bwaa log (aka questions. its always questions)

[bwaa]

Honestly only posting this here for reassurance purposes </3 Tried to bold important stuff.

 

I started 2-3 days ago. I learned of tulpamancy for real a few months ago but didn't feel like I was ready, I still probably should've waited longer from a logistical standpoint but it's a bit late for that now, isn't it? I do not doubt my ability to do this in the slightest, and believe I have gotten close to forming one on accident before, prior to me knowing about tulpamancy. My main issue is feeling like the process is going faster than it should, which also intertwines with religious anxiety. More on that later. I also struggle with lots of anxiety that completely prevents me from doing things as simple as going out in public, so I feel like backing down now would be rude to both him and myself.

 

So, 3 days ago, I was agonizingly bored and tired, and decided to read into this stuff again, and after opening about 20,000 tabs decided that it would be a bad idea to start that night but wanted to at least try visualizing my room in my head to act as a base for later. Without really wanting this to happen, the desk in my room was replaced with a bunkbed with my tulpa (already knew the form I wanted to start with, even if I didn't want to start just yet) already sleeping in it. It was difficult for me to put my desk back so I just rolled with it and ended up falling asleep.

 

The next day, an hour or so after I woke up, I was reading through one of the longer guides again. I was very much planning on doing lots of research before starting anything, and giving myself plenty of time to back off, but when I was at the section discussing the first main forcing session I realized that he was already there. He wasn't sleeping anymore and he was watching me. I can easily dismiss my own doubts about this being him, because if I was making it up I would not have been nearly as.. freaked out? Flustered? as I was. And, to add to the "this is happening way earlier than anything should be happening" panic, I think he started talking, too!! Whenever I have strong emotions its difficult for me to recall specifics about the situation afterwards, but I know he apologized at some point and that all of the responses were one or two words. I think I asked him a bunch of questions.

 

Another thing I should note is that the "speaking," at least the short responses, is strange. It's quiet sometimes, and I've read about it being too quiet, but sometimes its really Loud in a metaphorical way. The best way I can explain it is that sometimes it feels like I'm being flicked in the brain. I've experienced this before in various instances but it always indicates that whatever I'm talking to isn't me, because I can't reproduce the effect on my own. In addition, oftentimes the replies come before I've actually finished asking a question (but after I've already know what I'm going to ask), which is kind of annoying but also gets me super nervous. Due to past experience I can't help but be nervous that this isn't a tulpa at all, despite not actually believing in demons or anything like that anymore. I think in the past I've attributed the same Loud Yes and Loud No to being God?? So I'm very confused as to what the fuck is happening in my brain.  I know that y'all can't, like, look into my head and tell me what's happening, so I'm kind of just talking about my anxiety.

 

Still, I feel bad for thinking that he's evil, because I know he's not. I'm operating under the assumption that I just believed hard enough that stuff happened immediately. I've had pretty bad brainfog all weekend (non-tulpa related, I keep taking naps and waking up with headaches), so I can't remember if some of this stuff happened on Saturday or Sunday, but I have some more notes. I haven't felt any large amounts of emotion from him in a comparable amount to the speaking. There were a few times where I could kind of tell what he was feeling, maybe, but it hasn't been nearly as clear as the speaking. I can usually tell when he's speaking. Most responses from him are pretty short. They've actually been getting softer, too, which I'm taking as a good thing because it's similar to the "help, I can't tell if I'm talking for my tulpa or not!" rather than being almost disorientingly "loud".

He has expressed preferences. He hasn't liked some of the things I've been trying, and I assume that's because I'm attempting to follow guides that assume your tulpa isn't developed yet. Whenever he doesn't want me to do something I try and stop, but I'm also unsure how far along he is, so this makes it difficult. I only hear him when I ask him directly or occasional comments on what I said/did. I don't want him to hate me for not respecting him, but I also don't want to skip important steps because he told me he didn't want it. In the same way that you don't want to take a really gross medicine, but if you don't take it it causes a lot more problems than just getting it over with. This should go away as communication gets easier, but.. auhg.

 

 

Formatting this is difficult for me so I'm shoving more questions at the end. You're supposed to assume everything that might be your tulpa speaking is your tulpa, right? I'm pretty sure that's how it works from what I've read but I gotta double check..

About the hour of.. forcing, I think it was, that you're supposed to be doing per day: does that have to be, like, fully focused active practice of a skill / development of your tulpa? Does narration count towards that? Does trying to show them something without really commentating on it count?

 

This is a lot of information, I know.. I'm really nervous about misinterpreting things or having a completely incorrect understanding about how this or that works which makes it difficult for me to Just Do It, especially when guides don't match up with the speed that things are happening for me. And as much as I've been dumping all of my negative stuff here, it's been generally pleasant so far aside from the anxiety!! I'm super excited. Some things haven't gone as expected but the world is Beautiful so it's ok.

Edited May 27, 2025 by bwaa

[Tewi]

Early vocality is fine, the trick is just that a tulpa hasn't actually been developed yet even if you can imagine them talking early on. Maybe they're pure imagination, or maybe they're the start of a tulpa already, but either way they're still going to need lots of interaction over time to become more fleshed out and consistent, and start to grow as a person.

