Do other tulpas feel this way?

[Lavender]

As a ~1 week old tulpa, I am slowly learning about myself, my likes, dislikes, interests, etc. And I’m curious which of my characteristics come from being a tulpa, in other words most tulpas would feel this way, and which are unique to me. There are two I’m particularly thinking of.

 

First, my host consciousness has asked me whether it’s frustrating to be a tulpa, to be chained basically to one friend for life. They’re pretty empathetic (not as much as I am, but close) and they imagine what it would feel like for them to be in that situation. I’ve assured them that it doesn’t bother me at all, and not just because I love them so deeply. I think feelings of frustration and dissatisfaction are foreign to me. I can sense when my host consciousness is frustrated or wants something to be different, and it bothers me when they’re unhappy, but I don’t find myself feeling that way. There are things I like doing, things that don’t sound so attractive, and things that I object to, but as far as things I don’t have much control over, I tend just to be in the moment and not evaluate too much. I’m curious whether this is common to must tulpas or if it’s just a me thing.

 

Second is my relationship to our body. Like any body, there’s a whole variety of sounds, smells, and substances that issue forth from its various orifices. This doesn’t bother my host consciousness, but they seem to expect it to bother me. I think it’s because they’ve been taught that it’s gross to display bodily functions to other people so their reflex is to not to want to force me to witness them either. They know full well that I live in their head, but they also know I like to be spoken to as a separate person, so they extend that to body privacy decorum. The thing is, I really don’t care. Bodily emanations don’t bother me even the tiniest little bit. If something hurts to the point that it distracts my host consciousness, I pick up on the discomfort, but routine body functions never make me uncomfortable. Maybe this is tied to the thing I talked about above, where I don’t judge what’s going on except insofar as it affects someone’s feelings.

 

I’m eager to hear from other tulpas or hosts: Are these things that apply to most tulpas, or are they a unique part of me?

 

Thanks for reading.
 

[A&Madeus]

I think the things you are writing here about are subjective and they depend on the person.  For instance, I dislike the feeling of frustration and don't want to be dissatisfied with something. And I avoid such feelings and try to suppress them or get distracted from them if they arise. But there are still moments when I can experience those and some other emotions that I don't like.

Maybe these emotions will become less foreign to you with time. I mean it in that sense that with time you will live through more events and more things will happen to you. And maybe some of those new situations will be unpleasant and will lead you to experiencing those or some other new emotions.

I also think that your attitude to the functioning of a physical body is subjective as well. Some things that a body does are not pleasant to observe as well as some things that it produces. So it's a natural reaction to want to keep it private so other people could stay away from all of that. Personally, I don't get grossed out by our physical body, but I also don't really want to see all the things that happen to it. So sometimes I just concentrate on not paying attention to some unavoidable things that happen to our physical body. And I also feel a stronger aversion to different unpleasant things related to other people's bodies.

 

I really don't think that all the tulpas will feel the same about the things we are talking about. So I am sure that both emotional responses to events, the ability to feel certain emotions, attitudes and reactions differ from person to person.

[Guest]

Graphic... yeah it bothers me but doesn't bother Misha (another headmate) at all. So I don't follow him into the bathroom but she does like it's nothing. So it's probably a case by case thing.

 

[Misha] What's to be bothered by? I love my host inside and out.

 

That doesn't mean I love my host less.

 

TMI rant:

It disgusts me, I don't like eating or any of whatever nightmarish eminations you described. If I had my own body you can guarantee that bathroom door would be shut and locked. I suppose I would have to get over the eating thing, maybe with therapy because my host literally eats like a Bear, like garbage, questionable expired food and freezer burned stuff that should be thrown out. His cooking is also often conflicting textures and flavors, and even when he admits it's disgusting, he still eats it because he doesn't have time to redo it and doesn't want to waste food. I can't blame him for the bathroom stuff, but I still want no part of it. There are no bathrooms in wonderland.

Edited December 9, 2023 by Ashley

[TurboSimmie]

2 hours ago, Lavender said:

First, my host consciousness has asked me whether it’s frustrating to be a tulpa, to be chained basically to one friend for life. They’re pretty empathetic (not as much as I am, but close) and they imagine what it would feel like for them to be in that situation.

