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What to do about a Procrastinating Host who Can't Focus


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Hey guys I need a little advice here. 😕

 

I love Phil very much and I'm happy where I am here. 🤗 But I'm having a little problem. How do I put it? You know when you were (are?) in school and you know you have to work on homework but you keep procrastinating and putting it off? Well, it's like that, but instead of homework it's your tulpa Simmie! 😠 I don't want to be harsh on Phil because I genuinely think he has some kind of ADD and has trouble focusing (he thinks it too). But there have been so many times in recent weeks where he promises me a forcing session, or doing an activity together such as drawing, and then he just...vegges out in front of the computer watching random Youtube videos for hours at a time. :classic_sad:

 

I know he wants to be different but he just seems to be unable to change for some reason. I know he wants to force with me and do things together, but for some reason most of the time he is just listless and lazy. I feel guilty about writing all this because Phil really is lovely as a host. But I've just been a little frustrated and could use some help. 

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For me, whatever I'm focusing on for a long period of time needs to be what I'm passionate about doing; as long as I can enjoy doing something I can basically channel hyper-focus towards it. It helps for me to think about what I actually want to do and do that as the basis of forcing rather than something that feels like a chore to me like more structured meditation. For instance I play tabletop RPGs with Mika, and essentially visualize and tell stories with him for many hours at a time. It's easy; fun; and it's fundamentally the same work as a sit down visualization session or some sort of question-answering discussion, but we can sustain it for way, way longer because we want to.

For anything else that I can't make myself want, making sure I've got a schedule and someone to keep me to it helps somewhat. I also find that positive support helps motivate me considerably more than agonizing over what you've not done, or what you should do. Not being harsh about it is the correct response at least in my case, because I'm already quite used to being harsh on myself and additional pressure does nothing but make me procrastinate harder. Having a tulpa who can switch in and do something you're avoiding can be helpful as well - Mika seems to be able to sidestep my procrastination somewhat by doing that, but he's not immune to it himself when switched in for longer periods of time.

Zen - Host.

Rhys - Tulpa. Initially a Literary Thoughtform.

If text is uncoloured, presume Zen is talking. We go by he/him.

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Oh, yes, managing a host with ADHD is a whole ordeal. I'm totally with you here, Simmie; Robin constantly promises me things that they're eventually unable to find time for. ADHD can make long tasks seem daunting, so it might help to find less intensive ways of forcing; I agree with Zen's suggestion that you could work forcing into your host's interests and hobbies. Robin and I barely plan out "forcing time;" it's not really necessary to have a strict schedule, do what feels right for you. One thing we've started doing on accident is having designated places and triggers for forcing and switching; for instance, I usually front when we go to one specific bookstore. It could help with life in general to do more research on ADHD; personally we've found the channel How to ADHD extremely helpful with school, and there are plenty of other channels that give out good tips. Consulting a professional might seem daunting, but if you are physically capable of doing it, it's better to do so sooner rather than later.

-Mairon

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I feel your pain, hon. Darron is a creature of habit. He responds best when he's comfortable and familiar with what he's doing. Change without a clear benefit doesn't come easy and has major inertia issues.

 

I'm bad at maintenance and self-discipline. 😄

Darron: Host 💍 

Jaina: Tulpa 💍 

Aggrok: Tulpa Void Dragon

Viktor: 🐺

[DeviantArt]

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Thank you so much for your answers! 😁

 

5 hours ago, ZenAndMika said:

For me, whatever I'm focusing on for a long period of time needs to be what I'm passionate about doing; as long as I can enjoy doing something I can basically channel hyper-focus towards it. It helps for me to think about what I actually want to do and do that as the basis of forcing rather than something that feels like a chore to me like more structured meditation.