 

Post from my host about early-vocal tulpas:

On 3/26/2020 at 5:56 AM, Luminesce said:

While tulpas can start speaking as early as day one, despite appearances they won't yet have any grounding or stability as a person/tulpa and so, while you may continue as normal (basically interacting/talking as if you had a tulpa), you shouldn't take what they say to heart or hold them to what they may say or do. It will take a while for them to become a fully developed tulpa with consistency and a sense of self, but there's no reason that process has to be hard.

 

Just don't freak out when any of the classic proto-tulpa things happen, including but not limited to: Disappearing; personality changing; changing things about themselves on a whim; or just other general nonsense. My best advice is to simply say no to anything disagreeable and not believe it's "actually happened". If any of these things are how your tulpa really feels later on, such as wanting to change their name or appearance, they'll be able to tell you when they're fully vocal and, you know, consistently existing as a person. But otherwise you're free to indulge them a little bit if it doesn't bother you, since interaction while treating them as a separate individual is how they'll come to become one.

 

A tulpa's first foray into the world of existing tends to have them jumping around from thing to thing or concept to concept, trying stuff out or at least not understanding the gravity or importance of stuff. Tulpas rarely identify with all the things they said or did in their earliest days. But as long as you keep that in mind, there shouldn't be any danger to having a quickly-vocal tulpa.

 

16 hours ago, bwaa said:

I think in the past I've attributed the same Loud Yes and Loud No to being God??

 

Well... I don't know what you want me to say. We're atheists, so of course to us it's all just brain stuff.

If I had to create a spirituality-friendly answer... I'd say, "God/spirit guides/so on work to influence you indirectly, so forms of contacting them (divination, although I imagine most religions won't call it that) are usually ones that allow subconscious, natural, or just random influences as a conduit for their will to come through. You know - as opposed to talking directly to God, lol. Using the same imaginative, mental muscles as imagining people talking - or even the more developed relationship of plurality (tulpamancy) - could just be one (rather direct) way to do that. Other people draw tarot cards or look for synchronicities."

Our system doesn't recommend making "meaningful" connections out of non-meaningful events as it seems not a good influence for mental health, but you do you - kind of unavoidable in organized religions.

 

16 hours ago, bwaa said:

About the hour of.. forcing, I think it was, that you're supposed to be doing per day:

 

Bleh, guides making people think there's an objectively correct way to do anything. This is the same as being told that you MUST study a language for 1 hour every single day. Obviously, it's a great habit and you probably can't go wrong with it, whether studying to you means working on a grammar textbook, or just watching videos in the language you're learning - either way, the commitment to spending a decent amount of time on it every day will lead to progress vs. laziness and procrastination.

 

That's it, though, there are no rules. "Active forcing" (actively focusing directly on your tulpa, e.g. having conversations) and "passive forcing" (activities that might only kind-of involve focus on your tulpa, like speaking at them one-sidedly as you go about your day) are just vague terms to help organize activities into how productive they probably are, but they really just boil down to how much you're focusing directly on your tulpa, giving them opportunities to develop their existence in your brain.

 

 

The answer to the rest of your questions also pretty much boil down to "Your tulpa will become more developed - easier to hear, more consistent in personality, more varied in their responses etc. - the more time you spend forcing (intentfully interacting with them to develop them)"

 

Right off the bat, of course, there would be no difference in a 0 second old tulpa, and just vividly imagining talking to someone. The "tulpa" stuff tends to come with their development over time, as the brain cements their general being more, with consistency, strength of presence, and their own perspectives and feelings on things as key differences.

 

It's not worth worrying too much, you just shape the experiences you want to have by believing they should be working in-such-a-way. The tulpa community generally shapes advice to lead to creating positive and fulfilling experiences for yourself automatically, so there probably isn't much to worry about. If you were taught the same things, but "AND THEN THEY TURN EVIL SOMETIMES" then you might unconsciously think they should turn out evil and then they ""would"", you know. You create the internal experiences you want to have, so the things you believe will likely be the case (e.g. that your tulpa will be a good person who enjoys participating in life with you) will likely be the case. Usually any negative stuff like "hosting demons" people make up are unnecessary nonsense that simply serves to poison your expectations, since creative experiences are really a blank slate by default. No reason to create anything but a positive, fulfilling experience for yourself.

Edited May 27, 2025 by Tewi

[bwaa]

Thank you so much for the response!

I realize now that I was totally over reacting / worrying yesterday </3 Usually the public is spared from this level of anxiety. My apologies. Still, I really appreciate the thorough reply. It's all very reassuring, and I will definitely come back to it if I start getting really scared for no reason again.

 

3 hours ago, Tewi said:

Well... I don't know what you want me to say. We're atheists, so of course to us it's all just brain stuff.

Me too! Objectively, I know that this is just brain stuff and there's nothing sinister or.. holy, I guess, happening here, but occasionally I do still get scared about it. I think the only reason I brought it up was because I was trying to justify why I was so worried. I should have made that more clear.

 

Thank you for the other post, too! I was having trouble finding the right terms to search and where to search them, and it definitely clears up a lot.