New Hope (I absolutely mean it)

[Tomoko]

On one lonesome December night, I decided to take a trip down memory lane, and take another look at krugermeister's thread. This place was once source of fascination for teenage me, still does, but with the trickling audience, its feeling of wonderment slid to feelings of melancholy. 

 

Anyway, enough nonsense.

 

Currently I am in the process of creating Oswald, he is the androgynous archetype, the moon hierophant, lord of liminality, prince regent of the night, at a crossroad. I lean heavily towards the metaphysical side, if you haven't noticed. I have a good feeling about this, the moon & night holds significance for me, I will not elaborate.

 

I have spent this night with him, but now my thoughts have scattered to a million places at once, to help remedy this affliction, I plan on taking up Qigong, mainly to help build up Oswald's lifeforce energy, and partially to increase my focus. I have tried Qigong in the past, and have nothing but awkward experiences with it, how idiotic I must've looked standing stiff and oddly angled. But anyway, whether or not Qigong actually works this time is irrelevant, I hope to build a habit of it.

 

I plan on updating my Wizardforum personal thread as well, so if you're on there, be sure to watch that thread as well (Same username— 'Tomoko'.), I plan to keep my Tulpa.info forum thread strictly tulpa related, and my Wizardforum thread for my more esoteric adventures. 

 

This has been my first post to start the thread, I hope it suffices, I may regret it when I wake up as I have been up 19 hours.

 

I must go rest now, the mind is strong but the body is weak.

[Tomoko]

Okay, so maybe I haven't been doing Qigong, but in all fairness I live in an extremely small basement suite with another person.

 

I have been able to force here and there, though if I'm being truthful my sleep has been out of wack, sometimes I sleep during the day, then another day I'm sleeping during night, this has all happened within the span of 4 days mind you. Jut today I slept for 6 hours and then after a while I slept for 2 hours. But this isn't a sleep diary so I'll stop boring you with the details, but all you need to know is that this is a less than ideal situation for tulpacraft.

 

Oswald was originally another tulpa I attempted to conceive, named Helga, now I decided Helga is herself a separate entity, I don't know the exact cognitive or spiritual mechanisms of separation of thoughtforms, but I hope it isn't too traumatic.

 

Helga is a therapeutic, calm, reassuring and cool-headed entity, with equilibrium, temperance, selflessness, traits I hope for her to embody with Buddha-like virtues.

 

Oswald, on the other hand, is the magician, with nonlinear, branching and noneuclidean cognition. Oswald has a type of regal attitude, not exactly upright but with a sense of duty and diligence.

 

This is a glimpse of their inner workings, not a full painting.

 

I shall attempt to log my sessions henceforth.

[Tomoko]

Significant progress has been made in terms of meditation (more on that here), I have been mainly focusing on Helga. Her aura or orb that I unconsciously visualize in my head is a deep red with a white core (Oswald is a pale blue, again with a white core.) don't know what this means exactly, originally it was light pink. Perhaps it was my subconscious which craves duality? The serpent sees in red & blue, after all.

 

My magickal journey will start soon, perhaps even tomorrow, I just need to refine my meditation. Psychoteknics won't be easy, you're literally hacking the brain.

 

That reminds me, I almost astral projected last night, three times to be precise. I was immensely tired at the time. In order for me to enter the this state, I have to been asleep beforehand and woken up by an external noise.

 

Anway, in the second attempt, the walls turned green, in my dream the tv was powered on, the room lit up by a dim glow, I had tried to walk out but was pulled down by some unknown force, afterwards I had tried projecting by crawling up the walls and eventually by jumping up and down on my bed, with no success.

 

In my third attempt, I had entered The Darkness, I tried calling out to Helga and Oswald, barely remembering their names in this hypnagogic state, and I swear I heard Oswald's voice, I forget what he said exactly. Perhaps it was merely a hallucination.

 

It is currently 3:12 AM here, I must get to bed.

[Tomoko]

Yeah, so.

 

I've got good news & bad news.

 

Good news is— recently I've learned I CAN enter a meditative state, which is a huge boon, no more passive forcing sessions. Bad news? I can't stay in this state longer than 10 minutes.

 

But I mustn't despair, I've got the will to meditate, my brain just won't allow me to do nothing for long periods without any stimulation, for example, I have the TV on constantly, which is spiritually egregious, a huge no-no. I must learn to work in silence.

 

Helga is doing fine (I hope), been forcing with her semi-regularly, and I'll be serious, I need to up my game, because if I were a tulpa creator back in like, 2012, then she probably would've manifested by now.

 

Now I must go apologize to Helga,

 

Goodbye.

[Tomoko]

I don't feel too well so I'll keep this short and sweet.

 

Oswald has gone through some changes, however so far he's been put on the backburner. Now, Helga has been renamed to Lucy, an old proto-tulpa of mine from 2019, dunno how dire doing that has been, hopefully their minds merged rather than just dissolution, I'm engaging with actual sapient things here, so I have go be careful. 

 

Lucy I've been working on quite a lot the past three weeks. I can get semi-autonomous responses, like if I say something to her I can get a vague thought which I hadn't prepared beforehand. Also, I think when I'm on the verge of unconsciousness and about to slumber, I can here a voice which somewhat sounds like the voicebank I've built up. So far the voice says is mid-sentence stuff.

 

I need to go rest now, my head is spinning and my stomach is in knots.