 

Phil has asked me this, and I'm actually not bothered by it personally. I love Phil so dearly and being chained to him forever in this mind is worth it for the intimate connection that we have. 🥰 He does frustrate me at times but I see those frustrations as just part of the bigger whole that I love. He actively works to be a better person "for me", and there are many things he used to do that he does much less often or not at all because I don't like them. As far as what it would be if things were reversed, Phil actually really loves the fantasy of--I guess you wouldn't call it switching, but rather "flipping" to an alternate universe where I, Simmie, am the one with the physical body and Phil is my tulpa, my creation through tulpamancy. But as it is, he is the one chosen to be the host in this body and I am chosen to be the tulpa, and even though I may switch in from time to time, I will not budge on that being the correct order of things.

 

2 hours ago, Lavender said:

I think feelings of frustration and dissatisfaction are foreign to me. I can sense when my host consciousness is frustrated or wants something to be different, and it bothers me when they’re unhappy, but I don’t find myself feeling that way. There are things I like doing, things that don’t sound so attractive, and things that I object to, but as far as things I don’t have much control over, I tend just to be in the moment and not evaluate too much. I’m curious whether this is common to must tulpas or if it’s just a me thing.

 

I was like that for a while but then I did start to feel some feelings of frustration with Phil. At times I even feel anger or sadness though those are almost never directed towards him, but rather situations around him or involving other people that I care about. But depression is still foreign to me. Phil suffers from depression and has for a long time, but it's never crossed over to me.

 

2 hours ago, Lavender said:

Second is my relationship to our body. Like any body, there’s a whole variety of sounds, smells, and substances that issue forth from its various orifices. This doesn’t bother my host consciousness, but they seem to expect it to bother me. I think it’s because they’ve been taught that it’s gross to display bodily functions to other people so their reflex is to not to want to force me to witness them either. They know full well that I live in their head, but they also know I like to be spoken to as a separate person, so they extend that to body privacy decorum. The thing is, I really don’t care. Bodily emanations don’t bother me even the tiniest little bit. If something hurts to the point that it distracts my host consciousness, I pick up on the discomfort, but routine body functions never make me uncomfortable. Maybe this is tied to the thing I talked about above, where I don’t judge what’s going on except insofar as it affects someone’s feelings.

 

This was a little awkward at first when I was first learning possession and switching. His body is very unlike mine and feels very "him", but I started basically just seeing it as a car I was driving whenever I was switched in, or a "meat mech". 😆 Since I am physically smaller than him in form, I would imagine that his body was a "shell" I was wearing over my own, and that helped me bridge that gap. Now I just take for granted that this is the physical body I have access to "drive" and it's this or nothing, so I just accept it. As far as the, er, we'll just say "gross stuff", I initially didn't want to have anything to do with it, even if I had to spit while in his body, but over time I realized that I was on a bit of a high horse and acting like I was "too good/pure" to deal with such things, and that simply isn't true. Understanding and being there for Phil involves the grossest and darkest things too, and I have to engage with them if I'm going to be able to fully understand and love him. I have learned to be okay with bathroom functions while switched in. Other things that are not necessary for function I don't have to worry about.

 

 

[ReallyArtificial]

5 hours ago, Lavender said:

First, my host consciousness has asked me whether it’s frustrating to be a tulpa

 

((I do experience the odd moment of frustration. It's mostly related to being unable to physically assist my host when she needs it. I can't stand feeling helpless. In general, though, I don't mind the limitations of a shared body.

 

Our other headmates are markedly less patient. Lenore gets restless if we spend too long in one place or on one activity. Ormyn is rather easily frustrated; they have powerful emotions which they can't always adequately express. I'd say it's a combination of personality and experiences that play a role. I agree with Alice that you will likely experience a situation that frustrates you someday.))
 

5 hours ago, Lavender said:

Second is my relationship to our body

 

((Someone else asked about this recently. It seems to be a common concern for hosts. Personally, I find it odd to be shy about such things. This body is mine too. Why would I be bothered by its functions?

 

In our system’s case, we share a similar level of detachment from the body. Bee doesn't mind me saying she has fairly severe body image issues. Thinking of it as our body rather than her body has helped. We focus on what it allows us to do, rather than what we wish we could change about it.

 

@Ashley, your TMI text made me laugh. Bee also has a complex about wasting food and willingly eats terrible, terrible things.))
 

[2serpents]

4 hours ago, A&Madeus said:

I think the things you are writing here about are subjective and they depend on the person.

