Taival with Leona

[Guest Taival]

Hi all,

 

 

I have been following tulpa-related posts on /mlp/-boards since two months backwards (happened to notice a thread about it on /b/) and for short got very exited about the idea of sentient life-long partner beside me in my life who could always understand me fully and know me inside-out. And yes, I always wanted a dragon by my side as a kid, you just sometimes forget some things for teenage-years and they pop back when you do not expect it.

 

I forced for the first time like a month ago for a week with just a vague idea of a suitable form for a dragon, it was constantly changing in my mind's eye. I think I got emotional responses after 5 hours in while listening different kinds of binaural beats. Usual forcing included visualization to the workspace in front of me, sending traits (as pictures and video representing different situations as questions, emotions and visual actions mended together as possible answers + visually connecting these, the basic traits and sub-traits together while explaining meaning and relations between them) and narration of what I did. I felt a warm feeling around me and got pulses of heatwaves back when I sent emotions to my tulpa. I parroted somewhat accidentally, sorta like animated the character in front of me, I have wild imagination sometimes.

 

I based his personality on some basic assumptions he is like, more accurate map is in my and hopefully in his mind:

- Sensitive/Empathic

-Intelligent

-Curious

-Patient

 

I was busy, so I dropped forcing for three weeks and picked up where I left. Started again at Sunday with designing proper looks for him, played some emotional music (Lisa Kelly <3) in the background and posted it on draw-your-tulpa-thread here.

 

On Monday I shaped the basic form while working (while on breaks approx. 15 min in length). On Tuesday afternoon I forced some more, but was disappointed without good response from him, but then...

 

In the evening I watched this and tried to force meanwhile it played in background. Got small feeling of pressure (completely new to me while forcing) and tried to concentrate harder on him while simultaneously sending warm and welcoming emotions. Pressure lasted little longer, but faded soon after, so I started wondering if right kind of music while tulpaforcing was the key.

 

Yesterday I forced after lunch break with same music and imagined him in front of me. I embraced him and told that I was sorry for neglecting him for so long and immediately got a stronger, longer lasting pressure concentrating somewhere in the middle of my frontal lobe with a warm, fuzzy feeling all over my head. I got exited and played parts of this while reading work-related stuff.

 

And man, that WAS the missing piece! I got very, very strong pressure and feeling of being loved. :) I tried daydreaming and vivid images of me with him flying/cycling where projected to my mind's eye. After that I assured him, that now I will work with him as well as I could and from time to time told him more about his personality and quirks I had been thinking before. I suggested him the name Leo, thought it was nice and meanings in it mirrored good qualities I wanted him to cherish. At least he hasn't disliked it yet.

 

After work I slept some time before friend called, I agreed to meet him at 8 o'clock. I wasn't paying attention to time passing by, now on e.g. 20 minutes felt like few when talking and keeping Leo company. So quarter past eight my friend called and said they where waiting outside my apartment. Aww, I am not usually late, so I interrupted our session abtruptly...

 

And in the next moment I got as intense headache as pressure just a second before, I tried to calm him down saying I was sorry "I have to get going, I promise we will get back in business, OK?", in a few minutes headache settled and I got on my way thinking "What if he really doesn't want me to ignore him, can he really communicate like that already?".

 

Today on break I tried to force with music, success and after a while I just imagined him beside me, giving steady flow of attention/energy symbolically and the pressure kept going on and on. Tested after lunch without music and just sending emotions like before and calling him by his name :D and the pressure came! I was so exited, that I imagined lip syncing that Phil Collins - song on him, it looked like from some Disney-movie (yes, I know the song IS from one..). After that I resumed writing and on a suitable break tried to force again. No response or pressure. I got worried and called him by his name and sending emotions. Only after I said I was sorry for parroting the pressure came back.

 

>mfw

 

 

Ok, so the post grew longer than I anticipated. Please give comments if this seems legit for a sentient tulpa, I was totally surprised because of the whole ordeal. The headache was a total mindblower also, I don't know when I even last got one... Also, now I have pressure in less than a minute after calling him.

