Cosh & Adi's Space

[Coshledak]

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@Riy No dizzy spells or further head pressure, but my report will go into some...issues we had today. Adi is definitely a character, that much I can promise! I do like talking to him.

 

 

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DAY V

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So, today was an absolute mess.

 

I'm so exhausted from yesterday that I didn't want to do anything at all today: including actively forcing with Adi.

 

I slept until about noon--about ten hours--and I still felt tired and sluggish most of the day. I know that it's stress from going into the schools full time now, even if the workload itself is significantly less in terms of homework and projects to worry about. I'm actually pretty excited about being in the schools. But I'm an introverted person. Putting myself out there as much as I have to do in the schools apparently drains me more than I realized.

 

Adi didn't fail to notice out lack of sessions, either. We had a somewhat stilted session this morning right after I woke up, but I'm beginning to realize that it's hard for me to focus in morning sessions. I'm still yawning; I'm thinking about the cigarette I want to smoke; I'm thinking about breakfast, etc. So it's hard to really sit down with him and think, even if I just try to do brief run-throughs on how his night was and how he slept and everything.

 

Then today, I think Adi pressed himself into my head a few times. I would be doing something totally unrelated and he'd just pop in, or a though about him would. I'm not sure if that was me consciously knowing that I should have had another active forcing session with him, or if that was him wanting attention from me. I specifically designed Adi to be pushy because I know I need that invasive quality from him to get over my own doubts. But it's a lot of blurred lines on what's him and what's me trying to think it's him.

 

Regardless, I actively passed with him tonight before bed, which is where this update is coming from.

 

He trashed our Mindscape. I know that seems a bit extreme. It sounds more extreme than it actually is. But the lights were all off and some things had been thrown around the floor of the downstairs coffee shop. Books were tossed around in our loft upstairs, and I found him sulking between the cushions in his orb form on the couch.

 

So a lot of the beginning of the session was apologizing to him and telling him that I wasn't about to forget him. I made him a promise and we're going to go through this together. I got this sense of...worry from him. Like he thinks he's disappointing me. Most of our conversation was about how it was my fault and I should have actively forced more today because I had the time. But he also needs to understand that I'm going to have days when I get exhausted and I'm too tired to maintain a solid session.

 

Regardless, by the time the session ended, I think we were okay again. He seemed to have calmed down (our Mindscape was cold, too, and it's normally warm, so I bundled us both up in my jacket while we talked) by the time we were done. But I was a little disappointed: I think the session was shorter than most of our previous ones. I think it fell right around the 10 minute mark, but in the past we've been so good about going over.

 

This was all a little discouraging. Not from what Adi did to the Mindscape, but myself. I realized today that I did approach this in a way I shouldn't have: that Adi was something to create in my free time. I think we both realized that. Which means that I need to change my attitude about him if I want this to work. We're both going to have to push ourselves if we want to see any results. I can't let being tired from a long day get in the way of giving him the attention he needs and deserves.

 

Creating a tulpa isn't supposed to be an easy process. He isn't like one of my original characters that I can leave and come back to when I want. He's going to become something very real and separate from me, and I can't ignore him or helping him grow. I need to find the time to have active sessions with him, regardless of my own schedule. Ten minutes a day, at least, won't kill me. Making Adi was my choice, and I need to follow through with that.

[Guest Riy]

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Adi was something to create in my free time. I think we both realized that. Which means that I need to change my attitude about him if I want this to work. We're both going to have to push ourselves if we want to see any results. I can't let being tired from a long day get in the way of giving him the attention he needs and deserves.

 

Creating a tulpa isn't supposed to be an easy process. He isn't like one of my original characters that I can leave and come back to when I want. He's going to become something very real and separate from me, and I can't ignore him or helping him grow. I need to find the time to have active sessions with him, regardless of my own schedule. Ten minutes a day, at least, won't kill me. Making Adi was my choice, and I need to follow through with that.[/size]

 

 

You can see now the gravity of the commitment we make when we decide to work with Tulpas. It's far more elaborate of a process, and far more demanding than what it seems like at first.