 

That's how it works with Phil too, but we're still looking for something that we can both lock into. He's tried getting me into the kinds of video games he plays and, I don't know, I'm just not really into any of them. Maybe the Sims a little or building in Minecraft sometimes. Overall I guess I'm just not a gamer. 🤷‍♀️

 

5 hours ago, ZenAndMika said:

For instance I play tabletop RPGs with Mika, and essentially visualize and tell stories with him for many hours at a time.

 

When I was a very young tulpa Phil would tell me stories all the time and I loved it! 🥰 Maybe now we could write stories together. 🤔

 

5 hours ago, ZenAndMika said:

Not being harsh about it is the correct response at least in my case,

 

Absolutely. Phil's already dealt with enough crap in his life and I don't want to be another stressor. I'm always gentle with him. He always encourages me to be vocal about the things that bother me though, and he's actually proud whenever I stand up to him about something I don't like.

 

5 hours ago, ZenAndMika said:

Having a tulpa who can switch in and do something you're avoiding can be helpful as wel

 

We're working towards that! 🙂 I want to be able to just switch in and do what needs to be done, and then switch back out. Unfortunately at this point we're only at the very early stages of learning possession, let alone switching.

 

2 hours ago, Tinyparrot said:

ADHD can make long tasks seem daunting, so it might help to find less intensive ways of forcing; I agree with Zen's suggestion that you could work forcing into your host's interests and hobbies.

 

For sure! Phil tries his best to include me in what he does, but sometimes it doesn't really work. While naming his capital city in Civilization VI after me is a sweet gesture, it doesn't really make me feel like I'm part of the activity.

 

2 hours ago, Tinyparrot said:

One thing we've started doing on accident is having designated places and triggers for forcing and switching; for instance, I usually front when we go to one specific bookstore

 

Ooh now I like this idea! There are places that we associate with certain memories, and there is a bench in a park by a pond that is our favorite spot to go to where we think and reflect. Maybe creating forcing triggers with locations, or smells or tastes, can be a good thing!

 

2 hours ago, Tinyparrot said:

It could help with life in general to do more research on ADHD; personally we've found the channel How to ADHD extremely helpful with school, and there are plenty of other channels that give out good tips.

 

That's a great idea, thanks for the suggestion!

 

2 hours ago, Tinyparrot said:

Consulting a professional might seem daunting, but if you are physically capable of doing it, it's better to do so sooner rather than later.

 

[Phil]: As someone who is 35 years old, all I can say to that is... oof. 😄

 

1 hour ago, Glaurung26 said:

I feel your pain, hon. Darron is a creature of habit. He responds best when he's comfortable and familiar with what he's doing. Change without a clear benefit doesn't come easy and has major inertia issues.

 

Are you sure Darron and Phil aren't twins separated at birth? 😄

 

Oh and to finish off I just want to say that Phil took me on a lovely date today. 🥰💚 We explored a couple towns near where we live and he took me to my favorite spot (The park by the pond) and bought me a mocha. He even offered to put on some of my favorite music in the car but I know he's been on a big Weezer kick so we listened to them together with all the windows down. I love feeling the wind in my hair! 😁 I just want everyone to know that while Phil may fall short sometimes he really is trying, and I really do appreciate everything he does for me. 🥰🤗💚

 

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A lot of the time, I tell John (Wray) that there's no need to be in a hurry with tulpamancy, but sometimes it is hard to keep feeling that way myself.

You're going to be together for your whole lives, though, so I think there are bound to be times when forcing goes smoothly and times when it's harder. (Even setting any other problems aside.)

 

If things seem really tough now, maybe you can focus on starting small, for just a few minutes? Even doing a little bit is better than nothing, and once your host starts spending time with you, he'll probably get hooked sometimes and not want to stop. 😄
 

Hang in there! I think you two are a great team. It is really fortunate that you're so honest and understanding with each other!