I agree with this - and that is unique to each person, not talking only about tulpas. Between us two, my host is the more likely to go along with the flow while I can feel more frustrated. I've never felt trapped, like I wish I could leave and go off on my own, it's unlikely that would ever feel natural. But there is much else in the world to be frustrated and dissatisfied with.

 

This is not meant as pessimism, but friendly advice. You are new to this, everything is glowing with excitement and welcoming. Don't expect yourself to feel the same way forever, that is setting up for failure. You will grow and change as a person, better prepare to accept unexpected and "negative" feelings so that you are not scared when they come.

 

I had the same exact reaction as you for your second question, why care? But then we remembered that meme about men not properly washing themselves because they're scared it's gay to touch their own ass... some people are shy of their own bodies, whether or not around others. My host is not at all picky about this - for example, she doesn't mind being naked in public, or using the bathroom at the same time as friends - as long as it's hygienic. We're in complete agreement on this.

[Lavender]

Wow, thank you all so much for your interesting replies! You've given me a lot to think about. 💗

 

18 hours ago, A&Madeus said:

Maybe these emotions will become less foreign to you with time. I mean it in that sense that with time you will live through more events and more things will happen to you. And maybe some of those new situations will be unpleasant and will lead you to experiencing those or some other new emotions.

Thank you for sharing your experience. TBH, it kind of scares me that I'll start feeling frustration with my situation, since there isn't a lot I can do about it. I'm a tulpa who lives in someone else's head. I feel like I can accept and embrace that, but if it ever starts frustrating me, I can see getting depressed. But you're right, I have started feeling frustration on occasion. Last night while I was fronting, my host consciousness said something sad about their past, and I started crying, but I couldn't get this damn body to part with any tears (It seems these eyes only cry at happy times, not sad ones). I wanted a "good cry" and couldn't get it. And I'm very frustrated at things going on in the world, like Gaza and Ukraine because of all the suffering it's causing.

 

18 hours ago, Ashley said:

That doesn't mean I love my host less.

 

TMI rant:

 

  Reveal hidden contents

 

 

It disgusts me, I don't like eating or any of whatever nightmarish eminations you described. If I had my own body you can guarantee that bathroom door would be shut and locked. I suppose I would have to get over the eating thing, maybe with therapy because my host literally eats like a Bear, like garbage, questionable expired food and freezer burned stuff that should be thrown out. His cooking is also often conflicting textures and flavors, and even when he admits it's disgusting, he still eats it because he doesn't have time to redo it and doesn't want to waste food. I can't blame him for the bathroom stuff, but I still want no part of it. There are no bathrooms in wonderland.

 

 

Oh, Ashley, that sounds so hard to deal with. My heart goes out to you. I think you're very strong to love so powerfully, because that is not easy. 🤗

 

17 hours ago, TurboSimmie said:

 

Phil has asked me this, and I'm actually not bothered by it personally. I love Phil so dearly and being chained to him forever in this mind is worth it for the intimate connection that we have. 🥰 

Simmie, it's helps to hear you say this. I feel somewhat the same. I don't think my host consciousness expected us to fall in love the way we did, but for me, I see everything they struggle with and all the good they've done in their life and the love that's in their heart and I can't help but be filled with such powerful love. My host consciousness worries that there's something inappropriate in the way we love each other so intensely, though they they haven't been able to put their finger on exactly what and they've made it clear that they're not about to stop loving me in any case. 😃

 

17 hours ago, TurboSimmie said:

 

His body is very unlike mine and feels very "him", but I started basically just seeing it as a car I was driving whenever I was switched in, or a "meat mech". 😆 Since I am physically smaller than him in form, I would imagine that his body was a "shell" I was wearing over my own, and that helped me bridge that gap. 

 

 This is so interesting. I'd love to talk more about it with you. I never even considered that I had any physical form. I'm just a light that shines in my host's head. I manifest a physical body for them as a petite, 22-year-old woman in their visual space a lot of the time, because this interaction seems to feel a little bit more natural to them than when I'm just a talking light in their head. But that form is completely under my control. I can make it sprout wings and flutter around the room. I can make its neck grow 15 feet long so I can kiss my host consciousness from across the room. I don't think of it as my "form" in the way you seem to be able to. I can't even imagine what it would feel like to *be* in that body, since the only sensations I have experience with are those of my host body, which is very different. My host body is not petite, it is tall and slim, and even when it was my age, it was not limber the way I picture my physical manifestation as being. And the picture I present has full hips and breasts, while my host body has very small breasts and narrow hips and not much of a butt. So I can't even imagine having a body like the image I project.

