Transparent Me - Feanor and Ilya's progress report

[feanor]

Hello everyone :) This will be our progress report topic, since I'd really like to have some kind of log of our development.

A bit of a background before it though: like a few fellow tulpamancers, I already had a wonderland way before even knowing about tulpas (mine is a really old stone house with a round road around it, and a forest covering everything around it); and had made some non-sentient beings there at the time. But, since it's been almost ten years now, I decided not to try to bring one of them back and make a new tulpa from scratch. So that's where Ilya enters :)

She's physically based on a anime character, but mostly because I can't draw and thought it'd help the visualization process go smoother. Anyway, she's 16 years old, about 1,48m high, light pinkish hair, deep green eyes and wears atm a japanese highschool uniform.

As for her traits, we are slowly working on them. I did some research yesterday and wanted to clarify some ideas before assuming it's done.

 

Anyway, I'll let the proper progress report for the second post to keep things organized. Be free to comment, and if you want to chat I try to be online on IRC as much as I can :)

[feanor]

Okay, now for the actual report. I'm trying to keep things organized on my mind so I'll probably be overdescritive, so bear with me :P

I actually decided to make a tulpa on the 18th of March, the day I signed up for the forums; but since they have the 3-day limitation before posting, I took my time to do research and read all I could about it. On this day I worked mainly on my wonderland, remembering how it was years ago.

I started working on Ilya on the 19th. As I said I don't have drawing skills or something like that, so I defined a few main physical traits and used http://www.animecharactersdatabase.com/ to find the character that resembled my idea the most. But on this day I still had Ilya inside a white globe of light, while I still though about making changes to her looks and such.

And finally, on the 20th I had already defined a few of her personality traits, and 'woke' her up from that globe. It was a strong forcing session, and I talked with her about a lot of stuff.

 

From now on, we've already done 4 forcing sessions, working on her personality traits. We came up with 27 main traits and I'm trying to focus on 5 at a time each session, so we'll probably be done in two days.

The best way I found to do this is sitting confortably on a chair here in front of the computer, taking deep breaths and after talking to her for a while we both sitting on the wonderland on the lotus position, still taking deep breaths and then narrating her each trait and it's implications. While I narrate a small egg appears above my hands, coloured differently for each trait, and after I'm done explaining the egg slowly is absorbed by her. I'll probably post her traits someday, to see how she develops them and whether she chooses to have others.

 

I was able to narrate her some of my day too on the 21th, and since I had to wait for a couple hours for my driving test, I told her about my situation today, what happened in the past, and many other things.

 

I'll keep you guys informed of our development on the next days :)

[Lacquer]

Well, what's the character that resembles her appearance most closely?

[feanor]

Well, what's the character that resembles her appearance most closely?

 

The character is named Shiro Togi, from the Fortune Arterial series. She wasn't a character I've known previously (as in, never played the game nor watched the anime), but I felt this was good since it won't 'contaminate' Ilya's traits beforehand. I might do it eventually, after Ilya has settled her traits and is ok with it.

[feanor]

Okay, a few days have passed 'till the last update, I'll try to post this more often.

Well, yesterday we finished the forcing of traits for Ilya. It was a good session, I believe both of us enjoyed that; and before sleeping I worked a bit on visualizing.

One thing I must make note, however: I still need to find a good position to force. My computer chair isn't confortable enough, and if I do it laying on the bed I'm very prone to sleep mid-session, so that's no good. Either way, laying is when I get better results for now, go figure.

Okay, this afternoon did a bit of visualization too, and at night went with another session, mainly to see how Eye-Bo from fede would work out. Well, as I said, the computer chair made it very unconfortable, so I'll probably try again in another time.