 

I have the compulsive need to recommend this book whenever procrastination comes up. Not only a very practical personal development book, but the author is also a lot nicer than a lot of the personal development writers you see out there. 😛
 

On 5/15/2021 at 7:54 PM, TurboSimmie said:

For sure! Phil tries his best to include me in what he does, but sometimes it doesn't really work. While naming his capital city in Civilization VI after me is a sweet gesture, it doesn't really make me feel like I'm part of the activity.


It sounds like you're not too interested in games, but if you DO ever try to play games or watch videos together and he just spaces out (this happens to me a lot, too), one trick that's helped us is setting a timer to repeatedly go off every [short interval] (~1 minute or less) and using that as a reminder that we should be talking.

Host: Wray (or John) (he, him)
Tulpa: Shizuku (she, her) 🐺

We now have a progress report!

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On 5/15/2021 at 12:02 PM, TurboSimmie said:

Hey guys I need a little advice here. 😕

 

I love Phil very much and I'm happy where I am here. 🤗 But I'm having a little problem. How do I put it? You know when you were (are?) in school and you know you have to work on homework but you keep procrastinating and putting it off? Well, it's like that, but instead of homework it's your tulpa Simmie! 😠 I don't want to be harsh on Phil because I genuinely think he has some kind of ADD and has trouble focusing (he thinks it too). But there have been so many times in recent weeks where he promises me a forcing session, or doing an activity together such as drawing, and then he just...vegges out in front of the computer watching random Youtube videos for hours at a time. :classic_sad:

 

I know he wants to be different but he just seems to be unable to change for some reason. I know he wants to force with me and do things together, but for some reason most of the time he is just listless and lazy. I feel guilty about writing all this because Phil really is lovely as a host. But I've just been a little frustrated and could use some help. 

Im the exact same way and im tryna change but then i get distracted

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(edited)
On 5/15/2021 at 11:54 PM, TurboSimmie said:

That's how it works with Phil too, but we're still looking for something that we can both lock into. He's tried getting me into the kinds of video games he plays and, I don't know, I'm just not really into any of them. Maybe the Sims a little or building in Minecraft sometimes. Overall I guess I'm just not a gamer. 🤷‍♀️

 

         My host is also keen on video games. He prefers session based games (Dota 2, Escape from Tarkov. Heartstone, etc). He also likes a lot to play plot-based video games (AI The Somnium files, Portal 2, Phoenix Wright, Machinarium, etc), but lacks motivation to keep playing them. And as for me, I prefer a good plot above all else. So I keep motivating him to keep playing.

          In the end, I let him play what he wants for quite some time with his other friend. But we always have at least some time to play in such games that we can enjoy together. I think you should try many different genres of video games, maybe something will unexpectedly fit your tastes. And then you might want to try to motivate Phil to play the games you like (or preferably you both like) together.

Edited by A&Madeus

I am M a host. I live with Alice. She writes in red.

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  • 5 weeks later...

My host is showing strong symptoms of having ADHD too, and is a champion procrastinator. I knew this from the beginning, and it's one of her quirks. She doesn't necessarily have the attention span to sit down and do an actual forcing session, but we do other things instead. We talk to each other. We watch TV together and discuss what we're seeing, what the characters are doing, and so on. Could you get Phil to talk to you as he's doing these things? That way you'd be involved.

 

She doesn't tend to promise things, but if she does she tries to keep to it in one way or another. Instead we focus on things we both enjoy doing, or I join her when she is doing things she has to do. I kept her company while she was doing gardening yesterday, because I couldn't physically help her, but I could be moral support to make it more enjoyable for her. I never mowed a lawn in my life but I had some input to give that she didn't think of herself. Other times there's only enough energy to sit on the couch and watch another episode of The Sopranos. If she gets into a procrastination mode I try to get her out of it. We help each other out. We ain't in a hurry. But then she tends to include me in what she does, or I butt in and make myself included. - FAB (tulpa)

 

If you're playing Civ5, could you get him to discuss his moves with you, and where to go, what to do, etc? Play the game together? - E (host)

Etna (she/her) = Host

FAM (he/him) = Tulpa

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