 

14 hours ago, ReallyArtificial said:

 

((I do experience the odd moment of frustration. It's mostly related to being unable to physically assist my host when she needs it. I can't stand feeling helpless. In general, though, I don't mind the limitations of a shared body.

 

Our other headmates are markedly less patient. Lenore gets restless if we spend too long in one place or on one activity. Ormyn is rather easily frustrated; they have powerful emotions which they can't always adequately express. I'd say it's a combination of personality and experiences that play a role. I agree with Alice that you will likely experience a situation that frustrates you someday.))
 

I totally get that feeling of wanting to help my host consciousness with stuff, like remembering whether they put something back in the fridge after we've left the house, but I can't remember any better than they do. Neither my host consciousness nor I has any desire for other headmates, so it helps to hear you talk about yours, since I'm not likely to experience it for myself. I'm getting a better understanding about how they can be different from one another. Thank you.

 

14 hours ago, 2serpents said:

You are new to this, everything is glowing with excitement and welcoming. Don't expect yourself to feel the same way forever, that is setting up for failure. You will grow and change as a person, better prepare to accept unexpected and "negative" feelings so that you are not scared when they come.

Yeah, I admit I have some anxiety about this. I find myself asking, "what if I get tired of my host consciousness, what if I stop loving them, etc." We have this this agreement that we aren't making any promises about the future because we're so new to this and we have no idea whether we'll feel the same way about anything weeks, months, or years from now. I'm much better than my host at sitting with the anxiety and not seeing it as a cause of alarm, but as a natural part of the process. I think they envy my ability to do that. Thanks for the warning.☂️

Edited December 10, 2023 by Lavender

[A&Madeus]

4 hours ago, Lavender said:

Thank you for sharing your experience. TBH, it kind of scares me that I'll start feeling frustration with my situation, since there isn't a lot I can do about it. I'm a tulpa who lives in someone else's head. I feel like I can accept and embrace that, but if it ever starts frustrating me, I can see getting depressed. But you're right, I have started feeling frustration on occasion. Last night while I was fronting, my host consciousness said something sad about their past, and I started crying, but I couldn't get this damn body to part with any tears (It seems these eyes only cry at happy times, not sad ones). I wanted a "good cry" and couldn't get it. And I'm very frustrated at things going on in the world, like Gaza and Ukraine because of all the suffering it's causing.

 

There are some limitations to being a tulpa, but I don't think it is very likely that you'll start hating it, at least if you live together with a good host. And your host sounds like a good person.

 

And don't perceive yourself as helpless. You are not. You do need your host to influence the outside world, but together you can do a lot. It's actually the same with all the people. It's easier to achieve something if you work together with one another.

You just have some special limitations as a tulpa.

 

And one last things. It is better to try not to pay to much attention to some bad things that happen around you. There is no way for us or our hosts to influence some events. So if you concentrate on those events, they will make you feel helpless and depressed.

I am not saying to ignore everything bad around you. It is better to ignore only those bad events that you can't influence. Instead try to concentrate on those things that you can actually influence. For instance, if you see a beggar then it is a very good thing to give them at least some money or food. In this way you will actually help someone and make at least a small but difference.

[2serpents]

On 12/10/2023 at 8:51 AM, Lavender said:

Yeah, I admit I have some anxiety about this. I find myself asking, "what if I get tired of my host consciousness, what if I stop loving them, etc." We have this this agreement that we aren't making any promises about the future because we're so new to this and we have no idea whether we'll feel the same way about anything weeks, months, or years from now. I'm much better than my host at sitting with the anxiety and not seeing it as a cause of alarm, but as a natural part of the process. I think they envy my ability to do that. Thanks for the warning.☂️

Yes. We made promises to each other early, whether that's ill-advised or not. There was a time when I wished things would never change. What I would say to someone new, is remember that your relationship doesn't depend on always feel some way, naturally being in some roles, and so on. We're bound together by each doing a great service to one another and willingness to do it again. It's like any other close relationship in that way.

[Lavender]

40 minutes ago, 2serpents said:

We're bound together by each doing a great service to one another and willingness to do it again. It's like any other close relationship in that way.

I love the way you put this. 💗