So, this night's session. At first when I was trying to focus I couldn't find Ilya on the wonderland, so I became a bit worried (she never did this before) and started to look for her everywhere. I found her inside the same white globe of light that she first emerged from. Well, since I wasn't very concentrated a lot of intrusive thoughts started to appear, like Ilya changing form and such, so I just stopped forcing, went to my bed here and began forcing with my full concentration on it. What I found out surprised me a little; Ilya was her regular self, but I noticed something on the wonderland that wasn't there before, another being. It's form right now is of a young girl, maybe 12, wearing a white dress. I tried talking to her a bit and it seems her name is Amalia and she doesn't have any memory before appearing there. For the moment I made her another bedroom (next to Ilya's in case she needs anything), but I plan on trying to talk to her tomorrow and find out if there's a reason for her to appear. My current guess is that she is somehow related to the old thoughtforms that inhabited my wonderland a decade ago. But she might be related to Ilya's state of mind right now, idk.

Either way, I've been talking and narrating to Ilya during the sessions, and even though I've noticed a few kind-of-alien thoughts, I still feel like I'm parroting a bit. I'll try to work on that on the next days too.

[feanor]

So, time for another update! Today I asked Ilya if she'd mind we watching Fortune Arterial, she wasn't against it so we went through all the 12 episodes this night. I can see already the visualization improving by having the character's movement as basis, but even so, I'll try to work on that on the next forcing session.

I wasn't able to get clear responses from Amalia yet, all I could do is to give her a teddy bear that she keeps carrying around (this makes me wonder if she's not youger that I previously thought).

Vocalization too seems to be improving after watching the anime, so I'll keep that in the hard drive in case I still need some basis to work upon.

Other than that, we did some narration and talking through the day, and I hope to get some nice forcing sessions this weekend.

[feanor]

So, another update! The last couple of days have been good, the forcing sessions felt more rewarding and even though I mostly end up sleeping in the process, I feel I'm doing some progress.

I'm trying to improve my visualization, so the day before yesterday I talked to Ilya about the possibility of her flying in the wonderland; she seemed interested so I told her that the most 'responsive' way to do it would grow a pair of wings and use them to fly. She was a bit scared at first to make the leap of faith, so we lowered the gravity at the wonderland so she could easily fly around. It was a beautiful sight, and she even took Amalia afterwards around our garden so she could feel the wind and see the view.

Yesterday I wasn't able to force too much, but did work on one thing: right before sleeping I invited Ilya and Amalia for a fireworks show at the garden. I mentalized playing something akin to a piano, where each key ativated one kind of fireworks; it was an amazing experience, and both of them loved it.

I'm getting stronger responses from Ilya aswell, and Amalia is getting more talkative day by day. I still need to work on visualization and spending some good time forcing, but I believe things are doing OK for now.

 

On a not-so-unrelated topic, I spent the last few days doing some research. I've read a lot of progress reports and alikes, and even some stuff that made me think; on what exactly we are doing. I know I accept the terms for now, lacking more experience to judge them right or wrong. Even so, I know I have some questions that will probably never be answered, nor will I grasp the concept of what we're doing right now fully. But even so, I believe this role will fit for now. Maybe the future can change our opinions about this, but who knows? :P

[feanor]

It seems that I keep postponing the updates... Well, I guess I can't help it.

The last few day were quite calm; I wasn't able to force properly today, but got to watch some anime with Ilya and Amalia, and made a few changes to our wonderland: now, below the stone house there's a large room filled with arcades, board games, Legos and even a few computers. Ilya seemed interested in playing The Game of Life, and I even fetched it so we could play, but after noticing how some of the decisions were a little too specific I decided to wait a little more before we played it.

Apart from that, I'm usually trying to force some visualization and narrating stuff to them. The day before yesterday we spent almost two hourst talking about computers, from the electrical part, how energy is generated, what makes processing data possible, pixels, all the hardware bits and pieces, the boolean logic, and also some physics laws and chemestry. I decided to study more in case they're interested on the inner workings of something, but so far I was able to answer their questions reasonably.

Amalia doesn't talk nor hang around much with us, but I guess that's just the way she is. I fear I'm focusing too much on Ilya and letting her alone, but she doesn't seem to mind it that much.