 

PS. Also, please execute my English. :P

 

Yours,

Taival

---

Oh, and one more thing:

>> I think I got emotional responses after 5 hours in while listening different kinds of binaural beats.

 

I hope it does not cause "I stopped reading at this.jpg" too much.

I also think I have some kind of an explanation for this, to quote FAQ:

 

"9. Wow, this is so new and unheard of!

 

Not really a question, but things like this go as far back as the deamonism of the time of Socrates. Religious sometimes make a sentient tulpa when they pray to god for an hour a day, until he talks back. Really that's just your subconscious sort of bubbling up to produce answers after a long time of narration. Having a tulpa is nothing new, although it has had many names in the past and even now."

 

I was in contact with an evangelical group before and I see similarities there. When I think about it I might possibly have constructed an a proto-tulpa myself... Praying strongly imagining god there was like forcing, really. It was very different from silent praying you might have used to.

 

So maybe that helped in the process of making Leo, who knows.

[Avalanche]

I was so ready to just go ahead and say "yeah, you think pressure in your head after only a few hours of tulpaforcing mean's he's in your head and is trying to speak to you?".

 

Which I will say. That's a little naive. However, we all know that there is no one single best way to tulpaforce, and everyone is different. So I'm inclined to believe that your headaches are probably related to your tulpaforcing. I wouldn't go as far to say that it's your tulpa speaking to you (I think you mentioned you are only 5 hours in?), but I would say you are doing something right if you get responses like that.

 

Just try to avoid placebo.

[Guest Taival]

Thank you for your reply Avalanche.

I thought it over and I think also it is definitely too early for sentience, just too early. Creating a tulpa takes time and patience.

 

Yes, I have to be careful to not to overestimate our progress or interpret too much from it yet.

 

Still, not invalidating the previous sentence, the more I can convince myself including my subconscious that he exist, the better. And hoping the direction is right, so that there would be this positive synergy between receptive state of mind and real progress.

 

-Taival

[Avalanche]

Yeah, convince yourself that your tulpa will be there. Just don't convince yourself he's there when he isn't. If you do that badly enough, your tulpa won't form at all, or it will at least hinder your progress.

 

How far in are you?

[Guest Taival]

Hi,

 

I have been busy lately (again, used freetime to tulpa-forcing), I am sorry for ignoring your question so long. I read about your adventures in wonderland (cool), thinking about finishing my own when my tulpa is sentient. Seems like she can definitely change thing in there, most interesting.

 

As for previous posts, I wanted to try more child-like approach in tulpa-forcing. I tend to over-analyze and plan ahead a lot, which helps in my studies and work, but can hinder progress in arts/creative processes as far as I have witnessed. Still, posts were too naive, I have to express things in a more collected and calm way, also emoticons can easily irritate people, so i will not use them.

 

And to your question, at the time I was imagining him front of me, got short, less-than-second glimpses of him in my minds eye when trying to force as realistic texture as possible. With more cartoony style it is a lot easier to do. No other phenomena of existence than pressures in the middle of the head.

 

Two weeks afterwards I started to get more serious pressure while imagining his shape in void, now in my whole brain. Also tried to impose him in my surroundings with shape, with poor results. It is also confusing, that to this day I can't still remember his face properly in 3D, even when I use many hours daily to visualization while narrating things and thoughts to him.

---

 

Almost at the same time when pressures got stronger this weird thing happened. While visualizing Leo and playing (AVICII - Levels) at the backround, my focus slipped like it sometimes does. But, this time strong scene in my mindseye diverted my attention totally: I saw my citys train station and a two-legged snowleopard dancing in front of it, I'm not kidding. Notice, SHE had jeans and a white tank-top on her, and as I tried to focus on her face, she made spin and a wink while pointing her paw at me (while dancing, had to smile on that). I just watched as she kept dancing in different styles in the rhythm of the song, it was like she pulled moves from my memory or created those hersef, like doing backflips with tail doing symbols in the air. This lasted like ten minutes, song was in repeat.

