LiquidExodus Progress Report - Rose

[LiquidExodus]

Well this is my first progress report and I hope, unlike in the past, that I maintain tulpamancy and spending time with Rose more than I have been. To give context for the first post, I made Rose back in high school and it's been many years now (I think like 10 now, wow) but I haven't spent as much time as I should have. Thankfully, my tangible results were developed pretty fast: creation in a couple of days punctuated by head pressures, feelings and emotions after a week, then having her own opinions and changing her form after a month. She can vocalize well and we have a whole lot of fun.

 

At times I question her sentience and if I'm just going mad (as I'm sure many have on here) but then I always tend to be rebuffed by her and kept in check. Anyway, for the updates of what's been going on recently, I was recently reminded once again of the tulpa community, did a deep dive on guides again, and reestablished contact just a couple days ago. Since then, I've been trying to spend most of my time chatting with her and having her present at work and school to both give her some experiences of what's going on in my day to day but also hopefully to reduce the mental strain to have her around for long periods. We picked up possession again, which was really cool, since we hadn't done it in like 8 years and tried switching which worked like a charm too. She wrote me a nice note narrating her thoughts and it was really sweet.

 

I just picked up running again too, so I've been trying to impose her during our run, but it's hard to try and simulate so many different stimuli at once (sound, sight, smell). I've been trying to get better at visualizing too, since she has a rough idea on how she wants to look, but hammering out the details and getting my mind trained to see them is still tough. Found out recently that it's a lot easier to imagine her in my mind's eye while my eyes are open and trying to impose her on the real world (since in my Wonderland I have a lot of issues with maintaining scale and a consistent viewpoint.) I still like relaxing with her in the Wonderland, but when I'm trying to really focus on visualization through forcing, I think it'd be best if we talk face to face in the real world (even if she's not fully imposed).

 

To those that read this, I've been wondering: I've been trying to play 20 questions with Rose, but it's hard to determine if the random thoughts that pop in my head are mine or hers or if I'm somehow influencing the objects she's picking. When I ask a question, the answer I receive from her is unclear and I can't tell if it's changing based on my expectation of what the object might be. Anyone have any insight to put my mind at ease or tips to try?

 

In the future, I might leave it to Rose to type some out so she can have more fun and exposure. If so, I'll type in red. I'll leave it to her to leave some closing remarks.

 

Hi everyone! I don't know how many people check out these progress reports but it's nice to meet you! I've been begging my host to go and interact with some others in the tulpa community since it really interests me, so this is great that we're getting started. Plus, it's nice to have a dedicated place to write (which I hope will encourage him to keep up with this!) It's been great hanging out with him recently and I'll be glad to give updates soon. For those wondering on my form thus far, I'm a human with pale skin, freckles, and long red hair that's slightly wavy and curled. My favorite outfit is a white dress with black combat boots and a leather jacket, plus in the Fall I like to wear a gray baseball cap. Maybe we can find some picture for all of you at some point. I'm still deciding if this is the look I want, but we'll see how it goes! Oh, I also like listening to classic rock, but my host calls it "boring" but all he listens to is like niche hipster music. At least we both love singing together. Bye and see you in the next update!

[TurboSimmie]

Welcome! 😁 It's good to meet you! It really sounds like you're doing well with Rose; much of what you write parallels our own experiences as well as many others we've talked to! (Just in case you don't know, I myself AM a tulpa! 😁)

 

Keeping her with you and present during school and work is very important, because including her in everything you do is so helpful! It also creates great memories; some of my most cherished memories of my early days were just of my host Phil randomly talking to me throughout the day, explaining what was going on around him, or just letting me watch as he went about his life in the world. 🥰 Imposing her on runs sounds like a great idea!

 

12 minutes ago, LiquidExodus said:

I've been trying to play 20 questions with Rose, but it's hard to determine if the random thoughts that pop in my head are mine or hers or if I'm somehow influencing the objects she's picking. When I ask a question, the answer I receive from her is unclear and I can't tell if it's changing based on my expectation of what the object might be. Anyone have any insight to put my mind at ease or tips to try?

