Advice Needed for Romantic Relationship

[ier2679]

 

 

Hello. 

 

We have a problem on our hands. We're a system of six, but this post will be about myself, Scout (first) and Max (fifth). Scout has fallen in love with me, and I've fallen for him as well. He makes me feel amazing, and I love him back, but Max has also fallen for me. I chose Scout over Max , and while this happened about a year ago, it was more friends with benefits. A month ago is when it escalated to a proper romantic relationship, and this has crushed Max. I've been worried about him ever since, and I feel like I might not be able to help him. I love Max back, as a very close friend of course, and I'm trying to keep spending time with him without hurting him, but I feel like this is really taking a toll on him. Does anyone have any advice on how to let him heal as best he can?

 

Forgive me if this isn't the right place to post this.

 

This was originally posted on Reddit, the link to the post is

 

 

 

 

 

Edited July 27, 2023 by ier2679

[Glaurung26]

I don't have a lot of experience with a big system but I'll give a crack at it. It's really just like a group of irl friends you live with. Lots of relationship advice transitions easily to tulpas. You have a right to pursue happiness together with Scout. It sounds like the relationship is doing what you both want from it. This is good.

 

But don't neglect your friendship with Max. Let him know he still means a lot to you and you value him. Don't close any doors, just give it some space and time for the sting of the romantic possibility loss to fade. Try to keep providing a sense of normalcy and stability for your system without too many changes to overwhelm them. It's an adjustment for everyone. The fewer the changes, the easier it is to compartmentalize, distract yourself and focus on specific feelings as needed. 

 

Give Max time and patience. Everyone has feelings they need to work through. Max needs to accept the status quo and his mindset aligned with the new situation. He hasn't truly lost anything. He just won't be getting something new. You both are still friends and have your history together. And your future as well. Compassion, patience and understanding. 

[ier2679]

Thanks for your reply, friend. I've been looking into therapy, polyamory, or both. Probably would be beneficial. I'll have to do research on it. Max very much knows he's loved, by the entire system.

[Glaurung26]

I didn't want to push it as it's not everyone's thing but yes polyamory is an option as long as everyone is happy with it. I also would recommend a light-handed approach with therapists. It sounds like your mileage will vary on them. Do what sounds best for your system and listen to your heart (as corny as it sounds 😄)