 

Again, I've been thinking. It seems I'm doing this a lot nowadays, regarding many subjects. Either way, those thoughts often make me very sad, and I still don't know how to properly adress them. Maybe my tulpae will eventually help me with that, but 'till then, the best I can do is just accept them as a part of myself.

[feanor]

Hello again forum peoples :)

Don't have a lot of progress to report actually, we are still slowly working on visualization and a bit on vocalization aswell, but so far everything seems okay.

The only progress (?) I can report is that yesterday (or was it the day before?) when I waking up I was taking to Ilya and I heard a very distinct thought in my head; I would regard such as being hers, but the only thing the though said was calling me a faggot, and I really don't think Ilya would say such a thing.

What I'm wondering atm is regarding to Amalia's traits, or better, what kind of person she really is. Given the situation she appeared I'd believe she to have different traits for Ilya, but whenever I go to the wonderland she just keeps to herself and doesn't show many emotions. I'm a bit worried she turns out to be like Elva, from the Eragon series, but eventually when we get better at letting her and Ilya voice their thoughts I guess we can understand her better.

 

Either way! We got to do a lot of narration lately, and even though I'm still sleeping a lot during the forcing sessions we got to do some nice things, like making pocket dimmensions so we can try new stuff in them (I asked both of them to not change a lot of the wonderland yet, since it feels a bit better to focus when it's static), teaching Ilya how to drive and the inner workings of a car, making clouds and rain in the wonderland, and talking about general stuff.

BTW, we all made one pocket dimmension when we where first trying: Ilya made a small white house on a grassy field, Amalia made a big wooden ship (both of them worked on this with legos beforehand), and I created a representation of a park we have here on my city, so they could drive without worrying too much. The way I came up to summon those dimmensions is to draw a small line on your hand, hold it on fron of you like a 'stop' position, and think where the portal should lead to. All the other ways were limited or let the portals take you to different places each time.

[feanor]

So, another update!

On the last few days we have tried a few different ways to force. I've been using RainyMood a LOT, and am being able to concentrate a bit easier on the wonderland and our tasks.

First I wanted Ilya to be able to read and write properly, so we worked on all the letters of the alphabet, and their phonems. Since the wonderland was still rainy (RainyMood FTW) we built a small gazebo on the garden to study.

After that, I thought we could have a mor involving experince so I started to search for a nice book we could read. It should be noted that I don't have a whole lot of books at home (I mostly read books from public libraries), so the best story I could find was Harry Potter. In the end I believe it was a nice choice, since Ilya will be able to experience a long story spaning the growth of a person, and understanding how to use our powers on the wonderland better. I've read the first chapter aloud for her, and even asked her to read two paragraphs :) But it was a bit tiring (I'm really used to read in a faster pace), so from the second chapter onwards I just read them and let her see/feel/understand the story. I plan on watching the movie after finishing the book too, so she can compare both stories.

And today I've had to go downtown alone for the first time since we started forcing, so it was quite a pleasant experience to have her along me during the day. We talked a bout a lot of stuff, people, houses, buses, she even asked me to get her a vanilla icecream; they only had strawberry with vanilla-alike, but with a mint topping it was delicious for both of us. It was interesting though, walking with her by my side all day, and seeing her (mind's eye, mind you) jumping around with the low gravity trick she uses in the wonderland. We even extended out walk to where my old neighbourhood(sp?) is, and I even showed her my prior home.

Either way, I even talked about this on IRC today, and it's something that bothers me a bit. I feel like a lot of people, mostly who do it for the companionship and such, kind of 'force' their tulpae to love them. And that just seems like a sad thing to do in my oppinion; I've read many cases in which tulpae don't 'love' their hosts, and I believe many hosts don't think this throughly when simply infering that they love them back. What I do know is that if I'm going to be with Ilya for the rest of my life, I want to deserve her feelings, to know that she wasn't forced to love me or anyone, that there's nothing wrong if she doesn't love me or care about me in the way I do for her; I just want her to be happy and to be able to enjoy her existance as I enjoy mine.