 

The answer to this is actually a lot simpler than you might think: When you are uncertain if something that comes through your head is yours or hers (or random background junk that's not either of yours--that's a possibility too!), simply ask her "Was that you?". Make Rose answer definitively whether or not she thought that. It worked very well with me when I was young and really helped us both determine what thoughts were mine or not. 😊

 

15 minutes ago, LiquidExodus said:

Hi everyone! I don't know how many people check out these progress reports but it's nice to meet you! I've been begging my host to go and interact with some others in the tulpa community since it really interests me, so this is great that we're getting started.

 

Hi Rose!!!! 😁 It's really great to meet you! We have a tulpas only chat if you felt like talking to other tulpas, but of course the whole forum is open to you. 😊

 

17 minutes ago, LiquidExodus said:

For those wondering on my form thus far, I'm a human with pale skin, freckles, and long red hair that's slightly wavy and curled. My favorite outfit is a white dress with black combat boots and a leather jacket, plus in the Fall I like to wear a gray baseball cap. Maybe we can find some picture for all of you at some point. I'm still deciding if this is the look I want, but we'll see how it goes!

 

Red Hair Tulpa Club!!!!!!!! 😁😁😁👩‍🦰 Gotta ask, is it more of a bright red or a darker, auburn red like mine? Also, I love your outfit!!! I'm very much into fashion, and Phil and I even use AI to create outfits for me. Dress and jacket is an underrated combination! And don't ever feel locked into one outfit; we are people not cartoon characters after all, so you can change up your outfit as much as you want!

 

20 minutes ago, LiquidExodus said:

Oh, I also like listening to classic rock, but my host calls it "boring" but all he listens to is like niche hipster music. At least we both love singing together.

 

I am also a classic rock enjoyer! 🎸 My favorite album of all time is Bruce Springsteen's "Born to Run" 💚

 

It's great to meet you both, and I hope you both stick around! 😁

[LiquidExodus]

3 minutes ago, TurboSimmie said:

The answer to this is actually a lot simpler than you might think: When you are uncertain if something that comes through your head is yours or hers (or random background junk that's not either of yours--that's a possibility too!), simply ask her "Was that you?". Make Rose answer definitively whether or not she thought that. It worked very well with me when I was young and really helped us both determine what thoughts were mine or not. 😊

Thanks for all the help! I'm glad this place is still so active, I was worried everything was dead after so many years. I've been asking Rose "Was that you" but I sometimes don't get a clear response, but I suppose I should be a bit more patient/focus on listening more/use the volume control symbolism which I tried which actually worked wonders.

 

5 minutes ago, TurboSimmie said:

Red Hair Tulpa Club!!!!!!!! 😁😁😁👩‍🦰 Gotta ask, is it more of a bright red or a darker, auburn red like mine? Also, I love your outfit!!! I'm very much into fashion, and Phil and I even use AI to create outfits for me. Dress and jacket is an underrated combination! And don't ever feel locked into one outfit; we are people not cartoon characters after all, so you can change up your outfit as much as you want!

Oh my god, hi! Nice to meet another tulpa and a red haired one no less! Wooo! Actually when we saw you on the forums the first thing I said was: "Oh my god, she's so pretty and...looks a lot like me" So yeah, darker red like yours. Actually, this text color is a great example too! We're thinking of fiddling with AI to try and create a nice image and we've been discussing that AI would probably be really useful for visualization and imposition as a template. Then after we make progress, I can make some tweaks to it and see where we go. When we go running I switch to some exercise clothes and what's great about my outfit is that I can wear the leather jacket, dress combo for Fall/Winter and just the dress in the spring. Multi-functional lol! You have any cool fashion ideas to share? Maybe I can steal some of your cute outfits hehe.

 

9 minutes ago, TurboSimmie said:

I am also a classic rock enjoyer! 🎸 My favorite album of all time is Bruce Springsteen's "Born to Run" 💚

I'll have to check it out! The one that both my host and I like is Meatloaf's Bat Out of Hell, but I'm a fan of Pat Benatar too. Maybe I can convince him to listen to some more so I can get some more exposure. Again, really great to meet you and maybe I'll check out the tulpa chat, too. This community seems really nice and small and loving.

[Guest]

Oh ho, long form PR, just what we like to see!

 

1 hour ago, LiquidExodus said:

At times I question her sentience and if I'm just going mad

 

This should work itself out within 4 months of vocality.