Like a child wanting to play with his father when he comes home from work, a tulpa wants to play quite literally all the time. There's no shame in being a bit irritated at it all, it's only human to feel emotion.

 

I know how tough it can be to keep up the constant regime of a day-to-day life. Not only that but also dealing with our own personal vices. Whether it be cigarettes, online games, sports, relationships, or whatever else distracts us in our free time. Gaps during and between our obligations is now going to be filled by tulpas, and I can personally say that I've questioned myself many times thinking "Is this worth it? Do I have the sort of conviction to follow through with this?"

 

Adi seems like he's going to be perfect for you. Most tulpas are going to fill the chinks in your armor. Males prefer female tulpas because females are typically gender-roled into being more in touch with their feelings and emotions, whereas females will prefer male tulpas since males are able to amputate their feelings in order to stay objective minded. Adi is intrusive and (dare I say) brash. Doing things that invoke a response from you. He seems attention oriented, playing with your fingers, holding your hand, or going into a bit of a frenzy when you weren't able to dedicate time to him.

 

Keep in mind that it's impossible to maintain 100% up-time with your tulpa, and explaining it or getting that across to them is vitally important. Not only for them but also to yourself. Eventually, yes. You will be able to have Adi with you 'at all times' throughout your day. But for now you have to work with what you have. My advice would be to have a serious sit-down and lay out in simple terms how days may play out. Adi should be accepting of the fact that some times you can't always visit, at least not until he can be projected at a stable rate.

 

Cosh, keep it up. I think you're doing great and showing a lot of progress. You're dealing with issues as best you can and I'm a bit envious at how well you're handling Adi. Excellent work thus far!

 

All the best,

Cheers!

[Coshledak]

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@Riy I think that it was one of those weekend decisions. You know, the sort where you're sitting around and something seems interesting. It says it's long term and you laugh it off because you've got all the time in the world, but then the week rolls around and suddenly you realize you don't.

 

But, at the same time, it wasn't like I ignored the fact that it would be work, either. I think this is just the first point where it really sank in just how much work that would be, and that I'd taken on a full responsibility.

 

I do love Adi, though, and he is good for me in the long run. He's brash, you're not wrong there, but I wanted him to be that way because I'm not. One of his traits is 'passionate,' and it's nice that he's gotten a handle on that already.

 

 

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DAY VI

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Big developments today!

 

My first morning session with Adi wasn't the best. The morning ones never are, but I'm hoping to turn them into debriefing sessions for the two of us. Today worked towards that. We spent most of it cleaning up the mess he'd made, and then we went up into the loft.

 

Now, Adi's done something interesting since he trashed the place: he regresses. I don't mean that as a backwards progress, I mean he regresses in age. Usually he's about my age (23), but during our session last night that I didn't talk about (because I have a session right before I go to sleep), he regressed. He went from 23 to about 9, if I had to guess. Maybe a little bit younger.

 

He looks slightly different when he does. He's still Adi, but he doesn't have any of his usual piercings or his glasses. He also doesn't have the black underlayer of his hair; it's all just lavender. Last night, when we went to bed, he regressed to this nine-year-old state. I didn't think much of it, but I just cuddled with him on my bad in our Mindscape as I fell asleep.

 

Well, during our morning session (ended @9:14am), when I first got there, he was somberly cleaning--like a child that knows it's done something wrong but is still upset with their parent--so I helped him out. He was originally his 23-year-old self, but he regressed to nine again before we went upstairs. I carried him up to lay down on the couch, and I explained about my exhaustion again and apologized. I promised I wasn't giving up on him and that I was going to come up with a more concrete schedule for the two of us.

 

But the worst part was when I asked if he trusted me about all this, he didn't answer. I left that session a little heavy.