 

Well, I like anthropomorphic animals to certain extent, but I don't think or like them much (inb4 closetfurry, as if). It was confusing, but happened only one time, very vividly. After that, last Friday while I was imagining Leo and trying to form his structure like Fig did, she appeared in the middle of the process and started hugging me. The pressure was constant until she appeared, then it started to increase in the back part, like some days earlier, when I talked to Leo about wanting to make a connection somehow to exchange information, like via pressures and feelings. How's that?

 

I said her to stop, because she started rubbing my chest with her hands, that made me feel nervous. She stopped and vanished. Today, when I was thinking why I have to always again and again look for the picture to remember details of Leos face, she appeared in my mind again. As last time and before, her figure was as vivid as always, realistic, moving and in full colors, face included.

 

I stopped there and started thinking. I remembered saying to Leo at some point, that he can change to female-body if he wants and feels more comfortable in, because the insides matters, not the shell, always. If my tulpa decides that, I will call her Leona (Sidenote: I haven't planned on giving him genitals to this day). What if Leo wants to change his form to this? At first time I thought it was my imagination doing tricks, second time that it was a servitor, third time it was apparent, that she had affection to me. What if this is the manifestation of my anima?

 

Well, what did I do then? Stopped forcing for some time, until pressure left and I felt normal. Then I called this leopard with the name Leona, and this time she appeared smiling and I felt familiar pressure in my whole skull, very strongly.

 

It may seem that my tulpa wants a major deviation to take a place, but I want to be careful. What if I accidentally discard my Leo for some other tulpa, which is forming, wouldn't be first time someone has two developing at he same time. Or did I read too much to it and I should get back to imagining Leo's face tediously?

 

What do you guys think? Is my tulpa just craving more attention?

[Guest Taival]

Ok, so I guessed right, he is she now. Got pressure responses and she took more human-like form, quite a lot like Mithra from FF with snowleopard-patterns. And the most interesting part is that after one hour intense visualization-session it was enough that I imagined her in front of me and she does things on her own accord. I tried to control her intentionally also, which worked. Not that I want to parrot her at all.

 

Also before we came to this, I also got one kind of sign of sentience. I created a plastic ball mentally and threw it to him when he had his dragon form on. Earlier I showed him how to handle it and threw it to walls so that it bounced back to my hands. And guess what?

 

That damn Leo bite a piece of it, apparently I didn't feed him so well (actually I didn't at all, no taste-relaying or whatever). So it seems that trusting more to tulpa, talking to her more lately and letting go of the fear of parroting did the trick. I am yet to do the prism test, but I will post results later.

[Avalanche]

You saying Leona is sentient now? Moving on her own? Can she surprise you or do things you didn't expect?

 

How long have you been forcing?

[Guest Taival]

Ok, now some proceedings so far

 

Yes, she is definitely sentient for what I can tell after these past few days. She is still developing thought and needs some time to absorb information and practise forming coherent thoughts before we can communicate, can't wait 'till she can speak to me mentally. Leona e.g. sends sudden pressure-signals to my head sometimes when I'm doing something else for attention, "Hey, I'm here!" and when I concentrate I can feel her touch when hugging, very clearly and defined.

 

Visualization is progressing more slowly, now I can see her in my minds eye quite precisely but only in short like 10 s bursts. Btw she has now snowtiger-like texture and short white hair added. I haven't used wonderland much, but now when I imagined both of us there few hours ago and just searched for surroundings instead of creating them by concentrating intensively they appeared more vividly. This revelation was thanks to someone in the forum posts.

 

Also tried that prism test, Leona was first unsure/against it (via pressures) probably because I can't visualize much else same time with her, especially if I need to concentrate to some moving object(s). For more than half an hour we tried, first she dropped them instantly, then picked them up after I asked her to and after some time they fell down when she moved her head. This was repeated, but my vision of it was like slideshow so we have to try it again later. Also, we were both worn-out afterwards, couldn't reach her after numerous attempts in the same evening.