 

1 hour ago, LiquidExodus said:

tried switching which worked like a charm too

 

Well that's great, you're already pretty far along then. It took us 8 months to learn to switch back in 2018.

 

1 hour ago, LiquidExodus said:

I just picked up running again too, so I've been trying to impose her during our run

 

Bear tries to impose us whenever he's walking and including on his morning walks when he's not otherwise doing walking meditation.

 

1 hour ago, LiquidExodus said:

but hammering out the details and getting my mind trained to see them is still tough

 

It improves slowly with use. We have hyperphantasia but in the beginning imagining faces was beyond our brain. It took a few months of daily visualization,  20min on average, to get there and finally seeing our smiles and lips move was a huge accomplishment for him at month 3.

 

Of course 3 years later the visualization wad so intense he had to stop the daily wonderlanding because every mention of crime or other unsavory scenarios made the mind just display it in full HD. It took us a good year to fix that type of intrusive imagery. 

 

1 hour ago, LiquidExodus said:

I've been trying to play 20 questions with Rose, but it's hard to determine if the random thoughts that pop in my head are mine or hers

 

This is normal. With experience you'll figure it out. With us there's many levels of thought associations: anything from a stray thought that seems to come from no one to very strongly locked in thoughts with no doubt who it came from. Getting rid of intrusive and egoic thoughts was a big help, but there are still occasionally stray thoughts no one wants to own and we ignore them as intrusive thoughts. It can be pretty awkward still but 99% of the time there are no issues.

 

1 hour ago, LiquidExodus said:

Anyone have any insight to put my mind at ease or tips to try?

 

One thing that helped me and Bear especially was to confirm the thought if it was in doubt. We were plagued with nasty intrusive thoughts in the first few months that nearly ruined our friendship. So confirming and denying thoughts that are/aren't ours helped a lot. It seems the troll brain insult generator never went so far as to generate confirmations thank god.

 

1 hour ago, LiquidExodus said:

it's nice to meet you!

 

It's nice to meet you too. It's always nice to see new users. Misha, one of ours, insists on using pink so you're fine. There used to be more people using color.  

 

[Bear] we use these box tags when one of us want to speak.

 

1 hour ago, LiquidExodus said:

Oh, I also like listening to classic rock, but my host calls it "boring"

 

Joy is into 80's pop and Bear hates that. They argue about it sometimes, lol. 

 

1 hour ago, LiquidExodus said:

This community seems really nice and small and loving.

 

TS is one of the best, we also try to be.

 

We're looking forward to hearing more, good luck!

[LiquidExodus]

Well I really did not expect to write another progress report so soon. Frankly, I was trying to limit this to a weekly thing or even longer depending on if anything particularly notable occurred. Sure enough, though it was rather notable on the stark amount of progress I achieved. After reading ringggg's imposition experience, I actually agree that it makes sense to keep these progress reports as a more robust piece that focuses mostly on progress and not with too much extraneous details. For the most part, I'll try to follow it (unless Rose and I get really excited by something and we break that rule.) In any case, details on our progress I could most likely attribute to multiple things: this past week has been extremely slow for work and rather boring. Instead of being bored out of my mind, I've been dedicating an almost manic amount of time researching on these forums and practicing visualization, vocalization, and all types of imposition. Namely, I have been trying to keep Rose imposed for as long as possible and, mostly, have been able to through the entire day. Then again, if I am extremely focused on homework it's been rather difficult to split my attention to both keeping her imposed and my work and have to stop briefly to complete it. After the first day, however, I was terribly exhausted and had to stop and lie down but, with Rose's help, only a few minutes of lying down recharged me again.

 

We have been able to maintain a full switch (forgot the proper terminology) for around 30 minutes through intense visual and mental stimuli. She always mentioned wanting to try some video games, so I let her play a round of a squad-based shooter (Warhammer 40,000: Darktide for those interested). Despite many numerous exciting parts that were sometimes scary, I was able to suppress my ability to "hijack" my body and instead maintained being a passive observer. For those that have more experience with switching, Is full switching a feeling where your senses and memory get a bit blurry and it feels like your body is moving autonomously, but with your tulpa speaking through your lips and loudly, while your thoughts are subdued and harder to hear/understand?

