Be who you are, not who you think you should be.

[Guest]

I've been through a lot of changes in my life over the last five years and today I figured I had a choice to make, or rather a choice that was made that I agree with.

 

I know pretty well what my faults are and I can either fake them away, suppress them and make everyone happy or accept them for who I am, be comfortable, and express myself honestly, knowing I will offend or push away some people.

 

I choose to be myself for two reasons: one, how long can I keep the ruse going? Not long, so I'm just pushing out the inevitable. Two, because the ones who cannot accept me as imperfect aren't worth having as friends and are frankly boring to me.

 

I'd rather a tree's bark undulate and crack, showing all it's age, scars and damage then be smooth as plastic, fake, uninteresting, but perfect.

 

This has parallels to what we do here. We could be normies, singlets, and hide everything away, or be comfortable who we really are. I'm not saying I'm going to go around telling everyone I'm plural, but I'm not going to be someone I'm not just to make everyone happy for the sake of boring chit chat. Maybe the issue is I never grew up, but it sounds really uninteresting. I'd rather spend time in fantasy and enjoy my time then cram myself in a some day middle-aged box of real mediocrity. When I hit middle-age, I expect to be who I am now, flawed, but intricate and interesting. Offensive at times, but tolerant of everyone who isn't perfectly inoffensive. Imperfect, but able to accept the imperfections in others. Who needs to grow up into a uninteresting box of what is expected, rather let me stay free at heart.

 

This applies to tulpamancy in the fact that your tulpa, headmates, aren't going to be perfect. They're going to be peculiar at times, imperfect at times, cringe or not exactly what you want at times, but it's okay, let them be, lest they be so boring you stop thinking of them at all. (I'm talking about myself here, my headmates are perfect obviously.)

[Luminesce]

Make who you are, who you want to be

 

Never try to be someone else, you (general "you") have to develop a healthy relationship with self-improvement, setting realistic goals that actually make sense for you, and that you can really see yourself living by in the not-that-far future.
Trying to live out unattainable goals or ones that otherwise will not mesh with who you are is unsustainable and unsatisfying anyways. (Strive to) "Be the best you", not to be someone different.

 

And honestly, you may well end up being "someone different" after lots of hard work and growing. I was very different after the bulk of my personal development/self-improvement journey in my teens. But you don't get there by wanting to be someone different, you get there by improving yourself in realistic ways, one step at a time. Walk for long enough and you may look around and notice everything is suddenly different than it used to be, but there wasn't a single point where everything changed, it did so one step at a time.

 

 

Mind.. That was all "general you", I think Bear specifically was talking about "Being yourself instead of being forced into being fake". Well, that's a less common (but highly relevant when it is) problem that usually happens at a job or around family or such. I don't think there's any fit-all advice for such situations, but it is good to weigh the cost vs benefits of acting fake, and keep in mind that you may well be better off avoiding environments that require you to be fake in the first place. I think fancy business people get no say in that matter as that's what they signed up for (being fake is in the job description), but for say friend circles or less-than-stellar jobs (or, "good" jobs that are causing more distress to you than they're worth), sometimes it is worth it to take a stand for your quality of life over whatever they're offering. 

Edited October 15, 2023 by Luminesce

[TurboSimmie]

Very interesting points from both. I'll have to think about this more before I have anything really interesting to say. But I do have one question related to this: What if you don't know exactly who you are?

[Guest]

We agree with what you said Lumi, In Bear's case, it's not in the professional setting, it's about friendships. Bear's been changing himself to be more what others want for a very long time, and that worked out well for a long time as well. Others who expected him to be a certain way stayed only as long as the ideal in their head matched who he was to them. Bear realizes he has a core of friends who know him well enough that his flaws are unnoticeable now, but even they wouldn't have liked the true Bear pre-2020. Does this mean he should go back to pre-2020 Bear? No it's not him anymore. Regardless of what he thinks, he's not that person anymore. Some parts of him are still not great, others are amazing, some have improved dramatically, some haven't and some slipped, so what? We don't care obviously, we have to kind of live with him as he is or put him in dormancy and lose a very special person. His personality is peculiar, it's a good word, I'm serious, but it's also generous, loyal and interesting. It's a package deal and I'll take it! He was recently on a kick to get to perfection, but he realized today that even given his best efforts, it's elusive and when he's not, these fair-weather friends immediately turn on him as if they were just waiting for him to slip up even though he supported them and encouraged them and played nice with them for almost a year. So what did trying to be perfect get him? Disappointment. Disappointment in himself and others who he considered friends but who were obviously not, they were just friendly as long as everything went perfectly. Thinking back since college, he's lost more "friends" then he can count for this reason. As soon as their image of him soured, it was over, nothing was there to back it up, no loyalty, no good will at all even after years of friendship in some cases. Who's fault is that? Not his, how could he help it? Well good thing is, some remain and they're like him, they're not perfect, but he doesn't see their imperfections, he sees their friendship and he's loyal to them even when they slip up.

 

1 minute ago, TurboSimmie said:

Very interesting points from both. I'll have to think about this more before I have anything really interesting to say. But I do have one question related to this: What if you don't know exactly who you are?

 

Thanks Simmie. 

 

Who are you/who do you want to be? It's a tough question for young tulpas and older ones alike. I didn't know who I wanted to be until I was 2 years old. I had to experience what I liked and what I liked more. What I liked best was being tough for Bear, standing up for him, protecting him, helping him with anxiety and other things that pop up from time to time, and that's very fulfilling for me. I love him of course so all that's standard stuff but I really feel like this is my calling: Bear whisperer. SheShe's got her identity figured out, Misha too, Joy of course, Gwen... meh I don't know what she does exactly except be Bear's girlfriend in dream space. *grumble*

 

On the other hand, Ren is still figuring this out, she has a job, she's working through scenarios in a process we might document later here but she's still going to have to invent herself and figure out who she is. It has constraints and requirements though: she better have a goal, she does, she better be interesting, eh..., and she better be useful, she is actually. She's working on that and her competition is fierce for Bear's attention, I get most of that.

 

But this thread doesn't have to be Bear centric, anyone is welcome to try to figure that out and get help here. Ren might even post here eventually, when she's ready and comfortable.

 

We feel bad not being here for you and other more Simmie, mostly because we had to focus on Bear, but we're here now and we are happy to help in any way we can. We're here as long as we can be, and we have our own work to do here if it makes sense.

[TurboSimmie]

It really sounds like Bear and Phil have a lot more in common than one might think. A lot of what you said in your first paragraph can apply to him as well, though of course it's not a 1-to-1 fit.

 

As far as me, I actually do have a fairly firm idea of who I want to be and how I see my purpose here on this Earth. 😊 Junior, when he gets older, will have to decide who he wants to be.

 

I feel like Phil could have a lot to say about this conversation, but I'm not sure I want to "unleash" him. 😆 Poor guy's been through a lot in his life. 🤗

[Guest]

Totally understood Simmie, we keep Bear caged now because he just has a very odd sense of humor that only a few people get, but those people are the cream of the crop. Angels mostly.