep this up.

 

Other, less exciting notes: I've been trying a bunch of exercises from that long DIY guide. Grounding, reading stuff in a voice I want F to have, moving my thought voice to come from a different point in my head. It's pretty haphazard since I'm awful at organizing, but I'll figure something out. I'm active forcing regularly for at least 30 minutes, how bad could it be? One of these days she'll come through even more.

 

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Congrats!

 

My headmates use emotional bleed pretty strong, so that helped me a lot.

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Hello.

 

On 5/25/2021 at 12:40 AM, Bear said:

Congrats!

Thanks!

 

Since that last post it's just been a huge dry spell that is still going on. I'm doing my daily 30 minute sit downs with F just fine, but it's actually been super hard to *passively* force. It's always music, work, Youtube, etc., and I can never focus on her consistently when I'm busy with something like that. Bear here gets his head fam to give him pointers during video games, I can't even remember to bring up F very well during a game/video. This sucks, I'll have to do something about this.

 

I did some troubleshooting with myself, so here are some of my concerns:

  • Interactions taking on a mostly apologetic tone on my side. Sorry I don't remember to bring you up enough, sorry our last session was a bit of a dud, sorry I was too tired to even sit down for long enough today, etc. I'm going to give one of us a guilt complex like this, maybe both of us.
  • Something that's been fatal to a few of my other, unrelated endeavours in the past: things devolving into self-pity. The cycle goes like this: try thing enthusiastically->progress is slow->one bad day sends me into a depressive episode->"I guess I'm just special in being so bad that this thing is beyond my ability forever"->indulge in self-pity->abandon thing. I doubt I'll fall prey to it this time, since raising a mind person in my head is a touch more of a responsibility than a simple hobby, but the risk still looms. I'll just have to keep myself in check here.
  • Maybe subconsciously holding us both back thinking "oh well, we'll get there in the future", creating a "now is not the time" trap; i.e. we might actually be ripe for a breakthrough, but I'm being *too* patient. Not sure how to even approach this. Wow, I reinvented hour counts!
  • I catch myself drifting into made up situations and dialogue with other people all the time, and then feel bad about how I could've spent that time on F. Feeds back into the first point. I should try and redirect this daydream drifting energy into interactions with F somehow.
  • My life isn't going especially terrible, so every now and then I'm having these sneaky vile thoughts of the "do I even need her?" variety. I mean, I do need her, or else I wouldn't have started, but this has to be upsetting for her to hear. And then it feeds into the first issue of me being apologetic about it. Goddammit.

Other than that, we're fine, just doing the grind. Hopefully something cool comes up soon.

 

P.S. Apologies for my tulpa not actually being triangular. The title's a bit of a clickbait that way, innit.

P.P.S. And hey, F is almost a month old now! I just wish someone told me earlier there was no April 31st this year.

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  • 1 month later...

A lot of us on the big ol' space rock got hit with the coldest summer of the rest of our lives, and I'm really bad with heat. Trouble at work for being physically unable to think properly kind of bad.

So this left F on a very very long backburner with what little passive forcing I could spare. Now that the heatwave is gone (for good, I hope), it's so hard to go back to active forcing for some reason. So I'd like to ask, any of you ever went on a forced forcing (heh) hiatus? How'd it go? How much trouble did you have getting back into it? I'm not giving up, but I feel guilty about not doing more, and now this reluctance to resume forcing out of nowhere, it all feels terrible.

Obviously no real progress to report, but I expected none from the poor gal given the circumstances.

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(edited)

(I don't really have anything to say on the motivation front - that's up to you, as it is for everyone - so I'll just talk about the effects of breaks. Maybe it'll help you act accordingly. ... Honestly, I have to admit I didn't read your post particularly well and wrote about the wrong thing, but it could still be helpful?)

 

 

It depends on where in the tulpa creation process you are (or how well developed your tulpas are). For us, who are a decade old, no activity for longer than a few weeks means our voices will be a little more muffled or we might have trouble speaking full sentences clearly, just for a day or so before normal activity resumed.

 

For a tulpa who isn't even fully vocal yet, though, if you're experiencing progress or results, it can be pretty damaging to take a break longer than a week or two. A months-long break could mean effectively having to start over (establishing communication) from scratch, although you don't have to do anything differently from the first time so it may be easier.

 

If you're not experiencing any progress or results though, and are just kind of stuck and unsure of what to do, then while taking a break could detract from progress you were making, it may also give a sort of "fresh start" boost. Same way leaving and coming back to any given thing works - you'll lose a respective amount of skill or general feel for it you've developed, but you may also gain a new perspective or find yourself making progress more quickly than before.

 

I'm not sure there's a way to tell how it'll be ahead of time, so I would say to go by how much progress you've had in recent times. If you've been seeing any progress at all (and basically any point once your tulpa is actually clearly vocal), you'll probably lose as much as or more than you gain by taking a break. But if you're at a standstill or haven't had any progress in the first place, a break obviously can't hurt, and sometimes it can help get you out of a rut.

Edited by Tewi

Hi, I'm Tewi, one of Luminesce's tulpas. I often switch to take care of things for the others.

All I want is a simple, peaceful life. With my family.

Our Ask thread: https://community.tulpa.info/thread-ask-lumi-s-tulpas

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