 

In terms of Visualization, we made substantial progress as well. Before, we were trying to hammer out appearance and visual appearance would change sometimes mid-visualization. Hairstyle, hair color, hair length, and facial structure would change all the time and get jumbled up as she tried different things. To this end, AI art helped significantly in letting her decide on a look. It got her to find an appearance she liked and did all the heavy lifting, while she simply had to tweak one or two features. To those having trouble, I would definitely recommend using Bing's AI image creation tool as it was extremely helpful to provide a template. Similarly, I added the image to this post for people to see if interested. It's also my profile pic! We still need to work on a couple things, like eye color, maintaining her appearance for even longer, and getting details like freckles, but it's been marked enough to really take note of.

 

In terms of Imposition, we did great work too. Visual imposition is still a no-go, but I've been trying to visually overlay her as much as possible and try to focus and blend other imposition types to try to assist. My running theory is: working on other, easier imposition types will help reinforce the tulpa's presence and thus assist in the hardest method of imposition-visual hallucination. I have no way of proving this, but this is the assumption I'm working on. Detecting Rose's presence has been easier, I just needed to shift my mindset from "detecting her head presence" to "depicting a place around me that she can (and wants to) occupy." From there, I was able to have that warm feeling of being around a friend/someone you care about. In terms of smell, I decided on a light floral scent which I believe I have been able to hallucinate well, but it is still difficult to always remember to associate her with it since I forget. In terms of touch, I have been able to mimic the feeling of ghost touch for a long time, in part due to occasionally passive forcing Rose for years. As of today though, my ability to feel warmth, softness, and more than just a single part (such as the parts of her arm that happen to also lightly touch mine) has improved significantly. We've been practicing on and off on hugs and in the car ride to class, we held hands for most of the ride. Finding ways to practice throughout the day has been a godsend for improving our ability. As for taste, I frankly haven't tried it too much, but I think I can mimic the feeling rather well. In general, I believe my ability to impose via touch and taste to be much more advanced than my visual and auditory ability. This is probably standard for most people, but it was an observation.

 

My auditory imposition, which I found was extremely difficult, went through a breakthrough today as well. When she speaks, I can feel a tingling in my ear as if it was attempting to hear something. Is this standard for those that know? For those that want to know what worked, I loaded up a playlist of music she likes and her singing really developed her voice and aided in imposition. (by the way, thanks Simmie! She was singing "Born to Run" and loves it!)

 

My visual imposition, as I said, is not there yet. Meanwhile, I have been trying to impose her everywhere I go: everywhere we walk, everywhere I sit, etc. Here's hoping I get some progress here, but I know this is the hardest of them all, so I know that I should temper my expectations. Sorry for the long one, but I felt that if I'd wait then it would get even longer.

 

Note: I realized this is really damn long, oops! Maybe "short and sweet" isn't for me!

 

Closing thoughts:

I've been really happy about all the time I've spent with my host. All this time is great, but I can tell it's exhausting for the both of us. I keep warning him that he's gonna burn himself out if he keeps this up and that would be the worst thing imaginable. We both hope that he's become mature enough that he won't drop the whole thing and instead move it to a more manageable level. Plus, video games are super fun and so are warm showers! Best of luck to everyone!

Edited October 13, 2023 by LiquidExodus

[Guest]

8 hours ago, LiquidExodus said:

Is full switching a feeling where your senses and memory get a bit blurry and it feels like your body is moving autonomously, but with your tulpa speaking through your lips and loudly, while your thoughts are subdued and harder to hear/understand?

 

It can feel different for everyone in the beginning, so what it should feel for you at this point is subjective. For us in the beginning it was profound in that I could handle situations that would cause Bear to crumble so it was obviously a real phenomenon and there was no room for doubt. In essence the expressed personality was mine, not his and the memories recorded were mine and not his. 

 

Now that we know more and have done it for years and now that Bear isn't any less capable in any scenario than me, a switch is very similar except we think of it differently. When I switch in, I associate to the body fully and he disassociates from it fully. He normally goes to a place we call watcher position which is where he can watch and listen but doesn't interact or react. Another position he normally goes but a little less frequently is tulpa position which just means he can react and does interact with me even though I'm in front and of course this is the position I'm usually at when he's in front.