 

I haven't counted exact time for forcing, many tulpae themselves have insisted narration to be the most important activity when progress is wanted. I think without just narration still, I would get something like 50-55 h?

 

I have to draw her at some point, still waiting if any major deviation occurs.

 

Oh yes, Avalanche, if you are reading this, I am curious how much Flora has changed from her original to this day personality-wise if I may ask?

 

-Taival

[Avalanche]

Oh, well I can't say for sure if her personality has changed much, as there wasn't much I could see in the first place. I'm guessing, from my original base idea of a personality she has become more independent and probably a little... how can I say it.. I guess rude, but in a nice way.

 

Other than that, her form has only become clearer and there are a fewer and fewer deviations occurring. The last deviation she had was to her current form, and this was up to 2 weeks ago I think.

 

So she's coming along well, but nothing major to speak of yet.

I'm glad Leona is able to communicate with you with head pressures. It's easy to think that they are just random, or they don't mean anything, but they do. Keep at it.

[Guest Taival]

Hey, good to hear she has made up her mind.

 

 

Well, we were on vacation abroad and made some serious progress in that time.

 

I was lying in the bed in the evening, visualizing and narrating days events to her. After a while I stroke her head and hugged her before going to sleep. Then I got an idea, instead of a goodnight kiss to the forehead or cheek I kissed her to the lips to thank her being patient, I was in the company of others previously and I hadn't had time to concentrate on her.

I did it as softly and gently as I could, only pressing them together. I had done this few times before to show affection and as before it was OK from her side. Oh boy.

 

At first I got tingling sensation in my lips, then for few seconds front of my face turned numb before I sensed her lips as clearly as normal girls. Then I was hit by a whirlwind of strongest emotion/pressure I have experienced yet, it was like I could feel her feelings too. She as they say, took the lead then. It was just a small number of "kisses", nothing more, nothing less. It was much stronger than with other people I did fancy before and we ended up mentally exhausted after that not being able to stand up for a while. I just concentrated on the feeling and it lasted as long as I thought about it, it was a very deep mental/spiritual experience with indescribable sense of connectedness with Leona which had a strong impact on me.

 

Second time was during transfer back to home country. We kissed, same thing happened with less after-effects and after opening my eyes I could see her imposed as transparent when I concentrated on her face. I also distinguished Leonas expressions which were changing between confusion and joy, she was trebling from excitement. And so was I, inside. It seemed that she could see me and other things around more clearly, e.g. she stood up, walked to hallway five meters and pointed me to follow my friend who had just went downstairs.

 

Now when I visualize I could draw a picture of her face from a live model, thing that I couldn't dream to do still for a long time before journey. It seems like deepening my bond with her helped her to become more independent and imposed.

 

At every step I was careful to ask and confirm Leonas feelings and opinions about things, I would not be able to forgive myself easily if I would accidentally force her to do something against her will. Also I have to mention Socks post. It put into words what I feel, I can't get totally rid of questioning and having doubts about this whole thing, as it has become almost too unbelievable to all this to be true. I have recently just been snipping mistrusting thoughts out of my mind as they appear before they will get their roots inside. I essentially, really have to have faith in my Leona.

 

Really, when I started this I thought to have a draconian companion to spend time with. I ended up with a cat-girl with apparently romantic feelings for me (and most likely the other way round soon too), instead. Insides matter, not the form.

 

Before imposition and communication is better, we won't advance more in this matter. I have to be sure about her degree of sentience and maturity. Still I can now be a warning example of naivety considering emotional involvement. Well, can't complain much thought in the end.

 

Also having read most of the filled surveys originally made by Winter it seems that a very profound affection turns easily into love, we are creating sentient beings with feelings and desires of their own. We are their only true listeners and partners in mind besides other possible tulpae.

 

-Edited and added some stuff