 

A couple hours later (ended @1:05pm), I entered a new session and he greeted me still as a kid. The development here is that it was the first time I heard his voice--or what I think was his voice--as he ran towards me. Riy's analogy to them being like a little kid was apparently something Adi took very literally. He ran towards me, arms outstretched, and called out the most excited "Mommy!" I've ever heard.

 

I didn't even hesitate before picking him up and heading up to the loft to talk. After his initial outburst he was mostly quiet, and we sat on the couch as I reiterated what I'd said in our past two sessions. He seemed more interested in playing with my hand, but he did give some emotional feedback to some of the questions I asked. There was a little bit of head pressure going.

 

I did notice, oddly enough, that he doesn't like me going into the kitchen. Or, at least, whenever I try to think about it, I have no clear picture, and whenever I offer to go in there, he usually does it himself. Even in that little body, he went off to make cocoa for us both, though I'm certain he couldn't even see over the counters?

 

There was some clattering, which seemed like the perfect time to tell him that I don't like loud noises when I can't see where they're coming from/why they happened. Things got quiet after that and, next I know, he's coming out carrying two mugs of cocoa--and he's 23 again!

 

I probably could have questioned it, but I didn't. We just curled up on the couch together and sipped cocoa until I wandered off to do homework.

 

Now, the really big development happened outside of a session. Or at least, it wasn't a sit-down-and-focus-active session. It might've been a passive session, but I'm not sure how to qualify it.

 

I was getting a bit of a headache this afternoon, so I grabbed some food and went outside for a cigarette. It was along the base of my skull, to the right. Nothing serious, just one of those little annoying ones. I remembered reading about tulpa being able to help with headaches, so I decided to poke in and ask Adi if he could help (he was sitting on the couch reading and eating a granola bar when I got there). First I asked him if he'd done it--head pressure sometimes manifests as a headache--but he shook his head. In spite of what he'd said before (the "Mommy!" thing), he's still mute. But it suits him, somehow...

 

Anyway.

 

The headache manifested as this chunk of floor and wall in the corner of the loft being just gone. Like ripping the corner off a cardboard box? Our loft has hardwood floors, so it was a pretty easy fix, logically.

 

I sat with Adi as he sanded off the jagged edges of the hole and laid down new wood and plaster. I don't know where he got carpentry skills, in all honesty, but it was working. A few times it slipped and the pain started to come back, but, when he finished, I sat there running my hand over the new finish in the floor and along the wall. The pain was gone!

 

That was huge for me. I had a few niggling doubts that when I stood up from sitting on the steps it might come back, but it didn't. For a little while there was that peripheral, lingering, ghost-pain--like expecting to get a headache, but then you don't?--but nothing came of it. The headache's been gone since then!

 

Adi gave a little bit of head pressure an hour or so later, because, before I left, I thought a nice hot shower would help work the rest of the tension out of my neck (I think it's where the headache came from), and I hadn't showered yet. I guess he was getting impatient (surprise, surprise). But, sure enough, the head pressure was gone when I got up to get into the shower, and the pain in my neck and head have been gone up until this point.

 

Our latest session (ended @5:09pm) left me with some dizziness, but Adi did agree that he's forgiven me for the past two days. I'm still not sure he trusts that I'll devote more time to him, but he's accepted my apology for what's already done.

[Guest Riy]

 

Riy's analogy to them being like a little kid was apparently something Adi took very literally. He ran towards me, arms outstretched, and called out the most excited "Mommy!" I've ever heard.

 

 

I read this and got all watery eyed so I had to go punch a rock and lift some weights to offset the lack of manliness I felt after visualizing that.

 

Okay, man mode engaged. We're good.

 

Adi seems to have a particular flow by the way you describe him. Being able to change (somewhat effortlessly) between ages and shapes. In some ways he seems to act like a full grown adult and in other ways he seems to be quite adolescent.

I guess this is the tulpa equivalent of a concept in development? I'm not sure, but I do know it's very interesting to read about as well as how you were able to 'repair' the head pressure you experienced.