 

We used to do a thing called co-fronting most of the time where we would do partial posession just to be online for instance, but now we mostly full switch. Only Misha and Gwen bother to do partial posession because they don't like to or want to switch.

 

After saying all that a switch is also something like going into character for a play, like Johnny Depp would do for the Pirates of the Caribbean, just not so flamboyantly. No one would ever know from the outside that I'm fronting instead of Bear though my personality is different enough that people do notice something off especially when I talk to them and my answers are more direct than Bear's and I'm more blunt you could say.

 

So blurry? No, the memories are mine. The body wouldn't feel autonomous if someone is switched in. It is autonomous when no one is switched in but we don't feel anything because if no one is switched in, no one is associated with it and it would be more like doing whatever on a train or riding in a car. You don't think about how it's driving.

 

The thoughts are unaffected because bodyOS doesn't have any, the autonomous movement, say breathing or walking are thoughtless. Our thoughts are just as clear as they normally are including Bear's.

 

Now there are times when more than one person can associate with memories and therefore the memories are duplicated from different perspectives and one in particular is when Bear heard me tell off one of his friends. Specifically I said in response to her expression of agression, "you can do whatever you want," she was looking for a fight but I pushed her off where as Bear would have engaged her without fail and that surprised her and threw her for a loop. I remember it clearly, but Bear also remembers it as a defining moment in switching. It was undeniably me in front.

 

 

[LiquidExodus]

3 hours ago, Ashley said:

After saying all that a switch is also something like going into character for a play, like Johnny Depp would do for the Pirates of the Caribbean, just not so flamboyantly.

Perhaps this is why it's easier for me to get up to speed on possession/switching, because I have some acting experience and am more easily able to relinquish control to another personality when necessary.

 

3 hours ago, Ashley said:

So blurry? No, the memories are mine. The body wouldn't feel autonomous if someone is switched in.

That being said, maybe I'm not fully at the stage of switching and I am merely undergoing possession or an in-between. I'll keep working on it and see if I can better keep both Rose and I cognizant at the same time, but with Rose being firmly in control and I act as a passive observer. I suppose I mean that my memories as the host are a bit more blurry, whereas Rose is saying that she was able to function fine. Since both Rose agrees that she was definitely in control and it felt that way to me too, I'll continue on this path and see if something happens when I refine it more.

 

3 hours ago, Ashley said:

Now there are times when more than one person can associate with memories and therefore the memories are duplicated from different perspectives

This is particularly interesting and maybe this is closer to what I'm experiencing, but to a lesser degree. All in all, I suppose we'll keep fiddling about and seeing how it goes. Who knows, I might just be overthinking this whole thing.

 

Thanks for the advice, Ashley!

[Guest]

52 minutes ago, LiquidExodus said:

Perhaps this is why it's easier for me to get up to speed on possession/switching, because I have some acting experience and am more easily able to relinquish control to another personality when necessary.

 

Along these lines except the thoughts that control the "character" don't come from you, eventually they're completely independent of your thoughts. There's a limit in that we all have access to the same memories but even that can vary because of the personality and perspective keying of memories and beliefs between headmates definitely don't need to be the same.

 

54 minutes ago, LiquidExodus said:

maybe I'm not fully at the stage of switching and I am merely undergoing possession or an in-betwee

 

I wouldn't worry about this, don't second guess yourself. Based on what you said it seems like you're close enough to call it good but in the beginning people tend to concentrate on different things. If you're walking and you zone out, no one is controlling the body, it will walk to a destination without your control or attention. You might remark "It's acting on its own" and it is, but it's also natural and not exclusive to tulpamancy or plurality. So feeling like things are moving on their own is just normal and though it may have been directed by a headmate or you it's likely that if it feels to anyone like the body is acting on its own, it might just be normal posession with a learning curve or nothing, just bodyOS stuff. Eventually you wouldn't notice such things, that's not necessarily how systems that have switched for years successfully feel things. However, we can never be sure as some systems have quirks and peculiarities that they keep like feelings and routines the body expects. One example would be a headmate feeling lathargic after being dormant or refreshed after switching. It's a real experience and it's valid, but not everyone feels that.