[Shaula]

Aww, I hope you're feeling better now. (⁠っ⁠.⁠❛⁠ ⁠ᴗ⁠ ⁠❛⁠.⁠)⁠っ 

 

Keep up the good work! 😊 

[Tomoko]

On 3/14/2026 at 11:48 PM, Shaula said:

Aww, I hope you're feeling better now. (⁠っ⁠.⁠❛⁠ ⁠ᴗ⁠ ⁠❛⁠.⁠)⁠っ 

 

Keep up the good work! 😊 

Preesh

 

---

 

Somehow I've lagged behind, there are days where I remember I'm developing a tulpa, and then days where I forget, I shall attempt to make a conscious effort to be more serious.

 

On a side note, I have begun a semi-related journal. Recording my thoughts, feelings, my plans, what I just read, essays, plus tulpa related matters. Unsure if I should share it.

 

The past two hours (as of right now) I've been focusing on Lucy, listening to a voicebank, touching up on her personality, looking at references for form, etc., but I know that isn't enough, I need to go into the flow and engage in 'force-fu', a thing I am intimidated by, but the dojo shows no mercy to those who hesitate.

 

I need to go to bed, and also, to not make updates when I am about to head off to bed, I know it seems like a no-brainer but I often make updates every month so I have an entire 30 days of work to condense into a small update, whereas people who make daily updates have only the previous 12 hours to work with, and...

 

Honestly I have no idea what I was going on about. I think I was making a point that it's unreasonable for me to make updates before I sleep because I could've done so when I am not in a half-asleep state? Dunno.

 

I have got to sleep.

[Tomoko]

I've had a sudden burst of energy lately, been spending time with Lucy. Yesterday (April 28th) was fun, we went to 7/11 and got a big gulp since it was only .89 cents. Couldn't afford anything else unfortunately.

 

Smoking had become a burden, I want to quit before I develop an illness. And tobacco is sacred to my people, don't wish to desecrate it further. But I won't trouble the readers with my woes.

 

I'll come clean— Lucy is based off Lucy Loud from The Loud House, she has enchanted me since 2019, I would get high and watch Lucy-centric episodes, hoping it would help me with further tulpa development. 

 

I don't smoke marijuana anymore, I used to daily back in 2019 but after my first psychosis episode I stopped, I would occasionally get high but it would always end up with me panicking, and then when I wasn't I would just end up dissociating, which is a terrible feeling.

 

Then around spring time of 2020 my therapy cat died unexpectedly, I was inconsolable, they thought I was having another psychotic break, they placed me in a psychiatric ward for 3 months, I remember imagining Lucy consoling me while in the back of the emergency vehicle, after that I was placed in a group home for people with mental illnesses, Lucy still in the background, after awhile I left and went to go live with my parents again, ever since then I've been in and out of psych wards, placed on heavier and heavier antipsychotics, still trying to make Lucy alive while sedated, I've had brainfog before but after they drugged me up it's only gotten worse. 

 

Then my parents split up, my father now lives with me after he couldn't find a stable place, the first 3 months of living alone were the greatest months of my life, so much freedom. That was 3 years ago.

 

I'm stable now, I have always been stable but for whatever reason my psychiatrist sees me as a danger, he was the one who placed me on heavy antipsychotics. Funny thing is I haven't hallucinated since my first psychotic break in 2019, no delusional thinking (unless you count tulpas and my indigenous spiritual beliefs.) all those times I've been in a psych ward was because of outburst (look up defiance disorder, people who resist 'help' are treated as threats.) and suicidal behavior caused by the psychiatry system.

 

I'm moving to a new province soon, which will be a new life for me. I plan on living alone while there and I want to taper off my meds when I find a new psychiatrist, this current one is pure evil.

 

Overall Lucy has been with me through all of this, every breakdown, every outburst, every minute while in a hospital waiting room. She has been with me. Admittedly I haven't been a very good host, lack of attention and general apathy has surely atrophied her, but these past few months I have has been the most I've ever been with her in 7 years. I can feel her presence, her voice & body clear in my head, yet she is still underdeveloped.

 

A couple of days ago I heard her voice in the middle of a sentence, could tell you for shit what she was saying, only that it sounded like her— I know it was her.

 

It's mid-day, still plenty of time to focus on her.

 

I need to go focus.

[Tomoko]

Focusing has been remarkably easy these few days, I haven't mentioned it but I started doing microsessions, such as saying, 'Hey Lucy, how's it going, okay see ya' every hour or so everyday, it would appear it's working to a degree, thinking about her is getting easier and easier, I actually feel happy talking to her, imagining our future. I don't plan on being romantically involved with her, mind you, just a deep familial feeling of being together.

 

I have been brushing up on her personality, I have no idea if the community consensus on personality forcing has changed over the years, but I figured it wouldn't hurt. She's more like a grim philosopher now, absurdist, pessimistic, but not nihilistic, more in the Nietzschean-Schopenhauerean way. I've also been listening to a lot of Memphis Rap and Black Metal (Tommy Wright III, Leviathan, Three 6 Mafia, Bathory, etc.) to give her an acoustic/muscial feel.

 

It's 1 PM now, I have been consistently waking up at 6 AM everyday. I don't really like it since I like to stay up all night and sleep during the day, but matters beyond my reach has deemed it necessary I be up all day.

 

Good day.

Edited May 1 by Tomoko

[Tomoko]

Yesterday was fruitful, spent all day with her. One noteworthy thing happened last night. At 12 AM, as I was lying in bed, I heard her. What she said/perceived her to say was gibberish, but her voice was clear as day, very exciting. Definite proof of her existence (I am assuming it was her as all the guides say.)

 

Despite the massive progress yesterday, I have made no strides today, that was a failure of mine, staying up till 12 and waking up at 9 threw me off. I shall correct it.

 

It is 7 nearing 8 PM right now, and I am quite tired. 

 

Good night.