We're getting into some serious metaphysical stuff here, quite literally mind over matter. And it's exciting!

 

Keep doing what you're doing, you and Adi are developing well I think.

I look forward to future updates!

Cheers!

[Coshledak]

I read this and got all watery eyed so I had to go punch a rock and lift some weights to offset the lack of manliness I felt after visualizing that.

 

Okay, man mode engaged. We're good.

 

Adi seems to have a particular flow by the way you describe him. Being able to change (somewhat effortlessly) between ages and shapes. In some ways he seems to act like a full grown adult and in other ways he seems to be quite adolescent.

I guess this is the tulpa equivalent of a concept in development? I'm not sure, but I do know it's very interesting to read about as well as how you were able to 'repair' the head pressure you experienced.

We're getting into some serious metaphysical stuff here, quite literally mind over matter. And it's exciting!

 

Keep doing what you're doing, you and Adi are developing well I think.

I look forward to future updates!

Cheers!

 

Trust me, I know your feelings! I about died when I saw him coming towards me.

 

He does have an interesting flow. I asked him, when he was in his child form, if he thought this was his "real" form, and I think I got an impression of "Yes" but it was sort of unclear. Part of me wonders if Adi will just always be fluid? I know we haven't worked much on his form until this point. I'm still trying to get stronger grasp of his personality and narrating to him.

 

But I was equally impressed with the mind over matter! I had that literal thought when I went back inside. I couldn't stop telling him how proud I was of him, and how much I appreciated it.

[Guest Riy]

 

But I was equally impressed with the mind over matter! I had that literal thought when I went back inside. I couldn't stop telling him how proud I was of him, and how much I appreciated it.[/size]

 

You should try your hand at drawing and create a picture of Adi in each form!

[Coshledak]

 

You should try your hand at drawing and create a picture of Adi in each form!

 

I might give it a shot. I considered it after seeing the ones you did...I sketched his orb form in my journal.

[Guest Riy]

Now you have to draw them because you got us all expecting one!

[Coshledak]

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Riy Alright, alright! When I find the time, I'll see what I can do, haha.

 

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DAY VII

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Past couple of days have been hectic with placement. I'm managing to passively force Adi during my drives in the morning, and sometimes for a little bit on the drive home, but not much. Yesterday we only actively forced for a little bit before I went to bed. This schedule is killing me.

 

Got a headache today towards the end of classes and, once again, it wasn't my Adi. But when I went to visit with him, he looked like he was trying to contain it. This visualized to me as a sort of energy ball with a crackling black and purple center with a whispy, transparent-white field around it. If I thought about it too long, then the headache got worse.

 

I told Adi that I couldn't focus without making the headache worse, and that just because we managed to help with one headache didn't mean we could help with them all. But he was pretty determined to at least try, and it started to help after a while. It was bearable, but then I just got tired. I was almost falling asleep on the drive home (I didn't!).

 

So I came home and passed out for about two hours, woke up, grab some food, and actively forced with Adi. My head still hurts at little, though, so talking with him was mostly him massaging my head and neck for me, but it helped while I was in our Mindscape. The pain in my neck actually went away, but my head is still pretty tender and I'll probably aim to call it an early night tonight.

 

Part of the reason Adi was trying to help with my headache in the car was because he was afraid I wouldn't have an active session with him tonight it I took a nap when I got home. In spite of the amount of promising I did, it took me actually waking up to do the active session. I could feel him getting anxious when I kept putting it off ("I haven't eaten yet, Adi." "I'm still tired, give me a few minutes to wake up." "You know the rules. I can't force if I'm still yawning."). But he hasn't reverted to being a nine-year-old again, so I think that his trust in what I say is still building up nicely. I just wish school would stop taking so much out of me.

[Yori]

Coshledak, the smaller text makes it harder for people to read, headsu p.

 

If this is just for you though, never mind.