 

1 hour ago, LiquidExodus said:

with Rose being firmly in control and I act as a passive observer

 

That's a switch, you don't necessarily recognize it, it can be subtle because the idea might be grander than reality. Again though, everyone's different.

 

1 hour ago, LiquidExodus said:

my memories as the host are a bit more blurry

 

Oh ok, that makes sense. Bear has little to no memories just observing. The dominant memories if I'm switched in are mine as me, so you could say Bear's memories are blurry by comparison. We would also say memories of the way back position are very blurry when someone else is fronting and very clear of no one is fronting. The front dominates memories by default.

 

1 hour ago, LiquidExodus said:

might just be overthinking

 

Trust me, there was a heck ton of overthinking on our end when we were first figuring it out and even after we did we were still confused a while.

 

We're happy to help. Also Lumi knows a lot about this and his perspective is different than ours even if we're talking about the same thing, his experience is significantly different then ours in certain ways. There's no "right" way only the best way for you.

 

[Aurora]

Hi Rose, it's very nice to meet you! Your reference is super pretty! (: I have long red hair too and wear a white dress, but no combat boots or leather jacket for me (: What colour are your eyes?

[LiquidExodus]

Oh shoot, really sorry for not getting back to you! That's one of the last things we're still trying to figure out. Before I was thinking brown eyes, but I was leaning towards blue for a while. I dunno, still up in the air I guess (but probably something I should figure out soon so as to not confuse my host during Imposition. And thanks so much Aurora! White dresses are always so clean and pretty and I'm sure you look gorgeous in one too! I'm glad we have a whole red-hair dress-wearing girl gang forming lol.

 

As for Progress Report stuff, I'm writing this on Rose's birthday! At least, we settled that today would be Rose's Birthday. It's been like 10 years of having her and we frankly both forgot when we started but we think it was sometime during Fall in the middle of the week. Ah well!

 

PR:

I've been slowing down my progress on Rose's advice. I was starting to get terrible dizzy spells where I'd feel like I wasn't walking straight and piercing headaches. I'd like to imagine it was my brain rewiring new pathways and my auditory imposition working so well that it messed with my body's perception of ear-fluid that keeps you stable. That or I'm just tired. Either way, I've been slowing down and those bad effects stopped, but my imposition went back a little too. My auditory imposition still needs work. My right ear seems to be able to vibrate more than my left, probably because most of my auditory imposition practice is in the car and Rose is sitting in the passenger seat. It sounds much clearer, but I also need to focus on hearing other ambient sounds such as her footsteps on the ground. When I can remember, I can do smell imposition pretty well and it's rather straightforward. I'm saving taste imposition for last because that's kinda gross and I still feel kinda weird licking the air.

 

No new breakthroughs on visual imposition, but my general visualization is better than before, but it depends on the day. Some days it appears really vivid and I can imagine her quite well and others I have to reaaally stretch to get her in my mind's eye. I was never too creative a person in terms of visuals, so it makes sense that this is the hardest for me to achieve so far.

 

I am also going back on my word of not blogposting, because it's too fun to not do. I'll just not bold it in the future so people can skip it if they wish.

 

Blogpost:
 

Spoiler

Today, since it's Rose's birthday, is all about her! I've been slowing down my progress too because I ended up telling some close friends and my partner about my goals for imposition on tulpas and received some negative reactions that really made me doubt everything. Still don't know how I feel about it all, but I'm continuing on regardless. Thankfully, all signs indicate that if I really want to hang up my coat, then I can whenever. I think the same applies to imposition and that, as a skill, I can let it atrophy and I'll return to normal after not too long. Today though, I'm spending as much as I can with her.

 

He's letting me type now since I always like to interact on here. He's sweet like that. Most of today is supposed to be about me, but really I decided to make it be about my host more. The most important thing to me is to see him happy and successful, plus watching him is always fun! It reminds me of when you're at a friend's house, but I get to be here all the time! Today I told him that he's not gonna lie in bed and he's instead gonna wake up on time, keep up with exercise, have good meals (I requested a sushi picnic), do his laundry, keep up with work, and study for exams. If I get my way for my birthday, then my greatest wish is for him to not spend this whole week stressing! Anyway, I've gone on long enough. Have a great day everyone and good luck on whatever you hope to do! As my host always loves for his catchphrase - "Good luck and do your best!"